Man about the House (the movie) was released on 22 December 1974, so it falls between the third and fourth series, but it feels somehow earlier, later, and parallel-universe.
Credits: Against a red background, we see unflattering drawings of the main cast, like Chrissy looking like Stockard Channing on a bad day, and Jo with horsy teeth rather than a cute overbite. Meanwhile, a drippy female singer apparently adopts Chrissy's POV, telling us, "It's not easy when he's always been a man about the house," when she has feelings for him. He's "so close to home and yet so far away," and "love was on my doorstep all the while." It's a Hammer production and so far looks like a horror of a different sort.
The drawing of row houses fades to a real shot of row houses, on Myddleton [sic] Terrace NW8.
Three's a crowd: Then the camera pans across a garishly coloured lounge, with purple wallpaper, and orange and red highlights. We hear voices offscreen and learn that Jo and perhaps her flatmates are in the bath. Jo says, "I wish you two would get out." Chrissy says there's not enough room for the three of them.
Unlike on the television programme, the kitchen is to the right of the screen, with the bathroom to the right of that. It turns out that Robin and Chrissy are sharing the mirror, with Jo by herself in the tub, with bubbles.
Chrissy goes in the kitchen. Jo tells Robin she can't get out of the bath till he goes. He's shaving but he says he'll shut his eyes.
She grabs a towel and wraps it around herself. She says they must get the lock fixed. He says that would take the suspense out of taking a bath. He dries his hands on her towel till she objects. He offers to dry her off.
He goes in the kitchen. He's annoyed that Chrissy keeps cooking eggs. It's actually Jo's turn to cook but she burnt the bacon and sausages. Chrissy points out that he likes cooking and they don't. He says it's part of the female's function to provide food. She says it wasn't the rooster who laid the eggs.
He says he's not a male chauvinist. She says she thinks he is.
Robin: What do you know about it? You're only a woman.
Chrissy: Honestly, I'd have nothing to do with men if they weren't the opposite sex.
Jo enters in a white dressing gown.
Robin says he'll take the bolt from their bedroom door and put it on the bathroom door.
The Ropers: We go outside to where Larry's pulling up in his yellow VW. He's going to give Robin and Chrissy a lift. Mrs. Roper, wearing a frilly pink nightdress, is getting the milk from the doorstep. He blows her a kiss. She, Robin, and Chrissy exchange good mornings in the entryway.
The Ropers' flat is on the left side of the screen, rather than the right. It looks different inside, too. She says, "George, those cigarettes are gonna be the death of you." One thing hasn't changed, and they bicker.
Wonderbug: It's Jo's day off, which is why Larry isn't driving her anywhere. He puts his hand on Chrissy's knee to shift into second, but it's unclear if he's being fresh or if this is just part of his bad driving. We get several shots of a sight familiar to any student of 1970s lightweight film: a VW being driven crazily down the street.
Robin says, "It's no good closing your eyes." You can do the punch line here, that he's not talking to Chrissy.
Robin suggests Larry drop them off and they'll walk. Chrissy says it's safer in the car, since he can't knock them over.
We learn that Robin has a part-time job as a chef. He says they're looking for a waiter and Larry should apply.
Larry even drives on the sidewalk!
He drops Chrissy off at Maida Vale Station, which is an Underground stop in "inner northwest London." The area has many Victorian and Edwardian houses.
Robin gets in the front seat and the men continue on their way. Robin looks worn out, so Larry says, "If I shared a flat with two birds, I wouldn't get out of bed either." Robin says the girls have put a new lock on their bedroom door, and now he can't get out of the room.
Larry drops him off at the technical college.
First priority: Robin's instructor has a bow tie and glasses. I think he's the one listed as "lecturer" in the credits, which means he's played by Aubrey Morris, who has screen appearances covering half a century, among them, Blood Beast from Outer Space (1965), If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium (1969), A Clockwork Orange (1971), Space: 1999 (1975), and two cameos on Murder She Wrote. He often plays professors and the like.
