The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Women

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft a-gley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promised joy.

--Robert Burns (1786)

MatH's "Of Mice and Women" became "The Best Laid Plans," the Americans ending up with the more suggestive half of the well-known phrase.  "Schemes" would've been a more accurate word under the circumstances.  And the plans in both episodes are the men's, despite the British title.  Things definitely go a-gley, or awry. 

Math17 got converted into a third season episode of 3'sC, which makes a difference, for reasons I'll go into.  Math17 aired on 30 October 1974, while 3's48 appeared on Feb. 13, 1979, and the latter placed #2 in the ratings.

Alarm:  Robin/Jack knocks on the girls' bedroom door.  It's 7:30 in the morning.  Brit-Chrissy/Janet says she's up.  Robin/Jack says to prove it by knocking on the door.  Brit-Chrissy admits she's not up, but Janet gets out of bed.  Robin says he'll count to three and then he'll burst into song.  Now Brit-Chrissy gets up and draws the curtains.

Robin tells Chrissy she's wearing a nice nightdress.  Jack tells Janet she's wearing a very sexy nightie, and he never noticed that dimple before.  Brit-Chrissy is skeptical, but Janet panics.  She tells Amer-Chrissy that Jack can see into their bedroom.  Jack tells Chrissy that she'll catch a nasty chest cold dressed like that.  Now Janet is skeptical.  Brit-Chrissy/Janet asks how many fingers she's holding up.  Robin says she's making a rude gesture.  Jack exclaims, "Shame on you, Janet!  I thought you were a lady!"

Brit-Chrissy/Janet notices that Jo/Amer-Chrissy's alarm didn't go off.  Jo/Amer-Chrissy says you have to shake it first.

Pests:  In the kitchen, Robin sings a bit of "Blue Suede Shoes."  Brit-Chrissy is annoyed he's a morning person.  When he says that today is the first day of the rest of your life, she says he's been reading matchboxes again.  He says there'll never be another Thursday like this again.  She says it's Friday.  In contrast, Amer-Chrissy doesn't even mind when Jack greets her with, "Good morning, Little Chrissy."

Janet/Jo screams offstage.  Jo comes in and says something ran across her foot.  Robin says, "What?  A bicycle?  A steamroller?", a line that made me laugh out loud, because it's typical of his whimsy.  She says it was a mouse.

Janet runs in and jumps up, putting her arms around Jack's neck.  She says she needs him.  He says, "In front of Chrissy?"  She says a mouse ran across her foot.  He lowers her onto a chair, making her let go.  Janet says she heard the mouse squeak.  Chrissy says, "Don't just stand there, Jack!  Go oil it!"  Then she snort-laughs.

Robin/Jack gets a pan.  Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy asks if he's going to cook the mouse.  Robin quotes Churchill, with a line about fighting them on the beaches.

The doorbell rings.  As Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy answers it, she says that the mouse wasn't after Janet/Jo, it was probably just hungry.  "Food attracts pests."  Under the aforementioned Lenny & Squiggy rule (see http://www.mts.net/~lmauthe1/Lori/lavshirshow.htm ), Brit-Larry has come by to borrow sugar, milk, and coffee, while Amer-Larry omits the sugar.

Robin/Jack returns from checking the girls' room. 
Jack:  I'm sorry, Janet.  If he's in there, I can't find him.
Larry:  You lost a guy in your bedroom?

Both Larrys had a mouse upstairs.  Jo says theirs is brown with the tip of its tail missing.  Larry did that with the egg whisk, which he also borrowed.  Janet says theirs is dark brown and asks what color Larry's is.  Chrissy says, "It doesn't matter, Janet.  I think mice are color-blind."

The Larrys leave with the items they're borrowing.  Jo says she loaned Larry the egg whisk when he was decorating and ran out of sticks to stir paint with.  As Jack serves breakfast, Amer-Chrissy says she's not scared of mice.  She practically grew up on her grandfather's farm, and there were lots of mice.  Jack says, "And lots of teeny milking stools."

Since Janet's still scared of the mouse, he says he'll buy a mousetrap after class.

