"The Tender Trap"

This absolutely charming episode could never have been adapted for 3'sC, for reasons that will soon become apparent.  It takes its title from the 1955 movie starring Frank Sinatra and Debbie Reynolds, which in turn was based on a stage play.  This episode aired on 3 April 1975, a significant date since it allows for a great deal of chronology.

Anything of value:  We open with Robin in the kitchen, not only trying to mend a radio but reeling off a bunch of jargon about it.
Jo:  Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Robin:  I don't even know what I'm saying!

When he asks for some piece whose name he and I have never heard of, she immediately hands it to him.  She says it was just a lucky guess.

Chrissy comes in, skeptical about Robin's radio-mending skills.  Jo tells her that right in the middle of Pete Murray, the radio just spluttered and died.  Chrissy says he wasn't getting any younger.  (Ironically, d.j. Pete Murray is still alive at 85.)

When Robin doesn't recognise one item on the table, Chrissy says it's one of her heated rollers.  (Perhaps left in the kitchen after Jo defrosted?)

Chrissy:  Honestly, if I had anything of value, I wouldn't let him anywhere near it.
Robin:  Yes, you've made that perfectly clear, Chrissy, many, many times.

She tells him to clear up before her mother arrives.  Robin says it's a good thing she didn't share a flat with old Isaac Newton.  Gravity wouldn't have been invented and we'd all be sucked out into space.

Chrissy says her mother "comes here to see the way I live and I'm determined she's not going to."  Jo says Mrs. Plummer comes to see Chrissy and won't care how the flat looks.  Robin says she lives on a farm and is used to pig sties.

Robin finishes with the radio and turns it on.  He and Chrissy put their heads close together to listen.  They're confused when they hear Chamberlain talking about Hitler.

Der Fuehrer's Face:  Downstairs at the Ropers', the radio is tuned to the same programme about WWII.  Mildred says it takes you back.  George recalls shouting defiance at the woman across the street, who was German, or Swiss, or French.  Well, she was foreign anyway.  Chuckling, he says, "We got her cat."

He sings a bit of "Der Fuehrer's Face," with a raspberry of course.  He goes through some sheet music, because there's going to be a British Legion concert next Saturday. 

She won't go since he's singing.  She'll have a headache and claims that he always has one when she wants to do something.

He thinks she's jealous. 
George:  You don't like the spotlight falling on me.
Midlred:  Now that I'd come to see.

He has 20 tickets to get rid of.

We go out to the entryway, where Robin invites Chrissy down to the pub.  She says she can't greet her mother smelling of lager and lime.  He suggests a breath freshener, but she says her mother would smell that and think she's been on the gin.  He suggests vodka, since it doesn't smell of anything and you just keep falling over but nobody knows why.  She hands him two glasses and says, "Push off."  (Can you carry alcohol out of a pub if you provide your own glasses?)

George comes out of his flat and invites her to the concert.  Mildred follows after a bit and suggests that Chrissy will be washing her hair, which Chrissy uses as an excuse.  George asks about the young fellow, whatshisname.  (Good grief, Robin's been living there over a year and a half, and George still doesn't know his name?)  Chrissy says Mr. Roper will have to ask Robin himself.

Worries:  We next see Chrissy upstairs, finding rubbish in the settee.  She pulls out a thrupenny bit (3 pennies, or pence).  Since that coin was discontinued in 1971, Jo says it must be worth a pound.  Chrissy says no, a pound is worth about a thrupence.

Jo is going down to the shops, so Chrissy asks her to pop into the hairdresser's, since Chrissy hasn't got the time.  Jo is a bit confused but as usual takes everyting in stride.  She asks what style Chrissy wants.  Chrissy wants a bottle of setting lotion.

They talk about Chrissy's mother, who worries about her.  When Jo says Chrissy worries about her mother, Chrissy says, "I only worry about her worrying about me."  Her mother asks when she's going to get married, if she's eating enough, when she's going to get married, if she's wearing her winter woolies (thermal underwear), and when she's going to get married.

