"It's Only Money"

The fifth episode of MatH became the sixth of 3'sC, the one to close out the Britishly short first season.  MatH5 aired on 12 September 1973.  3'sC6 appeared Apr. 21, 1977 and was the first episode to reach #4.  It's a fairly straightforward conversion, with even the title staying the same, "It's Only Money."  There are some differences, which I'll talk about of course.


You move it nicely:  Brit-Chrissy comes into the building and checks the post.  Janet is just outside her front door when she's looking at the mail.  Robin enters the door and Jack comes up the stairs.  Robin/Jack has been following Brit-Chrissy/Janet since the bus stop, enjoying the view from the back/rear.  He says there's not a lot of her but she moves it nicely.  She calls him a sex maniac.  Jack says in a goofy voice, "Well, if you're going to be any kind of maniac, that's the kind to be."  Robin doesn't reply verbally but he ogles Chrissy as they head upstairs.

Upstairs, Brit-Chrissy notices the flat door's open.  Robin thinks Jo's home, but Chrissy says, "No, she isn't, I left her at the office."  (I think is the first mention of them working together.)

Jack notices that they went inside the apartment without a key.  They both call to Chrissy.  No answer.
Janet:  Maybe she's taking a shower.
Jack:  You're right.  I'll go look.
Janet:  Hold it!  I don't hear any water running.
Jack:  I'll go look anyway.  Maybe she's taking a bath.

It turns out that Jack left the apartment last.  Janet suggests burglars.  Jack says there have been a lot of break-ins around there lately.
Janet:  You're right!  That young couple next door, they've been ripped off twice!
Jack:  You mean Horace and Mike?
Janet:  Burglars don't care about your sex life.

Brit-Chrissy says there have been a lot of break-ins around there lately.  Robin scoffs.
Chrissy:  That young couple at 29, they were done twice.
Robin:  Young couple?  They're both blokes.
Chrissy:  I don't think burglars care about your sex life.

They take a peek into the flat.
Chrissy:  Have they made much of a mess?
Robin:  Well, it's difficult to tell, the way we leave the flat.

Both sets of roommates check to see if burglars are still there.  Robin pretends to be accompanied by "Charlie," "Bill," and an Alsatian.  Jack tops this, with "Charlie," "Bill," "Fred" (hey, three Weasley brothers!), a Doberman, and shotguns.

Brit-Chrissy doesn't want to check her room alone.
Robin:  Certainly, I'll come in the bedroom with you.
Chrissy:  I'd rather face the burglar.

When Jack looks in his room, he exclaims, "Oh my God, what a mess!"  But that's the way he left it.

Robin starts to make tea, and then he remembers the rent.  He checks the rentbook and it's empty.  Chrissy comes in and says the transistor radio's gone.  Robin tells her that month's rent is gone as well, 80 quid.

The radio is missing on 3'sC, too, along with the envelope under the radio, an envelope with their $300 rent money.  (No, I don't know what the exchange rate was in the '70s, and then of course 1973 pounds would have to be converted to 1977 dollars.)

Jo comes in, but she put the rent under the rentbook on the kitchen dresser.  Chrissy says they'll have to phone the police. 

Amer-Chrissy comes in while Jack and Janet are looking  to see if the envelope fell.  They're both startled, Jack even leapfrogging into the bathroom.  Chrissy took the radio to be repaired, but she left the rent money on the shelf.  Jack will call the police.


Special Branch:  Downstairs at the Brit-Ropers', they're trying to fix themselves up in the same mirror.  George does a combover.  When Mildred insults him, he says, "Sarcasm goes right over my head."  She says, "Pity your hair doesn't."

They're going out to the pub.  He peeks out the window to see if it's stopped raining.  He sees coppers.  He thinks it's about the telly licence, which he never got.  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Television_licence)  But the cops want Apartment 2.  Mr. Roper says, "Vice squad?  Well, I'll give evidence."  He claims to know a lot about law enforcement because he watches Special Branch every week.  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special_Branch_(TV_series) ) In the background, Mrs. Roper shakes her head no.  He corrects this to say he watches on the neighbours' set. 

He wants to eavesdrop on the kids upstairs but she makes him go to the pub.

