The twelfth episode of MatH converts into the twenty-third episode of 3'sC pretty easily, with some omissions and changes in dialogue. Again, a Robin-and-Chrissy plot becomes a Jack-and-Chrissy plot. (If you're wondering if Janet ever gets to be the focus in the early seasons, the answer is yes, but so far not with a MatH-based plot.) "Two Foot Two, Eyes of Blue" aired 6 February 1974, while "The Baby Sitters" appeared on January 17, 1978, placing #4 in the ratings.
More of me: Jo wants to borrow an up-lift bra. Robin queenily says he's wearing it himself. She means Chrissy's.
Chrissy: You've got nothing to uplift.
Jo: I've got more than you have.
Chrissy: Rubbish!
Robin says he's willing to offer his services as an impartial judge. (Paula Wilcox looks more endowed than Sally Thomsett, though not as much as Suzanne Somers.)
Meanwhile, Jack is reading on the couch. Janet enters from the bathroom in a towel. He suggests they play drop the handkerchief. Janet borrows Chrissy's brown eyeliner and goes back in the bathroom.
Jack tells Chrissy he's reading Quorum: A Study of Personal Relationships. (Robin's Quorum was a "journal," and seemed to be a magazine rather than a book, although it was referred to as both.) The cover is much plainer than the racy British version. Jack and Chrissy have a similar conversation to Robin and Chrissy back on MatH4, although instead of only one who's had a crack at being both a man and a woman, it's a couple people. Like Robin, Jack measures his head to measure his virility, although Amer-Chrissy doesn't remark, "He's obsessed with sex." When Jack sees what it says about 22 inches, he says, "What a crackpot theory this is!"
Brit-Chrissy points out that Jo already has her lipstick, fingernails, eyelashes. Jo thinks Chrissy objects because Chrissy fancies Philip herself. Chrissy says, "There's more of me going out with him than you."
While Jack's getting the tape measure from the kitchen, Janet returns from the bathroom, still in the towel. She wants to borrow Chrissy's tan skirt and plaid shawl. (Hey, it was the '70s! Actually, the outfit does look nice when it's all assembled.) Chrissy says, "There's more of me going out with David than there is of you," but there's no sense of rivalry or hostility here.
Robin tells the girls they should stop quarreling over Philip and instead quarrel over him. Jo says he's too available. He claims he's hard to get.
Chrissy: Come to bed.
Robin: You talked me into it.
She says he'll miss Match of the Day. (Not only was this the title of an episode, but this is one of the BBC's longest-running shows, since 1964 showing highlights of the day's matches for the Premier League.) He gleefully says, "Oh, what a choice! Lechery or Leeds!"
Jo warns that one of these days Robin will take Chrissy at her word. "Then what will you do?" Chrissy says, "I shall whisper for help." Robin laughs.
The phone rings while Jo/Janet is out of the room. Chrissy answers. It's Simon/Jerry Randall. Simon is from #27, I think the street address rather than the number of a flat, because it's too far away to be in the same building, and anyway this building looks too small to have 27 flats. Simon/Jerry says he and Podge/Punkin are leaving at seven-thirty. It turns out that Jo/Janet promised weeks ago that she'd babysit. Brit-Chrissy is especially amused.
When Jo comes back, Chrissy says, "I only hope he doesen't wet himself all over your new dress." Amer-Chrissy tells Janet, "I just hope he does't wet himself all over your skirt." (Especially since she borrowed the skirt from Chrissy.) Jo/Janet has compelety forgotten about babysitting. Chrissy offers to take her place.
Brit-Chrissy: Where will Philip be taking me?
Amer-Chrissy: Where's David going to be taking me?
The Chrissies, Robin, and Jack don't want to babysit. Robin/Jack suggests Mrs. Roper, but Chrissy says she's in bed with the flu.
Toast on fire: Cut to the Ropers', where he's serving her breakfast on a tray. George is wearing a fluffy pink apron, symbol of his emasculation. (He doesn't wear it comfortably like Robin does his naughty apron.) Mr. Roper made a boiled egg and somehow set the toast on fire.
George changed her library book. She wanted a nice romance, but he got her Rustlers at Cactus Creek, which he's going to read first. She wants to sit and chat. So he asks if they kept up their death benefit insurance.
Stanley says Name That Tune (established early on as his favorite program) is going on in a few minutes. But she wants him to sit and talk about Us. He says here they are, together, and if only she were well, they could watch Name That Tune together.
Mr. Roper suggests he sleep on the couch because of germs. She says he never gets close enough to catch anything.