Here, Robin is his only male student. We learn that Robin lives only five minutes away but he's always late. The lecturer asks him the first priority of the kitchen. Robin says it must remain spotless.
Daffodil: As Robin continues in voiceover, we switch to a very messy kitchen, with an equally filthy chef. The chef is unnamed but the actor Bill Maynard has credits ranging from 1957 to 2003, mostly notably as "Selwyn Froggitt" on two separate programmes, although my favourite credit of his is "Guy Fawkes" in Carry on Henry VIII. When Robin tries to talk hygiene, the chef says you can't "tart about when you have to prepare 60 meals a day. I can't hardly pick my nose as it is." ("Tart about" just means to mess around in a non-sexual way. "Screw around" in its platonic sense would be an American equivalent.)
The chef is cooking as he smokes.
Larry comes in as a waiter and gives an order verbally to the chef. The chef makes chocolate ice cream out of vanilla by saying Abracadabra and then suggesting they cover it in curry powder.
While the chef is out of the room, Robin asks Larry, "How can anyone create classical cuisine in here?"
When the chef comes back, he tells them about Daffodil having her bottom scraped. But Daffodil is a boat he worked on. He took two nurses on it because they fancied a bit of the rough. You have to be subtle with nurses, so he had them play strip poker.
Robin suggests garlic salt in the batter. The chef asks if he's a poof.
Spiros: Chrissy is sitting upstairs on a double-decker. Robin comes up and sits next to her. He talks about work a bit. They pass an "Acquired by Spiros" sign and she speaks out against developers. He keeps hinting about cards.
Then we switch to their street, where there's a surveyor, and a man looking at a map. This man is much later revealed to be Morris Pluthero, and he's played by Peter Cellier. His first screen appearance was back in 1955 and he's still working today, at the age of 82 or 83. So of course he did Dr. Who, in 1982.
As Robin and Chrissy walk along, he says he's not going on about cards. But he's pleased to hear she bought new underwear. Pluthero bids them good afternoon but they don't know who he is yet.
Duty: At the Ropers', he's looking at a letter with an embossed letterhead, from Spiros. She doesn't want to sell their house but he does. They could get full market value.
She says that's always been his trouble, greed. She talks about their wedding reception, showing him a picture of their wedding day. It was time to cut the cake, and he was "round the boozer, collecting the empties." (This is "boozer" in the sense of the bar, rather than a person.)
He says he did his duty on their honeymoon. She scoffs.
He was recently talking to Hazel, the blonde next door, the one with the poodle. Everyone on the block got letters. Mildred is jealous, but George says he only knows her because "she nipped me once or twice in the ankle." Insert line about meaning the poodle, not Hazel.
Mildred is going to phone around. She thinks it's time they had a meeting of the Residents Association.
We're just following ancient history: Robin and Chrissy are watching the telly, what turns out to be a wolfman movie. Robin snuggles up against her.
Chrissy: Look, I haven't time to mess about. Are you after my body?
Robin: Of course.
Chrissy: Sorry. It's already booked to do the washing up.
Soft music plays as he pours himself a drink and smokes while she's out of the room. He sets down his cigarette and drink. He gets a deck of cards.
He puts on a Snoopy jumper and then a blue jacket. He goes in the kitchen and asks where Jo is. Chrissy says Jo is in the bathroom.
He goes right in without knocking.
Jo: I might've been stark naked.
Robin: Not with my luck.
He says he and Chrissy are going to play strip poker.
Robin: We need a third but she said you're too prudish.
Jo: What?
Then he returns to the kitchen and tells Chrissy that he and Jo are going to play strip poker.
Robin: She says you won't play because you're too prudish.
Chrissy: She's right.
Robin: She is?
Disappointed, he goes back to the lounge. Then Jo comes into the kitchen, and the girls figure out the trick he was trying to play on them.
They clear off the kitchen table as he takes off the blue jacket and starts to take off Snoopy. Chrissy yells, "We're ready when you are." He quickly puts those clothes back on and goes into the kitchen.
