Pilots, Part Two

It's just a thought:  There's no exact equivalent on either of the other two pilots, but on 3'sC1A, before the girls have even sampled David's cooking, they talk in the living room.  Jenny asks what Sam thinks of David, and Sam says he seems nice.  Jenny wants him to move in.
Sam:  He could be a sex fiend!
Jenny:  Then we won't charge as much.
Sam says that there's a girl coming to look at the place, so they'll just leave it at that.  Jenny says, "It's just a thought."


Prospective roommate:  The doorbell rings.  I can't remember if it was here or earlier, but when Sam goes to answer it, Jenny muses that that's how Eleanor got pregnant, answering the door.  On MatH, it's a woman who's answering an advert they haven't yet placed.  She actually heard about the vacant room from a friend of a friend of a friend.  This woman is very talkative.  She has shortish brown hair and wears a frilly blouse with a black vest.  On 3'sC, they're expecting the woman.  On the first pilot she says, "Number Seven, Hacienda Palms?  I called yesterday."  She has a high voice and a vaguely hippie-ish look, with a head scarf and flowing clothes.  On the later pilot, she has a deep voice.  She's very brisk and wears a black pantsuit with a white scarf and a white blouse.  Earlier, the girls were worried about the prospective roommate finding Jack in the tub, but Chrissy now tells her she can use the bathroom.  "Must I?"

Woman#1 thinks wallpaper helps a room.
Woman#1:  Is it gas or electric?
Jo:  What, the wallpaper?
Woman#1:  The flat, silly!

Woman#2, whom Sam has identified as Zoe, exclaims, "Wallpaper!  I just love wallpaper!  It's like the room is wearing clothes or something!"  Woman#3 doesn't notice the wallpaper.  Her name is Patricia Crawford.   Before cutting back to the Ropers' again, we learn that Zoe had an EST-like experience, 200 people locked in a room, throwing up for 48 hours.  Woman#1 tells the girls she's "a chilly mortal" and she "can't bear cold feet, can you?"  Chrissy says, "Depends who they're attached to."


Cutting back to the Ropers':  Mrs. Roper tells Mr. Roper about the man upstairs.  Brit-Mildred/Helen is putting on eye makeup during this scene, and Brit-Mildred is no longer in a dressing gown, but in a '50s/Peg Bundy look, with a pink scarf, black top, and pink capris.  "He was in a pink satin robe/ girls' dressing gown, but he didn't fool me," Brit-Mildred/Helen says. 
Mr. Roper:  Are you sure it was a man?  They all look alike these days.
Mrs. Roper:  Not to me, they don't.  Besides, I saw his chest hairs, peeping out.
Mr. Roper:  That doesn't prove much.  Look at your mother.
Brit-George/Amer-George says the man is probably planning to spend the night.  "He already has."

Amer-George:  You know what I'd like to do?  I'd like to take those two girls and put one over each knee and give them a good spanking!
Amer-Mildred:  Ah, George, those were the days.

Stanley:  I wonder what's going on up there.
Helen:  Oh, probably something delightfully kinky that only three can play.

Stanley storms out to "bounce him out on his ear."


Horrible hairy thing:  Woman#1 is still talking.  Brit-Chrissy introduces her to "Robin thingy."  He shakes her hand.  She doesn't seem particularly surprised to see a man in a gold dressing gown.  Sam quickly introduces Zoe to "David something." 
Zoe:  If your friend likes to slip into things, my brother wears the same size.  [How would she know?]
Sam:  I wouldn't exactly call him a friend.

Patricia says the apartment is small, "but most of the time I'll be out here chin-wagging with you gals."  Chrissy says, "This is the kitchen, where we chin our wags."  She introduces Jack Tripper.  Patricia definitely looks surprised, even shocked.  Jo/Amer-Chrissy says they found Robin/Jack in the bathtub.  Woman#1/Patricia says she found a spider in the tub.  "Horrible hairy thing.  I just opened my mouth and screamed.  I've kept a plug in it ever since."  Brit-Chrissy's line to Jo, "She could've fooled me," is partially obscured by laughter, while we can clearly hear Janet say the line.  On the other hand, the joke works better on MatH because Woman#1 seems much chattier.

