When the American producers (Nicholl, Ross, and West) wanted to adapt MatH22, they apparently decided to keep half of one of the two main plots and toss the rest. Then they borrowed most of the plot from Math31. Thus we get the odd blend that is 3'sC28. "One for the Road" aired 13 March 1975, with "How Does Your Garden Grow" over six months later, on 2 October. "Days of Beer and Weeds" was broadcast on Feb. 21, 1978, placing #3 in the ratings. "One for the Road" may be another old song reference, as in "One More for My Baby (and One More for the Road)." The other MatH title (without a question mark for some reason) is a nursery rhyme reference, as in "Mary Mary Quite Contrary." And the 3'sC title suggests the 1962 Blake Edwards movie Days of Wine and Roses. My title is the only pun that I could come up with to cover all this.
Pageants: As 3's C opens, the TV is playing a beauty pageant. Janet asks why they're watching, and Chrissy says Jack has the remote control. He says they should look at the pageant as a self-improvement course.
I don't want to go into much detail about changes between fourth and fifth series MatH (such as opening and closing credits), but I do have to note that when Larry lets himself in, his hair looks blonder, and it suits him. This is a few minutes into the episode, but I can't talk about the earlier scenes yet. Bear with me while I sort this out.
Brit-Larry expected Robin to be watching the Miss Common Market Contest. He asks, "Have you gone queer or something?" He takes the remote, which in their case has a cord. The American remote looks clunky, but still, the technology has advanced a bit in those three years, or maybe the American trio just have more modern technology. (Remember, Robin was excited about colour TV not too long ago.)
I need to omit something I'll get back to. Then Larry says, "Wait till you see Miss Rome, knockers on her like a pair of" some word I don't catch. Jo says this is typical. Chrissy says the men think of women solely as sex objects. Larry denies it and then says, "Oh, look at the brains on that!" We briefly cut away for a scene with the Ropers that I'll tell you about in a bit.
Back in the U.S., Janet asks if Jack thinks of women purely as sex objects. He says of course not. He likes intelligence, too. Then he says of Miss Soybean, "Just look at the brains on that one." Janet looks down inside her robe at her own chest, then says, "I don't see where they got a sash big enough to fit her."
When we go back to the flat, Robin, who was rolling his eyes at Larry before, is now watching as closely as his mate is. Chrissy says she's surprised they found a sash to fit Miss Rome.
The French contestant is Miss Calais. Robin says he's been there. Larry is skeptical, but Robin means the town, not the girl.
Robin: Look at the legs on that.
Jo: I didn't know they were in the Common Market.
Robin: Yes, both of them.
Both Chrissys think the pageants are degrading and they'd like to see men prancing up and down like that. Jack/Robin says, "Anything to oblige."
Robin and Larry get to their feet. Robin, using a banana as a mic, says, "Welcome to the Finals of the Male Chauvinist Pig Contest, 1975." Larry, as Mr. South Kent, walks sultrily. He unbuttons his shirt. Robin says Larry looks simply ravishing in his filthy old jeans. "Let's hope Filthy Old Jean knows he's got them on."
Since Amer-Larry isn't visiting yet, Jack has to be both host and contestant. He grabs two oranges and turns his back to us. He says, "Ladies and Ladies, welcome to the first annual Male Chauvinist Pig Contest of 1978." He turns to show us how he's put the oranges down his shirt to make perky little breasts. "And here we have the very lovely and talented Mr. Pico Boulevard." He starts to strut. "Looking absolutely stunning in his pair of filthy jeans. And we'd like to thank Filthy Jean's for lending them to him." (It's possible it's Gene, but the joke works either way.)
First is deportment. Janet says, "He ought to be deported." Then Jack does a silly walk. Larry does an Igor walk, and then Chrissy says the "deported" line.
That's all we get of the categories on 3'sC, but Robin continues with the category of sex appeal, so Larry exposes a shoulder. Robin says Mr. South Kent wants to be a chorus boy.
The American doorbell rings and Jack answers since, "Honey, I'm up." It's Mr. Roper, who says, "Going on a date?" Jack slouches so that the oranges fall.
George comes in without knocking. He asks, "It's not a bad moment, is it?" Chrissy says, "No, it's about time you found out about Larry anyway."
How Does Your Garden Grow?: MatH31 opens with the question-less title shown over the plant-filled balcony we first saw on MatH21. Then we go to the kitchen, where Robin is washing up as the girls read, Chrissy a magazine and Jo a letter.