He asks how you play strip poker. Jo says she supposes you play with clothes instead of money.
Chrissy: Should I, whatchamacallit, hand the cards out?
Robin: (smiling) Yes, deal, that's the word.
Then she shuffles like a pro. It turns out her dad taught her to play poker.
Jo passes and then goes out. A sock turns out to equal half a tight. He bids another sock, so she bids a skirt. He says, "I'll raise your skirt with my trousers."
Arthur Mulgrove: Downstairs, the wolfman movie ends.
Mildred: You know, George? That wolfman was the spitting image of an army sergeant I used to go around with.
George: What? All hairy and that?
Mildred: No, when he was normal.
The sergeant's name was Arthur Mulgrove. She nearly married him, but he didn't ask her. George says he sounds like a sensible sort of fellow.
She says that when the Wolfman ripped the blouse off the helpless maiden, it sent shivers right down her spine. That these were pleasant shivers is clear when she asks seductively, "Coming to bed, George?" But he's going to make a sandwich and then tell the trio about the meeting tomorrow night.
After he leaves the room, she says, "Arthur Mulgrove," and shivers happily.
Pairs: Back upstairs, Robin, who's now topless, says that Chrissy's father must've been a bloody good poker player.
He opens with his underpants. Jo says he hasn't much choice. Chrissy bids a shoe. When he says this is too low, she bets two shoes. Jo goes out, as she's apparently done every time.
Robin wants to put on one piece of his discarded clothing, but Chrissy won't let him. She has a full house, 10s and 2s. He has four jacks. She takes off her platforms. He thinks his luck has changed now.
Jo passes. Robin again opens with his underpants. Chrissy bets a blouse. Jo goes out.
Robin: Well, I've got a pair.
Chrissy: Let's have a look at them then.
Robin: What do you mean?
Chrissy: I've got a pair, too.
He's got two queens but she's got two aces. Jo wants him to pay up. Chrissy says, "It's of no interest to me. I was brought up on a farm." Jo giggles as she says, "I've never seen anyone blush over such a large area."
Robin takes his underpants off and sets them on the table with the other clothes.
The doorbell rings. The girls smile and want him to answer it. He's says he's starkers.
Jo: I won't look.
Chrissy: I will! He would've done if it was one of us.
Jo: You're right. I will look.
He hands Chrissy the deck of cards. Then he yanks the tablecloth off the table and wears it wrapped around his lower half. Spanish music plays and he says, "Olé!"
After he leaves the room, Jo says he cheated. Chrissy says he's not the only one, and she reveals that the deck contains five black aces.
In the hallway, Mr. Roper is surprised to see Robin in a tablecloth. Robin says the curtain is at the dry cleaner's. Mr. Roper tells him about the Residents Association meeting.
The Meeting: Then we get one of the longest scenes in the movie, with more of the cast gathered in one spot than at any other point. I'll note that two of the residents, Miss Bird and Hazel, are there, the latter with her poodle, but I won't talk about them until they have lines. Also, I'll break this scene up into parts for easier digestion.
We're in a pub, but it's not the Mucky Duck or the White Swan. Mrs. Roper is sitting at a rectangular table on one side of the room. She has outdone herself sartorially, wearing a leopard coat over her red & white outfit. She says they need volunteers.
Robin stands up, but he volunteers Chrissy. They're both wearing lots of denim.
Larry's landlord, Mr. Gideon, is there, not played by John Carlin but by Michael Ward. Mr. Ward was then 65, with credits going back to 1947. He actually did a Jack Benny episode, but his roles were mostly in British movies, many with fantastic titles, such as Maniacs on Wheels, High Jinks in Society, The Galloping Major, Whispering Smith Investigates, Finger of Guilt, Carry on Regardless, Ouch!, and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell. That last movie is of particular note, one, because it was the last Hammer Frankenstein movie, and two, he plays "Transvest." In this, his other 1974 film, he plays Mr. Gideon as much more overtly gay than the television version.