No Children, No Mice:  As Mildred tries to watch something on the television about a woman on her deathbed, who's only been married a week (a Love Story parody?), George noisily eats pickles, peanuts, crisps, and celery.  She says he even drowned out The World at War.  (The programme finished airing the previous May, not to Franz's liking, as we know.)  George says he couldn't hear this film due to her nattering.

She says they can't exchange two words without arguing.
George:  We can.
Mildred:  We can't!

Meanwhile, Stanley complains about Helen spending $45 on a nightgown.  "Who was in it?  Raquel Welch?"  She says it's a very beautiful nightgown and she wore it to bed last night.  He says that for 45 bucks she can at least buy something he can't see through.

Mrs. Roper has a surprise for her husband.  Her mother is coming to stay for a week.  He says, "Over my dead body!"  Helen says, "Let's leave our sex life out of this."

George:  Mildred, am I or am I not master in my own house?
Mildred:  Don't be ridiculous.

Jo/Janet knocks and Mrs. Roper answers.  Jo/Janet says there's a mouse upstairs.  Mr. Roper says that's not allowed in the lease, no pets.  Jo wanted him to know, as landlord.  George says if the name isn't on the rentbook, it's not his responsibility.  Janet says the mouse was also seen at Larry's.

Mrs. Roper says she takes after her mother in being afraid of mice.  Her husband realizes this is good news.  Stanley grins at the audience after saying that they'll have to cancel her mother's visit.

Don't trust yourself:  Robin will tempt the mouse's palate with Stilton cheese.  Chrissy says they're trying to catch a mouse, not Egon Ronay (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egon_Ronay ).  Jack tests his mousetrap with a pencil, then says, "Sorry, Mickey."

Jo/Janet won't sleep in her room until the mouse is gone.  Robin/Jack says he'll give her his bed, and take hers.

Jo says, "Oh, that's fair.  I don't mind," but Chrissy objects.  We don't hear Janet's reaction before Amer-Chrissy objects, but I can't imagine it being positive.  Robin/Jack asks Chrissy, "Still don't trust yourself?"
 
Robin says he could protect her.  He asks her to imagine "you're suddenly awakened in the middle of the night.  And you hear it:  the scamper of feet on the lino [linoleum], heading straight for your bed."  She says, "Yeah, that's why I don't want you in there."

Robin/Jack suggests discussing it over coffee.  Brit-Chrissy/Janet says that Larry borrowed the last of the coffee this morning.  Robin/Jack will go get it back.

Leap:  We next see Robin on the landing outside Larry's flat.  There's now a sign that says "Larry's Leap."  Robin bangs on the door.  When Larry finally answers, Robin says he wants the sugar, milk, and coffee.  Larry says, "Right now?"  Robin insists.  They go inside and there's a girl buttoning her blouse.  Larry calls her Rosie, but her name is Rita.

On 3'sC, we instead start out in Larry's apartment, where he's making out with a girl on the couch.  Jack knocks and Larry says, "Try to remember where my lips were, Debbie."  She corrects him to Diane.  He answers the door and reluctantly lets Jack in.  Jack apologizes as he sees Diane buttoning up.  Larry says, "This is Donna."  She corrects him again.  Jack says, "I'm very charming to meet you," as he shakes her hand.

Rita asks if Robin is a friend of Lawrence's.  It takes him a moment to get it and then he's very amused.  She says she met Lawrence at the laundrette.  She asks if Robin is in the same line of business as Lawrence.  Larry answers that Robin is not a fashion photographer.

Diane asks if Jack is in the same business as "Reginald."  Larry says Jack is not a talent scout for MGM.

Larry gives Robin/Jack the stuff he's borrowing back.  Back on the landing, Robin exclaims, "God's truth!" He's very amused.  He apologises for interrupting.  Larry says he has plenty of time.  She'll miss the last bus because he put his watch back 20 minutes.  (I guess she's not wearing one.)  Robin says, "Oh, cheeky little Lawrence!"

Larry goes back in, turns the lights down, and puts on soft music.  She asks about modeling opportunities.  He says, yeah, films, television, radio.  They make out on his bed.  He says there are lots of opportunities for the right girl with the right attitude.  Then she cries, "Something moved!"  He mumbles, "Yeah, well."  But she saw a mouse.  We break for adverts.

