This plot, which centres around tanning, absolutely could not have been transferred over to the Santa Monica trio. It aired on 17 March 1976 and is set during the rainy months of England, which admittedly doesn't narrow it down much. The title comes from the previous year's Oscar-winning movie with Walter Matthau and George Burns.
It's just a jump to the left: The episode opens with a close-up of the Ropers' wireless. A band called Pelvic Thrust plays until the d.j. goes into his patter. He says you're tuned in, turned on, and being tantalised by Ricky Bird, your OK d.j. When he says, "Right on," George says, "Right off," and turns the wireless off.
Mildred enters from the bedroom and turns the wireless back on because she wants to know the time. He turns the wireless off again and says he prefers some World War Two announcer, whom he imitates. He tells Mildred it's ten o'clock.
She asks for his wages. He says he didn't do his full three days at the betting shop. And when she takes the envelope, she knows there's a pound missing because there's always a pound missing.
He says he's saving up, but he won't tell her for what.
George: Isn't a man entitled to a bit of privacy?
Mildred: Not when he's married.
Torremolinos: Meanwhile, Robin and Chrissy are looking at travel brochures on their settee. He wants to go skiing, but she wants to go to the beach. She thinks he'll hurt himself skiing, but he says, "I've learned to fall without hurting myself. It comes from years of drinking."
Jo enters from the kitchen and suggests they compromise by going to a very steep beach.
Larry knocks and enters. Robin has invited him along, to the girls' displeasure. He admits that Larry is the last person you'd want to share a holiday with. Larry says it's nice to feel wanted. Robin says it'll be cheaper with a fourth person.
Chrissy says they're going to Torremolinos. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torremolinos ) Larry agrees to that, so Jo tells Robin it's three to one and he's outvoted.
After the girls exit for the kitchen, Robin calls Larry a berk. He tells Larry there's plenty of talent in San Moritz. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Moritz ) Larry says to think of all those zips (on the ski clothes). He prefers all that crumpet on the beach. Robin says there will also be local bronzed studs, and Robin will look like a whitewashed milk bottle in comparison. He says that the last time he went to the beach, three people went down with snow blindness.
After Larry leaves, Robin lifts his shirt and looks at his stomach in the mirror. Then he shrieks in horror.
Sunray: We see Larry going downstairs, whistling. Mr. Roper comes out of his flat and invites him in.
George: I'll come straight to the point, Robin.
Larry: Larry.
(Well, at least he's trying.)
He tells Larry he needs some money because he's saving up.
George: I decided to sell something and thought of you.
Larry: You can't sell me.
George says there must be something Larry is short of. Yeah, there is: money.
George offers him the wireless, but Larry already has one. The sewing machine? Larry doesn't do a lot of sewing. George says he could take it up, while listening to the wireless.
George offers him a "reading lamp," but Larry recognises it as a sunray lamp. George says it'll make Larry brown, with ultraviolent [sic] rays.
Larry: How much?
George: Oh, very brown.
When he realises Larry means the cost, he says 5 quid.
1830: This segues to Larry telling Robin the lamp would cost him 10 quid. Larry's flat contains Robin's disturbing poster with a headless woman's body hanging on a hanger, like a coat, from the first series.
Robin asks where Larry got the lamp. He says it's a family heirloom, from 1830. Robin points out that they didn't have electricity then. Larry says that's why it's in such good "nick," meaning condition in this instance, although "nick" will have a different meaning later.
Larry says that after a couple weeks of using the lamp, Robin will be golden brown all over, like a crisp with legs. Robin asks if Larry could just lend it, but Larry says no.
Robin is tempted, since he'll be all brown and sexy.
Larry: Oh, stop it. I'm beginning to fancy you.
Robin: So will all the girls.
Larry asks for his 12 quid, and someone in the audience reacts. Robin also catches the price being jacked up, so Larry apologises and goes back to 10 quid. He's still making a 100% profit of course, off his best friend.
Nice: On the middle floor, the girls are looking at the brochures. Jo says they don't have to go to Spain. They could go to France or Italy.
Chrissy: Pisa's nice but Nice is nicer.
Jo: Say that again.
Chrissy: I don't think I could.
They laugh.
Robin comes back with the lamp. He gives them fair warning that he's going to strip off.
Chrissy: Where did you get that?
Robin: No, you're supposed to say that after I've taken them [clothes] off.
Chrissy of course means the lamp.
After Robin says he got it from Larry, Chrissy says it's stolen property.
Robin: You're very hard on Larry. He's got this framed certificate on his wall, commending him for all the good work he's done for charity.
Jo: He has?
Robin: Yeah, he nicked it from a junk shop.
Robin laughs.
Chrissy wants to use the lamp on her house plants. Robin sarcastically says she should get the frozen joint out of the fridge and thaw it out on his stomach. She says that's a good idea. He says, "Bloody hell!"
Clock: Downstairs, George counts his 5 quid. He starts to head out as Mildred comes home. She asks, "George, why is it when I come in, you always go out? We're like that little man and woman in the weather clock."