The doorbell rings and Jo answers.  She and Mrs. Plummer exchange a cheek kiss.  When Mrs. Plummer asks how she is, Jo says, "Well, I'm eating very well and I'm wearing my winter woolies."  She leaves with a slightly mischievous smile. 
Mrs. Plummer:  Now there's a sensible girl.
Chrissy:  (as her mum kisses her cheek) Yeah, but I can't help worrying when she's gonna get married.

Daphne Oxenford is reprising her role as Mrs. Plummer.  She did a TV-movie way back in 1949 and apparently is still alive at the age of 91 or 92, having played the Queen Mother in a 2002 TV-movie called Prince William.  In between, she did a lot of Coronation Street, among other credits.

Mrs. Plummer has packages from shopping.  She's been combing London, looking for Mr. Plummer's socks, those hairy things he wears.  She thought they "became illegal when we joined the Common Market."

Her husband sent Chrissy a package of pig's trotters, since you don't see a lot in London.  Chrissy says, "Yeah, that's mainly why I came to live here."

Mrs. Plummer says it's taken years off her husband becoming a grandfather.  Susan's named the baby after him.  Chrissy says, "She's called it Dad?"  No, she's named it Dudley after him.

Mrs. Plummer bought "the most gorgeous christening gown" for next Saturday.  It's a family heirloom, since they have to start somewhere.

Mrs. Plummer wrote about the christening in a letter, which she now hands to Chrissy.  There's no point in wasting a stamp.  Chrissy says, "I'll tell you what, I'll write a letter confirming it and bring it home with me."

The same vicar who married Susan and her husband is doing the christening.  "Talking of marriage."  Chrissy tries to distract her mother by going in the kitchen to make tea, but her mother follows.
Mrs. Plummer:  The vicar keeps saying, "When's your Chrissy going to tie the knot?"
Chrissy:  Listen, I'm not getting knotted just to please the vicar.  There's no panic.  I know I'm doddering up to 21, but some men prefer older women.

From the online Urban Dictionary:

British slang, not that common any more.
An insult, Knotted makes reference to either your guts or your willy. Always acompanied by 'Get...'.

"Get Knotted, you bastard".
"He can go get Knotted".

I'm surprised to find that after all this time Chrissy is still only 20.  (Unless of course she's lying to her mother, but that seems extremely unlikely.)  This means she was born between April 1954 and March of 1955, probably at the earlier end.  She was only 18 or 19 at the time of "In Praise of Older Men."  She was also 18 or 19 when we met her.  And at the time her three-year lease expired, she was 19 or 20, meaning she moved to London at 16 or 17, presumably right out of school, pig's trotters or not.

Her mother "changes the subject" to "Where's that nice young man you share with, Robin?"  Chrissy sees through her, but her mother keeps going.  She asks if Robin is engaged, so Chrissy says, "No, still vacant," as if he's a flat.

As Robin comes home, Chrissy asks her mother not to drop hints about marriage.  Mrs. Plummer innocently says, "Me?"

Robin comes in and gives Mrs. Plummer a kiss on the cheek.  She tells him about buying her husband socks and says, "I don't suppose you've got anyone to darn your socks."  Chrissy tells her to "never discuss politics, religion, or socks."

Robin:  How are things in Cornwall?
Mrs. Plummer:  They're probably very nice, but we live in Sussex.

He says the nearest he's been is Exeter.  Chrissy says, "You're nearer than that now."

Mrs. Plummer says that Chrissy will be down next weekend for the christening.  Chrissy says it's her sister's baby.  Robin says, "How nice."

Mrs. Plummer:  Do you like babies?

Chrissy:  Mother!

Robin:  (confused) She didn't mention socks.

Mrs. Plummer invites him down as well.  "I'm sure your father would love to meet him."  Chrissy says Robin is terribly busy at weekends.  For one thing, he washes his hair.  And that weekend, "Mr. Roper's got plans for you, very exciting."  Robin is further confused.

Wuthering Heights:  At the Ropers', she's reading Wuthering Heights and wearing a blue top and blue slacks, the latter with what appear to be bananas!  George is trying out a song, but it turns out she's wearing earplugs.

