Well, I can see why they didn't Americanize MatH23. Although "All in the Game" includes both the return of Jerry and an impressive array of suggestive comments, it doesn't really go anywhere.
Darts: As the episode opens, Chrissy and Jo are playing darts, with Mr. Roper's face in the centre, the board on Robin's door. Jo is losing but she doesn't mind because "if you're good at darts, men think you're a lesbian." Chrissy calls her the world's first female chauvinist pig and tells her you can be feminine without pretending to be daft. Jo says she's not pretending.
When Jo says she can have an intellectual discussion, Chrissy asks, "Do you think the liquidity of the Eurodollar will be affected by the inflation of commodity prices?"
Jo accidentally hits Robin's guitar, "nearly severing his g-string." He calls her daft, so she says, "As a matter of fact, I don't think the liquidity of the Eurodollar will be affected by the inflation of commodity prices." After she leaves the room, Robin asks, "What's that got to do with the dart in my guitar?" Chissy says, "Oh, she's just proving she isn't a lesbian."
He gives Chrissy dart lessons, his hands on her hips. He compliments her perfume. She tells him to not sniff it all in, since it's expensive.
Board game: We visit the Ropers, and he wants to play a board game called Escape. She tells him to play with himself. He says that isn't as much fun. She says he was doing it last night. He says he lost.
Jerry knocks and Mildred answers. In the first of several references to rain this episode (most of which I'm going to omit because they have no real impact on the plot), he says something like the angels must've been on a bender last night because it's really pissing down, although not in those exact words. (His accent is one of the ones I can't always interpret.) Mildred tells George his crude friend is here.
When George invites Jerry to play a game with Mildred as a S.S. prison guard, he thinks George is talking about something kinky. She exclaims, "It's a board game! You know, you all sit around and get bored."
Target: Back upstairs, Robin says Chrissy is getting much nearer the target. She says, "So are you, move your hand."
The three of them are going down to the pub to meet Jo's boyfriend, but first Robin gives another darts lesson, without touching Chrissy. He says you need to be lightly balanced on the balls of your feet. "I'm not balanced on my heels. I'm balanced on my-- I'm lightly balanced."
He says you have to keep your wrist loose. Jo says that the fellow down at the hairdresser's would make a fantastic darts player then. This proves Chrissy's point. "If he's good at it, how can you say it's not feminine?"
Robin throws terribly, then blames it on there being no feathers on the dart.
Someone knocks and Chrissy answers. It's George and Jerry, so Robin and Jo hide the dartboard behind a chair cushion. Jo says Jerry is the odd-job man. Jerry lists off a bunch of more prestigious titles. Then George says Jerry came to do some odd jobs in the flat.
The trio leave, telling the two older men to help themselves. So George pours booze for Jerry and himself. They talk about how good young people have it. They didn't have to grow up without the benefit of bananas. George says he didn't see a banana till he was 12. He tried to eat it with the skin on and it shot out the end. The cat got it. (In "Carry Me Back to Southampton," George claimed he didn't see an orange till he was 25, which sounds even worse.)
Jerry, whom presumably should know, asks if George had any kids. George says they decided they didn't want any, after they didn't have any. This is the first time it's come up on the show proper, although it was briefly mentioned in the movie. Jerry says, "We just had the one girl." It wasn't practical to have more after the missus ran off. Jerry has raised his daughter with a firm hand, right round the earhole.
Speaking of holes, they find some on the door to Robin's room. Jerry says it's wormwood and it also attacked the lino.
Colin and Vera: At the pub, Jo's date, Colin, is already sitting at the table as the trio come in. Robin says of the rain, you can't rely on anything if the the forecast is accurate. While Robin gets the drinks, Chrissy finds out that Colin is a policeman, which she suspected when he said, "Hello, hello, hello," to the three of them. He's played by Hessel Saks, who has only three other credits, none of them particularly notable. Even this role isn't much to talk about, although it does continue the idea from "It's Only Money" that Jo fancies policemen.
When Robin calls the barman Jock, the barman says his name is Percival. Robin says everyone calls Scotsmen Jock. Percival says, "Not if their surname happens to be Strap."
By the way, there's a white swan sculpture on the bar, proving the name of the place.
Larry introduces Robin to his date, a sort of plain redhead named Vera. Robin asks, "Larry, where do you find them?" Larry says she works in a builder's yard. He went for a set of doorknobs and came out with her. She's played by Jo Garrity, who has almost as few credits as Mr. Saks. Oddly enough, she played "girl with beautiful eyes" in a documentary called Horizon a couple years before this episode.
Jo explains to Chrissy how she and Colin met. She was on a double yellow line, but luckily not while in a car. He says he wanted her to assist him in his inquiries, like what she was doing Saturday night.
Robin comes over and wants to show them how he gets jackpots using a washer in the machine. (This recalls him tipping one of the doormen in the movie.) Chrissy tries to signal to him that Colin is a policeman, but he doesn't understand. Then Colin says they have a machine like that in the police canteen, but they use a cardboard Smarties label. Chrissy starts to say that they must try that, then stops herself. Colin calls Robin and Chrissy Bonnie & Clyde, then he and Jo leave.
40 quid total: Back at the flat, George says it looks like a perfectly healthy floorboard, but Jerry says that if it gets to the joists, all the trio's furniture will crash into George's living room. Jerry calls George a silly nurk, apparently an insult that Spike Milligan used on the show Porridge. Jerry says he has some wood preserver, which he insists isn't nicked (stolen).
Jerry does the maths on Robin's door: 12 tins at 90 p/tin, less 10% discount, plus 8% VAT = 480. Plus labour, 75 times 6 over 9/10, take away the inside leg measurement = 40 quid total.
George goes to ask Mildred what his decision is. After he leaves, Jerry says, "You'll always be a tick, George." Jerry sits in the chair and finds the dartboard. He realises what happened and laughs.
George returns with Mildred, who's very skeptical. Jerry doesn't tell them what he found out. Instead he says he'll cut his throat and come down to 35. She suggests he cut his head off and come down to 30. He says he's pretty busy at the moment, so will this afternoon be all right?
Riddled with woodworm: Vera and Larry join Robin and Chrissy at the table. Vera says she always really wanted to be an air hostess, or one of Pan's People. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pan's_People ) Robin rolls his eyes. Still, Vera says you meet interesting people at a builder's yard. Chrissy agrees, "Gary Glitter might come in for a brick." (Of course, back on "And Then There Were Two," Sheila being a Gary Glitter fan was a turn-off for Larry.)
The Ropers come in and join them. Mrs. Roper says she has a bit of bad news. George laughs and says, "You're riddled with woodworm, Son." Robin didn't think it showed.
They can't sleep in their flat because of the fumes. Robin starts to say they could stay at Larry's, but Larry has plans with Vera.
Mrs. Roper invites the trio to stay with them. Mr. Roper says they have only one double bed. Borderline flirting with Robin, she says they'll all squeeze in somehow.
And we go to an advert.
Israeli: When we return to the flat, the dust cloths are all over. Robin and Chrissy are taking down bedding and a small plant. Jerry has a young assistant named Tom. (Yes, that joke is coming, but wait for it.) Tom is played by Ian Sharp, who previously worked for Jerry as a removal man on "We Shall Not Be Moved." Jerry tells Robin and Chrissy, "As soon as Tom and me leave, the smell should start to clear."
Jerry claims to be using the finest wood preserver in the world, made in Israel.
Chrissy: What if our woodworms aren't Jewish?
Jerry: What's the difference?
Robin: I mean, not very much. I'd need a microscope to point it out.
We get a close-up of the "wood preserver" label in Hebrew. Jerry "reads" it with words like bar mitzvah, shalom, bagel, kosher, and oy vey.
As soon as Robin and Chrissy leave, Jerry goes under the dust cloth over the bar, for a quick one. Chrissy comes back to ask him to tell Jo they're downstairs. She doesn't question why the odd-job man is playing ghost.
A bit you know: George still doesn't want the kids to sleep over. He thinks a few poisonous fumes never harmed anyone, and they could always loan them gas masks. In contrast, Mildred warmly welcomes Robin and Chrissy, especially the former. She tells him, "You'll be in my bed, Dear. Er, with George of course." Mildred will be on the settee, and the girls on camp beds in the lounge.
George asks Robin if he has any bad habits. Robin says just kung fu dreams, making perhaps the dozenth reference to kung fu on the show.
In the hallway, George tells Mildred that he's worried Robin might be a bit, you know. She cruelly asks, "Even if he was, which he isn't, who'd fancy you?"
In the Ropers' flat, Robin is worried that Mr. Roper might mistake him for Mrs. Roper in the middle of the night. Chrissy says, "That would be tough luck, the one night of the year he's in the mood, and it's you," and she laughs. He says you never know. She tells him that if it happens, "Don't mention it to Mrs. Roper, she'd never forgive you."
The Ropers return. She says this is like the wartime spirit. So he suggests the kids sleep in a Tube station.
Mildred is glad she's not sleeping with George's icy feet for a change. He says she's got an unnaturally hot back.
She wants him to entertain their guests. So he asks if they've taken their summer holidays yet. Chrissy says she's waiting till winter is over. (As it happens, this episode aired 20 March, right at the end of winter.)
George wants their guests to play Escape, and they look like they want to escape.
Mask: Upstairs, Tom is doing the spraying of the wood preserver, but Jerry wears the mask. He's still drinking, so he gets alchohol on the mask
We go back downstairs, where George is losing against Chrissy. He gets a disguise as a young German girl, but it backfires, so Robin says a line as a young German girl.
Larry and Vera enter the building. She says the movie they saw had lots of nude women, and she thought vampires always go for the throat. Leering, Larry says, "Some do, some don't." The movie sounds too racy for Hammer horror, but you never know.
He asks if she fancies a quick drink. She says she shouldn't really, but she heads upstairs.
Supervise: Tom says all Jerry has done is watch while he works, but Jerry says he's supervising. Larry knocks and comes in. He's borrowing, er, borrowing back the Scotch. Jerry hands him the almost empty bottle and says it evaporated.
Larry is also borrowing records. He wants something smooth and sexy. Jerry says, "Got a bit of fluff lined up, have you?" Larry says the girl is right on the boil. Jerry encourages him.
Then Vera comes in and says, "Hello, Dad." She decides to head home. Jerry glares at Larry.
Downstairs, George tries to parachute from an escape tunnel. Robin points out you can't throw 13 with two dice. Then George gets shot in both legs and will miss three turns.
Toerag: Back upstairs, Jerry calls Larry a "dirty little toerag, sniffing round my Vera like that." He says he would've swiped Larry one if Tom hadn't held him back. Tom says he didn't, but Jerry says he knew Tom would've so he didn't.
Jo and Colin come in. Tom makes the introductions, "Tom. And Jerry." Jo says, "You don't look like them." (Not really worth the wait, was it?)
Colin asks Jerry if he has the receipt for the wood finisher. From Jerry's face, it looks doubtful.
Good loser: Mildred has surrounded George in all directions, but he won't surrender. Chrissy says it's only a game, not real life. Mildred says he loses at that, too.
George knocks over the board.
Robin: Nothing like a good loser.
Chrissy: No, he isn't.
There's a knock. Jerry says he's going down to the police station to help this gentleman with his inquiries. Colin says the container was nicked from a local warehouse last week. It's not even wood preserver. It's anti-freeze. Robin says they'll have no trouble starting up the floorboards in the morning. It's unclear if they ever find out that they didn't even have wormwood.
Commentary: In the very funny 3'sC episode "Strange Bedfellows," from season two, Jack and Mr. Roper wake up in bed together after a wild party. It's completely innocent but homophobic Stanley is scared. Here, both Robin and George worry about sharing a bed, but they don't. The whole episode is strung together with set-ups that never get fulfilled. That's our pay-off, Jerry being carted off to gaol by Jo's date? Larry not getting laid because his date is Jerry's daughter? Even the RCST doesn't build.
So here's a list of the innuendos I caught (not counting the use of the word "lesbian," since that's pretty direct):
1. Robin's G-string
2. George playing with himself
3. Mildred as a S.S. prison guard
4. Robin's target
5. Robin's balls
6. Jock Strap
7. Larry looking for a knob and finding Vera
8. Jewish woodworms with microscopic differences from Gentile woodworms
9. Movie vampires going for somewhere other than the throat
Notice that most of it happens in the first half of the episode. It's like there were different writers for each half, and they quarreled, or the second writer got bored and just wrote filler.
But I won't despair, because the next episode is one that inspired a 3'sC episode chockful of misunderstandings, and I'm looking forward to finally seeing the original again....
Monday, May 23, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
This Bud's for You, Part Two
Joints: On 3'sC31, the scene opens on the plant and then the camera pans down to the people. Robin asks if Larry's sure. Larry says something about a bloke who possessed one of these and got a 150 quid fine. Both Chrissys say they didn't know a cannabis/marijuana plant would look like this. Both Larrys ask what the Chrissys expected, "clusters of ready-rolled joints?"
Robin thinks the plant is from the squatters in #12. They grow their own food. And the seeds could've blown over to Mr. Roper's garden. Jack doesn't blame anyone in particular. He says the wind could've blown the seeds from anywhere, or birds could've carried them.
The Larrys say to stick to that story. Brit-Larry says it'll put a bit of doubt in the jury's mind. Amer-Larry says, "I'm sure any jury in the world would believe you." Brit-Larry says it's nothing to do with him. He plans to say, "I don't know either of them, Inspector." Then he leaves. Amer-Larry says that this could mean a year in jail. He plans to say, "Officer, I never saw these people before in my life. Thank you and goodnight." Then he salutes.
Robin says they'll burn it outside, in a bonfire. Chrissy says then half the neighbourhood will get stoned. On 3'sC, these lines are reversed between Chrissy and Jack. Robin suggests flushing it down the loo, but Chrissy says that blocks up if you tap your ash into it. These lines are omitted on 3'sC. Both Chrissys suggest burying the cannabis in the garden, but Robin says next year a whole crop will come up. On 3'sC, the line goes to Larry, with the addition, after a pause, of "Call me." Then he leaves. Jack calls after him, "Thanks for your help, Larry."
Brit-Chrissy suggests slinging the plant in the dustbin. Robin thinks the dustmen might recognise it. He thinks she should put it on the balcony. The cat next door will pee on it. That's how she loses half her plants. (This first came up on MatH21.) Jack is less explicit when he suggests the balcony, saying they can "get the cat next door to come visit it. Well, that's how you lost your fern."
The Chrissys think they should ask the police for advice. Robin says that idea is sensible, logical, "and I don't like it." Jack protests, "No way! No police!" and swigs some of Roper's beer.
Plant: So of course the next scene is set in a police station. Robin and Chrissy bring in the plant wrapped in brown paper. Jack and Chrissy arrive on their bikes, without the plant.
Brit-Chrissy says that when she was a kid, she was told that policemen are our friends. Robin says, "Listen, when you were a kid, they were."
Jack says he feels funny.
Chrissy: That's because you've been drinking all that beer.
Jack: No, coming here is a big mistake.
Chrissy: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Jack: I was afraid of that.
The desk sergeant tells them they shouldn't bring their bikes in here. Chrissy exclaims, "We can't leave them in front of the police station! They'll get stolen!"
As I mentioned earlier, the British desk sergeant is played by Ken Watson. The American is played by David Tress, who'd return to 3'sC a couple years later as "Virgil." It looks like he mostly did dramas, although he did appear on an early Seinfeld episode.
Robin: My name is--
Chrissy: He doesn't need to know that!
Robin: You don't need to know that.
Chrissy: Not yet anyway.
Robin: Not yet anyway.
Jack: My name is--
Chrissy: You don't have to tell him your name.
Jack: That's true, I don't have to tell you my name.
Chrissy: (amused) Not yet anyway.
Jack: Not yet anyway.
Robin says he's asking a question on behalf of a friend. Jack says he just dropped in to ask a few questions on behalf of a friend, "you don't know him."
Amer-Sergeant: I don't know you either!
Amer-Chrissy: Oh, you'd like him if you did. He's very honest, loyal, sincere.
Robin wonders, if someone committed an offence without meaning to, would he still be guilty? Jack wonders what would happen if his friend accidentally committed an offense. Amer-Chrissy "explains," "What he means is, if his friend was innocent, would he still be guilty?"
Amer-Sergeant: Of what?
Amer-Chrissy: Of what he didn't do.
The Brit-sergeant wants to know what sort of offence. Robin names various offences, including possession of drugs, which gets the sergeant's attention. Chrissy says it could've been overdue library books.
Jack thinks they should go, but the Amer-sergeant says that Jack said offense. "What kind of offense?" Jack hesitates, then names various things, mumbling "possession of drugs."
Amer-Sergeant: Drugs?
Amer-Chrissy: He didn't say drugs!
Amer-Sergeant: (coming out from behind the very high desk) What kind of drugs? And what did you mean by possession?
Robin/Jack says it's a plant. The sergeants exclaim, "Someone's planted drugs on you?"
Brit-Sergeant: Son, as far as I'm concerned, you and your friend can park your car, you can fill it full of overdue library books, you can flash the faulty headlights on and off until you're blue in the face.
Robin: Thank you very much.
Brit-Sergeant: It's harmless. But when it comes to drugs, that's a different matter.
The Amer-sergeant says that possession of drugs is a very serious crime. He puts his arm paternally on Jack's shoulder and asks what this is all about. Jack stutters on the word "hypothetical," so the sergeant thinks he means hypodermic. Jack stutters more then tries to leave.
Robin and Chrissy sneak out while the sergeant is getting the form for a statement. Jack won't get away so easily.
Fill this: The Amer-sergeant asks, "Are you riding those bicycles to your home?" Jack says, "Just the one," and chuckles. Then he babbles. The sergeant asks if Jack has been drinking.
Jack: Who, me? (He hiccoughs.) No!
Chrissy: (cheerfully) Just some home-made beer.
The sergeant says it's against the law to ride a bicycle while under the influence. He'd like Jack to take a breath test. He goes back behind the desk. Jack says, "No, Officer, I can breathe just fine!" He pants like a dog.
Meanwhile, Robin22 is taking the breath test again, this time at the police station. The results are the same as the first. The police sergeant says Robin is well over. He's played by Alister Williamson, who worked from 1959 to '86, often as a policeman. The sergeant says they'll need a sample. He takes out a urine bottle and asks, "Can you fill this?" Robin says, "Well, not from here, no."
The Amer-sergeant says, "Don't want to take the breath test, eh? Fine, Sir." He holds up the urine bottle. "Can you fill this?" Jack says, "Not from here." The gag is exaggerated because of the distance between Jack and the high desk. The audience laughs and applauds.
