"The Sunshine Boys"

This plot, which centres around tanning, absolutely could not have been transferred over to the Santa Monica trio.  It aired on 17 March 1976 and is set during the rainy months of England, which admittedly doesn't narrow it down much.  The title comes from the previous year's Oscar-winning movie with Walter Matthau and George Burns.

It's just a jump to the left:  The episode opens with a close-up of the Ropers' wireless.  A band called Pelvic Thrust plays until the d.j. goes into his patter.  He says you're tuned in, turned on, and being tantalised by Ricky Bird, your OK d.j.  When he says, "Right on," George says, "Right off," and turns the wireless off.

Mildred enters from the bedroom and turns the wireless back on because she wants to know the time.  He turns the wireless off again and says he prefers some World War Two announcer, whom he imitates.  He tells Mildred it's ten o'clock.

She asks for his wages.  He says he didn't do his full three days at the betting shop.  And when she takes the envelope, she knows there's a pound missing because there's always a pound missing.

He says he's saving up, but he won't tell her for what.
George:  Isn't a man entitled to a bit of privacy?
Mildred:  Not when he's married.

Torremolinos:  Meanwhile, Robin and Chrissy are looking at travel brochures on their settee.  He wants to go skiing, but she wants to go to the beach.  She thinks he'll hurt himself skiing, but he says, "I've learned to fall without hurting myself.  It comes from years of drinking."

Jo enters from the kitchen and suggests they compromise by going to a very steep beach.

Larry knocks and enters.  Robin has invited him along, to the girls' displeasure.  He admits that Larry is the last person you'd want to share a holiday with.  Larry says it's nice to feel wanted.  Robin says it'll be cheaper with a fourth person.

Chrissy says they're going to Torremolinos.  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torremolinos )  Larry agrees to that, so Jo tells Robin it's three to one and he's outvoted. 

After the girls exit for the kitchen, Robin calls Larry a berk.  He tells Larry there's plenty of talent in San Moritz.  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Moritz )  Larry says to think of all those zips (on the ski clothes).  He prefers all that crumpet on the beach.  Robin says there will also be local bronzed studs, and Robin will look like a whitewashed milk bottle in comparison.  He says that the last time he went to the beach, three people went down with snow blindness.

After Larry leaves, Robin lifts his shirt and looks at his stomach in the mirror.  Then he shrieks in horror.

Sunray:  We see Larry going downstairs, whistling.  Mr. Roper comes out of his flat and invites him in. 
George:  I'll come straight to the point, Robin.
Larry:  Larry.
(Well, at least he's trying.)

He tells Larry he needs some money because he's saving  up.
George:  I decided to sell something and thought of you.
Larry:  You can't sell me.

George says there must be something Larry is short of.  Yeah, there is:  money. 

George offers him the wireless, but Larry already has one.  The sewing machine?  Larry doesn't do a lot of sewing.  George says he could take it up, while listening to the wireless.

George offers him a "reading lamp," but Larry recognises it as a sunray lamp.  George says it'll make Larry brown, with ultraviolent [sic] rays. 
Larry:  How much?
George:  Oh, very brown.
When he realises Larry means the cost, he says 5 quid.

1830:  This segues to Larry telling Robin the lamp would cost him 10 quid.  Larry's flat contains Robin's disturbing poster with a headless woman's body hanging on a hanger, like a coat, from the first series. 

Robin asks where Larry got the lamp.  He says it's a family heirloom, from 1830.  Robin points out that they didn't have electricity then.  Larry says that's why it's in such good "nick," meaning condition in this instance, although "nick" will have a different meaning later. 

Larry says that after a couple weeks of using the lamp, Robin will be golden brown all over, like a crisp with legs.  Robin asks if Larry could just lend it, but Larry says no.

Robin is tempted, since he'll be all brown and sexy.
Larry:  Oh, stop it.  I'm beginning to fancy you.
Robin:  So will all the girls.

Larry asks for his 12 quid, and someone in the audience reacts.  Robin also catches the price being jacked up, so Larry apologises and goes back to 10 quid.  He's still making a 100% profit of course, off his best friend.

Nice:  On the middle floor, the girls are looking at the brochures.  Jo says they don't have to go to Spain.  They could go to France or Italy.
Chrissy:  Pisa's nice but Nice is nicer.
Jo:  Say that again.
Chrissy:  I don't think I could.
They laugh.

Robin comes back with the lamp.  He gives them fair warning that he's going to strip off. 
Chrissy:  Where did you get that?
Robin:  No, you're supposed to say that after I've taken them [clothes] off.
Chrissy of course means the lamp.

After Robin says he got it from Larry, Chrissy says it's stolen property.
Robin:  You're very hard on Larry.  He's got this framed certificate on his wall, commending him for all the good work he's done for charity.
Jo:  He has?
Robin:  Yeah, he nicked it from a junk shop. 
Robin laughs.

Chrissy wants to use the lamp on her house plants.  Robin sarcastically says she should get the frozen joint out of the fridge and thaw it out on his stomach.  She says that's a good idea.  He says, "Bloody hell!"

Clock:  Downstairs, George counts his 5 quid.  He starts to head out as Mildred comes home.  She asks, "George, why is it when I come in, you always go out?  We're like that little man and woman in the weather clock."

She stops him from leaving and tells him to go back in their flat.  She says she's been thinking and she was a bit harsh, not letting him have the money.  She asks if he's saving up for something in the area of jewelry, or something chocolaty, or flower-like.  He says no to all of this.  She snaps, "Then you're not having it, you selfish little devil!"

Tarzan:  The girls bring some plants through the kitchen and into the lounge.
Jo:  Do you think they need to know it's not the real sun?
Chrissy:  Well, I won't tell them if you won't.

Robin enters from his bedroom.  With a colourful towel wrapped around him, he prances while singing the inevitable stripper tune.  ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-9F_HWel5g )  Chrissy reads a brochure, and Jo looks equally unimpressed.  The audience is very amused.

Robin drops his towel and strikes a muscleman pose.  Chrissy says it makes you want to kick sand in his face.  Robin's suit is a bit lowcut, but maybe that was the style in the '70s, despite the modest things I'd see Archie and Reggie wear in the comic books.

Robin says, "I'm amazed at how you two girls can control that animal  passion that must be seething inside you."  Chrissy laughs.