Over at the Amer-Ropers', Stanley says his hair is thinning and when you get to his age, that's the first thing to go.  "Not in your case, Stanley."

He also looks out the window, but to peep at "that blonde" in 105.  He corrects Helen, it's 107.  She tells him that they had a peeping tom last night.  He looked in their bedroom window and yawned.  He says, "You must've been getting undressed."  He breaks the fourth wall and laughs in the direction of the audience, which would soon be his specialty.

Chrissy gave Helen flowers.  She got them from Stanley's garden, but it's the thought that counts.  Mrs. Roper thinks they should take the kids out to dinner.  Mr. Roper doesn't want to.  If the trio move out, he could rent the apartment for a lot more money.


Pot:  Back upstairs at the Amer-trio's, it turns out that this is last month's rent.  They're already a month behind.  (Honestly, it's like they pay a month's rent every week.  I can't keep track.)

Chrissy says, "I've only got one thing worth selling and I was hoping to save that till I got married."  She of course means her grandmother's wedding ring.

They consider telling Roper, but decide he wouldn't believe them.

At the Brit-trio's, two policemen investigate.  Eighty pounds and a transistor radio, no, Jo took the radio in to be repaired that morning.  Do they usually leave rent money lying in full view?
Chrissy:  No, we usually leave it lying under the pot.
Policeman:  Pot, Miss?
Not that kind of pot, she means a plant pot.

Chrissy closes the door to show how the door was only slightly ajar.  She reveals the banner on the back of the door, with a pig in a policeman's helmet and the words "Join your local piggery."  She hastily takes it down.

One policeman sees the key on a string, hanging from the letterbox.  Chrissy says, "Oh, but that's only for our use."

One policeman arrives at the Amer-trio's.  He finds out that they keep a spare key in the flower pot.  Chrissy says that that's for them, no one else is supposed to use it. 

Jack says the radio is missing, but Chrissy reminds him that she took it in to be repaired.

Policeman:  So the three of you share a flat and so forth.
Jo:  Oh, just the flat, not so forth.

The Amer-policeman asks if they're in the habit of leaving $300 lying around.  Jack says they're not in the habit of having $300. 

The police ask if anything else is missing.  Robin/Jack says just small things like lipstick.  "You can't find your lipstick, Sir?"  He explains he means the girls' lipstick.  He can't find things like odd socks.

Janet says it was their rent money.  Jack explains, "You see, every week, we collect some money for the pot."  The policeman looks at him funny.  "Oh, I mean the kitty!"

Policeman:  I wonder why they didn't take the TV.
Jack:  Have you seen some of these new shows?

One Brit-policeman remarks, "Key in the letterbox, money in full view, no insurance.  It's one way of giving to charity I suppose."

Janet wants the cop to tell their landlord that their rent money was stolen.  He thinks it's a scam and says next time they should make it look more convincing.  For instance, don't leave the money in an envelope marked "rent," nobody's that stupid.  Chrissy says, "We are!"


After the police leave:  Robin says the cops were a bit sarky.  Jo thinks the young policeman fancied her.  Chrissy says, "I know the type.  Anything you wear will be taken down."

Like on 3'sC, this is last month's rent they lost.  They're already a month behind.  And they consider explaining to their Mr. Roper but he probably won't believe it either.  Jo says, "No use sitting and moping.  Let's go to the pub and mope there."

At the pub, Brit-Chrissy suggests a pint and three straws.  Robin says it's just 80 quid in debt.  The country is 20,000 million in debt (I think he says), but you don't see Heath on the charity list.  (Sir Edward Heath was Prime Minister from 1970 to 1974.  He also pops up in the lyrics to the Beatles' "Taxman.") 

They need money fast.  Jo gets the line about "only one thing worth selling."

Chrissy recommends they avoid Roper for a few days, but then the Ropers are revealed to be at the next table.  Mr. Roper asks about the police.  Chrissy says they were Uncle Albert and Uncle Arthur.  (Probably not a reference to Paul McCartney's 1971 song "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey.")  Forthright Jo says they were burgled, but Robin and Chrissy say that nothing was taken.  Mr. Roper asks how they know they were burgled then.  Chrissy says her uncles told them. 