Jenny asks Zoe to leave her number.  Zoe has it on a matchbook, she goes with the printer.

Brit-Chrissy asks the woman's name.  "Gabrielle.  But my friends call me Gabby," a pun.  Janet starts to call the woman Patricia.
Pat:  My friends call me Pattikins.
Janet:  OK.  (pause) Patricia.

One of the girls tells the woman that there are other girls coming over to look at the place (they hope).  Mr. Roper comes over.  He says the woman's outfit doesn't fool him.  Brit-George/Amer-George says there are no male visitors allowed after twelve.  (No one points out that it's now broad daylight.)  Brit-George/Stanley orders the visitor, "Take those clothes off!"  Patricia says, "I beg your pardon?"  Stanley makes fun of her deep voice.  Before Gabrielle can really react, Brit-George says she's not even convincing. 

Mr. Roper points at the woman's chest and says that it doesn't look real, then he pokes it!  We don't get a clear view of this on 3'sC1A, but it looks real on the other two pilots.  Brit-George is embarrassed but amused by his mistake.  Amer-George/Stanley is so stunned that he curls up his finger.  Gabrielle slaps Mr. Roper and calls him a dirty old man.  Patricia is very shocked and she hits him with her purse after calling him a dirty old man.  Spacy Zoe on the other hand takes it in stride.  When Mr. Roper exclaims, "It's real!"  She says, "So's the other one."  As Brit-George/Stanley exits, he says, "It's a mistake anyone could make.  They don't look real."  Amer-George's exit line, "It's just they looked different in my day," doesn't even make sense.  Zoe cheerfully tells him, "Goodbye, Mr. Groper."

Gabrielle/Patricia holds her chest protectively and exclaims, "He squeezed my bosoms," Patricia pronouncing it in a funnier way.  Jo says he must be overdoing something that sounds like "Filosan," while Amer-Chrissy muses, "Do you think he's taking too much Geritol?"  Jenny's theory is that it "must be springtime in the fish tank."  Gabrielle/Patricia exits saying she couldn't live in the same house (in the sense of building) with a man who'd do something like that.  "He didn't even say please."  Brit-Chrissy calls him Roper the Groper.  Janet and Chrissy do "oh darn" finger-snaps.  Zoe's exit line is "Dirty old men have always been very good to me."  Jenny describes her to Sam as "banana-person."


Bon Appetit:  The girls return to the kitchen.  Robin/David politely tells them where to sit.  Jack carefully seats Chrissy, but doesn't care where Janet sits.  Brit-Chrissy/Jenny apologis/zes about the cutlery/silverware, "but that's British Rail/Howard Johnson's for you."  (I guess HoJo's was funnier than Amtrak.)  Jack is the one to apologize, but in a conceited  way, "I hope it's all right.  It's the best I could do under these primitive conditions."

Brit-Chrissy says the food "looks good.  Smells good.  And by God, it's revolting."  Robin looks genuinely hurt, but she's just teasing.  Jenny says, "This is not chewing.  My teeth are applauding," which doesn't even make sense.  Janet and Amer-Chrissy murmur their appreciation.  "Oh, it's nothing really.  Any genius could've done it."  Robin/Jack says the name of his specialty.
Jo/Amer-Chrissy:  What's that?
Robin/Jack:  French.  I eventually want to open a little restaurant for people who can really appreciate high prices.

Jo says he'll make someone a lovely wife someday.  Sam reluctantly admits the food is very nice.  Amer-Chrissy says, "This breakfast is good enough to eat."  The man says he was happy for the chance to cook, since he doesn't get to at the Y, where he's staying.  (Yes, even on the British show.)  He hopes to find a place, but he'll probably have to share with someone.

Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy:  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Jo/Janet:  I might be./  I think so.

David asks what the commotion was with Zoe.
Jenny:  We're just looking for someone to share the place.  Someone who has a sense of humor.  Someone who's strong and can make us feel more secure about living in Tinseltown.
Sam:  Jenny, don't start.
David:  I wish you luck.  It's hard to find girls like that anymore.

Amer-Chrissy takes Jack's hand as she makes the invitation.  "I like it already."  But Janet wants to talk it over first.  She and Chrissy take the food with them into the living room.


