Pilots, Part One

"When people asked me what I did for a living, I told them, 'I do pilots.' They all thought I was a stewardess"-- Suzanne Somers, 1982


I don't know how it's done nowadays, but back in the old days, most TV programs needed a pilot to sell to the network, whether or not the pilot itself aired.  In the case of Three's Company, it took three pilots.  The first and third were both based on the first episode of Man About the House.  (As for that middle pilot, we'll get back to it in a later post)  The first pilot showed potential but didn't click.  That last pilot obviously did. 

A pilot may just be a slice-of-show, a typical adventure for the characters.  Often though, it's a way to introduce the characters by having one or more move into the area, so that we meet everybody along with the newbie(s).  With a sitcom, it's a good time to set up that situation.  The Brady Bunch, for instance, starts with Mike and Carol getting married, forming the bunch.  With MatH/3'sC, the pilot is the chance to explain how that man moved in with those girls.  (And, yes, I'm going to call them girls.  That's what they're invariably referred to as, in both programs.)  So the questions are, how well do these pilots introduce these characters, and do we care if and how it all works out for them?

The airdate for the pilot of MatH was 15 August 1973, and the episode's name was "Three's a Crowd" (later the title of the 3'sC spin-off based on Robin's Nest, but more about that much later).  I don't know if the first 3'sC pilot got a name, but I'm guessing they called it what they called the final pilot, "A Man about the House."  (Confused yet?)  The first pilot was made in March 1976 and it was about a year later that the final pilot aired.

MatH starred Richard O'Sullivan as Robin, Paula Wilcox (the brunette) as Chrissy, and Sally Thomsett (the blonde) as Jo.  You probably know that 3'sC starred John Ritter as Jack, Joyce DeWitt as Janet, and Suzanne Somers as Chrissy, but the earliest pilot had Valerie Curtin (the brunette) as Jenny and Suzanne Zenor (the blonde) as Samantha, or Sam.  The American Ropers remained the same, Norman Fell and Audra Lindley, although at first they've got the British characters' first names, George and Mildred.

Ready?  OK, on with the shows....


Opening Credits:  MatH starts out with Robin on his scooter, leaving the technical college.  Chrissy is on a bus and has just lost her fashionable red shoe.  Jo first gets ogled by an old "blind" man and then mixes up her umbrella with that of another man.  The three of them come home to their flat, Robin pushing his scooter.  The tune is pleasant but has no lyrics.

The first 3'sC pilot (hereafter referred to as 3'sC1A) has the tune familiar to any fan of the show, but none of those friendly "come and knock on our door" lyrics.  Instead a man is rather aggressively singing "Dooty-dooty-doo."  We see an exterior shot of "Hacienda Palms," the apartment complex where this is set.  Love-Boat-esque circles of the characters talking are superimposed onto that.

The third 3'sC pilot (AKA 3'sC1C) has the first season credits, with Jack falling off his bike, Janet watering a plant and accidentally Chrissy, and Mrs. Roper accidentally hitting Mr. Roper while playing darts in their living room.  The music is heavy on the waa-waa pedal.

I don't know if any of these credits tell us much about the characters, but it's clear that 3'sC1A are the worst.


Opening Scene:  All three pilots open in the girls' living room.  On MatH, Chrissy emerges with a hangover, looking at the leftover booze.  The radio is playing.  On 3'sC1A, Jenny emerges with a mild hangover and turns off the TV, which is playing a commercial for Cosmic Bros of North Hollywood, who sell barstools, including for children.  She finds some leftover wedding cake and makes the little bride mount the groom.  American Chrissy in contrast has no trace of a hangover and instead vacuums.  Janet on the other hand, has a severe hangover.

Brit-Chrissy/Janet:  Have you no respect for the dying?
Jo/Amer-Chrissy:  You're not dying.

Sam meanwhile says she's not a well person.  Jenny replies, "You'll have to help with the mess, Snow White.  It's the dwarves' day off."

Then we get Brit-Chrissy/Sam/Janet talking about "that terrible girl at the party" who tried to do a strip-tease.  "That was me, wasn't it?"  She worries that she ruined Eleanor's wedding reception, but Jo/Jenny/Amer-Chrissy assures her that Eleanor didn't even notice because her labor pains started and she was whisked off to the hospital.  She had a boy, 7 lb, 8 oz. 

Sam:  Oh, I'm so happy for her!  She always wanted a baby.
Jenny:  Well, she did all the right things to get one.

Brit-Chrissy/Sam/Janet sticks out her tongue because she feels like crap.  Jo/Jenny tells her to put it away or it'll attract flies, while Amer-Chrissy says she'd rather take a bath than look at Janet's tongue.  Brit-Chrissy/Sam says she's going to take a bath and hopes to drown. 

Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy made the hangover-inducing punch, which turned the ladle green.