Mr. Roper says, "About the rent--" but the trio dash out.

Back in the downstairs hallway they think that all Mr. Roper could think of was the rent.

Amer-Mr. Roper comes by.  They sneak out while he's inviting them to dinner, but we don't see where they go.


The next morning:  Mr. Roper sulks about being run out on.  Mrs. Roper says he fell asleep complaining about it.  "You fall asleep in the middle of everything."  They exchange some more insults.  (I've got to be honest, the Ropers' bickering was never my favorite part of the show, so I'm not going to go into it much unless notable.) 

She urges him to try inviting the kids again.  He doesn't want to, so she threatens to spend the day talking to him.  He reluctantly agrees to try again.

Meanwhile, Jo is making eggs sunny side up, but Chrissy says they're two black sooty lumps.  Robin throws her cooking away, because it doesn't look like food.

Jo says she has a pig in her bedroom, not the young policeman or actual swine, but a money pig.  They'll pool their money, but Jo says she blew her life savings on a packet of crisps.  The total is "a piddling amount."

In the Amer-kitchen, the girls are in their nightclothes.
Janet:  What about that boss of yours?  The one who's always chasing you around.   Think you could get an advance out of him?
Chrissy:  Only if I let him catch me.

Jack comes in wearing an undershirt and what seem to be briefs.  Janet is disgusted, till he explains that they're his bathing suit.  She reluctantly says all right.  Jack says she can't tell the difference between them and his underwear.  Chrissy says, "I can.  Your underpants have giraffes on them," quite a bit more innocent than Robin's pub signs.
Janet:  You don't catch us walking around the apartment in our underwear.
Jack:  You've been too quick for me.

Chrissy suggests they have a garage sale even though they don't have a garage.  They can rent one with the money from the sale.

Jack suggests getting a loan from a bank.  Janet can't because they always check her "impeccable" references.

Then Jack has an idea, and hits his head with the banana he's eating.  He can go to his college's financial aid department.  He'll have to give them a sad story, so to make the truth sadder, he asks, "Can I tell them you're pregnant?", meaning both girls.

Robin decides to try to get an overdraft at the bank.  They're discussing it in the downstairs hallway when Mr. Roper comes out and says, "About the rent--"  The trio dash out.

Overdraft and loan:  Robin tries to get an overdraft at the bank.  The bank official is very stiff and unemotional.  Robin has no life insurance or other collateral, so it doesn't look good.  When he mentions he lives with two girls, the bank officer says, "Well, yes, that would be expensive."  It turns out Robin hasn't got an account there.  He does have two pounds, in ha'pence.

In America, William Pierson appears as Mr. Travers, the financial aid officer.  He'll later get a recurring role, promoted to Dean Travers. 
Mr. Travers:  You're living with a woman?
Jack:  Yeah, that won't hurt my application, will it?
Mr. Travers:  Jack, Jack, this is the '70s.  I mean, this is a college, not a monastery.

Jack says that roommate is a typist, the other girl works in a flower shop.  Mr. Travers repeatedly and lustfully says, "You live with two girls?"  He also asks if this is going to be enough money.  Jack says, "I don't believe in biting off more than I can chew."  He says he has a six-hour schoolday and studies at night, but he picks up odd jobs.  Mr. Travers wonders when Jack can find the time.


I've just had a thought:  At the pub again, Jo says she asked her boss for a loan, but he turned his hearing aid off.  Chrissy says he's a drag.  "He chases you around the desk and then doesn't know what to do with you when he catches you."  I'm not clear if this is Jo-you or generic-you, but I get the impression they have the same boss, since they work in the same office.  (As secretaries?  Not yet clear.)

 Back at the apartment, Jack says he almost had the money, but then Mr. Travers asked about Jack's father and that ruined it.  Chrissy says, "Are you illegitimate?"  The problem is actually that Jack's dad makes over $6000/year, so he's not a hardship case.  (What's that in today's money?)

Robin/Jack:  I've just had a thought.  We mustn't despair.
Brit-Chrissy/Janet:  Yes, what is it?/Well, what's your thought?
Robin/Jack:  That's it.  We mustn't despair.
Janet gets the reply, "We don't need philosophy, Jack.  We need money."