On 3'sC we don't get to see much more of Larry's date.  Jack says, "Nice meeting you, Denise."  Larry corrects him to Dorothy.  She says her actual name.  And when Jack leaves, he says, "Sorry, Larry."  Larry corrects him to Reginald.

The funny thing about Amer-Larry forgetting his date's name is that we later find out that his kid sister is named Diane.  And Jenny Sherman will return four seasons from now, playing a character named Ginger.

Ladle:  Jack tells Chrissy that if he sleeps in Janet's bed, Chrissy can lock the door if she wants.  She says OK at first then realizes he'd be inside the room.  She says, "You don't fool me."  She's going to sleep alone.  Janet goes to bed, too, taking a ladle for protection.  (Not the one that turned green on the pilot.)  After awhile, Chrissy calls Jack over, but only to hand him a pillow and blankets.  He's very frustrated.  And we break for commercials.

We'll see:  The next morning, Robin/Jack is asleep on the settee/sofa.  Brit-Chrissy comes in and draws the curtains.  Amer-Chrissy comes in and pulls back the covers.  Robin is topless.  Jack's feet are on the pillow.  Brit-Chrissy says, "Just think.  Whoever marries you is going to have to look at that every morning."  She rubs his unshaven jaw.  "Eugh!  Be like sleeping with a Brillo pad."  He says he's had no complaints so far.  Amer-Chrissy just says, "Blech!"

Brit-Chrissy goes in Robin's room and leaves coffee for Jo.  When she returns, Robin complains of a stiff neck.  Jack also complains of a stiff neck.  Chrissy massages Robin/Jack's neck.

The mousetrap is empty.  He says he's not sleeping on the settee/sofa again.  She says, "We'll see."  When he asks what she means, she says she feels a bit guilty.  At this point, Amer-Chrissy starts massaging Jack's stiff knee and back.  The Chrissys say Robin/Jack could've slept in Jo/Janet's bed.  As for tonight, well, we'll see.

Robin grins after she leaves the room.  Jack says, "We'll see.  I can't ask for more than that." 

Jo comes in with her coffee and asks Robin if he slept well.  He has to frown again.  Janet comes in, still with the ladle.  Jo suggests Robin have his bed back.  He says no, she should stay in his room till they find the mouse.  Jack says the mouse probably slept at his girlfriend's house.

Jo/Janet answers the door.  Brit-Larry wants to borrow the coffee back.  He's wearing an Oxford University sweatshirt, which feels out of character, although who's to say where he got it.  Amer-Larry wants to borrow a piece of bread.  He's getting paid today and he promises to never borrow again.  He also wants marmalade.  Janet goes to the kitchen, yelling, "Chrissy, Mr. Mooch is back!"

Brit-Larry is going to a race at Kempton Park.  He's going to bet on Nothing Doing.  After last night, it's got to be an omen.  He and Robin smoke together as they talk about Larry's date.  Larry says it was real tongue sandwich stuff.  But then the mouse showed up.  She got hysterical and he slapped her face, so she slapped his face.  Amer-Larry also struck out.  Jack is surprised, since "the only question was who gets the pillow?"  She saw the stupid mouse and got hysterical, then they slapped each other.

Brit-Larry threw his radio at the mouse.
Robin:  You mean it's dead?
Larry:  Dunno.  I switched if off, so.
Amer-Larry killed the mouse in an unspecified manner.  Robin/Jack doesn't want Larry to tell the girls the mouse is dead. 

Brit-Chrissy brings Larry coffee but he has to hand it back to Robin because he's actually late for the race, his watch still being set back 20 minutes.  As Amer-Larry leaves with the bread, he tells Jack, "Mum's the word."  When Chrissy asks, "Mum's the word for what?", Jack says, "Chrysanthemums.  Don't you know anything?" 

State secret:  In the entryway, Brit-Larry tells George he killed the mouse.  George doesn't want Larry to tell Mildred.  As Larry leaves he tells the milkman, "There's something I could tell you, but I'm beginning to think it's a state secret."  The milkman isn't listed in the credits, despite his reaction of wide-eyed bewilderment.

Over at the Amer-Ropers', Helen answers the phone and tells Mama the bad news.  Stanley comes in and grins at the audience.  Then he stops when Helen says no, she doesn't mean Stanley when she says there's a mouse in the house.  He goes out to get the paper.  Larry runs downstairs and tells him about killing the mouse.  Stanley doesn't want Larry to tell Helen.  Larry asks, "Was this mouse somebody important?"  Stanley says if the mouse dies, he'll have to spend a week with an old bat.