Robin says he's just been. The sergeant says he'll have to go again. Robin doesn't think he has any left. The sergeant suggests a blood sample, but Robin doesn't want that. He suggests they turn on the water tap to inspire him. The sergeant can't do that, but he says it helps to whistle. Robin wonders if it has to be anything in particular.
While Robin's in the next room, the sergeant explains to Chrissy about the summons. Robin whistles a tune I don't recognise. He comes in soon after. He needs another bottle because he dropped the first one.
3'sC keeps it simpler and cleaner. The sergeant comes down from the desk again, hands Jack the bottle, and points to the next room, saying, "In there!"
Dustmen: Since Robin and Chrissy escaped on MatH31, they're now walking down their street with the plant. They see the rubbish lorry. Chrissy wants Robin to sling the plant in the lorry. He has to first ask the dustmen questions. Do they know anything about botany? The second dustman knows philosophy. There's an extreme close-up of Chrissy looking approving as Robin slings the plant in.
The first dustman is played by John Lyons, who was then about 32 and is still working today, with 39 episodes of A Touch of Frost from 1992 to 2010. The second dustman is Mike Savage, also 32 at the time, and he did one episode of A Touch of Frost, as well as another episode of MatH in '76, plus a bunch of other roles, often as a policeman or detective.
Outside their flat, Chrissy tells Robin, "I don't know about policemen, but I think our dustmen are wonderful."
Duck: In the next scene on MatH22, Robin is in his dressing gown. He could fight the summons and get the backing of the AA, RAC (Royal Automobile Club), and something Taylor. Jo points out he's guilty. He says that's the weak part of his argument.
She thinks he should plead "guilty but not much." Her Uncle Albert did, for "interfering with a duck on a public highway." (For those keeping track, this makes at least three uncles for Jo, although Uncle Arthur sounds like he was old enough to more likely be a great-uncle.)
Jo: He was remanded for medical reports. Uncle Albert, not the duck.
Robin: Funny lot, your family.
Jo: Mm hm. I'm the only normal one.
Robin says he didn't do anything. She says, "Neither did he. Ducks can move very quickly when they want to."
Robin says he didn't drive very far, probably not even a yard. He doubts the wheels turned a full circle.
He's due in court at 12. Chrissy is amused as she says, "Oh, high noon."
Robin: One little mistake and I'm suspended.
Jo: They hang you?
It's Chrissy's day off and she's going to be taking her driving test, which means that ten days have elapsed. (The "gardening" episodes cover only a couple days.) Jo forgot Chrissy wasn't going into work, and now Jo is really late. She says that it's ten minutes, but if it was the two of them, it would only be five minutes each. She tells Robin, "See you in court," presumably going on her lunch hour.
Mr. Roper is just about to knock when she's coming through the door, so she tells him, "Oh, you don't have to now 'cause it's open." He goes in.
He has a couple little tips. Chrissy is skeptical, because of the pound-in-the-driving-licence tip. He admits he slipped up there. He didn't allow for inflation, and it should've been a fiver. He asks Chrissy for coffee. She goes to the kitchen to get it. He tells Robin, "I had to get rid of her in that subtle manner."
George asks Robin if there's any chance he's a Buffalo, since most magistrates are. He demonstrates the Buffalo sign for help and assistance, which in part is thumbing the nose. It's unclear if George belongs to that lodge or this is just something he picked up somewhere.
Chrissy comes back with the coffee, but George tells her no thanks, he prefers tea in the morning.
He asks Robin if he's going to wear a suit. Robin says no, he'll go stark naked. "That's how we Freemasons recognise each other."
Mrs. Roper lets herself in. She's very flirty with her husband about the bacon. She asks if he fancies any of his beer. He says she's got him drinking it all hours of the day. She says it was just a thought.
The Ropers are going to watch Robin's case, too. Mildred says it'll give her a chance to wear her new hat. George plans to bring chocolates. Robin cries, "Chocolates?!? No one's taking this seriously!"
Headmaster: The next scene is set in the hallway of the courthouse. A dreary-looking woman named Mrs. McDonald is called in. (She's uncredited, as is the smiling vicar coming up.) Robin says this is just like being brought up in front of the headmaster in school. Jo says that was six strokes versus the six months he might face now. (These strokes are from paddling or spanking, as opposed to being put off your stroke.)
Robin whistles, and Chrissy, amused, says, "Careful, you'll wet yourself."
The smiling vicar is reading Kung Fu magazine.
Robin: What do you think he's here for?
Chrissy: God knows. (She chuckles.)
Robin refers to the "ratty little policeman," so of course Ken Watson appears.
In the courtroom the mousy woman is accused of having 23 tins of baked beans (clutch) about her person, plus corn flakes. The magistrate says there's too much shoplifting. He's going to be "lenient" though, and give her three months without the option. George, watching from the gallery, says this is better than the telly. Mildred is wearing a red hat to match her red & white outfit.
The magistrate is played by Erik Chitty, who died two years later, at the age of 70. He did TV-movies in the 1930s! He worked steadily till the end, including 55 episodes of Please Sir! as Mr. Smith.
Ken-cop says that it'll be another half hour for Robin, since they always run late. He offers a sweet. Robin says, "The condemned man ate a hearty toffee."
All things bright and beautiful: Chrissy goes up to the gallery. Robin asks Ken-cop if he feels any guilt. Ken-cop says, "You was the one running round with your trousers down, singing 'All Things Bright and Beautiful.' " No, that was actually the vicar, who keeps smiling.
A man whom I think is the clerk of the court calls them in right after Robin puts the toffee in his mouth, although it obviously hasn't been half an hour yet. The clerk is played by Frank Lester, whose credits are only from 1971 to '84, yet somehow include both The Rocky Horror Picture Show (as "Wedding Dad") and Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
Or is he the warrant officer, played by Mark Boyle? Boyle mostly did stunts, but he also played policemen and similar.
George: (meaning Robin) I know him.
Bicyclist: So do I.
Chrissy: It's his bicycle we ran over.
We find out that Robin's full name is Robin Oswald Tripp.
Jo: He kept that quiet.
Chrissy: I don't blame him.
He's accused of acting contrary to the Road Safety Act of 1967. He has the toffee stuck in his mouth. He swallows it and pleads guilty. Ken-cop says that the incident happened at 7.15 p.m. on the 18th of this month, which I guess was February 1975, rather than happening in the then "future" of 18 March. He was on patrol duty in the Kensington area.
George offers the soft centres, which he doesn't like, to the other people in the gallery. He thinks Ken-cop is very good, very realistic. He compares the trial to Crossroads, which is funny considering that that show was supposed to be so bad it was good.
Ken-cop says, "I asked him to take a breathalyser. Whereupon he replied, 'All things bright and beautiful'....Whereupon he replied, 'Oh, bloody hell. I have only had a pint of home-made neck's water." The camera cuts to George looking confused yet insulted. (I have no idea what neck's water is.)
The magistrate asks if Robin has any questions. Robin puts his hands on his hips and says, "I'd like you to cast your mind back to the 18th--" The magistrate says, "Without the Perry-Masonisms if you please."
Robin asks if the wheels went all the way round. He compares it to football. The magistrate says this isn't relevant unless Robin was playing football in the car. The FA rules do not apply in this courtoom. "In that respect, I'm afraid you're offside." The magistrate breaks himself up, and the others in the courtroom are also amused. Then the magistrate asks if Robin has any more foolish questions.
Jo asks Chrissy if they were playing football in the car. Chrissy says, "No, he lives in a world of his own."
The magistrate disqualifies Robin from driving for 12 months, and fines him 25 pounds. As Robin returns to the hallway, he passes the smiling vicar. Ken-cop tells him it could've been 50, not years but pounds. Robin says they're ignoring the 20,000 miles he's driven stone cold sober.
Over on 3'sC, Jack and Chrissy come home, she with her bike, he on foot.
Chrissy: I told you you shouldn't be drinking that dumb beer!
Jack: You didn't have to tell the cop that I'd been drinking it!
Chrissy: Tell him? He could smell your breath before you opened you mouth!
Jack will have to go to court, he'll be fined, and it'll be weeks before he sees his bike again. He says he loved that bike, and the cops will probably be riding it all round L.A. We won't see Jack's court case, as this is the last his drunk driving (or drunk pedaling) will be mentioned.
Back in the U.K., the girls and the Ropers come down the gallery staircase, then Ken-cop says he didn't mention the attempted bribery. George calls that disgraceful, as if it wasn't his fault.
Jo: Never mind, Oswald.
Chrissy: Oswald. Do you realise that makes your initials spell "rot"?
Chrissy's driving test will be at half past one. Robin can't drive her there now. So Mildred volunteers George.
Driving Test: A woman exits, crying, from a building with a sign "Department of the Environment, Driving Tests." Then Chrissy parks next to a "No Parking" sign. Robin, who's come along with her and George, says that 50% of people pass their driving test on the first try. Chrissy says that this means that 50% fail. George is about to give her a little tip but then thinks not.
The examiner of course turns out to be the bicyclist. Chrissy talks about tuna fish, beans, and chunky chicken. Then she backs up, and we see a bicycle wheel roll by. She's hit his bike again.
This is a very long episode, 29 minutes, and it's funny how little of it ends up Americanized. There's still a ways to go for 3'sC.
Remembering Mrs. Roper: Amer-Chrissy says they still haven't decided what to do about the plants. Jack says chop 'em up and put them down the garbage disposal. She says it doesn't work. He says to get Roper to fix it.
The name Roper reminds Chrissy. With big eyes, she says that Mrs. Roper is using the marijuana plant in her flower arrangement. He says they've got to warn Mrs. Roper. She says that it's too late, and Mrs. Roper will already be at the exhibition.
Brit-Chrissy also remembers Mrs. Roper. Then Larry comes in with a suggestion. They could post the plant to themselves, marked highly valuable. Then the postman will nick it. Larry is the one who says that the Ropers left half an hour ago, with Mildred's flower arrangement.
The Exhibition: On 3'sC, we get a large sign that says, "Arts & Crafts Display, Adult Class Evening Sessions." There's also a little sign by someone's arrangement of yellow tulips and other flowers that reads, "Happiness and Harmony." Mrs. Roper's display reads, "Symphony of the Wild Flowers."
There's a reporter with a pen and camera, who's following the teacher. Helen tells us that her teacher is one of the judges. The reporter isn't credited but the "flower judge" is Ludi Claire, who had only a handful of credits, this being her last. She was on Edge of Night for two years.
On Math31, the teacher poses for photographs. He's male and played by Charles Morgan, who has credits from 1949 to '89, including eight appearances on Doctor Who and amusingly a part on Crossroads.
Mildred is appropriately wearing a pink floral outfit with a pink flowered hat.
Helen tells Stanley to try to look interested, but he's not. She says, "Then try to look alive." She takes away his bag of peanuts. He's wearing bland colors, with a sweater over his shirt. She says, "Look at the way you're dressed! Did you remember to wear clean shorts?" He asks, "Why? Are they judging them, too?"
Mildred asks George if he's wearing clean underpants.
George: What exactly are they judging?
Mildred: Everything...Have you been?
George: No.
Mildred: Then you're gonna have to wait.
The British teacher says one arrangement is a splendid effort, and the reporter gets a shot of him and the student. The American teacher also has the reporter get a shot of her and a student. "The local press" is here, so Mr. Roper smiles, but his wife scolds, "Don't smile! It makes you look" simple for MatH, simple-minded for 3'sC.
A man comes over and tells Mrs. Roper that there's a telephone call for her, the American whispering it to her. Mrs. Roper has her husband answer it.
Brit-Larry says maybe the judges won't recognise the plant. Chrissy says the place is full of experts.
Brit-Chrissy: Hello, Mrs. Roper?
George: Do I look like her? Chrissy who? Can of what? Oh, bisque.
Gradually he realises what she's saying.
Stanley says, "Mrs. Roper has a what in her arrangement? A can of what? Can of bis? What's that? Oh, cannabis. So?" Then he widens his eyes as Jack or Chrissy explains offscreen. "What? What? Mari--Shh!" He looks around in a paranoid way. "I know it's illegal! Oh God!"
Mr. Roper rushes over to his wife's display. He tries to tell her but she won't listen because she's next. George pulls the plant out and makes a mess. Mildred cries. Stanley goes to another table and gets a reddish purple clay thing, which he throws on top of her arrangement. Helen is shocked and horrified. He tries to look innocent.
The British teacher sees that Mildred's arrangement is called "Poem of the Hedgerows." He says it's very unusual, casual. The American teacher says Helen's is very unusual. They agree, "not your best work." The American adds, "But you'll improve." She goes to talk to the reporter, a few feet behind the Ropers, very important for staging.
They're less concerned about that sort of farcical set-up on the British show. They just have the teacher overhear George say he didn't want the teacher to see the plant. That teacher identifies the plant as Grevillea robusta, or silk-bark oak. On 3'sC, the teacher turns and says the plant is "such a fascinating little fellow, false aralia." (If Google images are anything to go by, the second plant's leaves look much more like marijuana.) When the American teacher hears what Stanley thinks the plant is, she's amused and says, "Cannabis? Oh, dear me, we do have a lot to learn, don't we?"
Mrs. Roper is so upset that she hits her husband with her purse. The reporters get a picture of it, the American kissing his fingertips in gratitude. On MatH, we get to see the photo in Kensington Herald, with the story "FLOWER SHOW FRACAS."
Botany: Then MatH shows Mildred looking at the newspaper in the trio's kitchen. Chrissy apologises, but Mildred says she's not that bothered, since she got her picture in the paper, which is more than the winner did.
Robin says it wasn't Chrissy's fault. Mildred says she knows it was "Percy Thrower upstairs." Larry has been avoiding her. Then Jo finds him hiding in the cupboard. Mildred chases him out of the flat.
Chrissy goes out to the balcony to water the plants. Despite what he just said to Mildred, Robin comes out and says it was Chrissy's fault, believing Larry, "he's even more stupid than Jo." Jo is understandably offended. She says, "Oh, thank you very much. As it happens, I know quite a lot about botany." She says you can compare the picture in the paper with "this." She lifts a plant from Chrissy's garden. Both her flatmates say, "What?" She giggles. The episode ends.
Of course Janet is the real expert. Now back from helping Marilyn, she says, "Poor Mrs. Roper! But I don't understand where you guys got the idea that this stuff was cannabis.
Chrissy: Well, Larry said it was.
Janet: Larry? And you believed Larry.
She says it's not cannabis, it's false aralia. Jacks says it's obvious to her, she works in a flower shop. She says you just have to compare it. Pulling out a different plant, she says, "With this. This is cannabis!" She hands it to Jack. He and Chrissy toss it back and forth. Then Jack takes the bouquet and is going to throw it out the door. Since Mr. Roper is waiting outside, about to knock, Jack hands him the bouquet and says, "Happy birthday." Then he and Chrissy whistle innocently.
Laughing stock: In the tag for 3'sC, Janet is visiting the Ropers. Stanley comes in with the paper and says, "Look at that picture! I'm the laughing stock of the whole town!" Helen says he should be used to that by now. But when she opens the paper, she's shocked. He says it's her fault. So they bicker.
Janet tries to make peace, hoping they'll kiss and make up. Helen is all for that. Stanley reluctantly gives her a peck on the lips. She puts her arms around him and lowers him to the floor, out of view behind the couch. The audience applauds.
He cries, "Helen! Helen! What are you doing?" She surfaces and says to Janet, "Married 20 years and he still doesn't know." Janet is both amused and embarrassed, so she sneaks out. And the episode ends.
Commentary: The beauty pageant is an odd way to start the 3'sC episode, since it has nothing to do with the illegal ingesting of substances. But it gives John Ritter a chance to be silly, as it does for the duo of O'Sullivan and Fisher. It's interesting that Janet is insecure about her chest (as indicated on some other episodes), while the British girls remain comfortable with their figures. (I'm glad they've dropped Jo dieting, that was just odd.)
It's also notable that while we get something quasi-political with Miss Common Market, the American contest seems to be agricultural. Similarly, Larry is identified by the part of the country he's from, South Kent, while Jack is Mr. Pico Boulevard. (Kent, by the way, is the British county closest to Calais.) And instead of Stanley yet again thinking Jack is gay (and cross-dressing), we get Brit-Chrissy encouraging George to question Larry's sexuality, an unexpected end to a sequence that started with Larry calling Robin queer.
Brit-Larry's best moment for me is not Mr. South Kent but the string of cliches he summons up to "comfort" Jo in her grief. Amer-Larry's best is when he says, "Call me," which implies he not only recognizes but enjoys pot. Robin, Jack, and the Chrissys are "good kids" who barely know what cannabis is. As for Jo, well, in the movie she'd tried pot but didn't like it. However, I'm not sure how canonical that is, and she could just be bluffing in the last scene of MatH31.
It's odd that Jo is removed from much of that episode. It makes sense in the case of 3'sC, since they couldn't have florist Janet around during the plant panic. When Jo left for her nephew's christening, it was so that we could have "And Then There Were Two." They could've at least had her as part of the gardening and then out when Larry starts the cannabis scare, as happens with Janet. And meanwhile, as if Jack doesn't have enough to do, he gets not just Robin's lines but a few of Brit-Chrissy's and Brit-Larry's.
The way the Ropers are handled on the three episodes is quite a contrast. As always, they bicker, but the American show heightens it, to the point that the audience applauds. Stanley's reluctance about the "kissing and making up" doesn't sit well with me though, while it's kind of cute how beer makes George randy, even if Mildred does try to take advantage of that by getting him drunk round the clock.
The class issue is very different on the two shows. For MatH, class is related to economics, with the Brit-Ropers somewhere below the "middle class" of news agents and greengrocers that Mildred tries to emulate. Meanwhile, George drinks tea out of the saucer, which is perfectly acceptable in some cultures, even if Mildred doesn't think it's posh. But on 3'sC, Stanley's burp has nothing to do with money, it's just that he's tacky.
It's clear why the "driving lesson" plot was dropped for America. It would be more unusual for an American woman not to know how to drive in her early 20s. (Of course, I was in my late 30s when I got my license, but that's very rare these days.) Brit-Chrissy did "drive" on the previous episode, but that was with Robin pushing the car, in the middle of nowhere. With the driver's licence plot goes Robin getting arrested for drunk driving, although Jack does get the drunk bike-riding section.
Responsibility, or its lack, is important on both of these British episodes. On MatH22, she first claims that it wasn't her fault that she hit the man's bicycle, and then she starts saying "we" did it, like Robin was equally to blame. Then on MatH31, Robin first says it was Larry's fault and then says it was Chrissy's for listening to Larry, never mind that Larry is his best mate and he believed Larry just as much as she did. On 3'sC, sensible Janet isn't to blame for anything, and could've prevented much of the trouble had she been around. She tells the Ropers that Jack and Chrissy meant well, and Mrs. Roper that Mr. Roper meant well.