Suffocate: Back upstairs, Chrissy says she doesn't know one end of a baby from another. If she put a nappy/diaper on it, it'd probably suffocate. Jo says she doesn't know either but she's made a fortune from babysitting, 40 pence/hour. Janet says that the Randalls are old friends of hers and she can't disappoint them.
Robin still doesn't want to miss Match of the Day. Jack wants to watch the Lakers vs. Portland. Jo says their television set is in black & white, while the Randalls have got colour. It would be less plausible that even flat broke young people wouldn't have color TV by '78, so Janet just says the Randalls have a better set. Jo says they've also got a bar full of drinks. Janet talks about the Randalls' fancy liquers, the kind that Jack has been wanting to cook with. Now Robin/Jack wants to go. Chrissy reluctantly agrees.
Philip/David arrives. Philip is rather cute, and I can see why Chrissy would fancy him. David is nerdier-looking, a little heavy, with glasses, and a suit and a tie. Philip is going to take Jo to a Stockhausen concert. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karlheinz_Stockhausen ), while David is going to take Janet to a recital of 14th-century music, featuring a clavichord. Amer-Chrissy says, "She's gonna play her collarbone?" Brit-Chrissy tells Jo, "I'd rather have the baby," while Janet tells Amer-Chrissy that maybe she should've stuck with the babysitting.
Indigestion: Mr. Randall asks if the baby is settling down. Mrs. Randall, very pregnant, says no, he's still kicking, going to be a football-player this one. He meant Jonathan. He thinks maybe they shouldn't go out that night. Simon says, "My boss wouldn't take kindly to you whelping in the middle of dinner." Jerry isn't that insensitive, but he is worried. Mrs. Randall says the doctor claims there are two weeks left. Mr. Randall says and seven months ago the doctor said it was indigestion.
The babysitters arrive. (I have no idea why there's a space in the 3'sC title. A hyphen I could see. Unless it implies that Jack and Chrissy are in the infancy of their sitting.) Robin/Jack, seeing heavily pregnant Podge/Punkin, whom he's never met before although Chrissy has, wonders if they're too early. Chrissy asks if it's going to be a boy or a girl. Podge/Punkin certainly hopes so.
While Podge/Punkin takes Chrissy in to see the baby, Simon/Jerry shows Robin/Jack where the bottles are, but he means baby bottles. Podge/Punkin says Jonathan is almost a year old.
Brit-Chrissy: You hardly had time to catch your breath before you were off again.
Podge: Exactly. Simon thought it would be a good cure for post-natal depression.
Amer-Chrissy: Boy, you hardly had time to catch your breath before you were off to the races again, huh?
Punkin: Right. Jerry thought having another baby would be a good cure for post-natal depression.
Meanwhile, Robin/Jack finds out that the television set is in the repair shop.
Simon/Jerry tells his wife to hurry up. She says, "You take all the pleasure out of being late." They leave.
Robin/Jack pretends to watch television, Jack referring to Kareem (Abdul-Jabbar) and (Bill) Walton, of the L.A. Lakers and Portland Trail Blazers respectively. Chrissy suggests Robin/Jack try the liquor/liquers. but the cabinet is locked.
Robin says, "No bottle. No drink." He looks at her then puts his arms around her. "You know what we could do?" She says no. Robin/Jack points out that they've left the flat/apartment empty and someone could steal the television. But she doesn't want to be left alone with the baby. She says they can just have a quiet evening there. Then the baby cries.
A twist: We get an extra scene at the Ropers' on MatH. Earlier, Stanley was spraying some kind of disinfectant, and now George does the same. Mildred says he's still got his gas mask, presumably the one from The War. George is reading the Western. He says, "The sheriff's about to have it out in the main street." She takes it suggestively and says, "Oo, I must read that."
She snuggles him, but he tells her, "Now, you need rest, My Beloved."
He reads on.
George: Oo, I say, hey, here's a twist. The girl from the saloon's found out that the sheriff's gun is loaded with blanks.
Mildred: I know how she feels!
Why is a raven like a writing desk?: Back at the Randalls', the babysitters have just changed Jonathan. Robin tolds the diaper in wooden tongs, while Jack holds the diaper at arm's length. Amer-Chrissy is starting to find the baby cute and Robin says he quite likes kids, but Brit-Chrissy doesn't seem to agree. Robin says, "All women love babies. It's a well-known fallacy." She admits that Jonathan is nice when he's asleep.