Mr. Roper goes back into his flat/apartment.  His wife is still on the phone with her mother.  When she hangs up, she says they're going to her mother's for a week.  He doesn't want to go because she's only got one bed/bedroom.  George will be stuck on the camp bed.  Stanley will have to sleep on the porch with the dog.  Mrs. Roper says her mother is an old lady.  Mildred adds that next time they see her may be at her funeral.  George says he wouldn't mind going down (to an unspecified location) for that.  Helen says it's now or never.  Stanley says he could wait till then.  Helen's mother, incidentally, lives in Sacramento.  And Mildred by the way, is wearing bright green flared slacks.

Mr. Roper says he just remembered, the young fella in the top flat/Amer-Larry killed the mouse.  She says he's not a very convincing/good liar.

High opinion:  Robin has Chrissy check on the race in the paper.  She says of Nothing Doing, "It was scratched."  Jo says, "I suppose it's all those prickly fences they have to jump over."  They wonder if she's serious or joking. 
Jo:  Don't talk about me as if I wasn't here.
Robin:  Where did that voice come from?  (He and Chrissy look for it on the table.)
Jo:  Look, I wouldn't mind if I wasn't, 'cause I wouldn't know.  But I am and I do, so don't.
She leaves the room.

The Amer-girls are playing Monopoly.  Janet still has the ladle.  Jack keeps fake-yawning till they take the hint and decide to finish the game tomorrow.  Janet gives Jack a peck on the lips and goes to his bed.

Then Jack says he hopes he sleeps all right, because he has exams tomorrow.  If he fails, it'll be an extra year, but it's only his life they're talking about.  Chrissy says he can sleep in Janet's bed, and she'll sleep on the sofa.  Brit-Chrissy doesn't need the trick of phony exams to make a similar offer to Robin.

Robin:  If you think I'm gonna take advantage of a situation like this, then, well, you, you can't have a very high opinion of me.
Jack:  All right, I'm gonna level with you, Chrissy.  You and I have known each other for a long time, right?  Well, if, if you think that I'm the kind of guy who would take advantage of a stiuation, then, uh, I'm afraid that you don't think very highly of me.  And it hurts, Chrissy.  I'm wounded, but I'll get over it.

Chrissy says Robin/Jack can sleep in Jo/Janet's bed if he promises to behave himself.  He says he will but then he goes to shave before he turns in.

Tremendous respect:  On MatH we get a quick look at an Easy Rider poster before panning down to Chrissy reading in bed.  Amer-Chrissy is reading, too.  Robin/Jack knocks and asks if she's respectable/decent before coming in.  Robin is wearing a robe and pyjamas.  He takes the robe off and says he doesn't normally wear pyjamas.  (He might well be sleeping in the nude all those times we see him sleeping topless.)  Jack is also wearing a robe and pajamas, plus an ascot!  He takes off the robe and ascot.

Robin/Jack talks as Chrissy reads.  He gets into Jo/Janet's bed, Robin hugging Jo's teddy.  Robin says it's a very nice bed.  Jack says the mattress is nice and springy, not too firm.  She asks what the smell is.  Robin/Jack says it's his aftershave or deodorant.  Jack also says mouthwash, but he doesn't think it's his hairspray.

Jack says he never noticed the picture of Chrissy's parents before, with her father in his minister's collar, like he's watching, almost guarding.  Jack isn't dissuaded though.

Robin/Jack says this is a nice bed and asks what hers is like.  She tells him to keep his mind off her bed.  So Robin talks about some bill passing through the committee stage on the floor of the House (of Commons?). 

She suggests he get a book.  The girls' beds are much further apart on MatH, but Robin walks all the way over to Chrissy's bookcase to browse.  He sees Sex and the Single Girl and asks what it's about.  She says, "Church architecture."  He sits on her bed as he gets another book.  He asks about it.  She says there's not a lot of plot, since it's a London street guide. 