Low melting point:  This scene is interesting for a couple reasons.  One, there's no parallel in the earlier shows.  And two, the funniest and raciest part got hacked out of syndication, so I don't think I ever saw it till DVD.  Janet and Amer-Chrissy go over the pluses and minuses.  Jack is a great cook and he'd be good protection.  (Mrs. Roper had mentioned some burglaries in the neighborhood.)  And he's very good-looking, which is a minus.  Janet points out that Chrissy has "a very low melting point."
Janet:  Look what happened with Frank.
Chrissy:  I know.  But Frank seemed so nice.  He said he wanted me for a friend.
Janet:  Yeah.  And the next night he brought the friend.
Syndication picked up after "low melting point" with Chrissy saying, "You're right, but with Jack I'll be strong."  Janet says Chrissy can't help herself.  So Chrissy says Janet will have to be strong for both of them.  Janet looks dismayed.


Meanwhile at the Ropers':  I hope you're getting used to this cutting back and forth between flats/apartments.  It's a standard feature of both shows (until the Ropers spin off onto The Ropers).  Mr. Roper insists that it was a woman, he has a sensitive finger.  Mrs. Roper says she knows a man when she sees one, mainly from memory, since it's been awhile since Mr. Roper laid his finger on her.  Amer-Mildred says George has "erotic amnesia."  He says, "I'll match my masculinity against yours any day."  Brit-Mildred sleeps with a "sauna belt" (huh?), and George says it's like going to bed with the Michelin Man.  Amer-Mildred tried wearing see-through nightgowns.  "That was your first mistake."  Stanley tells Helen she has "enough mouth for three lips."


An offer he can't refuse, or can he?:  Sam cries over the home-cooking, the way the yellow eggs run out onto the ham.  "All I could see was my mother's face."  She says that her father "always said that breakfast had to be the first meal of the day."  David sincerely says, "I feel the same way, Sam."

The girls suggest the man move in.  They'll have to share everything, which Jack takes suggestively.  Brit-Chrissy says that rent and such is "all we'd be sharing.  One grope, Mate, and you'd be out."
Robin:  I wouldn't dream of it.
Brit-Chrissy:  You can dream of it as long as you don't make too much noise.
Robin worries what would happen if he "pulls a girl," then corrects this to bringing his girlfriend in for a quiet chat.  Jo says they'd go to the pictures.  The question doesn't come up on 3'sC, although it will feature in many plots later.  Robin also worries that there's no lock on the loo door, and he bathes in the nude.  "No!" Chrissy teases.  She suggests he sing in the bath, like they do.

David:  But you're women.
Sam:  (adoringly, rather than as the line would seem to call for, sarcastically) Nothing gets by you, does it?
David says it would be a very tricky set-up.  Sam says he's a much better cook than Eleanor.
Jenny:  And you can't get pregnant on us.
David:  You can't tell.  I'm very popular.

Besides, Robin/David said he'd phone someone who's looking for a roommate.  He borrows their phone.
Jo:  Oh well, back to instant porridge, instant mash.
Brit-Chrissy:  Instant indigestion.

The girls are amused that he's calling someone he met at the party, Douglas.  Brit-Chrissy clues us in by doing a limp wrist.  She calls Douglas divine.  Jo says ducky.  They giggle in the background.  The American girls smile but say nothing.  Douglas, who prefers to be called Dougy, had a tiff/spat with his roommate Geoffrey/Gregory. 

Robin:  Gay?  Er, well you know.  I'm a reasonably happy chap...Oh, sorry, that gay. (He deepens his voice.)

David:  Buy?  No, I don't want to buy.  I want to rent.  Oh, am I bi?

Robin/David says he can't move in.  "No, that's not it.  I didn't even know you wore a toupee."  After he hangs up, Jo says he'd never have had to buy himself another box of chocolates.  Jenny says, "You could've been up to your navel in turquoise."  Robin/David reconsiders the offer.  They tease that he's on the rebound.  We learn that the American rent is $55/month each.  Jo has him do the washing up, while Jenny more fairly says, "You wash, we'll dry."  Robin puts on his knickers, "still a bit damp around the Prospect of Whitcombe" (sp?).