I like hearing what the laws were in the '70s, how long you'd get sentenced for various offences, in both the U.K. and U.S. It's fair to say that drunk driving would less likely be a subject of humor now than it was then, in either country. (That was the era when Foster Brooks was considered funny.) As for pot, there was an occasional moment, like the 1993 Roseanne episode called "A Stash from the Past," that used it for humor after "Just Say No," but really, Nancy Reagan's campaign made the pot-smoking sequence of 9 to 5 look dated within three years after it hit movie theaters in 1980. Judging from the likes of '80s/'90s programmes like The Young Ones and Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the British attitude remained more casual.
It seems kind of silly for Robin and Chrissy to lug the plant to the police station, although it does allow them to give it to the dustmen on their way home. Jack and Chrissy are more sensible to leave the bouquet behind, although Jack is foolish to ride his bike while intoxicated.
Although Robin implies that the police are no longer our friends, the way they were in Chrissy's childhood in the '50s and early '60s, the police, magistrate, and all come across pretty well in these episodes, seeming sane compared to the criminals. They even have their paternal moments, although they can be strict.
These episodes manage to refer to not only MatH favourite Churchill but also FDR, with Chrissy's "fear" quote.
Jo is very dotty on both these episodes, with her family stories and twisted logic, like being twice as late to work.
My absolute favorite part of these three episodes is of course is that we find out Robin's middle name.
Robin thinks the plant is from the squatters in #12. They grow their own food. And the seeds could've blown over to Mr. Roper's garden. Jack doesn't blame anyone in particular. He says the wind could've blown the seeds from anywhere, or birds could've carried them.
The Larrys say to stick to that story. Brit-Larry says it'll put a bit of doubt in the jury's mind. Amer-Larry says, "I'm sure any jury in the world would believe you." Brit-Larry says it's nothing to do with him. He plans to say, "I don't know either of them, Inspector." Then he leaves. Amer-Larry says that this could mean a year in jail. He plans to say, "Officer, I never saw these people before in my life. Thank you and goodnight." Then he salutes.
Robin says they'll burn it outside, in a bonfire. Chrissy says then half the neighbourhood will get stoned. On 3'sC, these lines are reversed between Chrissy and Jack. Robin suggests flushing it down the loo, but Chrissy says that blocks up if you tap your ash into it. These lines are omitted on 3'sC. Both Chrissys suggest burying the cannabis in the garden, but Robin says next year a whole crop will come up. On 3'sC, the line goes to Larry, with the addition, after a pause, of "Call me." Then he leaves. Jack calls after him, "Thanks for your help, Larry."
Brit-Chrissy suggests slinging the plant in the dustbin. Robin thinks the dustmen might recognise it. He thinks she should put it on the balcony. The cat next door will pee on it. That's how she loses half her plants. (This first came up on MatH21.) Jack is less explicit when he suggests the balcony, saying they can "get the cat next door to come visit it. Well, that's how you lost your fern."
The Chrissys think they should ask the police for advice. Robin says that idea is sensible, logical, "and I don't like it." Jack protests, "No way! No police!" and swigs some of Roper's beer.
Plant: So of course the next scene is set in a police station. Robin and Chrissy bring in the plant wrapped in brown paper. Jack and Chrissy arrive on their bikes, without the plant.
Brit-Chrissy says that when she was a kid, she was told that policemen are our friends. Robin says, "Listen, when you were a kid, they were."
Jack says he feels funny.
Chrissy: That's because you've been drinking all that beer.
Jack: No, coming here is a big mistake.
Chrissy: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Jack: I was afraid of that.
The desk sergeant tells them they shouldn't bring their bikes in here. Chrissy exclaims, "We can't leave them in front of the police station! They'll get stolen!"
As I mentioned earlier, the British desk sergeant is played by Ken Watson. The American is played by David Tress, who'd return to 3'sC a couple years later as "Virgil." It looks like he mostly did dramas, although he did appear on an early Seinfeld episode.
Robin: My name is--
Chrissy: He doesn't need to know that!
Robin: You don't need to know that.
Chrissy: Not yet anyway.
Robin: Not yet anyway.
Jack: My name is--
Chrissy: You don't have to tell him your name.
Jack: That's true, I don't have to tell you my name.
Chrissy: (amused) Not yet anyway.
Jack: Not yet anyway.
Robin says he's asking a question on behalf of a friend. Jack says he just dropped in to ask a few questions on behalf of a friend, "you don't know him."
Amer-Sergeant: I don't know you either!
Amer-Chrissy: Oh, you'd like him if you did. He's very honest, loyal, sincere.
Robin wonders, if someone committed an offence without meaning to, would he still be guilty? Jack wonders what would happen if his friend accidentally committed an offense. Amer-Chrissy "explains," "What he means is, if his friend was innocent, would he still be guilty?"
Amer-Sergeant: Of what?
Amer-Chrissy: Of what he didn't do.
The Brit-sergeant wants to know what sort of offence. Robin names various offences, including possession of drugs, which gets the sergeant's attention. Chrissy says it could've been overdue library books.
Jack thinks they should go, but the Amer-sergeant says that Jack said offense. "What kind of offense?" Jack hesitates, then names various things, mumbling "possession of drugs."
Amer-Sergeant: Drugs?
Amer-Chrissy: He didn't say drugs!
Amer-Sergeant: (coming out from behind the very high desk) What kind of drugs? And what did you mean by possession?
Robin/Jack says it's a plant. The sergeants exclaim, "Someone's planted drugs on you?"
Brit-Sergeant: Son, as far as I'm concerned, you and your friend can park your car, you can fill it full of overdue library books, you can flash the faulty headlights on and off until you're blue in the face.
Robin: Thank you very much.
Brit-Sergeant: It's harmless. But when it comes to drugs, that's a different matter.
The Amer-sergeant says that possession of drugs is a very serious crime. He puts his arm paternally on Jack's shoulder and asks what this is all about. Jack stutters on the word "hypothetical," so the sergeant thinks he means hypodermic. Jack stutters more then tries to leave.
Robin and Chrissy sneak out while the sergeant is getting the form for a statement. Jack won't get away so easily.
Fill this: The Amer-sergeant asks, "Are you riding those bicycles to your home?" Jack says, "Just the one," and chuckles. Then he babbles. The sergeant asks if Jack has been drinking.
Jack: Who, me? (He hiccoughs.) No!
Chrissy: (cheerfully) Just some home-made beer.
The sergeant says it's against the law to ride a bicycle while under the influence. He'd like Jack to take a breath test. He goes back behind the desk. Jack says, "No, Officer, I can breathe just fine!" He pants like a dog.
Meanwhile, Robin22 is taking the breath test again, this time at the police station. The results are the same as the first. The police sergeant says Robin is well over. He's played by Alister Williamson, who worked from 1959 to '86, often as a policeman. The sergeant says they'll need a sample. He takes out a urine bottle and asks, "Can you fill this?" Robin says, "Well, not from here, no."
The Amer-sergeant says, "Don't want to take the breath test, eh? Fine, Sir." He holds up the urine bottle. "Can you fill this?" Jack says, "Not from here." The gag is exaggerated because of the distance between Jack and the high desk. The audience laughs and applauds.
Robin says he's just been. The sergeant says he'll have to go again. Robin doesn't think he has any left. The sergeant suggests a blood sample, but Robin doesn't want that. He suggests they turn on the water tap to inspire him. The sergeant can't do that, but he says it helps to whistle. Robin wonders if it has to be anything in particular.
While Robin's in the next room, the sergeant explains to Chrissy about the summons. Robin whistles a tune I don't recognise. He comes in soon after. He needs another bottle because he dropped the first one.
3'sC keeps it simpler and cleaner. The sergeant comes down from the desk again, hands Jack the bottle, and points to the next room, saying, "In there!"
Dustmen: Since Robin and Chrissy escaped on MatH31, they're now walking down their street with the plant. They see the rubbish lorry. Chrissy wants Robin to sling the plant in the lorry. He has to first ask the dustmen questions. Do they know anything about botany? The second dustman knows philosophy. There's an extreme close-up of Chrissy looking approving as Robin slings the plant in.
The first dustman is played by John Lyons, who was then about 32 and is still working today, with 39 episodes of A Touch of Frost from 1992 to 2010. The second dustman is Mike Savage, also 32 at the time, and he did one episode of A Touch of Frost, as well as another episode of MatH in '76, plus a bunch of other roles, often as a policeman or detective.
Outside their flat, Chrissy tells Robin, "I don't know about policemen, but I think our dustmen are wonderful."
Duck: In the next scene on MatH22, Robin is in his dressing gown. He could fight the summons and get the backing of the AA, RAC (Royal Automobile Club), and something Taylor. Jo points out he's guilty. He says that's the weak part of his argument.
She thinks he should plead "guilty but not much." Her Uncle Albert did, for "interfering with a duck on a public highway." (For those keeping track, this makes at least three uncles for Jo, although Uncle Arthur sounds like he was old enough to more likely be a great-uncle.)
Jo: He was remanded for medical reports. Uncle Albert, not the duck.
Robin: Funny lot, your family.
Jo: Mm hm. I'm the only normal one.
Robin says he didn't do anything. She says, "Neither did he. Ducks can move very quickly when they want to."
Robin says he didn't drive very far, probably not even a yard. He doubts the wheels turned a full circle.
He's due in court at 12. Chrissy is amused as she says, "Oh, high noon."
Robin: One little mistake and I'm suspended.
Jo: They hang you?
It's Chrissy's day off and she's going to be taking her driving test, which means that ten days have elapsed. (The "gardening" episodes cover only a couple days.) Jo forgot Chrissy wasn't going into work, and now Jo is really late. She says that it's ten minutes, but if it was the two of them, it would only be five minutes each. She tells Robin, "See you in court," presumably going on her lunch hour.
Mr. Roper is just about to knock when she's coming through the door, so she tells him, "Oh, you don't have to now 'cause it's open." He goes in.
He has a couple little tips. Chrissy is skeptical, because of the pound-in-the-driving-licence tip. He admits he slipped up there. He didn't allow for inflation, and it should've been a fiver. He asks Chrissy for coffee. She goes to the kitchen to get it. He tells Robin, "I had to get rid of her in that subtle manner."
George asks Robin if there's any chance he's a Buffalo, since most magistrates are. He demonstrates the Buffalo sign for help and assistance, which in part is thumbing the nose. It's unclear if George belongs to that lodge or this is just something he picked up somewhere.
Chrissy comes back with the coffee, but George tells her no thanks, he prefers tea in the morning.
He asks Robin if he's going to wear a suit. Robin says no, he'll go stark naked. "That's how we Freemasons recognise each other."
Mrs. Roper lets herself in. She's very flirty with her husband about the bacon. She asks if he fancies any of his beer. He says she's got him drinking it all hours of the day. She says it was just a thought.
The Ropers are going to watch Robin's case, too. Mildred says it'll give her a chance to wear her new hat. George plans to bring chocolates. Robin cries, "Chocolates?!? No one's taking this seriously!"
Headmaster: The next scene is set in the hallway of the courthouse. A dreary-looking woman named Mrs. McDonald is called in. (She's uncredited, as is the smiling vicar coming up.) Robin says this is just like being brought up in front of the headmaster in school. Jo says that was six strokes versus the six months he might face now. (These strokes are from paddling or spanking, as opposed to being put off your stroke.)
Robin whistles, and Chrissy, amused, says, "Careful, you'll wet yourself."
The smiling vicar is reading Kung Fu magazine.
Robin: What do you think he's here for?
Chrissy: God knows. (She chuckles.)
Robin refers to the "ratty little policeman," so of course Ken Watson appears.
In the courtroom the mousy woman is accused of having 23 tins of baked beans (clutch) about her person, plus corn flakes. The magistrate says there's too much shoplifting. He's going to be "lenient" though, and give her three months without the option. George, watching from the gallery, says this is better than the telly. Mildred is wearing a red hat to match her red & white outfit.
The magistrate is played by Erik Chitty, who died two years later, at the age of 70. He did TV-movies in the 1930s! He worked steadily till the end, including 55 episodes of Please Sir! as Mr. Smith.
Ken-cop says that it'll be another half hour for Robin, since they always run late. He offers a sweet. Robin says, "The condemned man ate a hearty toffee."
All things bright and beautiful: Chrissy goes up to the gallery. Robin asks Ken-cop if he feels any guilt. Ken-cop says, "You was the one running round with your trousers down, singing 'All Things Bright and Beautiful.' " No, that was actually the vicar, who keeps smiling.
A man whom I think is the clerk of the court calls them in right after Robin puts the toffee in his mouth, although it obviously hasn't been half an hour yet. The clerk is played by Frank Lester, whose credits are only from 1971 to '84, yet somehow include both The Rocky Horror Picture Show (as "Wedding Dad") and Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
Or is he the warrant officer, played by Mark Boyle? Boyle mostly did stunts, but he also played policemen and similar.
George: (meaning Robin) I know him.
Bicyclist: So do I.
Chrissy: It's his bicycle we ran over.
We find out that Robin's full name is Robin Oswald Tripp.
Jo: He kept that quiet.
Chrissy: I don't blame him.
He's accused of acting contrary to the Road Safety Act of 1967. He has the toffee stuck in his mouth. He swallows it and pleads guilty. Ken-cop says that the incident happened at 7.15 p.m. on the 18th of this month, which I guess was February 1975, rather than happening in the then "future" of 18 March. He was on patrol duty in the Kensington area.
George offers the soft centres, which he doesn't like, to the other people in the gallery. He thinks Ken-cop is very good, very realistic. He compares the trial to Crossroads, which is funny considering that that show was supposed to be so bad it was good.
Ken-cop says, "I asked him to take a breathalyser. Whereupon he replied, 'All things bright and beautiful'....Whereupon he replied, 'Oh, bloody hell. I have only had a pint of home-made neck's water." The camera cuts to George looking confused yet insulted. (I have no idea what neck's water is.)
The magistrate asks if Robin has any questions. Robin puts his hands on his hips and says, "I'd like you to cast your mind back to the 18th--" The magistrate says, "Without the Perry-Masonisms if you please."
Robin asks if the wheels went all the way round. He compares it to football. The magistrate says this isn't relevant unless Robin was playing football in the car. The FA rules do not apply in this courtoom. "In that respect, I'm afraid you're offside." The magistrate breaks himself up, and the others in the courtroom are also amused. Then the magistrate asks if Robin has any more foolish questions.
Jo asks Chrissy if they were playing football in the car. Chrissy says, "No, he lives in a world of his own."
The magistrate disqualifies Robin from driving for 12 months, and fines him 25 pounds. As Robin returns to the hallway, he passes the smiling vicar. Ken-cop tells him it could've been 50, not years but pounds. Robin says they're ignoring the 20,000 miles he's driven stone cold sober.
Over on 3'sC, Jack and Chrissy come home, she with her bike, he on foot.
Chrissy: I told you you shouldn't be drinking that dumb beer!
Jack: You didn't have to tell the cop that I'd been drinking it!
Chrissy: Tell him? He could smell your breath before you opened you mouth!
Jack will have to go to court, he'll be fined, and it'll be weeks before he sees his bike again. He says he loved that bike, and the cops will probably be riding it all round L.A. We won't see Jack's court case, as this is the last his drunk driving (or drunk pedaling) will be mentioned.
Back in the U.K., the girls and the Ropers come down the gallery staircase, then Ken-cop says he didn't mention the attempted bribery. George calls that disgraceful, as if it wasn't his fault.
Jo: Never mind, Oswald.
Chrissy: Oswald. Do you realise that makes your initials spell "rot"?
Chrissy's driving test will be at half past one. Robin can't drive her there now. So Mildred volunteers George.
Driving Test: A woman exits, crying, from a building with a sign "Department of the Environment, Driving Tests." Then Chrissy parks next to a "No Parking" sign. Robin, who's come along with her and George, says that 50% of people pass their driving test on the first try. Chrissy says that this means that 50% fail. George is about to give her a little tip but then thinks not.
The examiner of course turns out to be the bicyclist. Chrissy talks about tuna fish, beans, and chunky chicken. Then she backs up, and we see a bicycle wheel roll by. She's hit his bike again.
This is a very long episode, 29 minutes, and it's funny how little of it ends up Americanized. There's still a ways to go for 3'sC.
Remembering Mrs. Roper: Amer-Chrissy says they still haven't decided what to do about the plants. Jack says chop 'em up and put them down the garbage disposal. She says it doesn't work. He says to get Roper to fix it.
The name Roper reminds Chrissy. With big eyes, she says that Mrs. Roper is using the marijuana plant in her flower arrangement. He says they've got to warn Mrs. Roper. She says that it's too late, and Mrs. Roper will already be at the exhibition.
Brit-Chrissy also remembers Mrs. Roper. Then Larry comes in with a suggestion. They could post the plant to themselves, marked highly valuable. Then the postman will nick it. Larry is the one who says that the Ropers left half an hour ago, with Mildred's flower arrangement.
The Exhibition: On 3'sC, we get a large sign that says, "Arts & Crafts Display, Adult Class Evening Sessions." There's also a little sign by someone's arrangement of yellow tulips and other flowers that reads, "Happiness and Harmony." Mrs. Roper's display reads, "Symphony of the Wild Flowers."
There's a reporter with a pen and camera, who's following the teacher. Helen tells us that her teacher is one of the judges. The reporter isn't credited but the "flower judge" is Ludi Claire, who had only a handful of credits, this being her last. She was on Edge of Night for two years.
On Math31, the teacher poses for photographs. He's male and played by Charles Morgan, who has credits from 1949 to '89, including eight appearances on Doctor Who and amusingly a part on Crossroads.
Mildred is appropriately wearing a pink floral outfit with a pink flowered hat.
Helen tells Stanley to try to look interested, but he's not. She says, "Then try to look alive." She takes away his bag of peanuts. He's wearing bland colors, with a sweater over his shirt. She says, "Look at the way you're dressed! Did you remember to wear clean shorts?" He asks, "Why? Are they judging them, too?"
Mildred asks George if he's wearing clean underpants.
George: What exactly are they judging?
Mildred: Everything...Have you been?
George: No.
Mildred: Then you're gonna have to wait.
The British teacher says one arrangement is a splendid effort, and the reporter gets a shot of him and the student. The American teacher also has the reporter get a shot of her and a student. "The local press" is here, so Mr. Roper smiles, but his wife scolds, "Don't smile! It makes you look" simple for MatH, simple-minded for 3'sC.