Chrissy:  This is a very good book.
Robin:  It must be, you're reading it upside-down.
Chrissy:  Oh.
She admits she's not really reading.  The title of her book looks like The Strange Case of something.  Hilariously, the book Amer-Chrissy is reading is Quorum!  Unfortunately Jack doesn't notice.

Robin sets down her book and their heads are very close by now.
Robin/Jack:  Chrissy?
Chrissy:  No.
Robin/Jack:  I haven't even asked you yet.
She knows what he's going to ask.

Brit-Chrissy:  Look, they say this is the way a girl can lose a man's respect.
Robin:  Not mine.  I've got tremendous respect for you.  And I can feel it coming on right now.

Amer-Chrissy:  Jack, I think that maybe this is a mistake.  I mean, this is the way a girl can lose a guy's respect.
Jack:  (talking in an overexaggerated way) Oh, no, Chrissy, no!  I have a tremendous amount of respect for you.  I think of you as a sister.  Not mine of course, but-- (He laughs.)

Brit-Chrissy asks Robin to go back to Jo's bed.  He's holding her hand and says, "Here I go then," but it takes him awhile to go.

Amer-Chrissy:  Jack, what can I do to get you to go to sleep?
Jack:  Well, as a matter of fact, there is something.
She suggests he read a book.  He asks what page they're on.
Chrissy:  Jack, get in bed!
Jack:  I thought you'd never ask.
She pulls away as he tries to get into her bed.

On MatH, however, Chrissy isn't as definite.
Chrissy:  I'd hate myself in the morning.
Robin:  OK, fine.
Chrissy:  On the other hand, I could lie in till the afternoon.  (He turns and grins.)
Robin:  That's true.
He comes back but steps on the mousetrap.  He falls on her bed, writhing in pain.  She tries to get the trap off his foot.

Jack sulkily returns to Janet's bed and steps in the trap.  He tells Chrissy to take off the trap.

Tell her, Son:  We get a quick little scene in the entryway on MatH.  Larry comes home.  Mildred comes out and asks if he killed the mouse.  George says, "Go on, tell her, Son."  So Larry says the mouse is still alive.  And Mildred says they're still going to her mother's.

Shut your trap:  Robin lies on the settee as Chrissy bandages his foot.  Jo is very amused that he stepped in the trap.  Jack lies on the sofa as Chrissy massages his foot.  Janet says, "Boy, Jack, it serves you right for trying to sleep in our room."  Jack says it was completely innocent.  "Why don't you girls ever trust me?"

The Larrys come by, the British one for coffee again, while the American saw their light on.  When Larry hears about his friend's foot, he asks why they still have the trap when he told him that he killed the mouse last night.  Brit-Chrissy has Jo hold Robin's other foot while she tries to put the trap on it.  Chrissy just reattaches the trap to Jack's injured foot.  Janet hits him with the ladle.  After the girls leave the room, Larry tries to take off the trap.

Sacramento:  Back at the Ropers', Helen says that Mama is expecting them.  Stanley says the plane is too expensive and they should just drive to Sacramento.  She agrees, since they can see the countryside and then check into a motel with a waterbed.  He decides on the plane after all.

Commentary:  This pair of episodes is a good example of how Brit-Chrissy's persona was sort of split in the forming of Amer-Chrissy and Janet.  If it's Brit-Chrissy's skeptical, suspicious side, then the lines and situations go to Janet.  But if it's about Robin lusting after Brit-Chrissy, then it usually becomes Jack lusting after Amer-Chrissy.  The twist in the opening scene is that Robin is lusting after Chrissy and she's skeptical about how much of her nightclothes he can see.  It ends up becoming Jack lusting after both girls.  And Amer-Chrissy gets the thing about the alarm, because she's closer to Jo's dottiness.

The third season of 3'sC is the middle of the Chrissy years and thus the middle of her dumbing-down.  This Chrissy isn't as bright as she was in the first two years, where, like Jo, she was more Gracie Allen or Phoebe on Friends than, say, Kelly Bundy.  (And Kelly was sharper her first year or two.)  By this point, Chrissy has the snort-laugh and the hair in ponytails, but she's not a borderline idiot like she will be that Fall.  Had this episode been adapted the previous season, Chrissy might not have fallen for Jack's manipulation so easily.  Yes, Brit-Chrissy falls for it, too, but there's something more complicated going on there.