The phone rings and the babysitters have trouble finding it at first. Luckily the baby doesn't wake up. Simon/Jerry says Podge/Punkin has gone into labo(u)r right in the middle of the vichyssoise/appetizer. Robin says, "Nasty," while Jack only says, "What?" The pains are coming every five minutes, so Simon/Jerry will be back late. He tells Robin/Jack to have another drink. Robin/Jack says the cabinet is locked. Simon/Jerry says the key is in the (writing) desk.
But when Robin/Jack goes to the desk, it's locked, too. Then the baby cries. Jack and Chrissy fight over who will go take care of Jonathan. Both programs break for adverts/commercials.
Puff-Puff: When we return, Jack is holding the baby and singing, "There was a young lady from Wheeling/Whose bust was so huge it was--" Chrissy protests and takes Jonathan to feed him a bottle. (Any guesses on what was going to rhyme with "Wheeling"? I vote for "appealing.")
We don't actually hear Robin sing, but Chrissy holds the baby and asks if the nasty man frightened him with his horrible voice. Robin says he was singing a lullaby. Chrissy says "Lily the Pink" is not a lullaby. (This was a surprise hit for The Scaffold in 1968, based on a folk/pub song. Lyrics to one version here: http://www.thebards.net/music/lyrics/Lily_The_Pink.shtml .
Robin/Jack reads Jonathan Percy Puff-Puff and His Little Red Tooter, with supporting characters like Sammy the Signal. (A Thomas the Tank Engine parody? Probably, since the books had been around since the '40s, although it wasn't till 1979 that it turned into a children's show and became popular world-wide.) The writing is so inane that Amer-Chrissy would rather hear the limerick. When she and Brit-Chrissy complain, Robin/Jack says it wasn't written for them, it was written for Robin/Jack and Jonathan. Like Janet on "Cyrano de Tripper," she does a Steve Martin imitation with "Well, excuse me!" (It was quite the catchphrase in '77/'78.)
Robin has a suggestive pause before turning the page: "Percy's little tender behind (pause) him was full of coal." This is expanded on 3'sC: "Percy's little tender behind (pause) him was full of lumpy coal for the journey." Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy says Robin/Jack bored Joanthan to sleep, and she puts the baby to bed. Robin/Jack takes the book with him as they leave the room, to see how it ends. Chrissy can't believe he's going to read it. He says it gets pretty spicy/sexy later on. Percy has a thing going with Daphne Diesel-Engine. (Apparently not a diesel dyke.) Jack adds, "What do you think was making Percy go puff-puff-puff?"
Brit-Chrissy is worried about Podge. Robin says Podge will be all right, there's nothing to it (meaning childbirth). He says that in China the women don't even straighten up from picking the rice. He puts on an accent and even puts his fingers to his eyes to indicate slants! (This would never happen on 3'sC.)
Chrissy: How would you feel if men had the babies?
Robin: Terrified of being alone with you, Ducky.
The phone rings and Chrissy answers it, telling Robin "You are an unfeeling pig!" Simon says, "Yes, I know," thinking she means him. He's calling from the hospital and has promised to watch the birth. Robin takes the phone.
The whole sequence with Robin's prejudices is skipped for 3'sC. Jack answers the phone right off. Robin/Jack asks where the key to the writing desk is. Simon/Jerry asks if Robin/Jack wants to write something. He says no, he wants to drink something. Simon/Jerry says then he wants the drinks/liquor cabinet, and hangs up.
Robin says Simon is understandably flustered, this is a difficult time for a husband. Chrissy says, "It's all her. He did his bit months ago and he probably enjoyed it. You're a real male chauvinist you are." He tells her, "You can't argue with Father Nature."
He borrows a hair slide (pin) and tries to pick the lock on the drinks cabinet. She asks if he knows how and he says he's so far had no luck with her bedroom door. He manages this lock and does a French accent, calling himself a gentleman safecracker.
He pours them drinks, sherry for her, Scotch for him.
Robin: A couple of these and I'm anybody's.
Chrissy: A cup of tea and you're anybody's.
He claims he's not sex-mad. He's never told this to anyone before, but he's worried about his virility. (No wonder, with that 22-inch head.) He needs a sympathetic girl to help him sort out his problems. He can't keep up the ploy and ends up grabbing her and laughing. She tells him to get off (in the sense of let go). He warns her that when Gay Lib comes for him, she'll be to blame.
Chrissy: You never give in!
Robin: Neither do you.
The baby cries. Chrissy goes to check on him. She says he probably only wants a little cuddle. Robin says to the now empty room, "I know how he feels."