He says the natural leaders need to step forward. His boyfriend, Nigel, stands up but Mr. Gideon means himself. Nigel is played by Melvyn Hayes, then 39, although the character seems to be meant to be in his 20s. Mr. Hayes's first credit is from 1954 and he's still working to this day, mostly on television. He did a Hammer Frankenstein movie, too, playing "Young Victor" in 1957's The Curse of Frankenstein, with Peter Cushing as the older Victor. He also played "bad boys" in adaptations of classic literature, such as Dan in Jo's Boys (1959) and the Artful Dodger in a 1962 version of Oliver Twist. He probably looked younger than his age for a long time.
Mrs. Roper wants Chrissy to start them all off. So Chrissy puts Robin on the spot, but he stammers.
Chrissy: What you're trying to say is this community can not survive, unless we all join together and fight this scheme.
Robin: Yes.
Chrissy: And we ought to do something positive.
Robin: Oh, absolutely.
Chrissy: Like what?
Robin: Eh? Well, like, erm.
Chrissy: Perhaps you think we ought to organise a petition to our MP.
Robin: Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking of.
The towels go off the bar, which I thinks means that it's now late enough to serve alcohol. (Remember how in No Children, No Dogs it was supposed to be too late to serve it?) The meeting understandably breaks up. Mrs. Roper says, "So much for community spirit." We go to a dissolve.
The Greeks had a word for it: When we return, Mr. Pluthero is buying drinks for the gay couple. Mr. Gideon gets an ouzo & soda, while Nigel gets Retsina with a cherry.
Chrissy says they need a carefully worded petition about houses being pulled down for office blocks. "You can do anything in London except live. London needs houses, not great concrete blocks." Robin goes to the bar to get her a tomato juice, Jo a lager.
George doesn't see the point of a petition. Mildred reiterates that no one is going to sell their houses.
Mr. Gideon talks about a little bar near the Acropolis. Nigel says, "He's bonkers about the Ancient Greeks." Mr. Pluthero says it was a marvelous civilisation, where the friendship of an older man for a lad was not misunderstood.
Mr. Gideon thinks Nigel looks like Apollo. If you put Michelangelo's Apollo on a motorbike, that would be Nigel to a tee. Mr. Pluthero asks Nigel is he likes the bouzouki (a Greek lute). Nigel says, "Nah, I prefer the Yamaha Superbike."
Mr. Pluthero says property is so cheap in Greece, hinting at what they could buy if they sold their house. Then he says they don't want to spoil the social evening by talking about business.
Blind: The Ropers and the trio are now sitting at a table, as Mr. Roper tells war stories. He says that Hitler did his best trying to knock these houses down during the war. Those were good days then, because a man had to do his duty. His wife says that "duty" is one of his favourite words. He was an ARP (Air Raid Precautions) warden then.
Robin excuses himself to go talk with Larry. It's been two months for Larry and he's going to go blind. Any guesses on what he's talking about, wink wink? He's been thinking about asking Jo if she fancies coming for a drive.
Mr. Roper says they used to put stuff in the tea, to keep their minds on the job, probably talking about saltpetre. His wife says, "Off the job, George."
Jo excuses herself from the table. Mr. Roper asks Chrissy if she remembers ration books, but she of course doesn't.
Jo goes over to Robin and Larry. The latter asks her if she has any plans for the rest of the evening.
Mr. Roper is now talking about the food during the war. He says they used to get a bit of meat about that long, showing with his hands. His wife says, "That's what I used to get, George."
Chrissy excuses herself from the table. Mildred says, "Well, George, I think that's a new record. You bored three people in two minutes."
Larry is telling Jo, "Just for a drive, mind you. Fresh air." He puts his arm around her when they walk away from Robin and Chrissy.
Robin tells Chrissy that this gives the two of them a chance to go back to the flat and get it together. He claims he's talking about the petition.
This puts us roughly one-third into the movie, 29 minutes of the 85. To be continued....
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