He lies down on the floor.  He says there are plenty of girls who'd melt at the sight of these rippling muscles.  Chrissy asks who, which of course invokes the Lenny & Squiggy rule.  Mrs. Roper comes in, returning sugar, but she gets very distracted by Robin.  She tells him that he looks a little bit like Tarzan in the midst of all the plants.

He has Jo turn on the lamp.  She asks if he wants to be rare, medium, or well done.  Chrissy says that too much of it is bad for you, and asks Mrs. Roper to confirm this.  Not thinking of sunlight, Mildred says, "I wouldn't know, Love."

Jo says if they had two lamps, Robin could do his back and front at the same time.  With a slight American accent, Chrissy says, "That's the way they do Kentucky Fried Chicken."  Laughing, Jo says he'd be finger lickin' good.  Chrissy and Mildred laugh, too.

Mildred goes to get her lamp.  Uh oh.

Dusty:  She looks for the lamp downstairs.  George returns from wherever he's been.  She says her sister gave her the lamp because it was getting dusty.  He asks if this is the one with the scratches off the back.  When she says yes, he says he hasn't seen it.

He gets very defensive about her not trusting him.  She tries to apologise, but he says he'll swear on the Bible.  He mumbles though, so she says, "You don't fool God by mumbling, George."

She thinks the lamp has been stolen.  Then she realises that Robin has a sunray lamp upstairs.  She's shocked as it sinks in.

And we go to adverts.

There's not all that much more of the scene when we return.  Mildred says she doesn't want to believe Mr. Tripp is a thief.  And we go back up to the middle flat.

Rabbits:  Robin wonders how his tan is coming along.  Chrissy says if he were a sausage, she could stick a fork in him.  (No, this doesn't count as RCST, sorry.) 

He says it's boring laying here and he'd like her to make rabbits (shadow puppet rabbits) on his chest.  When Jo comes in, Chrissy says, "He wants me to make rabbits on his chest!"  Jo calls him a dirty devil, which is usually what people call George.

Jo says Robin has only been under the lamp for a few minutes.  Chrissy says, "What do you expect, instant Harry Belafonte?"

Mildred returns and says she couldn't find her lamp.  Chrissy says they'll make do with one and turn Robin round on a spit.

Mildred sees that this lamp has the same scratches as her lamp. 

Robin asks Jo for something to protect his nose from peeling.  She goes to get an empty corn flakes packet.  (Do I have to add a "Corn Flakes" tag for these posts now?)
Robin:  It's not that big!
Mildred:  How long have you had it?
Robin:  Ever since I was born.
Then he realises she means the lamp rather than his nose.  He says he got it off Larry half an hour ago.  She says, "Larry?  Of course, I might've known."

Footprints:  George is feeding the budgie, who doesn't get enough onscreen time to merit the "Roper's bird" tag.  Mildred returns and says it's her lamp and now she knows who took it.  George defensively says it's a lie.  She says it was Mr. Simmonds upstairs.

George says she'll need proof, like footprints.  She says she's accusing Larry of stealing the lamp, not dancing on it.

When they look out the window and see Larry coming back, George insists that it's a man's job confronting Larry.  He greets Larry at the front door and yells at him so Mildred will think he's getting tough.  He escorts Larry upstairs, yelling some more.  She comes out of her flat and waits at the foot of the stairs.

When they get to Larry's flat, George tells him they're having nice weather for this time of year.  There's a poster of a blonde girl behind them, naked to the waist.  George yells that Larry can't let it happen again.  Then he quietly says it was nice talking to Larry.

He goes back downstairs to his own flat.  He tells Mildred that Larry broke down and confessed, in tears.  She says Larry has got to go.  George says they can't be too harsh.  Larry is an orphan from a broken home.  (It strikes me now that we don't know anything about Larry's family, unlike the rest of the people in the building.  We even know more about Percy the barman.) 
George:  He hasn't had a lot of love.
Mildred:  Neither have I, but I don't go around stealing lamps.

George says it's better to give than to receive.  She points out that she didn't give the lamp, Larry nicked it.

George asks, "How do you think his poor old grey-haired mum and dad are gonna feel?"  She says he just said they're dead.  He says that doesn't mean they haven't got any feelings.

Mildred says she'll think it over, but right now she's going to get her lamp.  He tells her that he'll get it and she can make a nice cuppa.  He exits and she shakes her head.

Villa:  Robin wears part of the corn flakes packet, saying "ORN," over his nose, held in place by his sunglasses.  He checks on the time and then takes a break.  He tells Chrissy that tomorrow he'll tan himself in a place he hasn't before.  He points to a few feet over.  She laughs.

She tells him the villa sleeps four and is overlooking the sea and sand.  He says that's overlooking the price.  She says they're splitting it so they each pay half.  He says that's 200%.

Mr. Roper knocks and lets himself in.  He says it's nice weather for this time of year.  Chrissy says it's pouring down.  He says it's nice inside.

He tells Robin, "I want to borrow your whatshisname for a bit, mainly to keep Mildred happy."  The audience reacts to this innuendo.  Chrissy says he'll never get it downstairs without taking the wheels off.  Robin says he might bend the aerial a bit.  Chrissy says then they'll never get any icecubes.  George says he means the lamp.

Robin says he'll need it back later.  George says that's all right because it'll have all blown over by then.  He exits with the lamp.

He goes downstairs and calls to Mildred.

Sap:  The lamp has been doing Chrissy's plants some good.  Robin, now wearing a turtleneck but still his shorts, says, "And me."  By spring he'll have blossoms under there, meaning his armpits.

As Jo enters in a black bikini, Robin says, "I can feel my sap-- rising."  Chrissy, looking at the buds on the plant says, "Oh, I think one of them's starting to come out."  Robin says yes.

Jo wants to sunbathe.  Chrissy says Jo's suit doesn't leave much to the imagination.  Jo says, "If you've got it, let the air get to it.  Anyway, the one you bought shows even more."  So Robin suggests that Chrissy sunbathe, too.  Chrissy says she'd quite like to, if they had the lamp.  Robin says he'll get the lamp. 

Jo says if she keeps the top half on, she'll get white marks.  Chrissy says she needs someone to rub her suntain oil in.  Robin is getting nervously excited.  He runs down to get the lamp.  Chrissy says there was steam coming out of his ears.

"Why, Mr. Tripp?":  Robin knocks but no one answers.  He lets himself in and sees the lamp.