Discovery in the Tub:  Brit-Chrissy/Sam/Amer-Chrissy goes in the bathroom and draws back the curtain, revealing Robin/David/Jack sleeping in the tub, fully clothed.  Sam does a double-take.   Amer-Chrissy does a triple take.  Jo/Sam asks, "Is he one of yours?", implying boyfriends.  Jenny replies, "I never dated a porcelain freak."  Amer-Chrissy asks, "Is he a friend of yours?"  None of them have seen these men before.  Brit-Chrissy briefly puts on glasses to look more closely.  Janet gets the ladle for self-defense.

Jo/Amer-Chrissy suggests he's a burglar, but Brit-Chrissy/Janet scoffs that he came to steal the bathtub and fell asleep on the job.  They can't have him in there, not with a girl coming by to look at Eleanor's room.  Besides, as Jenny points out, "He'll get all soft and pruny."

Robin/David/Jack wakes himself up, turning over in the tub.  He flounders.  Robin turns off the water and slips a little.  David gets some help from Sam.  He thanks her and then gets startled.  Jack turns the water on more before turning it off.  Then when he sees the girls, he covers himself as if he's naked.  The man says good evening, the girls correct him to good morning, except on 3'sC1A, where there's this cute exchange.

David:  I guess this is your tub here.
Sam:  Yes, this is our tub.
Jenny:  We raised it from a sink.

The man introduces himself as Robin Tripp/David Bell/Jack Tripper, but not immediately in David's case.  One girl introduces herself and her roommate, without mentioning last names.  When David introduces himself, it's right after a very '60s-sounding anecdote about timing contractions of a woman in labor in the next tree at a rock concert.  (Don't ask.)

Robin/David/Jack came with someone who knew a friend of one of the gatecrashers.  Robin/David tried to be a good guest by bringing a bottle of cherry brandy/Scotch, "I hope you collect miniatures."  He himself had some of that punch before passing out.  In David's case he also sat next to someone "smoking something wrapped in a map of Mexico."

The man asks about the other girl, Robin/Jack miming her pregnancy, David calling her "pregnant and a half."
Brit-Chrissy/Jenny/Janet:  She had a boy.
Robin/David/Jack:  Yeah, she must've.
(Janet is the only one to look annoyed.)

Robin/David/Jack is dripping on the floor, so Brit-Chrissy/Jenny/Amer-Chrissy tells him to take his clothes off.  He's very surprised.

Time to cut to the Ropers':  Brit-George/Stanley feeds his bird, while Amer-George feeds his fish.  Mrs. Roper paints her nails.  Brit-George/Stanley says there's a crack in the ceiling from the party.  Brit-Mildred says it's from a buzz bomb during the war.  Helen says it's from the earthquake, the first time their bed moved in years.  Stanley tells her, "Will you get your mind out of the bed and onto the ceiling?" 

Brit-George/Stanley wouldn't have minded the party if he'd been invited.  Brit-Mildred/Helen says he wouldn't have liked it, all those young girls.  He wouldn't have been up to it, since he can't keep the pot boiling at home.   And it was just a going-away party.  "If you went away, I'd have a party."  Meanwhile, Amer-George complains about the "orgies with loud music...and lewd dances."  His wife says its the kind of party they used to have when they were alive.  The party kept Amer-George/Stanley up till 3 in the morning.  Amer-George would never have done that.  "Well, up just isn't your direction, George."  She elaborates that her menopause is so grateful to his for going first.  Brit-George/Amer-George/Stanley says that it's too bad she doesn't live in India, because she'd be sacred.  Helen retorts, "And contented."

Mr. Roper wonders who should go up and talk to the girls.  Mrs. Roper says it should be the head of the household.  "I'll go as soon as my nails are dry."

Cross-dressing:  Back upstairs, the girls collect Robin/David/Jack's clothes to dry.  Brit-Chrissy asks, "What about your knickers?"  She and Jo giggle.  Without completely opening the loo door, he hands over knickers with "pub signs" on them.  When Amer-Chrissy asks if Jack has "anything else," he replies, "Only things that don't come off." 

Robin emerges in a gold dressing gown with feathers.  He feels like "an absolute berk."  David emerges in a very short pink robe with feathers.  Janet gets Jack a floral robe.  These garments were left behind by Eleanor. 

Brit-Chrissy says if she were a fellow, she'd fancy Robin.  Jo says, "I've seen people arrested for less."  Janet asks, "What do you think?"  Amer-Chrissy replies, "I can't tell.  I'm used to seeing it pregnant."

Janet will dry Jack's clothes in the oven.  "Not too well done, huh?" he requests.

Robin/Jack wants to shave.  Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy offers him her razor (funnier in the American version, where it's a round razor).  Amer-Chrissy comments, "I have a very light beard." 
Robin:  Have you got any shaving cream?"
Brit-Chrissy:  Yeah, of course.  It's out there with me pipe and me rubber boots."
Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy offers Robin/Jack a cream that turns out to be for cleaning the sink.