She stops him from leaving and tells him to go back in their flat. She says she's been thinking and she was a bit harsh, not letting him have the money. She asks if he's saving up for something in the area of jewelry, or something chocolaty, or flower-like. He says no to all of this. She snaps, "Then you're not having it, you selfish little devil!"
Tarzan: The girls bring some plants through the kitchen and into the lounge.
Jo: Do you think they need to know it's not the real sun?
Chrissy: Well, I won't tell them if you won't.
Robin enters from his bedroom. With a colourful towel wrapped around him, he prances while singing the inevitable stripper tune. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-9F_HWel5g ) Chrissy reads a brochure, and Jo looks equally unimpressed. The audience is very amused.
Robin drops his towel and strikes a muscleman pose. Chrissy says it makes you want to kick sand in his face. Robin's suit is a bit lowcut, but maybe that was the style in the '70s, despite the modest things I'd see Archie and Reggie wear in the comic books.
Robin says, "I'm amazed at how you two girls can control that animal passion that must be seething inside you." Chrissy laughs.
He lies down on the floor. He says there are plenty of girls who'd melt at the sight of these rippling muscles. Chrissy asks who, which of course invokes the Lenny & Squiggy rule. Mrs. Roper comes in, returning sugar, but she gets very distracted by Robin. She tells him that he looks a little bit like Tarzan in the midst of all the plants.
He has Jo turn on the lamp. She asks if he wants to be rare, medium, or well done. Chrissy says that too much of it is bad for you, and asks Mrs. Roper to confirm this. Not thinking of sunlight, Mildred says, "I wouldn't know, Love."
Jo says if they had two lamps, Robin could do his back and front at the same time. With a slight American accent, Chrissy says, "That's the way they do Kentucky Fried Chicken." Laughing, Jo says he'd be finger lickin' good. Chrissy and Mildred laugh, too.
Mildred goes to get her lamp. Uh oh.
Dusty: She looks for the lamp downstairs. George returns from wherever he's been. She says her sister gave her the lamp because it was getting dusty. He asks if this is the one with the scratches off the back. When she says yes, he says he hasn't seen it.
He gets very defensive about her not trusting him. She tries to apologise, but he says he'll swear on the Bible. He mumbles though, so she says, "You don't fool God by mumbling, George."
She thinks the lamp has been stolen. Then she realises that Robin has a sunray lamp upstairs. She's shocked as it sinks in.
And we go to adverts.
There's not all that much more of the scene when we return. Mildred says she doesn't want to believe Mr. Tripp is a thief. And we go back up to the middle flat.
Rabbits: Robin wonders how his tan is coming along. Chrissy says if he were a sausage, she could stick a fork in him. (No, this doesn't count as RCST, sorry.)
He says it's boring laying here and he'd like her to make rabbits (shadow puppet rabbits) on his chest. When Jo comes in, Chrissy says, "He wants me to make rabbits on his chest!" Jo calls him a dirty devil, which is usually what people call George.
Jo says Robin has only been under the lamp for a few minutes. Chrissy says, "What do you expect, instant Harry Belafonte?"
Mildred returns and says she couldn't find her lamp. Chrissy says they'll make do with one and turn Robin round on a spit.
Mildred sees that this lamp has the same scratches as her lamp.
Robin asks Jo for something to protect his nose from peeling. She goes to get an empty corn flakes packet. (Do I have to add a "Corn Flakes" tag for these posts now?)
Robin: It's not that big!
Mildred: How long have you had it?
Robin: Ever since I was born.
Then he realises she means the lamp rather than his nose. He says he got it off Larry half an hour ago. She says, "Larry? Of course, I might've known."
Footprints: George is feeding the budgie, who doesn't get enough onscreen time to merit the "Roper's bird" tag. Mildred returns and says it's her lamp and now she knows who took it. George defensively says it's a lie. She says it was Mr. Simmonds upstairs.
George says she'll need proof, like footprints. She says she's accusing Larry of stealing the lamp, not dancing on it.
When they look out the window and see Larry coming back, George insists that it's a man's job confronting Larry. He greets Larry at the front door and yells at him so Mildred will think he's getting tough. He escorts Larry upstairs, yelling some more. She comes out of her flat and waits at the foot of the stairs.
When they get to Larry's flat, George tells him they're having nice weather for this time of year. There's a poster of a blonde girl behind them, naked to the waist. George yells that Larry can't let it happen again. Then he quietly says it was nice talking to Larry.
He goes back downstairs to his own flat. He tells Mildred that Larry broke down and confessed, in tears. She says Larry has got to go. George says they can't be too harsh. Larry is an orphan from a broken home. (It strikes me now that we don't know anything about Larry's family, unlike the rest of the people in the building. We even know more about Percy the barman.)
George: He hasn't had a lot of love.
Mildred: Neither have I, but I don't go around stealing lamps.
George says it's better to give than to receive. She points out that she didn't give the lamp, Larry nicked it.
George asks, "How do you think his poor old grey-haired mum and dad are gonna feel?" She says he just said they're dead. He says that doesn't mean they haven't got any feelings.