Robin knocks and lets himself in.  He asks about the very exciting plans.  George tells him about the British Legion concert next Saturday.  Robin says he's busy but has trouble coming up with an excuse.  Mildred tries to signal him, but he thinks she's just scratching her head.  He says he's going to spend the weekend with Chrissy's parents.  She's says that's even better than washing your hair.

Fetlocks:  Back in the kitchen upstairs, Mrs. Plummer says it'll be a quiet weekend in the country.  Chrissy says it won't be quiet. 

Chrissy:  You'd keep nattering on about what a lovely wife I'd make someone.  I don't want to be put up at a cattle auction.  "Here's my daughter, 130 pounds of prime breeding stock."

Mrs. Plummer:  Oh, you've put on weight.

Chrissy says Robin doesn't like the countryside.  When he returns, she wants him to confirm this, but he exclaims, "I love it!"

Mrs. Plummer says Robin will meet Chrissy's sister, who's married although younger.  (So married and a mum by 19?)  Chrissy is annoyed about the hint-dropping, so her mother goes to freshen up.

Chrissy stands next to Robin and waves her pointer finger at him warningly. 

Chrissy:  You're gonna regret this.

Robin:  Don't point that at me, it might go off.

She says her family will spend the whole weekend examining him.  In an amused American voice, he says, "Oh, really?"

Chrissy:  They're all in farming and they know what to look for.

Robin:  (waving his pointer at her as Jo comes in) I'll match my fetlocks with the best of 'em.
(A fetlock is the joint on a horse's leg just behind the hoof, or the hair that grows at this joint, hence the "locks.")

Mr. Roper just tried to give Jo a ticket to the concert, but she said no.  Robin asks how she got out of it.  Forthright Jo says, "I told him it sounded boring and I didn't want to go."  She exits.

Chrissy tells Robin that her mother will spend the whole weekend match-making them.  He says, "Awww!" as if he thinks this is cute.  Then he teases that he can't stay a bachelor all his life.  "She might just talk me into it."  He tries to snuggle up against Chrissy.  She's annoyed, but then they nuzzle faces as we go to a break.

Pater:  The next scene is set at a British Railways station.  She says her father will be here to meet them.  Robin asks if it's all right if he calls him Dad.  Then he suggests Pater and Pops.

They go over to the car.  Chrissy introduces her father, but we get a close-up of a pig.  Robin is taken aback, while Chrissy's amused.

Trapped:  The following scene is set in the large lounge or den of Chrissy's childhood home.  Her dad may be a farmer, but don't picture Pa Kettle.  The room looks gorgeous and old-fashioned, not just the furniture but the fireplace and vases of flowers.  We can catch a glimpse of the green countryside through the windows. 

Mrs. Plummer quickly exits as Robin, Chrissy, and Mr. Plummer come in the front door, Chrissy and her dad embracing.

Mr. Plummer asks if Robin minded riding with the pig in his lap.  Robin says he's glad it wasn't the cow.

Chrissy says it's nice to be home.  Her father doesn't understand why she left.  What's London got to offer?  She suggests, "Hairy socks?"  He's played by Glynn Edwards, the ex-husband of Yootha Joyce!  He's younger than both Yootha and Daphne Oxenford, being only 44 at the time of this episode.  He often played policemen.

Chrissy's father has her sit down while he goes to put the car away.  Robin stands by the mantelpiece and says he can see he'll be marrying into money.  He sings a dopey farmer song.  He's amused by this situation.  She's sorry she ever told him.

Her mother comes in and asks about their train ride.  Robin says it was first-class (meaning excellent) although they rode second-class.

Mrs. Plummer mentions Susan, and Robin says, "Ah, yes, she's younger than Chrissy but married."  Robin says he loves babies and asks Chrissy, "Wouldn't you like a baby?"  She says, "Not just at the moment."  He thinks triplets would be nice.  She says, "Yeah, one of each."

Mrs. Plummer says Esmeralda had ten last week.  Chrissy explains that this is the pig.