Robin/Jack is dishonest, using the no longer living mouse to create a situation where Chrissy will have to share her bedroom with him.  Jack is more dishonest in that he also makes up the lie about his exams.  Yet, in some ways Robin is more manipulative.  He spends more time in Chrissy's bed (minutes rather than seconds) and he plays on her feelings for him.  Amer-Chrissy is not at all tempted by Jack.  She worries about losing his respect merely from sharing the bedroom with him.  Brit-Chrissy, however, is very tempted, although she might lose both his respect and her self-respect.  When Robin and Jack talk about respect, bear in mind how Robin in particular has previously used language to confuse emotion with lust.  Also, the way Robin/Jack tries to guilt Chrissy about not trusting him is especially manipulative because she in fact shouldn't trust him in this instance.

Again, it's unclear if either Chrissy is a virgin, although third-season Amer-Chrissy is definitely more innocent in every way than first-season.  Brit-Chrissy's wilder side is suggested by her poster of '60s movie rebels and by her Helen Gurley Brown book.  Amer-Chrissy is at least curious about sex, since she's reading Jack's "dirty" book.  Robin emphasises that he's not a virgin, with his remark about nobody so far complaining about how he looks in the morning.  As for Jack, you have to remember that the ascot used to be a symbol of sophistication and/or coolness, although it was a bit dated by then.  (Some time between Scooby-Doo's Fred and '80s 3'sC landlord Mr. Furley, it became unfashionable, although it didn't yet "look gay."  The bully on "Colour Me Yellow" wears one.)

The mousetrap is probably symbolic, since Robin/Jack is trying to trap Chrissy, not unlike the spider & fly dynamic a couple MatH episodes ago.  Robin gets trapped when Chrissy finally agrees to let him share her bed, while Jack falls into the trap when Chrissy tells him no after all his best laid plans.  Of course, they're not the only men setting traps that capture them.

In Mr. Roper's case, he doesn't want her mother to visit and he thinks the mouse will discourage her.  We're encouraged to sympathize with him, fourth-wall-breaking Stanley in particular.  George is treated like an unwanted guest when he visits his mother-in-law, but Stanley has it worse, since he has to sleep with her dog.  This time he's threatened with the possibility of sex with his wife on a waterbed!  Even on MatH, which is generally more on Mrs. Roper's side, we're not supposed to worry about poor Mildred, caught in the middle between her mother and her husband.  We know she'd choose her mum, and she scoffs at the idea of George being master of the house.  So Mr. Roper can only get his way by tricking his wife.  This is in contrast to Robin, who might be able to get Chrissy if he were more honest.

The third male schemer is Larry.  This is our first time seeing Brit-Larry with a girl, not counting Liz's friend Sheila.  We find out that Larry lies to girls as much or maybe even more than Robin does.  At least Robin never lies to girls about his job, and in fact got in trouble when he tried to tell Maddie the truth.  Amer-Larry is even worse, lying about his name.  (Although apparently Brit-Larry does that, too, according to a summary of an upcoming episode.)  The Larrys are confused about why their friends and landlords want them to lie about the mice, but they certainly don't object.  They unfortunately forget to lie for their friends when it most counts, and when Brit-Larry lies for George, it backfires.  We also find out that the Larrys are mooches, although they're more direct about that.  Having the Larrys live upstairs makes the lying, the mooching, and the mice more plausible than if they still lived elsewhere.

These episodes perfectly demonstrate Jo and Janet's different attitudes towards the possibility of romance between the other roommates.  Jo honestly doesn't care.  She thinks it'd be fair for Robin to have her bed if she's taking his, and she just thinks it's funny that Robin stepped in the trap.  Janet, on the other hand, has always been more protective of Chrissy and distrustful of Jack, so it's significant that she doesn't know about Jack tricking Chrissy with the fake exams.  She says being caught in the trap serves him right for his scheming.

A couple other things of note.  I like how, again, there's a sense of continuity on MatH, with Jo mentioning Larry decorating, from a couple weeks ago.  I also like the detail of Chrissy's grandfather's farm, because her cousin Cindy will turn out to be a country girl, and they have at least one aunt who lives on a farm.  And it's notable that Robin again works in a random political comment, with his mention of the bill in the House.