The Ropers go down the hallway, she with the tea tray.  He suggests they forget the whole thing.  She says young people these days seem to have no respect for other people's property.

Robin exits their flat, taking the lamp.  She sadly asks, "Why, Mr. Tripp?"  He says he wants it.  She says it doesn't belong to Mr. Simmonds.  He says it's his and goes upstairs with it.

Mildred:  George!
George:  Perhaps he's an orphan as well.

Wooly's:  Robin plugs the lamp in again, but he's all thumbs.  He strips off his turtleneck, and squeezes in between the two girls, who are sitting on the floor.  Chrissy's blue bikini is actually less revealing than Jo's.  He offers suntan lotion, but Chrissy says they already put it on.

Larry comes in and remarks on the "lovely pairs."  Putting her sunglasses on, Chrissy says you can get 'em at Wooly's (I assume Woolworth's), for only one pound fifty.

Robin gets to his feet and says, "You've got a nose for this sort of thing," meaning finding girls in bikinis.  He asks what Larry wants, but Larry has forgotten. 
Larry:  Can I stay and watch?
Robin:  Be my guest.
Larry:  You're a mate.
They shake hands and of course Robin gets suntan oil on Larry.

Mildred comes in and takes the lamp.  She says, "I'm very sorry about your parents, Mr. Simmonds."  Everyone is baffled.  She says she can understand Larry stealing, but Robin?  Larry says, "Hang on a bit," and he bought it off Mr. Roper for 5 quid.  Robin says, "How much?"

Beeton and Beaten:  In the last scene, George is sitting on the settee when Mildred comes home with the lamp.  She says he swore on the Bible.  He says it was actually Mrs. Beeton's World Cookery Book.  The audience laughs a lot.  (I suspect this is a made-up title, since the Victorian author is mainly known for her massively successful Mrs. Beeton's Book of Household Management.) 

She thinks he needed the money for more of his mucky little magazines.  He says it was the deposit for a holiday, a second honeymoon, and it was meant to be a surprise.  He thought it would bring them together closer than they've been for some time.  She's touched.

But the travel agency wasn't open and the betting shop was.  He bet on a horse.  The episode ends on her about to bean him with Mrs. Beaton.

Commentary:  Lecherous as Jack and Amer-Larry are, they do live in a world where girls frequently wear bikinis, so I don't think that they'd be as stunned as Robin and Brit-Larry are.  The Englishmen can hang porn on their walls, but presented with the sight of their two female friends more undressed than they've ever seen them, steam comes out of their ears.  And it's not as if Chrissy and Jo have extraordinary figures.  The girls are cute but I suspect you could find more amazing bodies in London.

Mildred shouldn't hit George with a heavy book, but it's understandable, more so than the fuss over the dance last episode.  And I do have to wonder why George works in a betting shop (first mentioned many episodes ago), if he likes to bet.  But then I never understood why Sam Malone was running Cheers if he was an alcoholic.

Other than that, not much to say.  This is another of the episodes with nice writing (like the "selling Larry" bit) but not much plot.  It's mainly notable for being the episode right before Robin's brother shows up and changes everything....

For the Birds

The conversion of MatH32 into 3'sC30 by Nicholl, Ross & West is pretty straightforward, although as always with some interesting variations.  "Come Fly with Me" aired on 9 October 1975, the week after "How Does Your Garden Grow?", while "Bird Song" aired May 9, 1978, earning #2 in the ratings.  (As noted earlier, the "Loni Anderson" episode topped it the next week.)

Vegas:  MatH shows the Ropers' budgie as the episode's title appears on the screen, ala the plants with "How Does Your Garden Grow?"  Then we cut to Robin playing cards with Larry.  Jack and Amer-Larry are also playing cards.  This time it's blackjack rather than poker.  The Larrys narrate the game, set in Las Vegas, and interestingly Brit-Larry gives Robin the nickname "Diamond Jack," which of course carries over to the U.S.

Robin/Jack goes bust.
Brit-Larry:  Talking of busts, how are you making out with the blonde bird at the college?
Amer-Larry:  Speaking of busts, how's it going with the blonde in your cooking class?
In the UK, it's "that Swedish bit, Inga," while in the U.S. it's the more respectful "Inga the Swedish girl."  Upon hearing that the blonde is Swedish, the Larrys point out that in Sweden even the sandwiches are topless.

The Larrys ask if Inga speaks English.  (How on earth would she be attending college in England/America if she couldn't?)  Robin says he doesn't know, since the only word he's heard her use is no.

Brit-Larry:  If you can't make it with a Swedish bird, you may as well trade it in.
Amer-Larry:  If you can't score with a Swedish chick, you  might as well turn in your badge.
Robin/Jack says she won't even go out with him.

The Larrys say that Swedish girls like to round off the evening by saying thank you in the nicest possible way.  Robin does a good imitation of Brit-Larry saying, "Oh yeah, it's a well-known fact, innit?"

Brit-Larry says, "She ain't gonna round off the evening proper on a Wimpy and chips, is she?"  ( http://www.wimpy.uk.com/menu.asp?id=22&mm=1 )  Amer-Larry says Jack has to wine and dine her.  A beautiful fox like that isn't going to say thank you for an Egg McMuffin and fries.  (Did any McDonald's back then serve breakfast items at the same time as lunch/dinner items?  I remember it as being rare until the last few years.)

Brit-Chrissy/Janet comes home.  Jack greets Janet with "Hey, Babe."  Brit-Chrissy says they were playing cards when she left for work.

Brit-Chrissy/Janet says Robin/Jack shouldn't play cards with the Larrys, who are much better cheats.  The Larrys resent the remark, and since they're two quid/$3 ahead, they'll leave.  Brit-Chrissy/Janet says, "Don't forget your marked cards." 

Brit-Larry:  (to Robin) I'll buy you a pint later.
Amer-Larry:  (to Jack, with "gun" fingers) See you at the Regal Beagle later.

Robin says he's had a very bad morning, and Brit-Chrissy is the only one he can turn to.  Jack hugs Janet from behind, then flips her forward, holding her close.  He had a lousy morning, and she's the only one he can turn to.

Brit-Chrissy:  I've been stuck in a stuffy office all morning and you're asking me for sympathy?
Janet:  I've been dealing with maniac customers all morning.  Don't come to me for sympathy.

Robin says he doesn't want sympathy, "just a bit of the other."  Jack says, "I don't want sympathy.  I want affection!", and pulls Janet even closer.