Chrissy suggests they talk about the Common Market, so her mother says that she was reading that in France and Italy people are getting married younger than ever before.

As Mr. Plummer comes in, Chrissy has her mum go in the kitchen with her to make tea.  He doesn't want any, preferring something stronger. 

Rather than Pater or Pops, Robin calls him Mr. Plummer, and he says to call him Dudley.  He offers Robin home-made elderberry wine or a drop of malt whiskey.  Robin says he's torn.  Dudley says, "No, you're not, but you're tactful."

Dudley says, "You're planning to marry our Chrissy, are you?"  Robin says he's not, although he respects her of course.  Dudley says he didn't think Robin was.

They drink as they talk, and Robin turns out to be a real lightweight.  Dudley says Robin doesn't know what he let himself in for.  Young Ted, Susan's husband, was like Robin.  He came down here for a quiet weekend, and he was engaged when he left.  Robin says, "That's not likely to happen to me."  Dudley says those were Ted's exact words.  If Mrs. Plummer thinks Robin is right for our Chrissy, he might as well book the organist.

Robin says he's too young for marriage.  (It's still not clear how old he is.  Probably not more than a few years older than Chrissy.)  Dudley understands and rhetorically asks, "Why stick to one kind of licorice when you can have allsorts?"  They laugh together like mates.

Dudley says young people these days sleep together at the drop of a hat.  Robin says that's true, well, sometimes.  He says he hasn't with Chrissy.  He confides, "Mind you, Dudley, it's not for want of trying."  Dudley is no longer matey but a protective father, "You mean you tried to sleep with my daughter?"  Robin babbles an explanation.

Susan and Ted come in, he with a baby carrier.  Ted is a young blond in a suit and tie, I think because of the christening.  John Colclough had previously appeared on MatH as Nigel in "I Won't Dance."  Susan has brown hair in a similar style to Chrissy's and we'll later see that they're close in height.  They look more like each other than either looks like the parents.  Sheila Dunion didn't do much television, but she was in Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell with all those people from the MatH movie.

Dudley introduces Robin, then Susan says she'll take Dudley in the kitchen, since he seems to have wet himself again.  Robin thinks she means Mr. Plummer and then realises, "Oh, Dudley the baby!"

After Susan leaves with little Dudley, Ted asks if Robin is a friend of Chrissy's.  Robin says yes, he's down for the weekend, just like Ted.  He laughs.  He says he's just been hearing about it.  He drinks some more.  He says, "Mind you, I have no intention of getting trapped into marriage.  I'll be more careful."  Ted indignantly says, "Look, Mate, that baby's only three months old.  We've been married a year!" 

(This puts Ted and Susan's wedding during the gap between Series Two and Three.  Did Chrissy go to Sussex while Larry was staying in the flat?  It seems more likely the wedding was before.  And the baby was born around the new year.)

Robin babbles and says that Dudley told him Ted was trapped.  Dudley says he said nothing of the sort.  Ted says this is practically slander. 

Chrissy comes in with a tea tray and asks Robin, "Have you been making friends with everyone?"  He says, "Well, sort of."

 That's what I say:  Back at the Ropers', she's wearing a green scarf and green slacks, which goes well with her cutting flowers.  He's still going through sheet music.  One song is a bit high for his voice, so she says, "Well, if I can be of any help, George," and flourishes her shears.

She suggests he sing something more modern, something with more meaning for the people of today, like "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction."

She's still not going, so he says he could order her to go.  She's amused and dares him to order her.  She says then she might do it, or she might flatten him.

He says he's gotten rid of one ticket.

Then we see him talking to Jo in the entryway, and she asks if he put the ticket under her door.  He says there's no charge.  She says she's going out with her boyfriend then.  So he gives her another ticket.

Bloomed:  Chrissy, her family, and Robin return from the christening.  Chrissy says, "Honestly, Mum, you cry at a harvest festival."  Amused, Susan says that another five mintues and the fonts would've overflowed.

"It's Norman you know," Mrs. Plummer says of the church, but Robin thinks she means the vicar.