On 3'sC, this is all left out, and instead Jack says damn in frustration at not being able to open the liquor cabinet. Chrissy tells him not to swear, but when the baby cries, she exclaims, "Oh, damn!" To put this in context, around this time it was always a big deal (especially to nine-year-old me) to hear George Jefferson use the word "damn," and Chrissy is a minister's daughter. Swearing, "tit" aside, was very rare on 3'sC. Although now that I think of it, both "tits" and "motherfucker" are on George Carlin's list of Seven Dirty Words, and 3'sC did use a shortened version of the latter on the never-aired Suzanne Zenor pilot. Still, innuendo aside, 3'sC generally had less swearing than other shows of its time.
A lovely evening: Back at the flat/apartment, Jo/Janet's date is coming to an end. Jo says she had a lovely evening, but this wasn't it.
Janet: Well, David, I had a lovely evening.
David: Did you?
Janet: No, but I'm trying to be polite.
Philip/David is surprised she didn't enjoy Stockhausen/ 14th-century music. She says not to listen to. David compares it to spinach, which doesn't help. Jo/Janet says she'd invite him in but her flatmates/roommates are home. The phone rings and she goes to answer it. Philip/David sneaks in while she's talking to Chrissy.
The baby hasn't stopped crying. Jo/Janet recommends putting cotton wool/ cottonballs in your ears. She also suggests calling Mrs. Roper, who used to work in a hospital.
After Jo/Janet hangs up, she sees Philip/David, who remarks that they're all alone. She says she will be once he leaves. Philip wants some coffee, so Jo tells him where to buy some. David wants a drink, so Janet tells him that the Regal Beagle is right around the corner. (We knew it was in walking distance, but that's really close.)
Teething: Back at the Randalls, Robin/Jack is trying to read to Jonathan again. Chrissy asks, "Do you think he's teething?" Robin/Jack tells her, "No, I'm thure he'th therious," Jack calling her "Cwithy." She says he's responsible for that baby. He protests that he's only been in London/L.A. for six months. The chronology works perfectly for MatH, since this episode is almost six months after the first episode, when Robin had only been in London a few days. But 3'sC had been on the air ten months by this point. Jack could've said he'd been in L.A. less than a year, since Jonathan was born before Jack got to town, but the joke might not have been as funny.
Chrissy goes to call Mrs. Roper. Amer-Jonathan briefly stops crying, but when he starts again, Jack bawls, too.
Between his legs: Mildred is reading the Western while George sleeps. When the phone rings, she and Helen reach across their husbands, since Mr. Roper is asleep and the phone is by his side of the bed. Mr. Roper thinks his wife is in the mood and tells her not tonight. We don't get Chrissy's perspective for this phone call, just Mrs. Roper's, so that we're hearing it as Mr. Roper does, only we don't wake up to it and we know what Chrissy's really talking about.
Chrissy apparently apologizes for calling since Mrs. Roper says not to worry, nothing disturbs her in bed. She did work in a hospital, but in the laundry room. (More background on her, although we don't know when this was. During the war perhaps?)
Mildred: Did you wash his bottom?...Powder him between his legs and rub in some zinc and castor oil cream....And if that doesn't work, try dipping his comforter in honey....
Helen: Did you feel his bottom, Chrissy?...Rub some oil between his legs and sprinkle some powder...Try putting some honey on his nipple.
"Nipple" is not one of the Seven Dirty Words, although I'm always surprised to hear it when I watch this episode. The "comforter" line is subtler yet ultimately smuttier. The Mr. Ropers are very confused and shocked by what they hear, Stanley especially.
We can see Robin/Jack take the phone and tell Mrs. Roper that he burped the baby, and Jonathan went right to sleep. The scene continues at the Randalls' after Robin/Jack hangs up. Robin gets them drinks again. He and Jack say that there's only one remaining problem, they might have to sleep over. Chrissy says theat there's only one bed. Robin says, "What do you think, eh?" She looks like she's considering it. But Amer-Chrissy has big scared eyes.
Seven pounds, 10 ounces: The next morning, we find Robin/Jack sleeping on the sofa. He answers the doorbell. Jo/Janet wonders why the two of them didn't come home last night.
Robin: Jo, you're a woman of the world.
Jo: No, I'm not.
Robin: You would've been if you'd stayed here last night.
Jack: Janet, Janet, you're a woman of the world.
Janet: No, I'm not.
Jack: You would be if you spent the night here.