Brit-Chrissy politely says, "Not today, thank you."  Since Jack is more aggressive, Janet pushes him into a crouching position and says, "Down boy."  She moves away.

Brit-Chrissy/Janet goes in the kitchen and Robin/Jack follows, Jack sticking his tongue out like a dog and waddling behind her.  Janet pulls Jack back to his feet when she notices.

Robin/Jack says Brit-Chrissy/Janet gave up her Saturday morning for her boss. 
Robin:  What I want would only take ten minutes.
Brit-Chrissy:  No, it wouldn't.  I'm very passionate.

Jack:  (with his hand on Janet's shoulder) What I'm after won't take that long.
Janet:  Yes, it will, I'm very passionate.
Janet has been peeling a banana, so she sticks part of the banana in Jack's mouth.

Jo/Amer-Chrissy comes in, dressed for bed.  She tells Brit-Chrissy/Janet, "You're going to be late for work."  Brit-Chrissy/Janet says she's been to work and come back.

Brit-Chrissy/Janet says she'd willingly trade places with Jo/Amer-Chrissy.
Jo:  Ah, but you don't get a bonus while you're in bed.
Robin:  You would've done if you hadn't locked the door.

Amer-Chrissy: You don't get a bonus when you're lying in bed, you know.
Jack:  Not when you lock the bedroom door.

Janet's bonus is for working late every night this week and coming in Saturday morning.  Brit-Chrissy's is presumably just for this morning.

The boss gave Brit-Chrissy/Janet two tickets for a Frank Sinatra concert, Janet calling the tickets lousy (not because they're for bad seats but because it's Frank Sinatra).  The flat/roommates are surprised.

The 3'sC scene continues, but MatH visits the Ropers, so we'll skip ahead to the parallel scene.

Pretty boys:  Mildred is in her yellow blouse and banana trousers. George is talking to the budgie, Oscar.  (What happened to it being named Arthur?  Or was that only in the movie?)  Stanley is smiling at the nameless parakeet, whom he calls a pretty little boy.  George/Stanley tells the budgie/parakeet that today it'll be getting nice new sand to do its little whoopsies on.  Stanley once again tries to get the parakeet to say his name.

Mildred/Helen whistles like a bird.  She says it's the only way to get his attention.  She'd sprout feathers if she could.  George/Stanley says the bird gets lonely.  She says she gets lonely, too.

She wants him to talk to her the way he talks to the bird. 
George:  Who's a pretty boy then?
Stanley:  You're a pretty little boy, aren't you?
The American audience applauds.

George tells Mildred, "We're married.  There's not a lot to say."  Mildred/Helen asks if George/Stanley knows what tomorrow is.  He guesses Sunday.  What else?

She hints that it only happens once a year.  Stanley gasps with wide eyes.  Scared, he says, "You don't mean?"  George just looks a bit nervous.   Mildred/Helen says, "No, not that."  Stanley looks relieved.

Mildred says it's a very important day, so George guesses Oscar's birthday.

And again, MatH splits a scene, so we'll pick up where we left off on 3'sC.

Grandad:  Someone gave the boss the tickets but he can't go, so he gave them to Brit-Chrissy/Janet.  In Janet's case, they're in an envelope hanging from a ribbon, sort of like a necklace.  She wears the envelope for most of the episode.

The tickets are for tomorrow night.  In England, they're for the Albert Hall.  In America, they're at an unspecified venue, front row. 

Robin says this isn't a Wimpy and chips.  Jack says Frank Sinatra is no Egg McMuffin.

Frank Sinatra does absolutely nothing for Brit-Chrissy/Janet. 
Robin:  He must do.  You're a fully paid-up member of the female sex.  It says so on your application form.  You've got to like him.
Chrissy:  He's a grandad!
Jo:  You'll be a grandad one day.
Janet is kind of into Stevie Wonder herself.

Brit-Chrissy/Janet has to wash her hair tomorrow night.  (See, it's not daily.) 

Robin/Jack wants both tickets, while Jo/Amer-Chrissy thinks it should be one each. 

Brit-Chrissy/Janet realizes she's in the catbird seat.  She says she'd like a cup of tea/coffee.  The flat/roommates scramble to get her a cup, Jack telling Amer-Chrissy, "My department I believe."  Then Brit-Chrissy/Janet wants a biscuit/cookie. 
Jack:  (to Amer-Chrissy) Keep your hands off my cookies!
Robin:  (to Jo)  Get your hands off my ginger nuts!
(This would be funnier if he was a redhead.)

MatH ends the scene here, although 3'sC continues.

Make the bed:  We switch to the British girls' bedroom, where Jo offers to make Chrissy's bed.  Still in the kitchen, Amer-Chrissy offers to make Janet's bed.  Brit-Chrissy/Janet says she already made her bed.  Amer-Chrissy/Jo offers to mess it up and make it for her again.

Brit-Chrissy tells Jo to relax.  She'll give them a ticket each but she might as well string Robin along for awhile.  He comes in with the tea.  Chrissy makes him stir it.  The girls smile.

Jack puts one of Janet's feet up on an empty kitchen chair, so Amer-Chrissy does the other foot, putting Janet into painful splits.  Janet scoots the chairs closer.

Jack hands Janet the coffee, just the way she likes it, strong with one sugar.  Amer-Chrissy and Jack fight over who will stir the coffee.  Chrissy feeds Janet the cookie.  Jack rubs Janet's shoulders.  Chrissy pushes Jack over and rubs one shoulder.

In a Southern-belle accent, Janet says, "My, my, my, this is gonna be a wonderful day."

Anniversary:  Back at the Ropers', George guesses tomorrow is Battle of Britain Day.  Stanley guesses VJ Day.  Even when Mildred/Helen tells her husband that it's their wedding anniversary, he still doesn't immediately understand.  Then he says he meant to tie a knot in something to remind him.  She says she'd have given him a hand.

Dumplings:  There's a scene in the Brit-trio's kitchen that doesn't have an exact American equivalent.  Jo is now dressed for the day.  Robin offers Chrissy more of whatever he cooked.  She says it had too much salt and the potatoes were underdone.  As for the dumplings--
Robin:  Nobody knocks my dumplings.
Chrissy:  I was gonna say they were quite nice.