A man comes over and tells Mrs. Roper that there's a telephone call for her, the American whispering it to her. Mrs. Roper has her husband answer it.
Brit-Larry says maybe the judges won't recognise the plant. Chrissy says the place is full of experts.
Brit-Chrissy: Hello, Mrs. Roper?
George: Do I look like her? Chrissy who? Can of what? Oh, bisque.
Gradually he realises what she's saying.
Stanley says, "Mrs. Roper has a what in her arrangement? A can of what? Can of bis? What's that? Oh, cannabis. So?" Then he widens his eyes as Jack or Chrissy explains offscreen. "What? What? Mari--Shh!" He looks around in a paranoid way. "I know it's illegal! Oh God!"
Mr. Roper rushes over to his wife's display. He tries to tell her but she won't listen because she's next. George pulls the plant out and makes a mess. Mildred cries. Stanley goes to another table and gets a reddish purple clay thing, which he throws on top of her arrangement. Helen is shocked and horrified. He tries to look innocent.
The British teacher sees that Mildred's arrangement is called "Poem of the Hedgerows." He says it's very unusual, casual. The American teacher says Helen's is very unusual. They agree, "not your best work." The American adds, "But you'll improve." She goes to talk to the reporter, a few feet behind the Ropers, very important for staging.
They're less concerned about that sort of farcical set-up on the British show. They just have the teacher overhear George say he didn't want the teacher to see the plant. That teacher identifies the plant as Grevillea robusta, or silk-bark oak. On 3'sC, the teacher turns and says the plant is "such a fascinating little fellow, false aralia." (If Google images are anything to go by, the second plant's leaves look much more like marijuana.) When the American teacher hears what Stanley thinks the plant is, she's amused and says, "Cannabis? Oh, dear me, we do have a lot to learn, don't we?"
Mrs. Roper is so upset that she hits her husband with her purse. The reporters get a picture of it, the American kissing his fingertips in gratitude. On MatH, we get to see the photo in Kensington Herald, with the story "FLOWER SHOW FRACAS."
Botany: Then MatH shows Mildred looking at the newspaper in the trio's kitchen. Chrissy apologises, but Mildred says she's not that bothered, since she got her picture in the paper, which is more than the winner did.
Robin says it wasn't Chrissy's fault. Mildred says she knows it was "Percy Thrower upstairs." Larry has been avoiding her. Then Jo finds him hiding in the cupboard. Mildred chases him out of the flat.
Chrissy goes out to the balcony to water the plants. Despite what he just said to Mildred, Robin comes out and says it was Chrissy's fault, believing Larry, "he's even more stupid than Jo." Jo is understandably offended. She says, "Oh, thank you very much. As it happens, I know quite a lot about botany." She says you can compare the picture in the paper with "this." She lifts a plant from Chrissy's garden. Both her flatmates say, "What?" She giggles. The episode ends.
Of course Janet is the real expert. Now back from helping Marilyn, she says, "Poor Mrs. Roper! But I don't understand where you guys got the idea that this stuff was cannabis.
Chrissy: Well, Larry said it was.
Janet: Larry? And you believed Larry.
She says it's not cannabis, it's false aralia. Jacks says it's obvious to her, she works in a flower shop. She says you just have to compare it. Pulling out a different plant, she says, "With this. This is cannabis!" She hands it to Jack. He and Chrissy toss it back and forth. Then Jack takes the bouquet and is going to throw it out the door. Since Mr. Roper is waiting outside, about to knock, Jack hands him the bouquet and says, "Happy birthday." Then he and Chrissy whistle innocently.
Laughing stock: In the tag for 3'sC, Janet is visiting the Ropers. Stanley comes in with the paper and says, "Look at that picture! I'm the laughing stock of the whole town!" Helen says he should be used to that by now. But when she opens the paper, she's shocked. He says it's her fault. So they bicker.
Janet tries to make peace, hoping they'll kiss and make up. Helen is all for that. Stanley reluctantly gives her a peck on the lips. She puts her arms around him and lowers him to the floor, out of view behind the couch. The audience applauds.
He cries, "Helen! Helen! What are you doing?" She surfaces and says to Janet, "Married 20 years and he still doesn't know." Janet is both amused and embarrassed, so she sneaks out. And the episode ends.
Commentary: The beauty pageant is an odd way to start the 3'sC episode, since it has nothing to do with the illegal ingesting of substances. But it gives John Ritter a chance to be silly, as it does for the duo of O'Sullivan and Fisher. It's interesting that Janet is insecure about her chest (as indicated on some other episodes), while the British girls remain comfortable with their figures. (I'm glad they've dropped Jo dieting, that was just odd.)
It's also notable that while we get something quasi-political with Miss Common Market, the American contest seems to be agricultural. Similarly, Larry is identified by the part of the country he's from, South Kent, while Jack is Mr. Pico Boulevard. (Kent, by the way, is the British county closest to Calais.) And instead of Stanley yet again thinking Jack is gay (and cross-dressing), we get Brit-Chrissy encouraging George to question Larry's sexuality, an unexpected end to a sequence that started with Larry calling Robin queer.
Brit-Larry's best moment for me is not Mr. South Kent but the string of cliches he summons up to "comfort" Jo in her grief. Amer-Larry's best is when he says, "Call me," which implies he not only recognizes but enjoys pot. Robin, Jack, and the Chrissys are "good kids" who barely know what cannabis is. As for Jo, well, in the movie she'd tried pot but didn't like it. However, I'm not sure how canonical that is, and she could just be bluffing in the last scene of MatH31.
It's odd that Jo is removed from much of that episode. It makes sense in the case of 3'sC, since they couldn't have florist Janet around during the plant panic. When Jo left for her nephew's christening, it was so that we could have "And Then There Were Two." They could've at least had her as part of the gardening and then out when Larry starts the cannabis scare, as happens with Janet. And meanwhile, as if Jack doesn't have enough to do, he gets not just Robin's lines but a few of Brit-Chrissy's and Brit-Larry's.
The way the Ropers are handled on the three episodes is quite a contrast. As always, they bicker, but the American show heightens it, to the point that the audience applauds. Stanley's reluctance about the "kissing and making up" doesn't sit well with me though, while it's kind of cute how beer makes George randy, even if Mildred does try to take advantage of that by getting him drunk round the clock.
The class issue is very different on the two shows. For MatH, class is related to economics, with the Brit-Ropers somewhere below the "middle class" of news agents and greengrocers that Mildred tries to emulate. Meanwhile, George drinks tea out of the saucer, which is perfectly acceptable in some cultures, even if Mildred doesn't think it's posh. But on 3'sC, Stanley's burp has nothing to do with money, it's just that he's tacky.
It's clear why the "driving lesson" plot was dropped for America. It would be more unusual for an American woman not to know how to drive in her early 20s. (Of course, I was in my late 30s when I got my license, but that's very rare these days.) Brit-Chrissy did "drive" on the previous episode, but that was with Robin pushing the car, in the middle of nowhere. With the driver's licence plot goes Robin getting arrested for drunk driving, although Jack does get the drunk bike-riding section.
Responsibility, or its lack, is important on both of these British episodes. On MatH22, she first claims that it wasn't her fault that she hit the man's bicycle, and then she starts saying "we" did it, like Robin was equally to blame. Then on MatH31, Robin first says it was Larry's fault and then says it was Chrissy's for listening to Larry, never mind that Larry is his best mate and he believed Larry just as much as she did. On 3'sC, sensible Janet isn't to blame for anything, and could've prevented much of the trouble had she been around. She tells the Ropers that Jack and Chrissy meant well, and Mrs. Roper that Mr. Roper meant well.
I like hearing what the laws were in the '70s, how long you'd get sentenced for various offences, in both the U.K. and U.S. It's fair to say that drunk driving would less likely be a subject of humor now than it was then, in either country. (That was the era when Foster Brooks was considered funny.) As for pot, there was an occasional moment, like the 1993 Roseanne episode called "A Stash from the Past," that used it for humor after "Just Say No," but really, Nancy Reagan's campaign made the pot-smoking sequence of 9 to 5 look dated within three years after it hit movie theaters in 1980. Judging from the likes of '80s/'90s programmes like The Young Ones and Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the British attitude remained more casual.
It seems kind of silly for Robin and Chrissy to lug the plant to the police station, although it does allow them to give it to the dustmen on their way home. Jack and Chrissy are more sensible to leave the bouquet behind, although Jack is foolish to ride his bike while intoxicated.
Although Robin implies that the police are no longer our friends, the way they were in Chrissy's childhood in the '50s and early '60s, the police, magistrate, and all come across pretty well in these episodes, seeming sane compared to the criminals. They even have their paternal moments, although they can be strict.
These episodes manage to refer to not only MatH favourite Churchill but also FDR, with Chrissy's "fear" quote.
Jo is very dotty on both these episodes, with her family stories and twisted logic, like being twice as late to work.
My absolute favorite part of these three episodes is of course is that we find out Robin's middle name.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
This Bud's for You, Part One
When the American producers (Nicholl, Ross, and West) wanted to adapt MatH22, they apparently decided to keep half of one of the two main plots and toss the rest. Then they borrowed most of the plot from Math31. Thus we get the odd blend that is 3'sC28. "One for the Road" aired 13 March 1975, with "How Does Your Garden Grow" over six months later, on 2 October. "Days of Beer and Weeds" was broadcast on Feb. 21, 1978, placing #3 in the ratings. "One for the Road" may be another old song reference, as in "One More for My Baby (and One More for the Road)." The other MatH title (without a question mark for some reason) is a nursery rhyme reference, as in "Mary Mary Quite Contrary." And the 3'sC title suggests the 1962 Blake Edwards movie Days of Wine and Roses. My title is the only pun that I could come up with to cover all this.
Pageants: As 3's C opens, the TV is playing a beauty pageant. Janet asks why they're watching, and Chrissy says Jack has the remote control. He says they should look at the pageant as a self-improvement course.
I don't want to go into much detail about changes between fourth and fifth series MatH (such as opening and closing credits), but I do have to note that when Larry lets himself in, his hair looks blonder, and it suits him. This is a few minutes into the episode, but I can't talk about the earlier scenes yet. Bear with me while I sort this out.
Brit-Larry expected Robin to be watching the Miss Common Market Contest. He asks, "Have you gone queer or something?" He takes the remote, which in their case has a cord. The American remote looks clunky, but still, the technology has advanced a bit in those three years, or maybe the American trio just have more modern technology. (Remember, Robin was excited about colour TV not too long ago.)
I need to omit something I'll get back to. Then Larry says, "Wait till you see Miss Rome, knockers on her like a pair of" some word I don't catch. Jo says this is typical. Chrissy says the men think of women solely as sex objects. Larry denies it and then says, "Oh, look at the brains on that!" We briefly cut away for a scene with the Ropers that I'll tell you about in a bit.
Back in the U.S., Janet asks if Jack thinks of women purely as sex objects. He says of course not. He likes intelligence, too. Then he says of Miss Soybean, "Just look at the brains on that one." Janet looks down inside her robe at her own chest, then says, "I don't see where they got a sash big enough to fit her."
When we go back to the flat, Robin, who was rolling his eyes at Larry before, is now watching as closely as his mate is. Chrissy says she's surprised they found a sash to fit Miss Rome.
The French contestant is Miss Calais. Robin says he's been there. Larry is skeptical, but Robin means the town, not the girl.
Robin: Look at the legs on that.
Jo: I didn't know they were in the Common Market.
Robin: Yes, both of them.
Both Chrissys think the pageants are degrading and they'd like to see men prancing up and down like that. Jack/Robin says, "Anything to oblige."
Robin and Larry get to their feet. Robin, using a banana as a mic, says, "Welcome to the Finals of the Male Chauvinist Pig Contest, 1975." Larry, as Mr. South Kent, walks sultrily. He unbuttons his shirt. Robin says Larry looks simply ravishing in his filthy old jeans. "Let's hope Filthy Old Jean knows he's got them on."
Since Amer-Larry isn't visiting yet, Jack has to be both host and contestant. He grabs two oranges and turns his back to us. He says, "Ladies and Ladies, welcome to the first annual Male Chauvinist Pig Contest of 1978." He turns to show us how he's put the oranges down his shirt to make perky little breasts. "And here we have the very lovely and talented Mr. Pico Boulevard." He starts to strut. "Looking absolutely stunning in his pair of filthy jeans. And we'd like to thank Filthy Jean's for lending them to him." (It's possible it's Gene, but the joke works either way.)
First is deportment. Janet says, "He ought to be deported." Then Jack does a silly walk. Larry does an Igor walk, and then Chrissy says the "deported" line.
That's all we get of the categories on 3'sC, but Robin continues with the category of sex appeal, so Larry exposes a shoulder. Robin says Mr. South Kent wants to be a chorus boy.
The American doorbell rings and Jack answers since, "Honey, I'm up." It's Mr. Roper, who says, "Going on a date?" Jack slouches so that the oranges fall.
George comes in without knocking. He asks, "It's not a bad moment, is it?" Chrissy says, "No, it's about time you found out about Larry anyway."
How Does Your Garden Grow?: MatH31 opens with the question-less title shown over the plant-filled balcony we first saw on MatH21. Then we go to the kitchen, where Robin is washing up as the girls read, Chrissy a magazine and Jo a letter.
Jo is wearing a peasant dress with stripes and flowers. She says her Uncle Arthur died. He was the liveliest one in the family. Robin says death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. (I think this line might've ended up somewhere on 3'sC. I've heard it before anyway.)
Jo's mum writes that his last wish was to buried on top of Aunt Agnes, his wife. Chrissy thinks this is sweet, till Jo tells her that Agnes isn't dead yet.
Jo is going to go to the funeral. Her uncle was 83. Chrissy says he probably saw the first episode of Crossroads. (Actually, the soap had started airing in 1964, not all that long before this episode, at least compared to some American soaps.) But Jo says he never watched television, not after he lost his false teeth. Her flatmates are afraid to ask.
Jo asks if Chrissy has anything black she can borrow. Chrissy says just a see-through nightie, and that might put the vicar "off his stroke." (I can't find a definition online, so I'm just going to assume it means something like "throw him off," and has none of the sexual connotations that the word "stroke" might suggest.)
Robin has gone to answer the door, and he brings in Mrs. Roper. She wants to borrow a cup of fertiliser. She tells them about the upcoming exhibit for her flower arranging class. She says arranging flowers is a bit like cribbage. Chrissy gives her Lawn Green.
Jo: Wasn't he on Bonanza?
Robin: No, you're thinking of Fizens' (sp?) Ever Grow. He used to play the rancher.
Mrs. Roper laughs.
After she leaves, Robin has to ask why Uncle Arthur stopped watching television. Jo says no one could understand what he was talking about (because of the lost teeth). The post office kept giving him a dog licence (as opposed to a television licence). Robin tells Chrissy, "You know, sometimes I think she's having us on." The camera cuts to Jo looking amused and mischievous.
Then there's a scene at the Ropers' that I have to omit for the moment.
Effective: After George31/Stanley walks in on the pageantry, he says that the kids can use his garden. Brit-Chrissy/Janet calls it a jungle, usable for safaris. Stanley says Helen has been nagging him about it. She's gone nuts since she started taking a flower arranging course, and she wants home-grown flowers.
When George/Stanley expects the kids to take care of the garden, they understandably balk at this. He lists various reasons, including exercise. Then George points out that they're a month behind on the rent. (Again?) Stanley asks, "Who can't afford a raise in the rent?
Brit-Chrissy/Jack: Mr. Roper, there's a word for the sort of threat you just made....Effective.
Jo thinks tomorrow's a good day to start, since she's going to the funeral. But Janet says, "Goodbye, weekend," when she hears they'll be doing it tomorrow.
George says there's a lawnmower out there somewhere. Well, there was in 1947. If they find it, "tell the bloke next door. I borrowed it off of him."
After George leaves, Brit-Larry says that the garden is one of the few places they haven't looked for Martin Bormann. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Bormann ) Continuing the WW II theme, Brit-Larry/Jack says, "There are pockets of Japanese who don't know the war is over."
Robin says it's not that bad and it won't take that long.
Strange brew: MatH22 opens in the Ropers' kitchen. Mildred is in a purple pantsuit with a blue beaded necklace. George is brewing beer.
The second scene of 3'sC28 has Stanley brewing home-made beer in the living room, as Helen works on a flower arrangement. She says he ought to be out in the garden helping the kids instead. He hopes to sell his beer to the Regal Beagle. She says, "And poison Santa Monica?"
George/Stanley says that everything has been sterilised. Mildred asks, "When were you done?" He means the equipment. Helen says, "So that's your problem." The audience applauds.
George has been using ordinary household items for his equipment, like a bucket. He says of one item, "They're the best thing for when you're straining, nappy liners. There's a joke there somewhere."
George/Stanley says that the batch from two weeks ago is ready. She thinks this is why the bottles keep exploding.
George says they put a penny on the pint at the British Legion, which I think means what they're charging extra.
On the Road: In the second scene of MatH22, we're introduced to the plotline that the American writer-producers decided to ditch entirely. Robin is asking Chrissy questions out of The Highway Code. She does well, so he puts on an American game show host voice and asks, "Now do you want to double your money? And I mean that most sincerely." Chrissy is amused.
When asked where you can't park, she gives serious answers at first, then, "Outside at Tesco's. On top of another car. Inside a bus." He says, "Bus?" She says, "Lane," meaning bus lane.
Jo asks where you can park. He says you can't park anywhere. Chrissy will have to drive round in circles till she disappears up her own exhaust pipe. It's a new scheme to cut down on traffic.
Chrissy says she'll never learn all this in ten days. Jo and Robin make fun of her. She says to Jo, "At least at the end of it, I'll be able to drive a car. All you can drive is other people. Up the wall." She angrily exits to the lounge.
Robin says Jo shouldn't take the mickey out of Chrissy, "you can't have both of us doing it."
He goes in the lounge and says that he'll have Chrissy practise her throttling. She says, "Oh, don't tempt me."
He's brought in some tins, which he sets on the floor in front of the coffee table. He explains the system: Beans = clutch. Tuna fish = brake. Chunky chicken = throttle.
He says driving is like anything else. If you don't practise, you'll forget how.
Chrissy: Why do you always have to bring sex into everythig?
Robin: Sex? Sex? What's that, sex?
Chrissy: Oh, I see what you mean.
They sit on the coffee table. Jo brings in a dust pan with a scrub brush, for the gearstick.
At about the five-minute, 40-second point of the episode, Paula Wilcox almost breaks character. She's supposed to be annoyed with Robin's directions, but she looks like she's about to laugh.
As the "examiner," Robin says, "Give us a kiss and I'll pass you," but she doesn't take him up on it. As Robin narrates their journey, Jo says he lives in a little world of his own. He tells Chrissy, "Ignore that lady at the bus stop."