Chrissy looks at the baby as her sister holds him, but then Susan passes her Dudley because he's about to poo-poo.  Susan is going to get a new nappie.

There's a close-up of Dudley.  Robin says he has his mummy's eyes and chin.  Chrissy says he also has his mum's nose.
Chrissy:  I don't think he's got anything of yours, Ted.
Ted:  Eh?
Chrissy:  Well, not that you can see anyway.

Mrs. Plummer looks at Chrissy and Robin with the baby and says to her husband, "Don't they make a lovely picture?"  He says to not rush, because she has the whole weekend.

Susan wants Ted to learn to change the baby.  He's reluctant, so she says it's no different than mucking out a cowshed.

After they exit, Mrs. Plummer says that Susan's bloomed since she got married.  Chrissy says she would rather wait a few years before having children.  Her mother asks Robin how he feels about that.  Chrissy says it's got nothing to do with him. 

To tease Chrissy, Robin says the more the merrier, the quicker the better.  He'd like eleven, with a tall one to be the goalkeeper, as in football.  Mrs. Plummer says, "You'd need a big house," and says there's one for sale at the edge of the village.  Chrissy leads her off for a word.  Mr. Plummer says they're going to finalise the date.  He pours Robin some champagne.

In the kitchen, Chrissy says Robin doesn't want to get married.  Her mother says, "It doesn't sound like that to me."  Chrissy says he's taking the mickey.  Her mother says, "You're no judge of character."  And she says she's invited the vicar for tea tomorrow.

Back in the den, Robin says Chrissy has a great sense of humour.  He sees her return, so he starts talking about roses round the cottage door, a pipe and slippers, and a casserole. 

She moves towards him with an empty vase.  He picks up another champagne glass and says, "You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you?"

The phone rings and Chrissy answers.  It's Jo calling about the gold earrings she loaned Chrissy.  She can't find them.  Chrissy pretends that the flat has flooded, with a burst water tank, and the whole ceiling down.  Jo says, "No, gold earrings."  Chrissy says they'll come straight back, catch the next train.

Tea caddy:  We next see Jo fixing her make-up in the lounge mirror.  Chrissy and Robin return.  Robin pretends to be impressed that Jo dried up the whole floor and replastered the ceiling, all in two hours.  Chrissy says, "I just couldn't stand another day of you and my mother."  Jo says it's all right, she found the earrings in the tea caddy.

Mr. Roper lets himself in without knocking.  He saw them come in.  He says they shouldn't have gone to all that trouble, coming back early for the concert.  He saved them two tickets.  Jo is amused.

Like a horse and carriage:  The last scene is set at the British Legion.  A woman onstage bows and the onscreen audience claps.  The curtains shut.

Chrissy, Robin, Mildred, Jo, and Jo's date are in the front row.  The curtains open again.  George comes onstage in a straw hat and bow tie.  Mildred looks miserable, Robin as if he's having a great time.  There's a pianist to accompany the acts, and George launches into "Love and Marriage."  He's terrible of course.

Robin takes Chrissy's hand.  She tells him, "Get off!" and pulls away.  Mildred is humiliated and puts her white-gloved hand to her face.

Commentary:  As the episode begins, there's no indication that Robin is going to spend the weekend with Chrissy's family.  So the exchange about what she has of value just comes across initially as their usual banter.  And Chrissy's mother's visit just seems like a follow-up to the second episode, where Mrs. Plummer thought that people "were doing it all over."

We get a lot of insight into how Chrissy's family has shaped her personality.  Her sense of humour has her father's dryness-- she could say the "you're tactful" line-- but there's also the way she gently parodies her mother's dottiness, like with bringing her RSVP for the christening home with her and talking about Jo getting married.  Clearly, spending a couple decades with her mother has prepared her for Jo's Gracie-Allenness.  Also, if her mother is going to see the Common Market only in terms of hairy socks and early marriages, then it's no wonder that Chrissy doesn't want her to discuss politics, religion, or socks.   That pun and lines like the "triplets" one showcase Chrissy's wit as never before, and part of this episode's charm is that the writing has never been better, not just the wit but the character development of Chrissy and her family.