Jo is wearing a peasant dress with stripes and flowers. She says her Uncle Arthur died. He was the liveliest one in the family. Robin says death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. (I think this line might've ended up somewhere on 3'sC. I've heard it before anyway.)
Jo's mum writes that his last wish was to buried on top of Aunt Agnes, his wife. Chrissy thinks this is sweet, till Jo tells her that Agnes isn't dead yet.
Jo is going to go to the funeral. Her uncle was 83. Chrissy says he probably saw the first episode of Crossroads. (Actually, the soap had started airing in 1964, not all that long before this episode, at least compared to some American soaps.) But Jo says he never watched television, not after he lost his false teeth. Her flatmates are afraid to ask.
Jo asks if Chrissy has anything black she can borrow. Chrissy says just a see-through nightie, and that might put the vicar "off his stroke." (I can't find a definition online, so I'm just going to assume it means something like "throw him off," and has none of the sexual connotations that the word "stroke" might suggest.)
Robin has gone to answer the door, and he brings in Mrs. Roper. She wants to borrow a cup of fertiliser. She tells them about the upcoming exhibit for her flower arranging class. She says arranging flowers is a bit like cribbage. Chrissy gives her Lawn Green.
Jo: Wasn't he on Bonanza?
Robin: No, you're thinking of Fizens' (sp?) Ever Grow. He used to play the rancher.
Mrs. Roper laughs.
After she leaves, Robin has to ask why Uncle Arthur stopped watching television. Jo says no one could understand what he was talking about (because of the lost teeth). The post office kept giving him a dog licence (as opposed to a television licence). Robin tells Chrissy, "You know, sometimes I think she's having us on." The camera cuts to Jo looking amused and mischievous.
Then there's a scene at the Ropers' that I have to omit for the moment.
Effective: After George31/Stanley walks in on the pageantry, he says that the kids can use his garden. Brit-Chrissy/Janet calls it a jungle, usable for safaris. Stanley says Helen has been nagging him about it. She's gone nuts since she started taking a flower arranging course, and she wants home-grown flowers.
When George/Stanley expects the kids to take care of the garden, they understandably balk at this. He lists various reasons, including exercise. Then George points out that they're a month behind on the rent. (Again?) Stanley asks, "Who can't afford a raise in the rent?
Brit-Chrissy/Jack: Mr. Roper, there's a word for the sort of threat you just made....Effective.
Jo thinks tomorrow's a good day to start, since she's going to the funeral. But Janet says, "Goodbye, weekend," when she hears they'll be doing it tomorrow.
George says there's a lawnmower out there somewhere. Well, there was in 1947. If they find it, "tell the bloke next door. I borrowed it off of him."
After George leaves, Brit-Larry says that the garden is one of the few places they haven't looked for Martin Bormann. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Bormann ) Continuing the WW II theme, Brit-Larry/Jack says, "There are pockets of Japanese who don't know the war is over."
Robin says it's not that bad and it won't take that long.
Strange brew: MatH22 opens in the Ropers' kitchen. Mildred is in a purple pantsuit with a blue beaded necklace. George is brewing beer.
The second scene of 3'sC28 has Stanley brewing home-made beer in the living room, as Helen works on a flower arrangement. She says he ought to be out in the garden helping the kids instead. He hopes to sell his beer to the Regal Beagle. She says, "And poison Santa Monica?"
George/Stanley says that everything has been sterilised. Mildred asks, "When were you done?" He means the equipment. Helen says, "So that's your problem." The audience applauds.
George has been using ordinary household items for his equipment, like a bucket. He says of one item, "They're the best thing for when you're straining, nappy liners. There's a joke there somewhere."
George/Stanley says that the batch from two weeks ago is ready. She thinks this is why the bottles keep exploding.
George says they put a penny on the pint at the British Legion, which I think means what they're charging extra.
On the Road: In the second scene of MatH22, we're introduced to the plotline that the American writer-producers decided to ditch entirely. Robin is asking Chrissy questions out of The Highway Code. She does well, so he puts on an American game show host voice and asks, "Now do you want to double your money? And I mean that most sincerely." Chrissy is amused.
When asked where you can't park, she gives serious answers at first, then, "Outside at Tesco's. On top of another car. Inside a bus." He says, "Bus?" She says, "Lane," meaning bus lane.
Jo asks where you can park. He says you can't park anywhere. Chrissy will have to drive round in circles till she disappears up her own exhaust pipe. It's a new scheme to cut down on traffic.
Chrissy says she'll never learn all this in ten days. Jo and Robin make fun of her. She says to Jo, "At least at the end of it, I'll be able to drive a car. All you can drive is other people. Up the wall." She angrily exits to the lounge.