Robin says Chrissy forgot the hand signal.
Chrissy: I'll give you a hand signal in a minute.
Robin: Naughty!
Effeminate: The second scene of 3'sC28 continues, with Helen calling Stanley's brewing silly nonsense. He says it's better than her stupid flower-arranging course. She says it's not stupid, it's artistic. He says it's effeminate.
The second scene of MatH31 is set in the Ropers' kitchen. He pours tea as she works on a flower arrangement. He says that this flower nonsense is a bit effeminate.
Mildred says, "Well, I'm supposed to be effeminate. Just as you're supposed to be, er, emasculate." There's no indication she realises this is an insult. But after Helen says, "Well, I'm supposed to be effeminate. Just like you're emasculate," she throws her head back and cackles.
Mildred wants something green for her arrangement. George suggests the welly (wellington boot) he referred to earlier as being lost in the garden. When Helen wants something "tall and green and prickly," Stanley says, "How about your mother?" and does his patented grin at the camera.
The American scene ends there, but George criticises the flower-arranging class some more. He asks why she doesn't learn something useful, like brick-laying or welding. She says she's trying to meet a better class of people. He says it's news agents and greengrocers, the middle-class, walking around with their poodles and blue rinses, "and the women are just as bad."
Referring to an annoying habit he's indulging in right then, she says at least they don't drink tea out of the saucer. He asks if she wants him to stick his finger out while he's doing it. He calls her a snob and says last year she was taking elocution lessons.
He thinks she's also taking this class to aggravate his hay fever. She waves flowers under his nose. He doesn't like the money she's spending on the flowers. She says she wouldn't have to buy flowers if he cleared out that jungle of theirs.
This is where we came in: The third scene of MatH31 has Jo packing as Robin reads the newspaper on the settee. Chrissy says Jo's train doesn't leave till tomorrow, but Jo says, "Enough time isn't enough time for me. I need more than enough." Robin offers her the black armband he got for Southampton.
Then we get Larry coming in. But the part I had to omit is that after Larry questions Robin's sexuality, Robin tells him that Jo's uncle just died. Chrissy says he might show a bit of sympathy.
So Larry sets down the remote and stands up. He slowly and gently tells Jo, "It's at times like this that one's heart goes out to those that are left behind, as well as those that have gone before to a better world." Then he sits back down and says the line about Miss Rome's knockers.
The Ropers' scene I had to omit after "the brains on that" has Mildred saying that it's years since George worked on the garden, three years to be exact. If he fixed it up, they could invite people in. He mocks her, saying things like, "Have another cucumber sandwich, Lady Muck." She says they could invite George's friends, since there are plenty of trees for them to swing from. She waves a plant at him and giggles when he sneezes.
Then we go back upstairs and get the Male Chauvinist Pig Contest and Mr. Roper's effective threat and all.
Silver bells and cockle shells: After Robin says that the garden isn't that bad, we cut to an outdoor shot of Robin and Chrissy looking at the jungly garden. He's wearing a T-shirt with Snoopy dancing with Lucy, which says, "Close dancing is coming back." He says they need a machete, which is Spanish for "atom bomb." Music plays as they garden.
On 3'sC, it's an obviously fake set, with huge weeds. The girls are getting "bitten to death by bugs." Jack springs up when they think they've lost him. He dropped the insect repellent and found it under a pile of bugs, "they love this stuff." Janet slaps his face to get a mosquito. He cries, "Look, a caterpillar!" and playfully shakes her by the shoulders.
Amer-Chrissy worries about rats, but Jack says they all got eaten by the snakes. Chrissy panics and "kills" a garden hose with the hedge clippers. Jack clowns with the hose. Brit-Chrissy is calmer, just asking if there are snakes in the garden, and when Robin says no, telling him "then I've chopped the garden hose in half."
There's more slapstick on 3'sC, as Jack steps on a rake and hits himself in the face, dropping to the ground. On MatH, we see an ever-growing pile of junk, like old tires. And Robin breaks off the handle of the old lawnmower. (Poor neighbour, after loaning it for 28 years.)
Robin asks, "Chrissy, I haven't just stuck this garden fork through your foot, have I?" When she says no, he collapses in pain. Jack asks, "Chrissy, did I just stick this fork through your foot?" When she says no, he pulls it out of his own foot. He puts his fist to his mouth and the girls tend to him.
Hops: In the third scene of MatH22, we see George still brewing. Stanley is doing the same in the fourth scene of 3'sC28. Mildred/Helen reminds her husband to put in the eye of newt and tongue of bat. Stanley replies, "Can you spare them?"
Mildred thinks this is like when he repaneled the bath. It reminds Helen of when he painted the bathtub last month. Mrs. Roper says he should've warned her before she got in. Mr. Roper is amused by the memory. Mildred says she was stuck to the bottom.
Stanley: You should've seen your face when you stuck to the bottom.
Helen: It wasn't my face I was worried about.
Mrs. Roper wants to see how the beer turned out. As Helen puts it, "Let's have a look at what's gonna put Budweiser out of business." Mr. Roper pours a glass with a big head, noticeably larger on the British show. In fact, George's brew overflows the glass.
Mrs. Roper refuses to drink any, Helen using the youthful slang of "no way." Mrs. Roper says it has things swimming around in it. Mr. Roper says they're hops.
Mildred: All right, they're hopping around in it.
Helen: OK, so it has little things hopping around in it.
Mildred thinks George could drink the beer and be all claws and fangs. She asks where the insurance books are. Then she says hairs are growing on the back of his hand.
When Stanley drinks, he spits out the seeds. Helen asks where he keeps his insurance policy.
George/Stanley says it tastes sort of nutty. Mildred/Helen says, "Look who made it."
Lazy devil: On Math31, George watches from his kitchen window as Robin and Chrissy garden. He calls Robin a lazy devil, dancing about on one leg when he should be working.
Mildred is working on her flower arrangement. She wants George to take a bath. He says the exhibit isn't till 2. She says time has no meaning for him, once he gets in there and starts playing with his loofa. He says he's not going, but she says that the entire course has been leading up to this exhibition.
Robin and Chrissy let themselves in. Chrissy says there's just "a little weed" to be got rid of. Mildred says, "Yes, George, go and have your bath."
Janet taps on the open door. She looks exhausted. Chrissy and Jack follow, he leaning on her and limping. They're done for today and they'll finish up tomorrow.
Have a glass: Helen says Stanley should give the kids something for all the work they did. The three of them look at him hopefully. He offers the beer. The girls pass, but Jack takes a glass.
Returning to MatH22, after the "nutty" exchange, Robin knocks and lets himself into the kitchen. He wants to borrow their car again, for an hour. George says all right and hands him a glass.
Mildred says, "He made it himself, Love." When Helen tells Jack, his mouth is full. George says he strained the beer through Mildred's tights. She says they were new ones. Stanley says he strained the beer through a pair of Helen's stockings. She complains, "My best pair."
Jack drinks some more and spits out seeds. He says the beer is a little strong but not bad. Stanley gives him two bottles.
Robin says the beer isn't bad at all. Then there's a dissolve.
George is now telling a war story. After an air raid, he saw "Winnie." Robin asks if this is the girl George met in the land army. George means Churchill, who said, "The drain's have gone then?" Shortly after that, they started the second front. Robin wonders if the two were connected, but George wouldn't say that.
Mildred brings in Chrissy. George gives Robin the car keys. He offers Chrissy a glass, but she doesn't want it when she's driving. He gives her the little tip to put a quid in your driving licence. (As we'll see later, this comes in a little booklet, sort of like a passport, rather than just the card we'd have in America.)
After Robin and Chrissy leave, bickering, George says, "Nice lad that, goes on a bit."
He says the beer is strong stuff. He puts his arm around Mildred's waist and pulls her close. "Do you fancy an early night tonight then, Mildred?" She's surprised and delighted.
Accident: In the car, Chrissy forgets the clutch, then remembers it's beans. When she says mistakes can happen, Robin says, "I know, but you don't have to give it so much help."
He has her do a reverse turn around the corner. She drives on the sidewalk. There's a man carrying a bicycle. He drops the bike and she backs over it.
Two policeman are watching and calmly drinking from a thermos. One is named Arthur. (Yes, the writers were very fond of that name.) Although there are two of them, I think only one is credited, the one with sideboards, listed as "Policeman" and played by Ken Watson, who usually went by Kenneth. From 1956 to '94, he played a lot of policemen and the like, including, as we'll see in Part Two, on "How Does Your Garden Grow." He had an earlier appearance on MatH, with "It's Only Money," but he was the bank manager rather than one of the policemen.
The victim says he just put a new bulb on his bike. Chrissy says it wasn't all their fault, he didn't signal. He says you don't have to signal when you're coming out of your own garden gate. Robin agrees with him. The man is played by Harry Littlewood, then about 54, with credits ranging from 1959 to '91, including four characters on George & Mildred and two on Robin's Nest.
Chrissy is going to move the car forward but Robin does it to prevent further damage. Then the policeman asks to see his licence. The bicycle frame is broken in two, but Chrissy points out that the bulb still works.
"There's a pound note in here, Sir." Robin says he doesn't have a wallet and it's lucky the policeman is honest.
The man tries to say that Chrissy is the one who hit the bike, but the cop is more concerned that Robin might've been drinking. He says Robin will have to take a breath test. And MatH22 breaks for adverts.
Another unwise gift: Back in the gardening plots, Brit-Chrissy wants to take some plants upstairs. George wants to charge her a quid for the lot, but Mildred won't allow that. Neither Mildred nor Chrissy knows what one plant is called. Chrissy offers it to Mildred, who says it's exactly what she needs for her flower arrangement.
Helen admires Amer-Chrissy's wildflower bouquet. She says it's exactly what she needs for her arrangement. Chrissy gives her some of it. Helen says there's going to be an arts & crafts exhibit at the school.
George comes back in because he can't find his rubber duck. Mildred says it's with his shower cap.
The Amer-trio are about to leave, the girls wishing Mrs. Roper good luck and Jack telling Mr. Roper, "Hey, thanks for the suds." Then Mr. Roper burps. His wife looks exasperated. The trio hesitate by the door.
Market: Upstairs, Robin says another sixteenth of an inch and he'd have lost his favourite toe, the little piggy that went to the market. It didn't stay home or have roast beef or anything. "It boldly went where no pig went before. To market!"
Jack, who's spraying on some kind of disinfectant, says that another millimeter to the left and he would've lost his toe. Chrissy says it's only bruised. (It's funny that Jack goes metric when Robin doesn't. But back in '78 there was a big push for the metric system in the U.S. I still fondly remember seeing a play around that time, called Take Me to Your Liter, I Want to Meter.)
Janet, who's wearing bellbottom jeans, reties her denim shirt. She's going over to her friend Marilyn's, because she promised to help her move this afternoon. (Poor Janet, not much of a relaxing weekend.) Jack asks her to pick him up a packet of assorted toes.
After Janet leaves, Chrissy says Jack is making too big a fuss. He says this is his favorite toe, the little piggy who went to market, but he doesn't make a comedy routine out of it.
Brit-Larry knocks and lets himself in. Amer-Larry knocks on the door that Janet left open. Jack observes, "You're up early. It's only noon."
Brit-Larry wants to return a packet of fags, the ones he's going to borrow. He can't return them if Robin won't lend them, but Robin won't cooperate. Since hardly anyone smokes on the American show, this Larry is worried about the five bucks he owes Jack. When Jack says Larry doesn't owe him anything, Larry says he will when Jack lends it to him. At first Jack says no way, but then he gives in because he has no resistance when his toe is dying. Larry says, "Make it ten bucks, I'll send a wreath."
Brit-Chrissy asks where Larry was while they were slaving away. He says he was there in spirit, but he's got a lazy body.
Brit-Larry looks at the very tall plant Chrissy brought up from the garden. He says it's pot, hash, cannabis, marijuana. Robin and Chrissy look at each other and then at Larry. MatH31 goes to its advert break.
Amer-Larry looks at Chrissy's bouquet and asks where she got it. She says Roper's garden, but she doesn't know what the plants are.
Amer-Larry: They're called cannabis.
Amer-Chrissy: Really? Oh, that's pretty.
He explains that it's marijuana, pot. They're shocked. And 3'sC28 goes to commercial.
To be continued....
Pageants: As 3's C opens, the TV is playing a beauty pageant. Janet asks why they're watching, and Chrissy says Jack has the remote control. He says they should look at the pageant as a self-improvement course.
I don't want to go into much detail about changes between fourth and fifth series MatH (such as opening and closing credits), but I do have to note that when Larry lets himself in, his hair looks blonder, and it suits him. This is a few minutes into the episode, but I can't talk about the earlier scenes yet. Bear with me while I sort this out.
Brit-Larry expected Robin to be watching the Miss Common Market Contest. He asks, "Have you gone queer or something?" He takes the remote, which in their case has a cord. The American remote looks clunky, but still, the technology has advanced a bit in those three years, or maybe the American trio just have more modern technology. (Remember, Robin was excited about colour TV not too long ago.)
I need to omit something I'll get back to. Then Larry says, "Wait till you see Miss Rome, knockers on her like a pair of" some word I don't catch. Jo says this is typical. Chrissy says the men think of women solely as sex objects. Larry denies it and then says, "Oh, look at the brains on that!" We briefly cut away for a scene with the Ropers that I'll tell you about in a bit.
Back in the U.S., Janet asks if Jack thinks of women purely as sex objects. He says of course not. He likes intelligence, too. Then he says of Miss Soybean, "Just look at the brains on that one." Janet looks down inside her robe at her own chest, then says, "I don't see where they got a sash big enough to fit her."
When we go back to the flat, Robin, who was rolling his eyes at Larry before, is now watching as closely as his mate is. Chrissy says she's surprised they found a sash to fit Miss Rome.
The French contestant is Miss Calais. Robin says he's been there. Larry is skeptical, but Robin means the town, not the girl.
Robin: Look at the legs on that.
Jo: I didn't know they were in the Common Market.
Robin: Yes, both of them.
Both Chrissys think the pageants are degrading and they'd like to see men prancing up and down like that. Jack/Robin says, "Anything to oblige."
Robin and Larry get to their feet. Robin, using a banana as a mic, says, "Welcome to the Finals of the Male Chauvinist Pig Contest, 1975." Larry, as Mr. South Kent, walks sultrily. He unbuttons his shirt. Robin says Larry looks simply ravishing in his filthy old jeans. "Let's hope Filthy Old Jean knows he's got them on."
Since Amer-Larry isn't visiting yet, Jack has to be both host and contestant. He grabs two oranges and turns his back to us. He says, "Ladies and Ladies, welcome to the first annual Male Chauvinist Pig Contest of 1978." He turns to show us how he's put the oranges down his shirt to make perky little breasts. "And here we have the very lovely and talented Mr. Pico Boulevard." He starts to strut. "Looking absolutely stunning in his pair of filthy jeans. And we'd like to thank Filthy Jean's for lending them to him." (It's possible it's Gene, but the joke works either way.)
First is deportment. Janet says, "He ought to be deported." Then Jack does a silly walk. Larry does an Igor walk, and then Chrissy says the "deported" line.
That's all we get of the categories on 3'sC, but Robin continues with the category of sex appeal, so Larry exposes a shoulder. Robin says Mr. South Kent wants to be a chorus boy.
The American doorbell rings and Jack answers since, "Honey, I'm up." It's Mr. Roper, who says, "Going on a date?" Jack slouches so that the oranges fall.
George comes in without knocking. He asks, "It's not a bad moment, is it?" Chrissy says, "No, it's about time you found out about Larry anyway."
How Does Your Garden Grow?: MatH31 opens with the question-less title shown over the plant-filled balcony we first saw on MatH21. Then we go to the kitchen, where Robin is washing up as the girls read, Chrissy a magazine and Jo a letter.
Jo is wearing a peasant dress with stripes and flowers. She says her Uncle Arthur died. He was the liveliest one in the family. Robin says death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. (I think this line might've ended up somewhere on 3'sC. I've heard it before anyway.)
Jo's mum writes that his last wish was to buried on top of Aunt Agnes, his wife. Chrissy thinks this is sweet, till Jo tells her that Agnes isn't dead yet.
Jo is going to go to the funeral. Her uncle was 83. Chrissy says he probably saw the first episode of Crossroads. (Actually, the soap had started airing in 1964, not all that long before this episode, at least compared to some American soaps.) But Jo says he never watched television, not after he lost his false teeth. Her flatmates are afraid to ask.
Jo asks if Chrissy has anything black she can borrow. Chrissy says just a see-through nightie, and that might put the vicar "off his stroke." (I can't find a definition online, so I'm just going to assume it means something like "throw him off," and has none of the sexual connotations that the word "stroke" might suggest.)
Robin has gone to answer the door, and he brings in Mrs. Roper. She wants to borrow a cup of fertiliser. She tells them about the upcoming exhibit for her flower arranging class. She says arranging flowers is a bit like cribbage. Chrissy gives her Lawn Green.
Jo: Wasn't he on Bonanza?
Robin: No, you're thinking of Fizens' (sp?) Ever Grow. He used to play the rancher.
Mrs. Roper laughs.
After she leaves, Robin has to ask why Uncle Arthur stopped watching television. Jo says no one could understand what he was talking about (because of the lost teeth). The post office kept giving him a dog licence (as opposed to a television licence). Robin tells Chrissy, "You know, sometimes I think she's having us on." The camera cuts to Jo looking amused and mischievous.
Then there's a scene at the Ropers' that I have to omit for the moment.
Effective: After George31/Stanley walks in on the pageantry, he says that the kids can use his garden. Brit-Chrissy/Janet calls it a jungle, usable for safaris. Stanley says Helen has been nagging him about it. She's gone nuts since she started taking a flower arranging course, and she wants home-grown flowers.
When George/Stanley expects the kids to take care of the garden, they understandably balk at this. He lists various reasons, including exercise. Then George points out that they're a month behind on the rent. (Again?) Stanley asks, "Who can't afford a raise in the rent?
Brit-Chrissy/Jack: Mr. Roper, there's a word for the sort of threat you just made....Effective.
Jo thinks tomorrow's a good day to start, since she's going to the funeral. But Janet says, "Goodbye, weekend," when she hears they'll be doing it tomorrow.
George says there's a lawnmower out there somewhere. Well, there was in 1947. If they find it, "tell the bloke next door. I borrowed it off of him."
After George leaves, Brit-Larry says that the garden is one of the few places they haven't looked for Martin Bormann. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Bormann ) Continuing the WW II theme, Brit-Larry/Jack says, "There are pockets of Japanese who don't know the war is over."