At various places in the pilots, Brit-Chrissy/Jenny/Janet tells Robin/David/Jack, any fooling around and they'll "take him straight to the vet."  (It's in the closing tag of the earlier pilot, a scene that doesn't have an exact parallel in the other pilots.)

Jo/Sam/Amer-Chrissy says he can move in when he likes because the room is empty.

The Ropers drop by together this time.  Mr. Roper says they're having a disagreement about "a certain matter of sex."  (Stanley is the most uptight on this line delivery.)  Brit-Chrissy/Jenny/Amer-Chrissy says, "Do you want to borrow a book/ our manual?"  Mrs. Roper points out the man in drag.  Mr. Roper says this isn't the man he saw earlier, and pokes Robin/David/Jack's chest.
Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy:  This is our landlord and he's always doing that.
Jenny:  That's our landlord.  That's a new thing of his.

"How do you do?  I'm Robin Tripp and I shall be moving in."  Mr. Roper starts to describe Gabrielle and then he reacts.  "You'll be doing no such thing!"  He won't have "a fellow moving in with two birds." 

"Nice to meet you, Sir.  I'm going to be moving in here."  Amer-George immediately reacts to David's announcement. 

"Hi, Tripper.  Jack Tripper.  I'm moving in here."  Mr. Roper keeps talking and then reacts.  "Oh, no, you're not!"

Jo/Sam/Jack says it's "purely platonic.
Mr. Roper:  What does that mean?
Mrs. Roper:  Like you and me, George/Stanley.
Brit-George says, "I'm not having it."  Chrissy says, "Neither would he be."  Stanley says, "Even so, you can't move in here."

Robin/David/Jack says he'll put his trousers/pants on.  Mrs. Roper, moving closer in the British version, says, "If you must, you must."  Mr. Roper demands to know why the man had his trousers/pants off.  Helen says they probably clashed with his dressing gown.  Brit-Chrissy/Jenny says she can explain.


Changing trousers, changing society:  In the kitchen, Jo/Sam/Amer-Chrissy and Robin/David/Jack talk.  Robin says it's a permissive society, "the swinging '70s.  Andy Warhol, Flesh, Trash, anything goes."  Then he makes Jo turn away while he puts on his trousers. 
Sam:  I think Mr. Roper has a lot of preconceived fantasies.
David:  I understand.  His generation can be very uptight about anything that even hints at sex.  Could you, uh, turn around while I put my pants on?"
David will probably have to return to the Y, "the Horatio Alger Suite."  Robin offers to leave behind the recipe for breakfast, but Jo says the way she cooks it'd be sacrilege.  Jack doesn't give a speech and he doesn't ask Chrissy to look away, although she does.

Robin suggests he grovel to Mr. Roper.  Sam says David should talk to Mr. Roper, "grovel."  Jack and Chrissy are more defiant, he planning to "lay into Mr. Roper," she with her hands on her hips as they stride back to the living room.


The Situation:  Robin accidentally says Mr. Groper, but is very humble and polite.  Jack is confrontational.  And David of course starts to give a speech:  "Mr. Roper, each time has its own realities.  People must not superimpose their values on others.  Now if we freely and willingly select a mode of living--"

Mr. Roper interrupts.  Brit-Chrissy/Jenny/Janet explained it all.  Brit-George won't shake hands though and he and Mildred leave quickly, looking very uncomfortable.  The American Mrs. Ropers are maternal, calling the new roomie Dear, patting or pinching his cheek.  The American Ropers exit smiling.

Brit-Chrissy seems very smug, whistling and crossing her arms.  She says she set Mr. Roper's mind at rest, "mainly about the sex bit."  She sits Robin down and puts her arm around his shoulder.  She says he'll probably have to wear the dressing gown for the rest of his life, since she told Mr. Roper "you're a pooft."  Robin winces.  We don't see Jo's reaction.

Jenny says she reasoned with the Ropers, appealed to their common sense and logic.  "And I told them you were gay."  David and Sam are stunned.

Janet:  I told him that Jack was a decent, respectable, hard-working young man.
Jack:  And that did it?
Janet:  Not quite.  I also told him you were gay.
Chrissy is amused.  Jack is so surprised that he falls off the couch.

Commentary next time!