Robin says Jo shouldn't take the mickey out of Chrissy, "you can't have both of us doing it."
He goes in the lounge and says that he'll have Chrissy practise her throttling. She says, "Oh, don't tempt me."
He's brought in some tins, which he sets on the floor in front of the coffee table. He explains the system: Beans = clutch. Tuna fish = brake. Chunky chicken = throttle.
He says driving is like anything else. If you don't practise, you'll forget how.
Chrissy: Why do you always have to bring sex into everythig?
Robin: Sex? Sex? What's that, sex?
Chrissy: Oh, I see what you mean.
They sit on the coffee table. Jo brings in a dust pan with a scrub brush, for the gearstick.
At about the five-minute, 40-second point of the episode, Paula Wilcox almost breaks character. She's supposed to be annoyed with Robin's directions, but she looks like she's about to laugh.
As the "examiner," Robin says, "Give us a kiss and I'll pass you," but she doesn't take him up on it. As Robin narrates their journey, Jo says he lives in a little world of his own. He tells Chrissy, "Ignore that lady at the bus stop."
Robin says Chrissy forgot the hand signal.
Chrissy: I'll give you a hand signal in a minute.
Robin: Naughty!
Effeminate: The second scene of 3'sC28 continues, with Helen calling Stanley's brewing silly nonsense. He says it's better than her stupid flower-arranging course. She says it's not stupid, it's artistic. He says it's effeminate.
The second scene of MatH31 is set in the Ropers' kitchen. He pours tea as she works on a flower arrangement. He says that this flower nonsense is a bit effeminate.
Mildred says, "Well, I'm supposed to be effeminate. Just as you're supposed to be, er, emasculate." There's no indication she realises this is an insult. But after Helen says, "Well, I'm supposed to be effeminate. Just like you're emasculate," she throws her head back and cackles.
Mildred wants something green for her arrangement. George suggests the welly (wellington boot) he referred to earlier as being lost in the garden. When Helen wants something "tall and green and prickly," Stanley says, "How about your mother?" and does his patented grin at the camera.
The American scene ends there, but George criticises the flower-arranging class some more. He asks why she doesn't learn something useful, like brick-laying or welding. She says she's trying to meet a better class of people. He says it's news agents and greengrocers, the middle-class, walking around with their poodles and blue rinses, "and the women are just as bad."
Referring to an annoying habit he's indulging in right then, she says at least they don't drink tea out of the saucer. He asks if she wants him to stick his finger out while he's doing it. He calls her a snob and says last year she was taking elocution lessons.
He thinks she's also taking this class to aggravate his hay fever. She waves flowers under his nose. He doesn't like the money she's spending on the flowers. She says she wouldn't have to buy flowers if he cleared out that jungle of theirs.
This is where we came in: The third scene of MatH31 has Jo packing as Robin reads the newspaper on the settee. Chrissy says Jo's train doesn't leave till tomorrow, but Jo says, "Enough time isn't enough time for me. I need more than enough." Robin offers her the black armband he got for Southampton.
Then we get Larry coming in. But the part I had to omit is that after Larry questions Robin's sexuality, Robin tells him that Jo's uncle just died. Chrissy says he might show a bit of sympathy.
So Larry sets down the remote and stands up. He slowly and gently tells Jo, "It's at times like this that one's heart goes out to those that are left behind, as well as those that have gone before to a better world." Then he sits back down and says the line about Miss Rome's knockers.
The Ropers' scene I had to omit after "the brains on that" has Mildred saying that it's years since George worked on the garden, three years to be exact. If he fixed it up, they could invite people in. He mocks her, saying things like, "Have another cucumber sandwich, Lady Muck." She says they could invite George's friends, since there are plenty of trees for them to swing from. She waves a plant at him and giggles when he sneezes.
Then we go back upstairs and get the Male Chauvinist Pig Contest and Mr. Roper's effective threat and all.
Silver bells and cockle shells: After Robin says that the garden isn't that bad, we cut to an outdoor shot of Robin and Chrissy looking at the jungly garden. He's wearing a T-shirt with Snoopy dancing with Lucy, which says, "Close dancing is coming back." He says they need a machete, which is Spanish for "atom bomb." Music plays as they garden.
On 3'sC, it's an obviously fake set, with huge weeds. The girls are getting "bitten to death by bugs." Jack springs up when they think they've lost him. He dropped the insect repellent and found it under a pile of bugs, "they love this stuff." Janet slaps his face to get a mosquito. He cries, "Look, a caterpillar!" and playfully shakes her by the shoulders.