Robin says it's not that bad and it won't take that long.
Strange brew: MatH22 opens in the Ropers' kitchen. Mildred is in a purple pantsuit with a blue beaded necklace. George is brewing beer.
The second scene of 3'sC28 has Stanley brewing home-made beer in the living room, as Helen works on a flower arrangement. She says he ought to be out in the garden helping the kids instead. He hopes to sell his beer to the Regal Beagle. She says, "And poison Santa Monica?"
George/Stanley says that everything has been sterilised. Mildred asks, "When were you done?" He means the equipment. Helen says, "So that's your problem." The audience applauds.
George has been using ordinary household items for his equipment, like a bucket. He says of one item, "They're the best thing for when you're straining, nappy liners. There's a joke there somewhere."
George/Stanley says that the batch from two weeks ago is ready. She thinks this is why the bottles keep exploding.
George says they put a penny on the pint at the British Legion, which I think means what they're charging extra.
On the Road: In the second scene of MatH22, we're introduced to the plotline that the American writer-producers decided to ditch entirely. Robin is asking Chrissy questions out of The Highway Code. She does well, so he puts on an American game show host voice and asks, "Now do you want to double your money? And I mean that most sincerely." Chrissy is amused.
When asked where you can't park, she gives serious answers at first, then, "Outside at Tesco's. On top of another car. Inside a bus." He says, "Bus?" She says, "Lane," meaning bus lane.
Jo asks where you can park. He says you can't park anywhere. Chrissy will have to drive round in circles till she disappears up her own exhaust pipe. It's a new scheme to cut down on traffic.
Chrissy says she'll never learn all this in ten days. Jo and Robin make fun of her. She says to Jo, "At least at the end of it, I'll be able to drive a car. All you can drive is other people. Up the wall." She angrily exits to the lounge.
Robin says Jo shouldn't take the mickey out of Chrissy, "you can't have both of us doing it."
He goes in the lounge and says that he'll have Chrissy practise her throttling. She says, "Oh, don't tempt me."
He's brought in some tins, which he sets on the floor in front of the coffee table. He explains the system: Beans = clutch. Tuna fish = brake. Chunky chicken = throttle.
He says driving is like anything else. If you don't practise, you'll forget how.
Chrissy: Why do you always have to bring sex into everythig?
Robin: Sex? Sex? What's that, sex?
Chrissy: Oh, I see what you mean.
They sit on the coffee table. Jo brings in a dust pan with a scrub brush, for the gearstick.
At about the five-minute, 40-second point of the episode, Paula Wilcox almost breaks character. She's supposed to be annoyed with Robin's directions, but she looks like she's about to laugh.
As the "examiner," Robin says, "Give us a kiss and I'll pass you," but she doesn't take him up on it. As Robin narrates their journey, Jo says he lives in a little world of his own. He tells Chrissy, "Ignore that lady at the bus stop."
Robin says Chrissy forgot the hand signal.
Chrissy: I'll give you a hand signal in a minute.
Robin: Naughty!
Effeminate: The second scene of 3'sC28 continues, with Helen calling Stanley's brewing silly nonsense. He says it's better than her stupid flower-arranging course. She says it's not stupid, it's artistic. He says it's effeminate.
The second scene of MatH31 is set in the Ropers' kitchen. He pours tea as she works on a flower arrangement. He says that this flower nonsense is a bit effeminate.
Mildred says, "Well, I'm supposed to be effeminate. Just as you're supposed to be, er, emasculate." There's no indication she realises this is an insult. But after Helen says, "Well, I'm supposed to be effeminate. Just like you're emasculate," she throws her head back and cackles.
Mildred wants something green for her arrangement. George suggests the welly (wellington boot) he referred to earlier as being lost in the garden. When Helen wants something "tall and green and prickly," Stanley says, "How about your mother?" and does his patented grin at the camera.
The American scene ends there, but George criticises the flower-arranging class some more. He asks why she doesn't learn something useful, like brick-laying or welding. She says she's trying to meet a better class of people. He says it's news agents and greengrocers, the middle-class, walking around with their poodles and blue rinses, "and the women are just as bad."
Referring to an annoying habit he's indulging in right then, she says at least they don't drink tea out of the saucer. He asks if she wants him to stick his finger out while he's doing it. He calls her a snob and says last year she was taking elocution lessons.
He thinks she's also taking this class to aggravate his hay fever. She waves flowers under his nose. He doesn't like the money she's spending on the flowers. She says she wouldn't have to buy flowers if he cleared out that jungle of theirs.
This is where we came in: The third scene of MatH31 has Jo packing as Robin reads the newspaper on the settee. Chrissy says Jo's train doesn't leave till tomorrow, but Jo says, "Enough time isn't enough time for me. I need more than enough." Robin offers her the black armband he got for Southampton.
Then we get Larry coming in. But the part I had to omit is that after Larry questions Robin's sexuality, Robin tells him that Jo's uncle just died. Chrissy says he might show a bit of sympathy.
So Larry sets down the remote and stands up. He slowly and gently tells Jo, "It's at times like this that one's heart goes out to those that are left behind, as well as those that have gone before to a better world." Then he sits back down and says the line about Miss Rome's knockers.
The Ropers' scene I had to omit after "the brains on that" has Mildred saying that it's years since George worked on the garden, three years to be exact. If he fixed it up, they could invite people in. He mocks her, saying things like, "Have another cucumber sandwich, Lady Muck." She says they could invite George's friends, since there are plenty of trees for them to swing from. She waves a plant at him and giggles when he sneezes.
Then we go back upstairs and get the Male Chauvinist Pig Contest and Mr. Roper's effective threat and all.
Silver bells and cockle shells: After Robin says that the garden isn't that bad, we cut to an outdoor shot of Robin and Chrissy looking at the jungly garden. He's wearing a T-shirt with Snoopy dancing with Lucy, which says, "Close dancing is coming back." He says they need a machete, which is Spanish for "atom bomb." Music plays as they garden.
On 3'sC, it's an obviously fake set, with huge weeds. The girls are getting "bitten to death by bugs." Jack springs up when they think they've lost him. He dropped the insect repellent and found it under a pile of bugs, "they love this stuff." Janet slaps his face to get a mosquito. He cries, "Look, a caterpillar!" and playfully shakes her by the shoulders.
Amer-Chrissy worries about rats, but Jack says they all got eaten by the snakes. Chrissy panics and "kills" a garden hose with the hedge clippers. Jack clowns with the hose. Brit-Chrissy is calmer, just asking if there are snakes in the garden, and when Robin says no, telling him "then I've chopped the garden hose in half."
There's more slapstick on 3'sC, as Jack steps on a rake and hits himself in the face, dropping to the ground. On MatH, we see an ever-growing pile of junk, like old tires. And Robin breaks off the handle of the old lawnmower. (Poor neighbour, after loaning it for 28 years.)
Robin asks, "Chrissy, I haven't just stuck this garden fork through your foot, have I?" When she says no, he collapses in pain. Jack asks, "Chrissy, did I just stick this fork through your foot?" When she says no, he pulls it out of his own foot. He puts his fist to his mouth and the girls tend to him.
Hops: In the third scene of MatH22, we see George still brewing. Stanley is doing the same in the fourth scene of 3'sC28. Mildred/Helen reminds her husband to put in the eye of newt and tongue of bat. Stanley replies, "Can you spare them?"
Mildred thinks this is like when he repaneled the bath. It reminds Helen of when he painted the bathtub last month. Mrs. Roper says he should've warned her before she got in. Mr. Roper is amused by the memory. Mildred says she was stuck to the bottom.
Stanley: You should've seen your face when you stuck to the bottom.
Helen: It wasn't my face I was worried about.
Mrs. Roper wants to see how the beer turned out. As Helen puts it, "Let's have a look at what's gonna put Budweiser out of business." Mr. Roper pours a glass with a big head, noticeably larger on the British show. In fact, George's brew overflows the glass.
Mrs. Roper refuses to drink any, Helen using the youthful slang of "no way." Mrs. Roper says it has things swimming around in it. Mr. Roper says they're hops.
Mildred: All right, they're hopping around in it.
Helen: OK, so it has little things hopping around in it.
Mildred thinks George could drink the beer and be all claws and fangs. She asks where the insurance books are. Then she says hairs are growing on the back of his hand.
When Stanley drinks, he spits out the seeds. Helen asks where he keeps his insurance policy.
George/Stanley says it tastes sort of nutty. Mildred/Helen says, "Look who made it."
Lazy devil: On Math31, George watches from his kitchen window as Robin and Chrissy garden. He calls Robin a lazy devil, dancing about on one leg when he should be working.
Mildred is working on her flower arrangement. She wants George to take a bath. He says the exhibit isn't till 2. She says time has no meaning for him, once he gets in there and starts playing with his loofa. He says he's not going, but she says that the entire course has been leading up to this exhibition.
Robin and Chrissy let themselves in. Chrissy says there's just "a little weed" to be got rid of. Mildred says, "Yes, George, go and have your bath."
Janet taps on the open door. She looks exhausted. Chrissy and Jack follow, he leaning on her and limping. They're done for today and they'll finish up tomorrow.
Have a glass: Helen says Stanley should give the kids something for all the work they did. The three of them look at him hopefully. He offers the beer. The girls pass, but Jack takes a glass.
Returning to MatH22, after the "nutty" exchange, Robin knocks and lets himself into the kitchen. He wants to borrow their car again, for an hour. George says all right and hands him a glass.
Mildred says, "He made it himself, Love." When Helen tells Jack, his mouth is full. George says he strained the beer through Mildred's tights. She says they were new ones. Stanley says he strained the beer through a pair of Helen's stockings. She complains, "My best pair."
Jack drinks some more and spits out seeds. He says the beer is a little strong but not bad. Stanley gives him two bottles.
Robin says the beer isn't bad at all. Then there's a dissolve.
George is now telling a war story. After an air raid, he saw "Winnie." Robin asks if this is the girl George met in the land army. George means Churchill, who said, "The drain's have gone then?" Shortly after that, they started the second front. Robin wonders if the two were connected, but George wouldn't say that.
Mildred brings in Chrissy. George gives Robin the car keys. He offers Chrissy a glass, but she doesn't want it when she's driving. He gives her the little tip to put a quid in your driving licence. (As we'll see later, this comes in a little booklet, sort of like a passport, rather than just the card we'd have in America.)
After Robin and Chrissy leave, bickering, George says, "Nice lad that, goes on a bit."
He says the beer is strong stuff. He puts his arm around Mildred's waist and pulls her close. "Do you fancy an early night tonight then, Mildred?" She's surprised and delighted.
Accident: In the car, Chrissy forgets the clutch, then remembers it's beans. When she says mistakes can happen, Robin says, "I know, but you don't have to give it so much help."
He has her do a reverse turn around the corner. She drives on the sidewalk. There's a man carrying a bicycle. He drops the bike and she backs over it.
Two policeman are watching and calmly drinking from a thermos. One is named Arthur. (Yes, the writers were very fond of that name.) Although there are two of them, I think only one is credited, the one with sideboards, listed as "Policeman" and played by Ken Watson, who usually went by Kenneth. From 1956 to '94, he played a lot of policemen and the like, including, as we'll see in Part Two, on "How Does Your Garden Grow." He had an earlier appearance on MatH, with "It's Only Money," but he was the bank manager rather than one of the policemen.
The victim says he just put a new bulb on his bike. Chrissy says it wasn't all their fault, he didn't signal. He says you don't have to signal when you're coming out of your own garden gate. Robin agrees with him. The man is played by Harry Littlewood, then about 54, with credits ranging from 1959 to '91, including four characters on George & Mildred and two on Robin's Nest.
Chrissy is going to move the car forward but Robin does it to prevent further damage. Then the policeman asks to see his licence. The bicycle frame is broken in two, but Chrissy points out that the bulb still works.
"There's a pound note in here, Sir." Robin says he doesn't have a wallet and it's lucky the policeman is honest.
The man tries to say that Chrissy is the one who hit the bike, but the cop is more concerned that Robin might've been drinking. He says Robin will have to take a breath test. And MatH22 breaks for adverts.
Another unwise gift: Back in the gardening plots, Brit-Chrissy wants to take some plants upstairs. George wants to charge her a quid for the lot, but Mildred won't allow that. Neither Mildred nor Chrissy knows what one plant is called. Chrissy offers it to Mildred, who says it's exactly what she needs for her flower arrangement.
Helen admires Amer-Chrissy's wildflower bouquet. She says it's exactly what she needs for her arrangement. Chrissy gives her some of it. Helen says there's going to be an arts & crafts exhibit at the school.
George comes back in because he can't find his rubber duck. Mildred says it's with his shower cap.
The Amer-trio are about to leave, the girls wishing Mrs. Roper good luck and Jack telling Mr. Roper, "Hey, thanks for the suds." Then Mr. Roper burps. His wife looks exasperated. The trio hesitate by the door.
Market: Upstairs, Robin says another sixteenth of an inch and he'd have lost his favourite toe, the little piggy that went to the market. It didn't stay home or have roast beef or anything. "It boldly went where no pig went before. To market!"
Jack, who's spraying on some kind of disinfectant, says that another millimeter to the left and he would've lost his toe. Chrissy says it's only bruised. (It's funny that Jack goes metric when Robin doesn't. But back in '78 there was a big push for the metric system in the U.S. I still fondly remember seeing a play around that time, called Take Me to Your Liter, I Want to Meter.)
Janet, who's wearing bellbottom jeans, reties her denim shirt. She's going over to her friend Marilyn's, because she promised to help her move this afternoon. (Poor Janet, not much of a relaxing weekend.) Jack asks her to pick him up a packet of assorted toes.
After Janet leaves, Chrissy says Jack is making too big a fuss. He says this is his favorite toe, the little piggy who went to market, but he doesn't make a comedy routine out of it.
Brit-Larry knocks and lets himself in. Amer-Larry knocks on the door that Janet left open. Jack observes, "You're up early. It's only noon."
Brit-Larry wants to return a packet of fags, the ones he's going to borrow. He can't return them if Robin won't lend them, but Robin won't cooperate. Since hardly anyone smokes on the American show, this Larry is worried about the five bucks he owes Jack. When Jack says Larry doesn't owe him anything, Larry says he will when Jack lends it to him. At first Jack says no way, but then he gives in because he has no resistance when his toe is dying. Larry says, "Make it ten bucks, I'll send a wreath."
Brit-Chrissy asks where Larry was while they were slaving away. He says he was there in spirit, but he's got a lazy body.
Brit-Larry looks at the very tall plant Chrissy brought up from the garden. He says it's pot, hash, cannabis, marijuana. Robin and Chrissy look at each other and then at Larry. MatH31 goes to its advert break.
Amer-Larry looks at Chrissy's bouquet and asks where she got it. She says Roper's garden, but she doesn't know what the plants are.
Amer-Larry: They're called cannabis.
Amer-Chrissy: Really? Oh, that's pretty.
He explains that it's marijuana, pot. They're shocked. And 3'sC28 goes to commercial.
To be continued....
Friday, May 13, 2011
"Home & Away"
I thought that the title of this episode, which aired on 6 March 1975, was a reference to the Aussie soap, but that apparently didn't start till '87. It could be a reference to a 1956 British drama about an ordinary working-class man who wins the football pools. Robin is not that lucky.
Credits: The opening credits are mostly new. We again get a close-up of Big Ben and then a cut to Robin driving an old-fashioned car. But this time when they pull up to the zoo, we see a meter maid. She shakes her head because Robin has squeezed the car into a space that a very small car is using.
The trio stroll around the zoo, and we see the elephant and monkey again, but without any comparisons to the trio yet. There's also a bear.
This time when the trio go to the zoo cafe, Robin eats a burger, and we cut to a tiger eating raw meat. Chrissy eating a sandwich becomes a giraffe. And when Jo tosses a grape into her mouth, the shot switches to a seal catching a fish.
Two tickets: In the first scene, the girls are reading in the kitchen, Jo the newspaper and Chrissy a book called Indoor Plants. Robin is offscreen, singing a song I don't recognise. Chrissy is annoyed, so Jo suggests she stuff cotton wool in her ears. Chrissy says she'd rather stuff Robin's mouth with cotton wool.
Chrissy says Robin has just run through the Top 20 of 1930. (This confirms my theory that the show likes to make references to older music more than current.) Jo says, "Imagine what the Bottom 20 must be like." When Chrissy says Robin is driving her crazy, Jo correctly predicts that Robin will turn this into a song. (I remember a similar joke on 3'sC, but I can't place it at the moment.)
When Chrissy goes to an area off to the side of the kitchen (upstage right), Jo tells Robin that Chrissy doesn't like the sound of his voice. He says, "How do you think I feel? I was stuck in there with it."
He's very cheerful, and the audience starts laughing as he talks. When he says that all the women will be at his feet today, saying, "Take me, take me!", Jo says, "You'll be ready for them." It turns out he has his zipper down.
Jo has made toast, and even that makes Robin happy. He's got two tickets for the Southampton match. They're playing Arsenal, whom Chrissy likes.
Jo says it's a really silly game. Robin says to "just imagine being chased by eleven butch men...All trying to dispossess you and then scoring." Giggling, Jo says, "They'd have to catch me first.
Cobblers: Out on the never-before-seen balcony, Chrissy is talking to the plants, which explains her reading choice in the kitchen. It gives her something in common with Janet, although she's a secretary rather than a florist. When Robin goes out there and takes the mickey out of her, she says that science has proven that plants respond to the sound of the human voice. So he takes a plant out of its pot and speaks into it with a radio voice, as if it's a mic.
The ivy plant isn't doing as well. Robin says that the cat next door has been performing the rather unfeline act of cocking its leg on it.
He invites Chrissy to the match. She doesn't like the way he swears when the other side scores. He says that science has proven that Southampton players respond to the sound of the human voice. He also says something about kicking them in the cobblers and running for it. Since "cobblers" comes from Cockney rhyming slang for "balls" (from "cobbler's awl"), she says this is what she means about his swearing.
She agrees to go to the match since Arsenal are playing. When she asks why he's inviting her, he says he was thinking they could stay the night. She says they'll catch the return train. Or better yet, they can borrow Roper's car.
Wig: Downstairs at the Ropers', they talk about televison. They have a black & white set. Mildred's sister has had a colour set for six years. It has a 26" screen. Her sister can change channels without moving from her armchair. Goerge says so can he, by getting Mildred to do it. (Television remotes actually date back to 1950, but they were still very primitive in the mid '70s.)
The postman comes at 10. While George is getting the post, Mildred tells the budgie that George still owes the postman and several others their Christmas boxes. She calls George a "mingy little toad," which is possibly worse than Robin calling him "a mingy little ferret."