No Recipe:  In the kitchen, later enough that Janet and Chrissy have had time to change clothes, Jo/Sam/Chrissy is scraping burnt toast.  Eleanor didn't leave the recipe.  (This is bungled on 3'sC1A, where it's the scrambled eggs that don't have a recipe.)  The scrambled eggs on MatH have black bits, possibly part of the no-stick coating.  Jenny encourages Sam, "They'll be fine.  The shells look ready."

Robin hasn't seen cooking like this since he left home, Southampton.  There's a nice little sequence here, learning more about Robin.  (In contrast, I think it was about six seasons in before I found out Jack was from San Diego.)  On 3'sC1A, we get Jenny wise-cracking about the food, e.g. "The hearty man ate a condemned meal."  And on 3'sC1C, we get this.
Jack:  Do you mind if I eat in my boots?
Chrissy:  I'd rather you ate off the table.

Robin/David/Jack, in descending order of politeness, can't eat the food and offers to make something edible.  He's studying catering/cooking at the technical college, except in David's case, where he's a film student who likes to cook, having formerly worked at the Pup & Knish on Pico.  Mostly though, he's "obsessed" with film.  He says, "Even my dreams have credits at the end."  And "Film is to me what thumbscrews were to the Marquis de Sade."  Jack will be "The Galloping Gourmet of 1980."  (And that's indeed when he graduates.)
Janet:  Oh, it takes that long.
Jack:  You have to trot before you can gallop.  Who said that?

Brit-Chrissy and Jo give Robin funny looks for "doing something not a lot of men do."  He says, "I know what you're thinking but I'm not."  He says all the great chefs are men.  The American girls don't think there's anything queer about David/Jack cooking.

Robin/David/Jack uses their leftovers--shallots, eggs, butter, mushrooms, and oh yeah, mousetrap cheddar (MatH). 
Robin/Jack:  Can you boil an egg?
Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy:  I don't know.  Eleanor did all the cooking.
Jack pats Chrissy's head.

We never find out in the pilot what Brit-Chrissy and Jo do for a living.  But Sam is an actress/model/dancer who recently did a commercial for "The Jacques Cousteau of the clergy."  As Jenny says, "They make you want to run right out and buy a Baptist."  Jenny works for the DMV, which David gets mixed-up with the DMZ.  We later learn that Amer-Chrissy works in a pool, a typing pool.
Jack:  A typist?  With a shape like that?
Chrissy:  Oh, it doesn't get in the way.
Jack is so busy lusting after Chrissy that he doesn't care that Janet works in a flower shop.  In the comparable scene of 3'sC1A, David tells Jenny that cooking is like making a film, leading to "a culinary climax if you will."  She replies, "Whatever gets you through the night."

Robin wants bread crumbs, so Brit-Chrissy offers the ones from her bed.  He says he'll make his own.  Jo finds this hilarious and says, "You don't make bread crumbs!  They just fall off the bread."  (On 3'sC1C, both girls' lines go to Amer-Chrissy, although she's not as amused as Jo.)  Robin/David/Jack wants a heaped/heaping tablespoon of milk.  Amer-Chrissy is understandably puzzled.

Jack wants wine as well, so Janet decides to make some from the party leftovers.  Oddly, although her voice sometimes verges on New-York Italian in the early seasons, she somehow says, "Does it have to all be one colour?"  I swear I can hear a British intonation on it, and I was surprised to find it wasn't one of the lines from MatH.

Mrs. Roper shows up to complain about the party noise.  Brit-Chrissy/Janet says she was going to come down.  "Yes, through the ceiling we thought."  Mrs. Roper didn't mind the music but she was bothered by the foul language.  Brit-Chrissy/Janet protests that there wasn't any.  "You weren't down there with Mr. Roper."  Brit-Chrissy/Janet says Mr. Roper was banging on the ceiling with a broom handle, Brit-Chrissy adding that it wasn't even in time with the music.

Brit-Mildred keeps calling Chrissy Dear, and Helen calls Janet Honey, but Amer-Mildred is less maternal.  She not only complains about the "permissive-sounding party," but she says that there are porno theaters in the neighborhood and right now people are "being massaged out of their minds."  Robin/David/Jack comes in briefly to get the wine/a watch to time the eggs.  Brit-Chrissy/Jenny says that that's just someone who spent the night.  Before leaving, Mrs. Roper says, "I don't want to worry you, but I think that's a man dressed up."  On 3'sC1C, Janet is a lot more worried, and she not only pushes Jack out of the room, but she lies and says he's a "girlfriend who spent the night."  Mrs. Roper is skeptical, but Janet ushers her out.


To be continued....