Jo wants Robin to buy her a drink at the pub. 
Robin:  Don't you start.  You've got nothing I want.
Jo:  Oh, thank you.
Robin:  That you're likely to give me.
Chrissy suggests he buy them both a drink, which he agrees to.

Before they leave, Chrissy tucks the tickets under the sugar bowl on the table.

Flogged and scalped:  3'sC just hops to the Regal Beagle, although the scene starts with a black couple walking in, before the camera moves over to show Chrissy, Jack, Janet, and Larry, in that order, sitting at the usual table.  (As a kid, I noticed a lot of black extras on 3'sC, like in party scenes.  They never seemed to have any blacks with speaking roles, at least in the early days.)

Jack says, "By the way, Janet, what did you think about that fabulous dinner I cooked especially for you?"  Like Brit-Chrissy, she thinks there was too much salt.  He has to accept this because he wants the tickets.  He goes to get her another drink.

Amer-Chrissy immediately steals Jack's seat.  Then she feeds Janet a peanut.

On MatH, Brit-Chrissy sits at a table with Larry, as Robin and Jo order at the bar. 

The Larrys suggest Brit-Chrissy/Janet give the tickets to him and he'll flog/scalp them for 20 quid/ 50 bucks.  Amer-Larry says he usually doesn't like people knowing what a soft-hearted guy he is.  The Larrys tell a sad story about a little old lady who sells bootlaces/pencils, down by the station/pier.  Given the different climate, Amer-Larry leaves out the part about her being out in the rain and the snow, to eke out her pitiful widow's pension.  Calling the Larrys "Young Master," she said that her greatest desire/ one remaining wish before she dies is to see Frank Sinatra.

Brit-Chrissy and Janet are skeptical, but Amer-Chrissy seems to believe Larry.  Both Chrissys say, "And you'd give her the tickets?", but Brit-Chrissy's delivery is drier of course.  Brit-Larry says, "No, I'd flog the tickets to her for 20 quid."  It's Janet who says, "No, Chrissy, he'd sell them to her for 50 bucks."  Amer-Larry calls Janet hard.

Robin and Jo come over with drinks.  Jack returns with Janet's beer.  Robin/Jack says he's invested a lot of crawling in the tickets.  Jack makes Chrissy move out of his seat.

Brit-Chrissy is offended by the word "crawling."  She asks, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?"  Robin says she's sweet, kind, and intelligent.  Brit-Larry adds warm-hearted and generous.
Robin:  Beautiful.
Larry:  Radiantly beautiful.
Robin:  Incredibly, radiantly beautiful.

Chrissy wants to hear it again, this time with more sincerity.  Jo says they're exaggerating.  Chrissy says, "No, they're not, but as soon as they start to, I'll stop them."

George/Stanley comes in with a shoebox, as Jack calls Janet "Honey."  Stanley sits in Jack's chair, so Jack accidentally ends up in his lap before getting back to his feet.

George asks if they mind he joins them.  Brit-Larry says, "Not at all," then invites Jo to play darts.  Since Stanley sits down without being invited, Amer-Larry less obviously avoids Mr. Roper, but Amer-Larry invites Amer-Chrissy to play darts, adding, "Don't forget your money."  Jack then moves to Larry's chair.

George/Stanley says, "Guess what I've got in the shoebox." 
Brit-Chrissy:  (to Robin) Try shoes.
Robin:  No, no, if they were shoes, he wouldn't bother to ask us."
George gives them the clue that the item has feathers, so Chrissy guesses a duck-billed plimsoll (rubber-soled cloth shoe).

Meanwhile, Jack covers his eyes and says, "Wait, don't tell me.  Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

George/Stanley got Mildred/Helen a budgie/parakeet for their anniversary tomorrow.  When the kids point out that the Ropers already have a bird, George/Stanley says this is a hen.

George:  What I've got at home is a co--
Robin:  Boy budgie?

Stanley:  What I've got at home is a, a, a--
Jack:  Boy parakeet?

George/Stanley figures that as long as he has to buy a present for Mildred/Helen, the bird might as well benefit, too.

Brit-Chrissy:  Wouldn't a box of chocolates be better?
George:  No, no, he doesn't like chocolates.  I thought I might try breeding with her you see.
Robin:  (to Chrissy) That's a lot better than a box of chocolates, isn't it?
They both laugh.  Then George says there's money in breeding budgies.

Janet:  Don't you think flowers or candy would be better?
Stanley:  Nah, I thought I might try mating with her.
Jack:  (to Janet) Mrs. Roper should like that.
Stanley says it'll be a surprise.  Janet says, "I'm sure it will be."  She and Jack are trying not to laugh.

George/Stanley wants the kids to keep the bird upstairs until tomorrow.  Stanley says, "Thanks a lot.  You're a very sweet kid, Janet."  She tries to protest, but he leaves. 

On MatH, Brit-Larry notices that George drank all of his drink.  George smiles sheepishly.

Sandpaper:  In the next British scene, the trio come home, talking about the care of budgies.  Robin, meaning the cage, says you put a little sandpaper on the bottom.  Jo, as she unlocks the door says, "Oh, sounds painful." 

Janet and Jack are still at the pub.  She says she doesn't know anything about parakeets.  He recommends food, water, and a little sandpaper on the bottom.  She says, "Oo, that sounds painful."  He says he'll take care of the bird.

Pulling at the envelope, he says, "I'd do anything for you and your lovely brown eyes."  She says, "You mean for lovely Blue Eyes."

Then he sits up and begs like a dog.  He whimpers.  Then he licks the side of her face.  She likes that and suggests he lick back behind her ear.  He says, "You got it," and does so.  He tries to get the tickets again, but she stops him.

Then 3'sC goes to a break, but MatH goes into the flat.

Search me:  Jo thinks they should get worms and berries for the budgie.  Chrissy says those are for wild birds.  Jo says they can shake the shoebox before they give the worms and berries to the budgie.  Chrissy sends her down to the corner shop for birdseed.

Robin is in the kichen, and Chrissy comes in.  She says it seems cruel to keep a bird in the shoebox.  Robin says, "What, a fully detached shoebox in a residential area?"

She notices that the tickets are gone, and he's the only one who's been in the kitchen since they went down to the pub.  He wants her to search him.  She says she'll believe him if he says he hasn't got the tickets, but he insists on being searched.  He's in position, hands against the wall, bottom tilted provocatively.