George has ordered a hairpiece. She wants him to try it on. He makes her promise not to laugh, but she can't help it.
Scrounger: Larry drops by the trio's flat, calling himself their friendly neighbourhood scrounger. He goes in before Jo greets him. Robin says he's always on the borrow. Larry says he gave them something last week. Chrissy says it was the flu.
He asks Robin if he's decided on the hotel. Chrissy tells him that they're not staying overnight. "If he gave you that impression...." Larry says, "Nah, nah, no, nothing like that. Should be a good match, he said, changing the subject quickly."
12 pound 50: While George is out of the room, putting on the wig, Mildred reads the information that came with it. She says he can swim in it. "That'll be interesting. You couldn't swim before." (As we learned on the previous epiosde.)
George enters in a wavy wig roughly the colour of his own red hair. Mildred stares. The audience is delighted. He says it cost 12 pound 50, including tax. She thinks he tacked it on, but he means VAT (Value Added Tax).
She finds the wig very weird. She says, "You've got more now than when I first met you." (And that would've been at least 30 years ago, since they met during the war.) He says this is "the real me, younger." She says he's got a little old face peeking out from a young head. He thinks being bald has held him back.
Someone knocks. He hides behind the newspaper as she lets in Chrissy, who asks to borrow the car. Mildred says OK and asks George what he thinks, taking away his paper. Chrissy tries not to react to the wig.
He says Southampton is a long way to drive. She says it's a good match. He touches his head, thinking she means the wig. Probably to get rid of her, he agrees to loan the car. She says they should be back tonight, and she leaves. He tells Mildred that he doesn't think Chrissy even noticed.
Short and curly: When Chrissy returns to the flat, Robin tells her that Larry has gone upstairs to get his Arsenal scarf. "You'll need it to hang yourself when we thrash the living daylights out of you."
She tells him and Jo about the wig. They're very amused. Robin says perhaps it's a transplant. Chrissy asks, "Where from? He didn't have a lot to begin with." Robin says it could be lots of places, and asks if it was short and curly. Chrissy doesn't seem to understand.
Jo says maybe Mr. Roper has let his sideboards (sideburns) grow and knotted them all together on top.
Mr. Roper knocks and lets himself in. He hands over the carkeys. Robin and Jo try not to stare at his wig. Mr. Roper asks if they've noticed anything different about him. They all protest no, then Chrissy asks if he's got a new cardigan.
Larry comes in and stares, exclaiming, "Gorblimey!" Then he pretends he's talking about the wallpaper.
Robin and Chrissy excuse themselves since they don't want to be late for the match. Mr. Roper says it wasn't easy to put on properly. He had to use strip paste and fill the cracks in with poly filler. Larry says, "Oh, the wallpaper, yeah."
Jo, as direct as ever, says, "Mr. Roper, I must ask you, is that a toupee?" When he admits it, she says, "Oh, I'd never have known." He's flattered and then confused.
Young: Downstairs later, George is reluctant to go to the pub because he feels shy about his wig. And he doesn't understand why Mildred wanted the kids to borrow the car. She says that they're young and they want to get out and enjoy themselves.
So we switch to an exterior of Chrissy steering the car as Robin pushes it. Then we cut between them and eight bikers, till the bikers catch up with them, driving on either side and yelling incoherent but probably rude things. After they drive on, Robin flips them off British style. And we cut to an advert.
AA: When we return, Robin is looking under the bonnet (hood) of the car. Chrissy is eating something from a sack, probably a snack they brought to eat at the match. She says the problem could be the fanbelt, since she at least knows where that is.
He says that if the car were a horse, he'd shoot it. She pours him something out of the thermos. She says they might be stuck here all night. He smiles.
They're right by a phone box, so she wants him to call the AA, not Alcoholics Anonymous but the British equivalent of Triple A. He says he's not a member. She says he could offer to join. He says it costs five quid, and the car isn't worth that.
He wants to hitch to Southampton. She worries people will pinch (steal) parts of the abandoned car. She suggests they phone Roper. Robin would rather find a small hotel and stay the night. She says, "You never give up, do you?" So he'll call Roper, but he'll be at the pub this time of day.
Hair: In the pub, Larry is talking about the Southampton team. He says that the back four expose themselves, leave themselves wide open, vulnerable to sudden attack. Jo takes this suggestively and says, "They would be."
The nameless barman is played by John Carlin, formerly Larry's prissy landlord. He's almost unrecognisable in this costume and with different mannerisms. He'll go on to five more episodes in that role, mostly in this fourth series. Here, he asks something about who on the Arsenal forward side can take advantage. Jo tells Larry, "Don't answer that because it's libelous."
We switch over to a table where the Ropers are sitting. He's wearing a tam o'shanter over his wig. Mildred takes off the hat. She wants a gin and tonic, so he goes over to the bar and orders a small one. She changes it to large.
Jo, in whispers, compliments Mr. Roper's wig. He feels self-conscious and wants her to change the subject. So she asks the Ropers if they're going to the Litle Theatre next week. Mrs. Roper asks what's on. Jo says, "Oh, it's that," and points to the poster for the Kensington Players' production of Hair. She covers her laughter with her hand, and Larry and Mildred try not to laugh.
Wigan: The barman answers the phone, and we get reconfirmation that this is the White Swan. (I don't know why they stopped going to the Mucky Duck.) We cut back and forth between the pub and the stranded couple. Robin asks to speak to George Roper, describing him as a little ratty fellow, of 4'3". Chrissy adds that Mr. Roper is wearing a wig. The barman calls for a George Wigan.
Robin repeats Mr. Roper's name and describes the wig as a "ridiculous curly ginger thing. Oh, hello, Mr. Roper." He tells Mr. Roper that the car made a terrible noise. Chrissy imitates it and Robin imitates her. They decide to let him listen to the noise himself. In the funniest line of the episode, George tells Mildred, "They've got the car in the phone box with 'em."
Robin starts the car and Chrissy holds out the phone. After listening, Mr. Roper says it's difficult to say. The operator asks for 2p, which Robin and Chrissy don't have. George tells them it's probably the carburetor and they'll have to strip it down, but they've already been disconnected.
As George is turning, a man named Mike spills four beers on his head. Mike is played by Michael Redfern, the bigger removal man on the previous episode, as well as Tom from "Match of the Day." He'd go on to play a policeman on both Robin's Nest and George & Mildred, as well as The Young Ones and several other programmes. Here, he and George yell at each other, ending with him saying, "Keep your hair on!"
Scarves: It's now gotten dark and Chrissy is complaining. She says they could be there all night. He says, "Not both of us, 'cause I'm gonna strangle you."
When he wants her to start the car, she thinks it won't work.
Robin: You've got no faith in me, have you?
Chrissy: How can I put it? No.
When it doesn't work, she says he's not a mechanic, he's a cookery student, and he could probably casserole the carburetor beautifully.
The bikers return. They hope that the bikers didn't see Robin give them the V sign. He tells her to keep her sense of humour, and if that fails?
Chrissy: Kick them in the--
Robin: Yes.
Robin sees the bikers' Arsenal scarves, like Chrissy is wearing, so he takes her Arsenal rosette.
The leader asks if they passed the couple five hours ago. Robin denies it. Chrissy says they were on their way to the match. The leader says they missed a great match, four-nil. Robin says, "Good team, Arsenal."
Chrissy says she thought he was a Southampton fan. The leader finds Robin's Southampton scarf, but he says it's not his. He borrowed it from a friend, his Kung Fu teacher.
Another biker looks under the bonnet and says the fanbelt is slipping. His name is Sid and he'll mend their car. They need a temporary fanbelt, so Robin offers the Southampton scarf.
These two bikers with lines are played by Hilary Minster and Drew Wood. The former actor also played a motorcyclist on The Long Chase, but he wasn't typecast, since he also appeared on Dr. Who and a 1977 miniseries of Anna Karenina, as well as 59 appearances as General Erich von Klinkerhoffen in 'Allo, Allo! Drew Wood had much fewer credits, ranging from '67 to '77, the last as a motorcyclist, and he, too, appeared on Dr. Who.
Two of the nicest: In the next scene, the Ropers are in their bedclothes. His wig shrunk. She says he shouldn't have dried it in the oven. She suggests he give it to the budgie as a nest.
Robin and Chrissy knock, then let themselves in. They return the keys and say that they were rescued by Mad Mick and Sid the Scratcher, two of the nicest Hell's Angels you could ever hope to meet. Robin says they had the tights off Chrissy. She says that was to use as a fanbelt.
Before they leave, Chrissy tells Mr. Roper, "Oh, er, I think it looks really nice." Mildred is amused since George is no longer wearing the wig.
Quirk: The funniest part of the episode is only three seconds long and was probably not as funny before the days when viewers could freeze-frame. Larry and Jo are playing Scrabble and the scene opens with a shot of the board upside-down.
The across words:
"orifice," "quirk," "anal," "who," "pubic," "smear," "ire," "teat," "rig," and "toss."
Reading down we get:
"dun," "okapi," "fellate," "ethyl," "pist" [sic], "breast," "cervix," "eo," "tit," and "ego."
Even if you want to assume that Jo is playing the less dirty words (with E-O tying in with "ethyl," since it could stand for "Ethelyne Oxide"), that still means only about eight words out of twenty. What makes it even funnier is none of the characters comments on this, like they just take it for granted. And the audience doesn't even react, like they did to Robin's zipper.
When Robin and Chrissy come in, Larry and Jo tell them about the match. Larry and Jo watched it on the telly because it was on Match of the Day.
Commentary: It's surprising that Robin and Chrissy borrow Roper's car, knowing how crappy it is. Perhaps subconsciously Chrissy hoped it would break down, although she still doesn't want to go to a hotel with Robin. And it's funny that they're going to Southampton and it doesn't occur to them to phone his parents to ask to stay with them. I do like that Robin's fanship for the Southampton team has stayed consistent since the first episode.
As for the subplot, I never really thought of George as bald, since he's less balding than Stanley Roper. On the other hand, I can't imagine Stanley buying a wig, since he's not insecure about his looks. (Janet is the one who buys a wig on 3'sC, but to try being a blonde.) Still, the subplot could've been more easily Americanized than the main plot, since none of the girls would've gone to see a game alone with Jack. (Not to mention that 3'sC, like most American sitcoms of its time, just didn't use exterior shots.)
One thing we learn in this episode is that Jo is not as innocent as she seems. Not only does she start thinking of football in sexual terms, but she's perfectly happy to play dirty-word Scrabble alone in the flat with Larry. Again, I wonder if the show was setting up Jo & Larry as a potential secondary couple, or if it just made sense to have them hang out together when Robin & Chrissy are off doing things.
Another notable aspect of this episode is that the tenants and landlords are getting less formal with each other, letting themselves into each other's flats more, as if they're all one big household.
Credits: The opening credits are mostly new. We again get a close-up of Big Ben and then a cut to Robin driving an old-fashioned car. But this time when they pull up to the zoo, we see a meter maid. She shakes her head because Robin has squeezed the car into a space that a very small car is using.
The trio stroll around the zoo, and we see the elephant and monkey again, but without any comparisons to the trio yet. There's also a bear.
This time when the trio go to the zoo cafe, Robin eats a burger, and we cut to a tiger eating raw meat. Chrissy eating a sandwich becomes a giraffe. And when Jo tosses a grape into her mouth, the shot switches to a seal catching a fish.
Two tickets: In the first scene, the girls are reading in the kitchen, Jo the newspaper and Chrissy a book called Indoor Plants. Robin is offscreen, singing a song I don't recognise. Chrissy is annoyed, so Jo suggests she stuff cotton wool in her ears. Chrissy says she'd rather stuff Robin's mouth with cotton wool.
Chrissy says Robin has just run through the Top 20 of 1930. (This confirms my theory that the show likes to make references to older music more than current.) Jo says, "Imagine what the Bottom 20 must be like." When Chrissy says Robin is driving her crazy, Jo correctly predicts that Robin will turn this into a song. (I remember a similar joke on 3'sC, but I can't place it at the moment.)
When Chrissy goes to an area off to the side of the kitchen (upstage right), Jo tells Robin that Chrissy doesn't like the sound of his voice. He says, "How do you think I feel? I was stuck in there with it."
He's very cheerful, and the audience starts laughing as he talks. When he says that all the women will be at his feet today, saying, "Take me, take me!", Jo says, "You'll be ready for them." It turns out he has his zipper down.
Jo has made toast, and even that makes Robin happy. He's got two tickets for the Southampton match. They're playing Arsenal, whom Chrissy likes.
Jo says it's a really silly game. Robin says to "just imagine being chased by eleven butch men...All trying to dispossess you and then scoring." Giggling, Jo says, "They'd have to catch me first.
Cobblers: Out on the never-before-seen balcony, Chrissy is talking to the plants, which explains her reading choice in the kitchen. It gives her something in common with Janet, although she's a secretary rather than a florist. When Robin goes out there and takes the mickey out of her, she says that science has proven that plants respond to the sound of the human voice. So he takes a plant out of its pot and speaks into it with a radio voice, as if it's a mic.
The ivy plant isn't doing as well. Robin says that the cat next door has been performing the rather unfeline act of cocking its leg on it.
He invites Chrissy to the match. She doesn't like the way he swears when the other side scores. He says that science has proven that Southampton players respond to the sound of the human voice. He also says something about kicking them in the cobblers and running for it. Since "cobblers" comes from Cockney rhyming slang for "balls" (from "cobbler's awl"), she says this is what she means about his swearing.
She agrees to go to the match since Arsenal are playing. When she asks why he's inviting her, he says he was thinking they could stay the night. She says they'll catch the return train. Or better yet, they can borrow Roper's car.
Wig: Downstairs at the Ropers', they talk about televison. They have a black & white set. Mildred's sister has had a colour set for six years. It has a 26" screen. Her sister can change channels without moving from her armchair. Goerge says so can he, by getting Mildred to do it. (Television remotes actually date back to 1950, but they were still very primitive in the mid '70s.)
The postman comes at 10. While George is getting the post, Mildred tells the budgie that George still owes the postman and several others their Christmas boxes. She calls George a "mingy little toad," which is possibly worse than Robin calling him "a mingy little ferret."
George has ordered a hairpiece. She wants him to try it on. He makes her promise not to laugh, but she can't help it.
Scrounger: Larry drops by the trio's flat, calling himself their friendly neighbourhood scrounger. He goes in before Jo greets him. Robin says he's always on the borrow. Larry says he gave them something last week. Chrissy says it was the flu.
He asks Robin if he's decided on the hotel. Chrissy tells him that they're not staying overnight. "If he gave you that impression...." Larry says, "Nah, nah, no, nothing like that. Should be a good match, he said, changing the subject quickly."
12 pound 50: While George is out of the room, putting on the wig, Mildred reads the information that came with it. She says he can swim in it. "That'll be interesting. You couldn't swim before." (As we learned on the previous epiosde.)
George enters in a wavy wig roughly the colour of his own red hair. Mildred stares. The audience is delighted. He says it cost 12 pound 50, including tax. She thinks he tacked it on, but he means VAT (Value Added Tax).
She finds the wig very weird. She says, "You've got more now than when I first met you." (And that would've been at least 30 years ago, since they met during the war.) He says this is "the real me, younger." She says he's got a little old face peeking out from a young head. He thinks being bald has held him back.
Someone knocks. He hides behind the newspaper as she lets in Chrissy, who asks to borrow the car. Mildred says OK and asks George what he thinks, taking away his paper. Chrissy tries not to react to the wig.
He says Southampton is a long way to drive. She says it's a good match. He touches his head, thinking she means the wig. Probably to get rid of her, he agrees to loan the car. She says they should be back tonight, and she leaves. He tells Mildred that he doesn't think Chrissy even noticed.
Short and curly: When Chrissy returns to the flat, Robin tells her that Larry has gone upstairs to get his Arsenal scarf. "You'll need it to hang yourself when we thrash the living daylights out of you."
She tells him and Jo about the wig. They're very amused. Robin says perhaps it's a transplant. Chrissy asks, "Where from? He didn't have a lot to begin with." Robin says it could be lots of places, and asks if it was short and curly. Chrissy doesn't seem to understand.
Jo says maybe Mr. Roper has let his sideboards (sideburns) grow and knotted them all together on top.
Mr. Roper knocks and lets himself in. He hands over the carkeys. Robin and Jo try not to stare at his wig. Mr. Roper asks if they've noticed anything different about him. They all protest no, then Chrissy asks if he's got a new cardigan.
Larry comes in and stares, exclaiming, "Gorblimey!" Then he pretends he's talking about the wallpaper.
Robin and Chrissy excuse themselves since they don't want to be late for the match. Mr. Roper says it wasn't easy to put on properly. He had to use strip paste and fill the cracks in with poly filler. Larry says, "Oh, the wallpaper, yeah."
Jo, as direct as ever, says, "Mr. Roper, I must ask you, is that a toupee?" When he admits it, she says, "Oh, I'd never have known." He's flattered and then confused.
Young: Downstairs later, George is reluctant to go to the pub because he feels shy about his wig. And he doesn't understand why Mildred wanted the kids to borrow the car. She says that they're young and they want to get out and enjoy themselves.
So we switch to an exterior of Chrissy steering the car as Robin pushes it. Then we cut between them and eight bikers, till the bikers catch up with them, driving on either side and yelling incoherent but probably rude things. After they drive on, Robin flips them off British style. And we cut to an advert.
AA: When we return, Robin is looking under the bonnet (hood) of the car. Chrissy is eating something from a sack, probably a snack they brought to eat at the match. She says the problem could be the fanbelt, since she at least knows where that is.
He says that if the car were a horse, he'd shoot it. She pours him something out of the thermos. She says they might be stuck here all night. He smiles.
They're right by a phone box, so she wants him to call the AA, not Alcoholics Anonymous but the British equivalent of Triple A. He says he's not a member. She says he could offer to join. He says it costs five quid, and the car isn't worth that.
He wants to hitch to Southampton. She worries people will pinch (steal) parts of the abandoned car. She suggests they phone Roper. Robin would rather find a small hotel and stay the night. She says, "You never give up, do you?" So he'll call Roper, but he'll be at the pub this time of day.
Hair: In the pub, Larry is talking about the Southampton team. He says that the back four expose themselves, leave themselves wide open, vulnerable to sudden attack. Jo takes this suggestively and says, "They would be."
The nameless barman is played by John Carlin, formerly Larry's prissy landlord. He's almost unrecognisable in this costume and with different mannerisms. He'll go on to five more episodes in that role, mostly in this fourth series. Here, he asks something about who on the Arsenal forward side can take advantage. Jo tells Larry, "Don't answer that because it's libelous."