The type of feminist Chrissy is seems to have much to do with her mother nagging her about getting married.  Susan seems to have gotten married right out of school.  (She has to be at least a year younger than Chrissy and could be as young as 17, although she doesn't come across as that young.)  But Chrissy followed a different path, to London and independence.  Yes, she's "only a secretary," but she supports herself.  If her feminism sounds argumentative at times, it's no wonder.  She's got to contend with a mother who wants to treat her like prime breeding stock.

We don't get much of Chrissy's relationship with her sister, but it's interesting that she's the older one, because it confirms what we learn of her protectiveness towards some other women, like Angela in "Come Into My Parlour."  She and Susan seem to share a similar sense of humour, view of their parents, and practicality, as when Susan compares changing a baby to mucking out the cowshed.  Growing up on a farm has probably contributed to their realism.  It is ironic that Chrissy on "Two Foot Two" claimed she knew nothing about babies, but then she wasn't yet an aunt.

Chrissy's father comes across as more likable than her mother, more easy-going.  The scene with him and Robin drinking together doesn't have the sleazy undertone that the scene between Jerry and Larry did on "All in the Game," but then Dudley isn't an unscrupulous building contractor.  He's a protective father like Jerry, but seems less hypocritical about it.  He seems like he'd hit it off with Robin's father, although he's less blunt.

We don't see much of Ted but there's the impression that Susan is brighter and less innocent than he is, if not as sophisticated as Chrissy.

Robin's attitude towards the matchmaking is interesting.  On the one hand, he doesn't take it very seriously.  He thinks he's cleverer than Ted and so can't be trapped.  Therefore, he's mostly amused by it, even when it means he's going to be sized up as a potential stud.  Also, it provides an opportunity for him to tease Chrissy.  And yet, there is an undercurrent that he likes being matchmade with her, likes that her family would like to welcome him in.  (Well, maybe not Ted, but they presumably make up.)  The line about not being a bachelor all his life takes on resonance if you know what happens to his character down the road.  (At the risk of being over-spoilery, within three years Robin will be married to a woman he hasn't yet met.)  As for Robin loving babies, he did say back on "Two Foot Two" that he quite likes kids, so I don't think he's just playing along with Mrs. Plummer on that.

"I have to wash my hair," judging by TV sitcoms, seems to have died out as an excuse at some point in the late 1970s.  I had a theory that everyone with access to a bathroom washed their hair a few times a week, until the 1980s, when it became daily, but searching the Internet has not confirmed this.  If anything, it turns out that it depends on your culture and type of hair.  But from what I recall, white middle-class girls, at least on TV, had hair that took a long time to wash and brush, particularly in the days before blowdryers, especially if the hair was long.  The Brady girls for instance.  Even then, it was meant to be a lame but polite excuse to turn down an invitation.  It was a less common excuse for men, but not implausible for Robin, who's regarded as a long-hair.

If there's any doubt that Jo is a supporting character rather than a lead, simply compare her nephew's christening in "And Then There Were Two."  On that episode, we only got a glimpse of her family situation, and the plot mostly concentrated on the RCST.  Here, we spend time with Chrissy's family before and after the christening, and little Dudley gets some screen time.  Meanwhile, we don't even find out the name of Jo's date.

This episode's title may refer not only to Mrs. Plummer, who tenderly tries to trap young men into marrying her daughters, but also to Mr. Roper's more successful attempts to trap his wife and tenants into attending his concert.  Mrs. Roper's book choice this episode is probably not accidental.  She dares George to be more like Heathcliff, but she doesn't realise that he can manipulate her more by not ordering her to go.  Making everyone think he's pathetic turns out to be his most powerful weapon. And, yes, she threatens him with castration, when she already doesn't think he's manly.

His song choice of course is perfect for this episode, and while the subplot itself is nothing remarkable, it does give us a nice closing scene.