Mildred says she'll think it over, but right now she's going to get her lamp. He tells her that he'll get it and she can make a nice cuppa. He exits and she shakes her head.
Villa: Robin wears part of the corn flakes packet, saying "ORN," over his nose, held in place by his sunglasses. He checks on the time and then takes a break. He tells Chrissy that tomorrow he'll tan himself in a place he hasn't before. He points to a few feet over. She laughs.
She tells him the villa sleeps four and is overlooking the sea and sand. He says that's overlooking the price. She says they're splitting it so they each pay half. He says that's 200%.
Mr. Roper knocks and lets himself in. He says it's nice weather for this time of year. Chrissy says it's pouring down. He says it's nice inside.
He tells Robin, "I want to borrow your whatshisname for a bit, mainly to keep Mildred happy." The audience reacts to this innuendo. Chrissy says he'll never get it downstairs without taking the wheels off. Robin says he might bend the aerial a bit. Chrissy says then they'll never get any icecubes. George says he means the lamp.
Robin says he'll need it back later. George says that's all right because it'll have all blown over by then. He exits with the lamp.
He goes downstairs and calls to Mildred.
Sap: The lamp has been doing Chrissy's plants some good. Robin, now wearing a turtleneck but still his shorts, says, "And me." By spring he'll have blossoms under there, meaning his armpits.
As Jo enters in a black bikini, Robin says, "I can feel my sap-- rising." Chrissy, looking at the buds on the plant says, "Oh, I think one of them's starting to come out." Robin says yes.
Jo wants to sunbathe. Chrissy says Jo's suit doesn't leave much to the imagination. Jo says, "If you've got it, let the air get to it. Anyway, the one you bought shows even more." So Robin suggests that Chrissy sunbathe, too. Chrissy says she'd quite like to, if they had the lamp. Robin says he'll get the lamp.
Jo says if she keeps the top half on, she'll get white marks. Chrissy says she needs someone to rub her suntain oil in. Robin is getting nervously excited. He runs down to get the lamp. Chrissy says there was steam coming out of his ears.
"Why, Mr. Tripp?": Robin knocks but no one answers. He lets himself in and sees the lamp.
The Ropers go down the hallway, she with the tea tray. He suggests they forget the whole thing. She says young people these days seem to have no respect for other people's property.
Robin exits their flat, taking the lamp. She sadly asks, "Why, Mr. Tripp?" He says he wants it. She says it doesn't belong to Mr. Simmonds. He says it's his and goes upstairs with it.
Mildred: George!
George: Perhaps he's an orphan as well.
Wooly's: Robin plugs the lamp in again, but he's all thumbs. He strips off his turtleneck, and squeezes in between the two girls, who are sitting on the floor. Chrissy's blue bikini is actually less revealing than Jo's. He offers suntan lotion, but Chrissy says they already put it on.
Larry comes in and remarks on the "lovely pairs." Putting her sunglasses on, Chrissy says you can get 'em at Wooly's (I assume Woolworth's), for only one pound fifty.
Robin gets to his feet and says, "You've got a nose for this sort of thing," meaning finding girls in bikinis. He asks what Larry wants, but Larry has forgotten.
Larry: Can I stay and watch?
Robin: Be my guest.
Larry: You're a mate.
They shake hands and of course Robin gets suntan oil on Larry.
Mildred comes in and takes the lamp. She says, "I'm very sorry about your parents, Mr. Simmonds." Everyone is baffled. She says she can understand Larry stealing, but Robin? Larry says, "Hang on a bit," and he bought it off Mr. Roper for 5 quid. Robin says, "How much?"
Beeton and Beaten: In the last scene, George is sitting on the settee when Mildred comes home with the lamp. She says he swore on the Bible. He says it was actually Mrs. Beeton's World Cookery Book. The audience laughs a lot. (I suspect this is a made-up title, since the Victorian author is mainly known for her massively successful Mrs. Beeton's Book of Household Management.)
She thinks he needed the money for more of his mucky little magazines. He says it was the deposit for a holiday, a second honeymoon, and it was meant to be a surprise. He thought it would bring them together closer than they've been for some time. She's touched.
But the travel agency wasn't open and the betting shop was. He bet on a horse. The episode ends on her about to bean him with Mrs. Beaton.
Commentary: Lecherous as Jack and Amer-Larry are, they do live in a world where girls frequently wear bikinis, so I don't think that they'd be as stunned as Robin and Brit-Larry are. The Englishmen can hang porn on their walls, but presented with the sight of their two female friends more undressed than they've ever seen them, steam comes out of their ears. And it's not as if Chrissy and Jo have extraordinary figures. The girls are cute but I suspect you could find more amazing bodies in London.
Mildred shouldn't hit George with a heavy book, but it's understandable, more so than the fuss over the dance last episode. And I do have to wonder why George works in a betting shop (first mentioned many episodes ago), if he likes to bet. But then I never understood why Sam Malone was running Cheers if he was an alcoholic.
Other than that, not much to say. This is another of the episodes with nice writing (like the "selling Larry" bit) but not much plot. It's mainly notable for being the episode right before Robin's brother shows up and changes everything....
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