Meanwhile, Chrissy answers the phone. Podge/Punkin says she had a girl, 7 lb, 10 oz. (Two ounces heavier than Eleanor's baby.) Her mother is coming over. Simon/Jerry fainted during the delivery, hit his head on the floor, and might have a concussion, so he's being held for observation. Jack asks how much the concussion weighs.
The doorbell rings again. Robin answers it again, but this time Janet goes to the door. The older woman says she's "Mrs. Randall's mother" in the more formal U.K., while she's "Punkin's mother" on 3'sC. She's very bossy, as well as brisk in America. She starts telling the trio all the tasks that need to be done for the baby. Chrissy says that they're the night shift, Jo/Janet is the day shift.
The next twelve hours: MatH ends there, but we get the tag scene on 3'sC. Janet comes home, exhausted. She says that's the last "sit" she'll do. Two minutes after Chrissy and Jack left, the grandmother collapsed on the couch and said her heart couldn't take the excitement. (Janet does an imitation of the grandmother.)
Janet: I spent the next twelve hours feeding and fetching and reading. " 'Toot-toot,' " went the little red tooter. 'Toot-toot,' went Percy the Toot-Toot!"
Jack: Percy the Puff-Puff.
Chrissy: Gee, we didn't have any trouble with the baby.
Janet: The baby? I'm talking about the old lady!
She collapses on the couch.
Maybe it's being middle-aged myself, but Punkin's mother doesn't look that old to me. Still, it's another case of where something has to be phrased a certain way for the purposes of a joke.
Commentary: Although it's less the focus of the episode than on "And Then There Were Two" and "While the Cat's Away," I put the label "Robin-Chrissy-sexual-tension" on this episode, because we again get Robin and Chrissy alone together, and she again does seem tempted. Not only does she consider sharing the Randalls' bed with Robin, but she says that if he ever takes her flirting seriously, she shall whisper for help.
Of course, Robin isn't just sex-mad, he's also sexist, as he seems to acknowledge himself, when he says, "All women love babies. It's a well-known fallacy." Chrissy challenges him on many of his sexist remarks, although she doesn't care if he's making fun of the Chinese or the French.
I think the Randalls are the third married couple we meet on either show. (Not counting the Stevenses, whom we never see on "Three's Christmas.") They seem to be about the same age as the trio and serve as a contrast to the swinging singles. They don't seem much happier than the Ropers, although they're probably happier than the Crosses will be once Mrs. Cross finds out about his cheating. Mrs. Cross didn't have a first name, and Podge/Punkin just has a nickname. (Even Punkin's mother calls her that.) Parenthood doesn't look too attractive here either. Jonathan is cute on both shows, but at eleven months he's a handful. Podge/Punkin had post-natal depression, which her husband thought she should cure with pregnancy, the "hair of the dog that bit you" approach to child-spacing.
Not much can be said about the Jo/Janet subplot, but note that sometimes dates and friends take the living arrangement totally in stride. I think this has less to do with characters' tolerance and more to do with whether the writers want to bother adding that element in. Here, Philip/David is a pretentious bore, so it doesn't really matter whether or not he's tolerant.
Except for the babies playing little Jonathan, all the guest stars on both episodes have worked, or did work, steadily for decades. I don't recognize any of the British guests, but Jo Kendall (Podge) has done some things that I could've seen, or you may've: roles in not only TV productions of Sense and Sensibility and Treasure Island, but guest shots on programmes like The Two Ronnies and Two Goodies, not to mention parts in Howards End and Remains of the Day. Bella Emberg, playing her mother, was a regular on, of all things, The Benny Hill Show (playing various roles, presumably all of them sour-faced women). She also did guest shots on MatH's two spin-offs, George & Mildred and Robin's Nest. She was actually only 36 at the time of this episode, but looks far older.
Jerry Randall is played by Archie Hahn, who seems to have innocuously guest-starred on half the sitcoms of the '70s and '80s, often playing characters like "Bartender" or "Steward," and he recently played "Agent" in Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. He also did a notably unfunny string of six appearances on one of my other favorite shows, Whose Line Is It Anyway? Lee Bryant (Podge), too, has worked steadily and mostly obscurely from the '70s to today, her role as ex-wife Fran on T.J. Hooker probably the most significant. Sheila Rogers, who was a well-preserved 53 at the time of this episode, was another performer with an "every-face" that got her roles like "Receptionist" and "Nurse" from The Donna Reed Show to Throb (1987). In fact, she'd win a recurring role late in 3'sC run as Marge Evans, at Terri's hospital.
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