We switch over to a table where the Ropers are sitting. He's wearing a tam o'shanter over his wig. Mildred takes off the hat. She wants a gin and tonic, so he goes over to the bar and orders a small one. She changes it to large.
Jo, in whispers, compliments Mr. Roper's wig. He feels self-conscious and wants her to change the subject. So she asks the Ropers if they're going to the Litle Theatre next week. Mrs. Roper asks what's on. Jo says, "Oh, it's that," and points to the poster for the Kensington Players' production of Hair. She covers her laughter with her hand, and Larry and Mildred try not to laugh.
Wigan: The barman answers the phone, and we get reconfirmation that this is the White Swan. (I don't know why they stopped going to the Mucky Duck.) We cut back and forth between the pub and the stranded couple. Robin asks to speak to George Roper, describing him as a little ratty fellow, of 4'3". Chrissy adds that Mr. Roper is wearing a wig. The barman calls for a George Wigan.
Robin repeats Mr. Roper's name and describes the wig as a "ridiculous curly ginger thing. Oh, hello, Mr. Roper." He tells Mr. Roper that the car made a terrible noise. Chrissy imitates it and Robin imitates her. They decide to let him listen to the noise himself. In the funniest line of the episode, George tells Mildred, "They've got the car in the phone box with 'em."
Robin starts the car and Chrissy holds out the phone. After listening, Mr. Roper says it's difficult to say. The operator asks for 2p, which Robin and Chrissy don't have. George tells them it's probably the carburetor and they'll have to strip it down, but they've already been disconnected.
As George is turning, a man named Mike spills four beers on his head. Mike is played by Michael Redfern, the bigger removal man on the previous episode, as well as Tom from "Match of the Day." He'd go on to play a policeman on both Robin's Nest and George & Mildred, as well as The Young Ones and several other programmes. Here, he and George yell at each other, ending with him saying, "Keep your hair on!"
Scarves: It's now gotten dark and Chrissy is complaining. She says they could be there all night. He says, "Not both of us, 'cause I'm gonna strangle you."
When he wants her to start the car, she thinks it won't work.
Robin: You've got no faith in me, have you?
Chrissy: How can I put it? No.
When it doesn't work, she says he's not a mechanic, he's a cookery student, and he could probably casserole the carburetor beautifully.
The bikers return. They hope that the bikers didn't see Robin give them the V sign. He tells her to keep her sense of humour, and if that fails?
Chrissy: Kick them in the--
Robin: Yes.
Robin sees the bikers' Arsenal scarves, like Chrissy is wearing, so he takes her Arsenal rosette.
The leader asks if they passed the couple five hours ago. Robin denies it. Chrissy says they were on their way to the match. The leader says they missed a great match, four-nil. Robin says, "Good team, Arsenal."
Chrissy says she thought he was a Southampton fan. The leader finds Robin's Southampton scarf, but he says it's not his. He borrowed it from a friend, his Kung Fu teacher.
Another biker looks under the bonnet and says the fanbelt is slipping. His name is Sid and he'll mend their car. They need a temporary fanbelt, so Robin offers the Southampton scarf.
These two bikers with lines are played by Hilary Minster and Drew Wood. The former actor also played a motorcyclist on The Long Chase, but he wasn't typecast, since he also appeared on Dr. Who and a 1977 miniseries of Anna Karenina, as well as 59 appearances as General Erich von Klinkerhoffen in 'Allo, Allo! Drew Wood had much fewer credits, ranging from '67 to '77, the last as a motorcyclist, and he, too, appeared on Dr. Who.
Two of the nicest: In the next scene, the Ropers are in their bedclothes. His wig shrunk. She says he shouldn't have dried it in the oven. She suggests he give it to the budgie as a nest.
Robin and Chrissy knock, then let themselves in. They return the keys and say that they were rescued by Mad Mick and Sid the Scratcher, two of the nicest Hell's Angels you could ever hope to meet. Robin says they had the tights off Chrissy. She says that was to use as a fanbelt.
Before they leave, Chrissy tells Mr. Roper, "Oh, er, I think it looks really nice." Mildred is amused since George is no longer wearing the wig.
Quirk: The funniest part of the episode is only three seconds long and was probably not as funny before the days when viewers could freeze-frame. Larry and Jo are playing Scrabble and the scene opens with a shot of the board upside-down.
The across words:
"orifice," "quirk," "anal," "who," "pubic," "smear," "ire," "teat," "rig," and "toss."
Reading down we get:
"dun," "okapi," "fellate," "ethyl," "pist" [sic], "breast," "cervix," "eo," "tit," and "ego."
Even if you want to assume that Jo is playing the less dirty words (with E-O tying in with "ethyl," since it could stand for "Ethelyne Oxide"), that still means only about eight words out of twenty. What makes it even funnier is none of the characters comments on this, like they just take it for granted. And the audience doesn't even react, like they did to Robin's zipper.
When Robin and Chrissy come in, Larry and Jo tell them about the match. Larry and Jo watched it on the telly because it was on Match of the Day.
Commentary: It's surprising that Robin and Chrissy borrow Roper's car, knowing how crappy it is. Perhaps subconsciously Chrissy hoped it would break down, although she still doesn't want to go to a hotel with Robin. And it's funny that they're going to Southampton and it doesn't occur to them to phone his parents to ask to stay with them. I do like that Robin's fanship for the Southampton team has stayed consistent since the first episode.
As for the subplot, I never really thought of George as bald, since he's less balding than Stanley Roper. On the other hand, I can't imagine Stanley buying a wig, since he's not insecure about his looks. (Janet is the one who buys a wig on 3'sC, but to try being a blonde.) Still, the subplot could've been more easily Americanized than the main plot, since none of the girls would've gone to see a game alone with Jack. (Not to mention that 3'sC, like most American sitcoms of its time, just didn't use exterior shots.)
One thing we learn in this episode is that Jo is not as innocent as she seems. Not only does she start thinking of football in sexual terms, but she's perfectly happy to play dirty-word Scrabble alone in the flat with Larry. Again, I wonder if the show was setting up Jo & Larry as a potential secondary couple, or if it just made sense to have them hang out together when Robin & Chrissy are off doing things.
Another notable aspect of this episode is that the tenants and landlords are getting less formal with each other, letting themselves into each other's flats more, as if they're all one big household.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Movie, Appraisal
Foundation: One reason this movie seems to be set earlier is that the three-year lease had just expired on "We Shall Not Be Moved," which aired the month before the movie hit theatres. But the main way this movie feels like it takes place before MatH20 is that Larry is still living at Mr. Gideon's, even though he moved out on MatH13. Obviously, movies take longer to shoot than television shows, but you'd think that the writers might've spoken to each other about some of the major developments. Actually, the movie was written by Brian Cooke and Johnnie Mortimer, who wrote the little-screen episodes, and they probably figured that it helped fill out the block if Larry's house was one of the six. For those keeping score at home, we don't know who lives in #1 or #2, the first houses to be sold to Spiros.
The main way the movie feels like it takes place too far in the future is Robin and Chrissy's relationship. You've got the theme song talking about Chrissy's feelings, and she and Robin seem to go further physically than before, unless more happened on "While the Cat's Away" than we were shown. Yes, it's just necking, but it's a start and might've led to more if they hadn't been interrupted. Chrissy's two selves, old-fashioned farm girl and sophisticated city girl, continue to fight each other in the midst of the sexual revolution. (Of course, Chrissy's farm girl side has seen the animals do things, so she's not that innocent.)
As for the ways this seems to be set in a parallel universe, there are many. The first is that there's no audience or laugh track, so the rhythm of the movie feels off. There are some funny lines, like the one about giving children to dogs' charities, but things don't seem to build as well as they do on television. The "pair" exchange during the strip poker game feels like it needs laughter for punctuation.
In place of the laughter, we get music at odd moments, only once explained as being from a record. The music gives a corny, overly old-fashioned touch to the movie, especially when it's soft music for Robin trying to seduce Chrissy.
Also the design of the sets is disorienting, both the placing of the rooms and their decoration, with the clothes not harmonising well, like Jo's pink floral outfit clashing horribly with the purple lounge and a blue lamp or vase.
Tenants: Parallel-Universe Chrissy cooks breakfast, while she never cooks on the show. PU Jo is still a rotten cook though. I like that we see PU Robin at not only school but work. It's also a nice touch to make Larry a waiter. This allows them to help Chrissy get revenge on Pluthero for his greed.
PU Chrissy being a card shark is a definite contradiction of "Three of a Kind." Her probably being good at chess but pretending otherwise is very different behaviour than in MatH19, where she gloated to Jo about beating Robin at chess.
PU Larry is more flirtatious, not only actually asking Jo out, but blowing a kiss to Mrs. Roper. The whole thing with his car is unlike anything on the programme, and seems to be there, one, to open things up a bit and make them more cinematic; two, to give him an opportunity to spend time with Jo while Robin and Chrissy have their alone time; and three, to give the trio a reason to be annoyed with him. The thing is though, I feel sorry for Larry. Yes, he clumsily tries to seduce Jo, but he's a gentleman about it when she says no. Yes, he's a bad driver, but that's no excuse for Jo to take the wheel and then drive them into the lake. And, yes, he interrupted Robin and Chrissy's date, but Jo had to come home sometime, and anyway, they were supposed to be working on the petition and it's not like Robin told Larry to keep Jo out as late as possible. OK, Jo has frog spawn in her bra, but she damaged Larry's car. And then the three of them and Mrs. Roper drive off in his car, without even asking his permission, while he's under the car and could've been injured! Nothing he does in any universe excuses this sort of treatment.
The most important difference for PU Mildred is that her army sergeant is not an American but a Brit who's working in London. There's a strong suggestion that they'll take up with each other again, her "compensation," or at least happily reminisce, with him as her "boarder." With this, the Edmund & Hazel plot, and Pluthero's ambiguous marital status while he's seducing/ being seduced by Miss Bird, the attitude towards adultery in this movie is much more casual than on the show. But then there's a lot more suggested nudity, too, and we never actually see anything.
The thing about the Ropers not having children feels odd because it's never an issue on the show. Helen Roper has a line on the subject that goes something like "We tried and tried again. We would've tried a third time, but Stanley had a headache." Both Mrs. Ropers have maternal streaks, but it's a surprise to find George saying he'd have liked children, since there's nothing in either universe to support this.
Guests: One big difference from the television show is that so much time is spent with guest stars, sometimes even in the absence of the regulars. Most prominent of course are Pluthero, with his boss and chauffeur to talk to when he's not with the residents of Myddleton Terrace, and Sir Edmund, who has that phone conversation with his "friend" Miss Lovett. And Pluthero and Sir Edmund have a scene together, plus the scenes of them on Today. While this allows for satire of business and politics (and possibly both in the case of Spiros, if his last name is a reference to Agnew), it takes time away from the focus on the trio and their friends. Even the RCST gets pushed aside for much of the movie, until it suddenly comes back in the last few minutes. In a way, we seem invited to empathise with Pluthero, considering how the music celebrates when a Spiros sign goes up and mourns when one goes down. And you could almost feel sorry for him at different points, if only his whole life weren't built on greed and deception.
The "celebrity cameos" feel pointless, even if they're meant to add colour to the studio scenes. It's not just because I'm a Gen-X American that I can't go all fangirl over the likes of Smethurst and Walker, or even Milligan. It's interesting that they're in the movie, but no more so than it's interesting that Norman Mitchell is in it, and at least his character has a pay-off. Only Scooby-Doo ever really got away with the whole "OMG, it's C-List Celebrity!" thing.
It is ironic that Smethurst and Walker's show was called "Love Thy Neighbour," since both of the trio's female neighbours are presented sexually, one a mistress and the other a nymphomaniac who even scares randy Robin. It's interesting that Mildred is immediately if unjustifiably jealous of Hazel, while George takes awhile to work up jealousy towards Arthur.
Long-term: The Ropers having been married 22 years is jumping the gun a bit, since they celebrated their 20th on MatH7, which aired 15 months before the movie came out. And, yes, it does feel off that George and Mildred met during WWII, but didn't get married till '52 or '53, but that's a problem in both universes.
It probably says something about Britain and/or the '70s that it's less of a big deal for Larry to offer Jo pot than to try to seduce her, although no doubt the pot was going to be part of the seduction. While there are pot jokes on the show, it's only in the parallel universe that two regular characters can have tried it before. The shadow of the '60s definitely hangs over this movie, with Jo wanting them to occupy the building, and Robin trying to pass himself off as a freaked-out hippie vicar. The activism of the trio, Chrissy in particular, with her speech-making, feels like sanitised '60s idealism, since being anti-development is less controversial than being anti-war.
Assessment: The movie is definitely worth watching for a MatH completist. It's uneven but probably better than the worst of the programme, like "Match of the Day" and "Three of a Kind." It's at least more memorable.
The main way the movie feels like it takes place too far in the future is Robin and Chrissy's relationship. You've got the theme song talking about Chrissy's feelings, and she and Robin seem to go further physically than before, unless more happened on "While the Cat's Away" than we were shown. Yes, it's just necking, but it's a start and might've led to more if they hadn't been interrupted. Chrissy's two selves, old-fashioned farm girl and sophisticated city girl, continue to fight each other in the midst of the sexual revolution. (Of course, Chrissy's farm girl side has seen the animals do things, so she's not that innocent.)
As for the ways this seems to be set in a parallel universe, there are many. The first is that there's no audience or laugh track, so the rhythm of the movie feels off. There are some funny lines, like the one about giving children to dogs' charities, but things don't seem to build as well as they do on television. The "pair" exchange during the strip poker game feels like it needs laughter for punctuation.
In place of the laughter, we get music at odd moments, only once explained as being from a record. The music gives a corny, overly old-fashioned touch to the movie, especially when it's soft music for Robin trying to seduce Chrissy.
Also the design of the sets is disorienting, both the placing of the rooms and their decoration, with the clothes not harmonising well, like Jo's pink floral outfit clashing horribly with the purple lounge and a blue lamp or vase.
Tenants: Parallel-Universe Chrissy cooks breakfast, while she never cooks on the show. PU Jo is still a rotten cook though. I like that we see PU Robin at not only school but work. It's also a nice touch to make Larry a waiter. This allows them to help Chrissy get revenge on Pluthero for his greed.
PU Chrissy being a card shark is a definite contradiction of "Three of a Kind." Her probably being good at chess but pretending otherwise is very different behaviour than in MatH19, where she gloated to Jo about beating Robin at chess.
PU Larry is more flirtatious, not only actually asking Jo out, but blowing a kiss to Mrs. Roper. The whole thing with his car is unlike anything on the programme, and seems to be there, one, to open things up a bit and make them more cinematic; two, to give him an opportunity to spend time with Jo while Robin and Chrissy have their alone time; and three, to give the trio a reason to be annoyed with him. The thing is though, I feel sorry for Larry. Yes, he clumsily tries to seduce Jo, but he's a gentleman about it when she says no. Yes, he's a bad driver, but that's no excuse for Jo to take the wheel and then drive them into the lake. And, yes, he interrupted Robin and Chrissy's date, but Jo had to come home sometime, and anyway, they were supposed to be working on the petition and it's not like Robin told Larry to keep Jo out as late as possible. OK, Jo has frog spawn in her bra, but she damaged Larry's car. And then the three of them and Mrs. Roper drive off in his car, without even asking his permission, while he's under the car and could've been injured! Nothing he does in any universe excuses this sort of treatment.
The most important difference for PU Mildred is that her army sergeant is not an American but a Brit who's working in London. There's a strong suggestion that they'll take up with each other again, her "compensation," or at least happily reminisce, with him as her "boarder." With this, the Edmund & Hazel plot, and Pluthero's ambiguous marital status while he's seducing/ being seduced by Miss Bird, the attitude towards adultery in this movie is much more casual than on the show. But then there's a lot more suggested nudity, too, and we never actually see anything.
The thing about the Ropers not having children feels odd because it's never an issue on the show. Helen Roper has a line on the subject that goes something like "We tried and tried again. We would've tried a third time, but Stanley had a headache." Both Mrs. Ropers have maternal streaks, but it's a surprise to find George saying he'd have liked children, since there's nothing in either universe to support this.
Guests: One big difference from the television show is that so much time is spent with guest stars, sometimes even in the absence of the regulars. Most prominent of course are Pluthero, with his boss and chauffeur to talk to when he's not with the residents of Myddleton Terrace, and Sir Edmund, who has that phone conversation with his "friend" Miss Lovett. And Pluthero and Sir Edmund have a scene together, plus the scenes of them on Today. While this allows for satire of business and politics (and possibly both in the case of Spiros, if his last name is a reference to Agnew), it takes time away from the focus on the trio and their friends. Even the RCST gets pushed aside for much of the movie, until it suddenly comes back in the last few minutes. In a way, we seem invited to empathise with Pluthero, considering how the music celebrates when a Spiros sign goes up and mourns when one goes down. And you could almost feel sorry for him at different points, if only his whole life weren't built on greed and deception.
The "celebrity cameos" feel pointless, even if they're meant to add colour to the studio scenes. It's not just because I'm a Gen-X American that I can't go all fangirl over the likes of Smethurst and Walker, or even Milligan. It's interesting that they're in the movie, but no more so than it's interesting that Norman Mitchell is in it, and at least his character has a pay-off. Only Scooby-Doo ever really got away with the whole "OMG, it's C-List Celebrity!" thing.
It is ironic that Smethurst and Walker's show was called "Love Thy Neighbour," since both of the trio's female neighbours are presented sexually, one a mistress and the other a nymphomaniac who even scares randy Robin. It's interesting that Mildred is immediately if unjustifiably jealous of Hazel, while George takes awhile to work up jealousy towards Arthur.
Long-term: The Ropers having been married 22 years is jumping the gun a bit, since they celebrated their 20th on MatH7, which aired 15 months before the movie came out. And, yes, it does feel off that George and Mildred met during WWII, but didn't get married till '52 or '53, but that's a problem in both universes.
It probably says something about Britain and/or the '70s that it's less of a big deal for Larry to offer Jo pot than to try to seduce her, although no doubt the pot was going to be part of the seduction. While there are pot jokes on the show, it's only in the parallel universe that two regular characters can have tried it before. The shadow of the '60s definitely hangs over this movie, with Jo wanting them to occupy the building, and Robin trying to pass himself off as a freaked-out hippie vicar. The activism of the trio, Chrissy in particular, with her speech-making, feels like sanitised '60s idealism, since being anti-development is less controversial than being anti-war.
Assessment: The movie is definitely worth watching for a MatH completist. It's uneven but probably better than the worst of the programme, like "Match of the Day" and "Three of a Kind." It's at least more memorable.
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