Amer-Chrissy worries about rats, but Jack says they all got eaten by the snakes. Chrissy panics and "kills" a garden hose with the hedge clippers. Jack clowns with the hose. Brit-Chrissy is calmer, just asking if there are snakes in the garden, and when Robin says no, telling him "then I've chopped the garden hose in half."
There's more slapstick on 3'sC, as Jack steps on a rake and hits himself in the face, dropping to the ground. On MatH, we see an ever-growing pile of junk, like old tires. And Robin breaks off the handle of the old lawnmower. (Poor neighbour, after loaning it for 28 years.)
Robin asks, "Chrissy, I haven't just stuck this garden fork through your foot, have I?" When she says no, he collapses in pain. Jack asks, "Chrissy, did I just stick this fork through your foot?" When she says no, he pulls it out of his own foot. He puts his fist to his mouth and the girls tend to him.
Hops: In the third scene of MatH22, we see George still brewing. Stanley is doing the same in the fourth scene of 3'sC28. Mildred/Helen reminds her husband to put in the eye of newt and tongue of bat. Stanley replies, "Can you spare them?"
Mildred thinks this is like when he repaneled the bath. It reminds Helen of when he painted the bathtub last month. Mrs. Roper says he should've warned her before she got in. Mr. Roper is amused by the memory. Mildred says she was stuck to the bottom.
Stanley: You should've seen your face when you stuck to the bottom.
Helen: It wasn't my face I was worried about.
Mrs. Roper wants to see how the beer turned out. As Helen puts it, "Let's have a look at what's gonna put Budweiser out of business." Mr. Roper pours a glass with a big head, noticeably larger on the British show. In fact, George's brew overflows the glass.
Mrs. Roper refuses to drink any, Helen using the youthful slang of "no way." Mrs. Roper says it has things swimming around in it. Mr. Roper says they're hops.
Mildred: All right, they're hopping around in it.
Helen: OK, so it has little things hopping around in it.
Mildred thinks George could drink the beer and be all claws and fangs. She asks where the insurance books are. Then she says hairs are growing on the back of his hand.
When Stanley drinks, he spits out the seeds. Helen asks where he keeps his insurance policy.
George/Stanley says it tastes sort of nutty. Mildred/Helen says, "Look who made it."
Lazy devil: On Math31, George watches from his kitchen window as Robin and Chrissy garden. He calls Robin a lazy devil, dancing about on one leg when he should be working.
Mildred is working on her flower arrangement. She wants George to take a bath. He says the exhibit isn't till 2. She says time has no meaning for him, once he gets in there and starts playing with his loofa. He says he's not going, but she says that the entire course has been leading up to this exhibition.
Robin and Chrissy let themselves in. Chrissy says there's just "a little weed" to be got rid of. Mildred says, "Yes, George, go and have your bath."
Janet taps on the open door. She looks exhausted. Chrissy and Jack follow, he leaning on her and limping. They're done for today and they'll finish up tomorrow.
Have a glass: Helen says Stanley should give the kids something for all the work they did. The three of them look at him hopefully. He offers the beer. The girls pass, but Jack takes a glass.
Returning to MatH22, after the "nutty" exchange, Robin knocks and lets himself into the kitchen. He wants to borrow their car again, for an hour. George says all right and hands him a glass.
Mildred says, "He made it himself, Love." When Helen tells Jack, his mouth is full. George says he strained the beer through Mildred's tights. She says they were new ones. Stanley says he strained the beer through a pair of Helen's stockings. She complains, "My best pair."
Jack drinks some more and spits out seeds. He says the beer is a little strong but not bad. Stanley gives him two bottles.
Robin says the beer isn't bad at all. Then there's a dissolve.
George is now telling a war story. After an air raid, he saw "Winnie." Robin asks if this is the girl George met in the land army. George means Churchill, who said, "The drain's have gone then?" Shortly after that, they started the second front. Robin wonders if the two were connected, but George wouldn't say that.
Mildred brings in Chrissy. George gives Robin the car keys. He offers Chrissy a glass, but she doesn't want it when she's driving. He gives her the little tip to put a quid in your driving licence. (As we'll see later, this comes in a little booklet, sort of like a passport, rather than just the card we'd have in America.)
After Robin and Chrissy leave, bickering, George says, "Nice lad that, goes on a bit."
He says the beer is strong stuff. He puts his arm around Mildred's waist and pulls her close. "Do you fancy an early night tonight then, Mildred?" She's surprised and delighted.