She gives him a quick patdown.  He wants more.  She reaches around from behind for the front pockets of his jeans.  He says, "Be careful, there's a hole in that pocket."

It turns out he hid the tickets in the breadbin for safekeeping.  He just likes being searched.  He assumes the position again.  She spanks him.  He's very surprised.

And then MatH  goes to a break.

Jewels:  MatH returns with another close-up of Oscar, then the camera zooms out.

George/Stanley says he has a surprise for the bird tomorow.

Mildred/Helen comes in.  She's just been looking through her jewel/jewelry box, the thing she keeps the elastic/rubber bands and safety pins in. 

George/Stanley says she can stop hinting.  He got her an anniversary present.  She's very happy but wonders what it is.  Stanley says, "If I didn't tell the bird, I'm not gonna tell you."

Mildred/Helen wants a hint/clue, like the colo(u)r.  George/Stanley says yellow.  She says, "Like gold?"  He says sort/kind of.  She asks if it would go on her finger.  He says it might, with a little encouragement. 

Mildred calls George a generous man.  Helen jumps and then claps her hands with glee.  She hugs Stanley and gives him a peck on the cheek.  She says, "Oh, you sweet thing!"  She plans to make him a nice hot cup of cocoa.

Someone knocks/rings the doorbell.  It's Jo/Amer-Chrissy, wanting to talk to Mr. Roper.  Mildred calls him a lovely man, blows him a kiss, and goes to the kitchen.  Helen says, "There he is!  Help yourself."  She calls him a generous man, and goes to the kitchen.

Amer-Chrissy says, "Mr. Roper, your wife seems so happy."  He replies, "Yeah, she's not herself today."

Jo says that the shop on the corner is closed on Saturday and she needs food for the budgie.  Amer-Chrissy also wants bird food.  George/Stanley gives Jo/Amer-Chrissy birdseed. 

Mildred/Helen returns, Helen apologizing for her manners and asking Amer-Chrissy if she would like a cup of cocoa.  Mildred/Helen wonders about the birdseed.  George/Stanley says the kids need food, and he puts a handful in his mouth. 

Mildred says she'll find the kids something else.  After she and Jo leave, George spits out the seeds.  Helen looks puzzled, but Stanley says it's delicious.  The boy parakeet tweets.

A bird in the hand:  Upstairs, Brit-Chrissy and Robin are holding the shoebox together, as Robin looks through the airholes.  Jack is the only one holding the American shoebox, and he's laughing, as Janet looks on.  Robin says he can see a little beady eye staring back at him.  "No, she's turned round."  3'sC avoids this saucy joke.

Brit-Chrissy/Janet wonders if the bird needs anything.  Robin chirps and talks to the bird.  (Well, he is named Robin.)  Jack yells, "Do you need anything?"  Robin/Jack pretends to listen, then says the bird wants two tickets to the Frank Sinatra concert.

Jo/Amer-Chrissy returns with half a roast chicken, since Mr. Roper ate the birdseed.  Jo elaborates that he ate it because he didn't want Mrs. Roper to think she had a budgie as a present.  Brit-Chrissy says, "He wanted her to think she had a budgie as a husband?"

Robin takes the budgie out of the box.  The little yellow bird is very cute.  Chrissy tells him to hold it gently.  He says, "I always do hold birds gently.  I'm known for it." 

Amer-Chrissy suggests Jack take the parakeet out of the box for fresh air.  He does so, but the bird bites him.  Janet says, "She knows the hand of a groper when he feels it."  It's pretty clear that John Ritter is just miming holding the bird and the show didn't get a live bird, like its sister show did, unlike when we did get to see a live puppy the year before.  (And what happened to the tenants not being allowed to have pets in their home?  Is it OK if it's to help the landlord?)

Robin tells the bird he'll give her bread crumbs, but she can't eat too many.  Pointing at the roast chicken, he says, "This budgie ate too many and look what happened to him."  Jack tells the bird to eat enough to get nice and fat "like your friends Janet and Chrissy."  Amer-Chrissy tells the bird to bite him again.

Mildred/Helen comes in without knocking.  She's brought an apple pie for afters/dessert.  Robin/Jack quickly hides the bird under his jumper/jacket.

The pie is homemade and she modestly says it won't be as good as Mr. Tripp's/Jack's. 

Robin fidgets and Mildred tries not to stare. 

Jack laughs because the bird tickles him.  Amer-Chrissy says he's laughing at a joke she told him before Mrs. Roper came in.
Helen:  And he's just getting it?
Janet:  He's very slow.

The bird chirps, so Jack pretends to be practicing bird calls.  Uncertainly, Helen says, "Enjoy your pie."  Jack whirls, laughing.  Helen says to Janet, "I think he's coming down with something."  Then she leaves.

Robin excuses himself to his room.  Mildred asks if he's all right.  Brit-Chrissy blames the weather.
Jo:  Actually, I think he's got something under there he doesn't want you to see.
Mildred:  Oho, silly boy!

She leaves.  The exchange is characteristic of both women, Jo unable to completely lie, and Mildred still quietly lusting after Robin.

Jack puts the parakeet back in the shoebox, while Robin returns with the budgie.  When Robin complains about the bird wriggling, Brit-Chrissy says, "Well, you'd wriggle if someone shoved you up their jumper."  The budgie/parakeet apparently pooed inside Robin/Jack's jumper/jacket.

Breakfast in bed:  The next morning at 9.30, Brit-Chrissy wakes up annoyed that her alarm clock didn't go off.  She demonstrates a ring, trying to teach it.  Then it goes off.

Robin comes in with a tray, covering his eyes with the other hand.  Brit-Chrissy says that their goodies are well-hidden.  Jack knocks before coming in.

The tray contains coffee, toast, and the Sunday paper, and it's for Brit-Chrissy/Janet.  Jo/Amer Chrissy asks, "What about me?"
Robin:  You make your own.
Jack:  Oh, good morning to you, too.
Robin/Jack stirs the coffee, and Robin offers to butter a Marmite soldier.  ( http://www.londonfoodfilmfiesta.co.uk/FILMMA~1/Marmite.htm )

Brit-Chrissy:  You wouldn't by any chance be after my youthful body?
Robin:  No, I wasn't, but if it would please you....

Janet says Jack is still trying to get on her good side.  Jack suggestively says, "I think both sides are good."