Jim the Bartender apparently gives out gambling tips, but the race he's talking about already happened.  He does give Robin a quid, telling him to keep the change, when Robin wants to borrow 80.  (100 pence in a pound.) 

The Ropers come in.  "About the rent--"  Yes, the trio dash out.

Mr. Roper is wearing a new suit.  He won some money, based on one of Jim's tips.


Who took the money:  Back at the flat, Chrissy is going to borrow the money from her parents.  Robin at first is dubious, but Jo says Chrissy knows what she's doing.  So Robin says to "screw them" for 100, "so we can have a nice night out."  Chrissy's mother answers, although we don't see her half of the conversation.  "No, I don't want to borrow money.  Not much."

Jo and Robin go in the kitchen.  Jo says maybe the young policeman was looking at her with suspicion rather than lust.  Robin says that it could've been one of the three of them that took the money, but he's sure it's not.

Chrissy comes in and says her parents are having their own money woes, including needing to fix the tractor.  (Again, this suggests that Chrissy grew up as a farm girl, which is delightful considering her sophistication now.)  She's going to send a fiver a week to her parents to help them out.

Chrissy suspects Mr. Roper of taking the money.  Robin agrees.  Mr. Roper was wearing a new suit and he bought two large gins.

Mr. Roper comes by.  "About the rent money--"
Robin:  I apologise, Mr. Roper, if I'm wrong, but I think you took it.
George:  Yes.
Robin:  (to Chrissy) Obviously, we can't prove-- What?

Mr. Roper says he signed the rentbook, but it turns out they didn't notice.  Then he says, "What about this month's rent?"

Over on 3'sC, both Ropers come by.  They're dressed up, probably because they're hoping the kids will go to dinner with them.  Chrissy answers the door but says she's taking a shower, then she shuts the door.  The trio go to grab their coats to head to the pub.  The Ropers let themselves in.

Stanley:  This time, nobody's leaving.  Helen, lock that door!
Helen:  Come on, Kojak.  Why don't you tell them why you came?

Mr. Roper asks yes or no.  Jack says, "No, with an explanation."  Mr. Roper asks why they don't want to come to dinner.
Chrissy:  Is that all?
Stanley:  Well, maybe we can go bowling afterwards.

Chrissy laughs in relief and says, "All along we thought you were coming to collect the rent."  He says they already paid it.  He came up to fix their sink and he saw the envelope that said "rent," so naturally he took it.  Janet asks why there was no receipt.  He opens his receipt book, and both copies are in there.  He now tears their copy out.


Commentary:  This is the least sexual plot so far.  Even "And Mother Makes Four" had the whole thing about Robin/Jack having to stay in the girls' bedroom.  Not that there isn't innuendo, especially in the Mr. Travers sequence, but it's not as central to the story. 

The main differences between the two episodes involve Mr. Roper.  On MatH, he keeps wanting to tell the kids that he took the rent check, while on 3'sC he's trying to invite them to dinner.  Also, on MatH, it's the kids' fault for not looking at their rentbook more carefully, while it's Amer-Roper's fault for not leaving the receipt.

Another difference is in the police.  On MatH we get two coppers and a bit of '60s anti-police sentiment.  On 3'sC it's one cop who's more obviously suspicious of the trio.  (Jack's line about the new TV shows is ironic of course, since this was one of the newest and most critically lambasted of the year.)  It's funny that there's a "pot" joke on both episodes.  On 3'sC6, as on MatH1, we're reminded that this is the '70s, as if we could forget.

There's the first suggestion that Jo and/or Amer-Chrissy is a virgin, although they're talking about rings.  They're both being chased by lecherous bosses at work.  (This is well before the days of sexual harassment as a recognized issue.)

A lot of the lines made it intact, or nearly, across the ocean, but it is amusing to think how "That young couple at 29, they were done twice" and Robin suggesting Chrissy screw her parents, i.e. cheat them, had to be rephrased to avoid unintended innuendo.  Also, it's funny that on MatH you get political humour, while on 3'sC you get a joke about Kojak (which ran for another year after this).

The other notable thing about MatH5 is it's the episode that introduces Jim the Bartender.  His American counterpart would appear often later, until replaced by Mike the Bartender.