Accident: In the car, Chrissy forgets the clutch, then remembers it's beans. When she says mistakes can happen, Robin says, "I know, but you don't have to give it so much help."
He has her do a reverse turn around the corner. She drives on the sidewalk. There's a man carrying a bicycle. He drops the bike and she backs over it.
Two policeman are watching and calmly drinking from a thermos. One is named Arthur. (Yes, the writers were very fond of that name.) Although there are two of them, I think only one is credited, the one with sideboards, listed as "Policeman" and played by Ken Watson, who usually went by Kenneth. From 1956 to '94, he played a lot of policemen and the like, including, as we'll see in Part Two, on "How Does Your Garden Grow." He had an earlier appearance on MatH, with "It's Only Money," but he was the bank manager rather than one of the policemen.
The victim says he just put a new bulb on his bike. Chrissy says it wasn't all their fault, he didn't signal. He says you don't have to signal when you're coming out of your own garden gate. Robin agrees with him. The man is played by Harry Littlewood, then about 54, with credits ranging from 1959 to '91, including four characters on George & Mildred and two on Robin's Nest.
Chrissy is going to move the car forward but Robin does it to prevent further damage. Then the policeman asks to see his licence. The bicycle frame is broken in two, but Chrissy points out that the bulb still works.
"There's a pound note in here, Sir." Robin says he doesn't have a wallet and it's lucky the policeman is honest.
The man tries to say that Chrissy is the one who hit the bike, but the cop is more concerned that Robin might've been drinking. He says Robin will have to take a breath test. And MatH22 breaks for adverts.
Another unwise gift: Back in the gardening plots, Brit-Chrissy wants to take some plants upstairs. George wants to charge her a quid for the lot, but Mildred won't allow that. Neither Mildred nor Chrissy knows what one plant is called. Chrissy offers it to Mildred, who says it's exactly what she needs for her flower arrangement.
Helen admires Amer-Chrissy's wildflower bouquet. She says it's exactly what she needs for her arrangement. Chrissy gives her some of it. Helen says there's going to be an arts & crafts exhibit at the school.
George comes back in because he can't find his rubber duck. Mildred says it's with his shower cap.
The Amer-trio are about to leave, the girls wishing Mrs. Roper good luck and Jack telling Mr. Roper, "Hey, thanks for the suds." Then Mr. Roper burps. His wife looks exasperated. The trio hesitate by the door.
Market: Upstairs, Robin says another sixteenth of an inch and he'd have lost his favourite toe, the little piggy that went to the market. It didn't stay home or have roast beef or anything. "It boldly went where no pig went before. To market!"
Jack, who's spraying on some kind of disinfectant, says that another millimeter to the left and he would've lost his toe. Chrissy says it's only bruised. (It's funny that Jack goes metric when Robin doesn't. But back in '78 there was a big push for the metric system in the U.S. I still fondly remember seeing a play around that time, called Take Me to Your Liter, I Want to Meter.)
Janet, who's wearing bellbottom jeans, reties her denim shirt. She's going over to her friend Marilyn's, because she promised to help her move this afternoon. (Poor Janet, not much of a relaxing weekend.) Jack asks her to pick him up a packet of assorted toes.
After Janet leaves, Chrissy says Jack is making too big a fuss. He says this is his favorite toe, the little piggy who went to market, but he doesn't make a comedy routine out of it.
Brit-Larry knocks and lets himself in. Amer-Larry knocks on the door that Janet left open. Jack observes, "You're up early. It's only noon."
Brit-Larry wants to return a packet of fags, the ones he's going to borrow. He can't return them if Robin won't lend them, but Robin won't cooperate. Since hardly anyone smokes on the American show, this Larry is worried about the five bucks he owes Jack. When Jack says Larry doesn't owe him anything, Larry says he will when Jack lends it to him. At first Jack says no way, but then he gives in because he has no resistance when his toe is dying. Larry says, "Make it ten bucks, I'll send a wreath."
Brit-Chrissy asks where Larry was while they were slaving away. He says he was there in spirit, but he's got a lazy body.
Brit-Larry looks at the very tall plant Chrissy brought up from the garden. He says it's pot, hash, cannabis, marijuana. Robin and Chrissy look at each other and then at Larry. MatH31 goes to its advert break.
Amer-Larry looks at Chrissy's bouquet and asks where she got it. She says Roper's garden, but she doesn't know what the plants are.
Amer-Larry: They're called cannabis.
Amer-Chrissy: Really? Oh, that's pretty.
He explains that it's marijuana, pot. They're shocked. And 3'sC28 goes to commercial.
To be continued....
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