Janet hands Jack the envelope, but when he looks inside he finds only one ticket.  Brit-Chrissy gives Robin only one ticket as well.  Brit-Chrissy/Janet gave the other ticket to Jo/Amer-Chrissy.

Robin takes the soldier out of Brit-Chrissy's hand.  Robin/Jack takes the tray to Jo/Amer-Chrissy.  The American audience claps.  Interestingly, Jack gets into both girls' beds when he serves them (hey, be nice), but Robin only gets into Brit-Chrissy's.  Brit-Chrissy/Janet asks, "What about me?"
Robin:  You get your own.
Jack:  There's plenty left in the kitchen.

Jo would like a boiled egg.  Brit-Chrissy, disgusted by the turn of events rather than the egg, says, "Oh, charming."  Robin says something in French that sounds like it means egg and Marmite.

Janet gets up and makes her way to the living room.  She says, "Just like a man, a girl gives you what you want, and you drop her like a hot potata" (with that pronunciation).

Amer-Chrissy refuses to give Jack the ticket.  He asks her if she loves her country.  She says of course.  He starts to tell her about a little Swedish girl.
Chrissy:  How little?
Jack:  Average.  A little more average in some places than others.
He says that to this girl he is America.  "If I break my promise, she's gonna go back to Sweden and say that Americans are liars.  In Sweden, this sort of thing spreads fast.  It's a very small country.  Next thing you know, they'll break off relations.  No more Nobel prizes, no more operations.  All because you didn't give me your ticket."  He starts singing "America the Beautiful."

Chrissy gives him the ticket.  He says she's a great patriot.  She says, "No, I just love a good lie when I hear one."  She snort-laughs.

Jack exits to the living room.  And someone knocks on the British front door, so Robin goes to answer it. 

Don't sit there!:  Jack says, "Oh, Frankie, I did it my way."  Then he sings a bit of Sinatra's "That's Life."  He goes to the phone and punches in the numbers.  He turns the receiver into a mic.  Then he says, "Hello, Inga."  He invites her to the concert and, offscreen, she says yes.

Brit-Larry is here, with flowers.  Before seeing who's answering, Larry says, "Morning, Gorgeous."  For once, Robin doesn't make a queeny joke.  The flowers are for Chrissy, from the Ropers' windowbox.

Brit-Larry sits on the shoebox.  Since Amer-Larry doesn't return to the episode after going to the Regal Beagle, it's Jack who sits on the shoebox. 

Robin is aghast.
Robin:  Larry, you just sat on a budgie. 
Larry:  (standing up) No, it's a shoebox.
Robin tells him that there was a budgie inside.

Jack looks down and realizes what he's done.  You can hear oh-noes from the audience.  Jack is horrified.  He hangs up and then says, "I'll call you later."  The audience murmurs some more.

Brit-Larry says it's cruel to keep a budgie in a shoebox.  Robin says it's even crueler to sit on the bloody thing.  They listen to the box but they can't hear any breathing.  They argue over who should look in the box.

Jack stands up.  Janet enters from the kitchen.  He points at the box.  She puts her ear to the box but doesn't hear any breathing.  They argue over who should look inside.

George knocks and lets himself in.  Robin hides the box behind his back.  George sees the flowers and says, "Oh, they're nice.  We've got some like that in our windowbox."

He mentions his present for Mildred and Larry asks about it.  (Remember, he was playing darts with Jo at the time.)  Larry isn't happy to hear it's a budgie.

Robin hesitates to tell George, and then says that Larry sat on the budgie.  The scene ends there.

Stanley rings the doorbell and Janet answers.  He says Helen is coming up in a minute, and he wants to give her the parakeet in front of everybody.  Jack says the parakeet isn't altogether well.
Stanley:  What's wrong with my bird?
Janet:  Jack sat on it!
Jack explains that it was accidentally.

(The way Stanley says "bird" and the audience reaction makes it sound like a double entendre.  There's a similar joke in Bikini Beach from 1964, and I've never understood it there either.  Just as there are words, like "boner," that have taken on new connotations, I think there are some words that have lost meanings over the last few decades.)

Typical male:  We briefly switch over to the British kitchen, where the girls are leaving the bedroom, Jo carrying the tray. 
Chrissy:  Honestly, that's a typical male, give them what they want, and they're away.
Jo:  I know, even if it's only a ticket.

Back in the lounge, George is sad.  Then he looks in the shoebox and sees that it's empty.  Brit-Chrissy comes in and says she let the budgie loose in the bathroom.  Jo comes in and says she opened the bathroom window, and accidentally let the budgie out.

George:  Oh, that's marvelous, isn't it?  First you sit on it and then you sling it out the window.  Why don't you flush it down the loo and be done with it?
Robin:  Mr. Roper, you're overwrought.  Sit down.
Larry:  Yeah, pull up a budgie.
Robin tells him to shut up.

Brit-Chrissy says the budgie is definitely gone.  Jo says they're very sorry.

George:  Mildred gets very sentimental on our wedding anniversary.  If I don't give her anything, she'll murder me.
Stanley:  If I don't give Helen a present, I'll never hear the end of it.

Brit-Chrissy asks George if he'd like to go and see Frank Sinatra.  He says, "What for?  He doesn't sell budgies," my favorite line on the episode.  She has Robin and Jo turn over their tickets.  The British scene ends there.

Helen comes in and Janet looks like she's going to cry.  Helen says, "I'm ready for my surprise."

Jack has her close her eyes and put her hand out.  She does.  He hands Mr. Roper the tickets to give to her.

Like gold:  Downstairs later at the Brit-Ropers', she's in a purple pantsuit, putting on her make-up.  He's polishing his shoes.  She says that the tickets for Sinatra are like gold.

The scene continues in America, with Helen looking at the tickets for Sinatra and saying they're like gold.  They're incidentally yellow-colored. 

George says he went to a lot of trouble and expense.  Helen asks, "Stanley, how did you manage to get them?"  Stanley says, "It wasn't easy."  The American audience applauds.

Helen wants to take Stanley downstairs so she can pick out the clothes she'll wear to the concert.  Mildred/Helen says she can remember swooning over Frankie when she was a teenager.  Helen dashes out.  Calling after her, Stanley says, "He's not that old, is he?"  He laughs and winks at the kids/audience.  There's more applause.  On MatH, it's just George asking, "He's not that old, is he?"

And then the shows split again.

So much for Inga:  Mildred says that when Frankie sang, it was all she could do to keep her bobbysox on.  And then she notices a budgie on the railing next door.

George dashes out, although she tells him they'll be late.

Upstairs, Jo is dressed for daytime.  She's holding a hand of cards.  She keeps telling Robin to hit her, so he keeps giving her cards.
Robin:  Jo, you must have more than 21 by now.
Jo:  No, I've only got 11.
Robin:  Not 21 cards!

Chrissy comes in, her hair in a towel.

Jo says Sinatra would be going into his first number.  Robin says Inga would be sitting beside him, melting.  Chrissy says, "Inga?  You mean the Swedish girl from the college?"  When Robin says yes, and he asked her out several times but she always refused, Chrissy says, "She's asked me out several times and I've always refused."  He's surprised and says, "She's not, is she?"  Chrissy shrugs.

Jo says Mrs. Roper will be enjoying the concert.  Chrissy looks out the window and says she doesn't think so.

Then there's an exterior with George up a tree, trying to get the girl budgie.  Mildred is annoyed and says they're going to miss the second half as well.  George has brought birdseed up to lure the budgie and he ends up spilling it all over Mildred.

And so ends the British episode.

After the Amer-Ropers leave, Janet tells Jack, "Well, Honey, I guess you're not gonna get that thank you from your girlfriend." 

Chrissy comes in and says, "I almost forgot about the parakeet."  It turns out that the box is empty.  She says that she couldn't leave the poor little thing in there all night.  She let it loose to fly around in the bathroom.  In their case, the parakeet has not flown away.

Jack is so angry at Chrissy that he moves and sounds like Frankenstein.  Janet tries to stop him, but he chokes Chrissy with Janet in between them.

The Bump:  At the start of the American tag, Stanley is reading the newspaper.  Helen comes in wearing her bobbysoxer outfit, including a letter sweater.  He says he likes it, without looking up.

She answers the doorbell for Chrissy and Jack.  They wish her a happy anniversary and she says, "How sweet!"

They've brought a lady parakeet.  Stanley is surprised and says, "It's alive?"  Helen says, "No, Stanley, they've given us a dead parakeet."

Stanley says he'll put it in the cage with the other one and they can do what comes naturally.
Helen:  What's that, Stanley?
Stanley:  You know.
Helen: (to Chrissy and Jack) Would you excuse us?  I want Stanley to refresh my memory.
She skips and leads him into the bedroom.

Chrissy and Jack laugh and then do the Bump, saying, "Whee!"  Then they exit.

And the American episode ends.

Commentary:  Even before the tickets are a temptation, these episodes feature not only RCST but JJST.  This isn't the only episode where Jack and Janet use terms of endearment for each other (something Amer-Chrissy doesn't do), but it is one of the more notable ones.  Jack calls Janet Babe and Honey, and she calls him Honey.  And the way he requests affection is a lot more physical than Robin does in that scene.  Janet is right to call him a groper, in contrast to Robin, who's known for his gentleness.  When Jack says both sides are good, he's flattering her about the tickets, but sounds sincere.

Robin asks his Chrissy for a bit of the other, and she turns him down just for today.  Although Robin is sucking up to Brit-Chrissy at the time, he probably does think she's beautiful, if not incredibly, radiantly beautiful.  And of course there's the frisking and spanking.  He claims he's not after her youthful body, but if it would help....

Both Brit-Chrissy and Janet claim to be very passionate, which won't exactly discourage Robin and Jack.  And we learn that Janet not only likes to blow in Jack's ear but to have him lick behind her ear.

Robin still secondarily lusts after Jo, as the exchange about earning a bonus in bed indicates, and of course this carries over for Jack and Amer-Chrissy.  We don't get an equivalent of Robin saying that Jo has nothing he wants, that she's likely to give him, but both men shift their attentions to the other flat/roommate when they realize what happened to the second ticket.

It's notable that Brit-Chrissy doesn't string Jo along but almost immediately lets her in on how she's using Robin, while Janet tries to get what she can out of both roomies.  Yes, the ticket-holders are unscrupulous, but it's not like they carry it too far.  And they do draw the line at Larry flogging/scalping the tickets, although that would've been a good solution, if it weren't illegal.

Not much to say about the Larrys, other than once again Amer-Larry is a more minor character than his British counterpart.  It would take Richard Kline till the fourth season to make his way into the opening credits.  "Bird Song" is only Larry's fifth episode of what would eventually be 111.  In contrast, Doug Fisher has been an integral part of MatH since series three.

I've lost track of how many times Brit-Chrissy remarks on "a typical male," usually Robin.

Since these episodes feature the budgie and parakeet so prominently, with even a promise of mating, I went back and retroactively tagged a bunch of the episodes and the movie.  It's arguable that Roper's bird is more prominent on MatH than on 3'sC, since they got a live bird and the episode ends with George trying to catch the girl budgie.  It's clear that both birds are outlets for affection for the husbands, with the wives jealous of the attention.  It's not surprising that the British show comes closer to Mr. Roper using the word "cock," particularly considering the visual pun in the closing credits (rooster between two cats).

I'm not sure why they had Jack rather Janet be the one to give the tickets to the Ropers, but it works either way.

I'm with Brit-Chrissy and Janet on the subject of Frank Sinatra.  It's nothing to do with him being a granddad, since I'd still give Paul Simon (the singer, not the senator) a tumble.  Sinatra is just too Vegasy for me.  But I do recognize what a huge star he was, apparently in the U.K. as well as U.S.  It must've been nice for NRW not to have to swap out a 50+ British singer for someone the Americans would know about.  Sinatra turned 60 the December after "Come Fly with Me" came out, and the title of the episode comes from his 1958 album.

My favorite added moment for the American episode is Jack's speech about Sweden.  It is a good lie.

I like that Brit-Swedish-Inga is a lesbian for no particular reason, and Chrissy is completely casual about it.  Jack will later date a girl named Inga, on the "skiing" episode, although she seems to be American-born and has no discernible foreign accent.

"Did You Ever Meet Rommel?", which aired on 30 January 1974, had the Ropers celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary.  The American version of "No Children, No Dogs" was where those Ropers had their 20th anniversary, and it aired April 7, 1977.  For once, the American continuity is closer, although still wrong.  And of course, it feels off that Mildred/Helen was young enough to be a bobbysoxer Sinatra fan if she met George/Stanley during the war, although maybe that explains why they waited more than a decade to get married.