The Name Game

The conversion of MatH24 is rather straightforward, although there are some interesting differences.  "Never Give Your Real Name" aired 27 March 1975, while "Will the Real Jack Tripper...." (with that punctuation) played on Feb. 14, 1978, the week before "Days of Beers and Weeds."  Like the "pot" episode, 3'sC27 was penned by producers Don Nicholl, Michael Ross, and Bernie West.  It hit #1, the very first time for the show!  (The next episode to reach that height was the second-season closer, with guest star Loni Anderson.)  So even if it weren't based on a MatH episode, it would be worth discussing.

Heated rollers:  As the episodes open, Jo/Janet is cleaning the lounge/living room window.  It's now so clear, she jokes that she can see houses across the way. 

On the American show, we learn that the window is stuck.  Chrissy suggests Janet call Mr. Roper.  Janet has, every name in the book.  Then she does an imitation of Mr. Roper.

Brit-Chrissy's hair is wrapped in a towel and she wants her heated rollers.  Jo is using them to defrost the fridge.  It's Amer-Chrissy using hot rollers in the fridge, although Janet isn't doing her hair at the moment, since she's cleaning the window.  Janet steps in the bucket, trying to stop Chrissy, and spills the water.

Jo spills the water onto the carpet just out of sheer clumsiness.  The phone rings on both shows, and Jo/Janet says that the carpet is ringing, which confuses the Chrissys.

A blonde girl in a phone box wants to speak to Robin Tripp.  A girl with short brown hair is calling from a phone booth and wants to speak to Jack Tripper.  The Chrissys say Robin/Jack isn't home.  The girls phoning say they can't leave messages because it's personal.  The Chrissys say they won't listen, then they give the girls the number for the flat/apartment upstairs, since that's where Robin/Jack is.

Airline pilot:  So we head up to Larry's.  In England, the attic flat has a wood-grained look that I don't remember from the "mouse" episode, although Larry had soft lighting going then, for his date.  He's also decorated with a poster of two blondes, one in a white peasant blouse and a big flowered hat, the other wearing just white knickers.  In America, it's only the third "Larry episode," with the second being one I'll discuss when we get up to its British equivalent.  In any case, I think this is the first time we see Larry's studio apartment.

Brit-Larry is shaving in a little mirror, while Robin reads a magazine called New, with a topless woman on the cover.  Jack's magazine is the more innocuous Sportview, with a basketball game on the cover.  Amer-Larry is treating Jack to a Lakers game.

When Jack thanks him, Larry says, "What are friends for?"  He was going to take Betty, but she's a lost cause.  He finds her picture among the ones hanging on his mirror and hands it to Jack.  Betty has a fantastic figure:  42, 21, 36.  She also has great shoulders.  Jack says, "She'd need 'em to hold all that up."  Larry says the only thing that spoils her is her mouth.  It keeps saying no.  The British mates have a similar conversation about a girl, although oddly enough her waist is 22 rather than 21, and Brit-Larry mentions her long legs.

Amer-Larry said goodbye and gave Betty his mother's wedding ring to remember him by.  It was a wonderful and valuable heirloom, and he keeps a supply of them on hand.  He likes to leave 'em happy.  This exchange does not happen on MatH.

Brit-Larry's ex called him Justin, while Betty called Amer-Larry Engelbert (as in Humperdinck).  The Larrys advise, "Never give your real name."  When Jack asks why, Larry says Jack has so much to learn.  Jack says, "Teach me," in a babyish way.  Larry says that after a break-up, the girls are running around asking if anyone's seen Paul Redford or Robert Newman.

Brit-Larry has used Justin Dupont, Cliff Westwood, and Oleo Portuguese, this last from a tin of sardines.  He was Orinoco Womble for a fortnight.  (As near as I can tell, there are no famous Justin Duponts, Cliff Westwoods, or Justin Westwoods and Cliff Duponts for that matter.  Orinoco was the Womble who played the keyboards, and he was named after a South American river.)

The phone rings.  The Larrys answer, the American saying, "Yello?"  In England, it's Sandra Bennett, while in America it's Sandra Boyd.  Brit-Larry remembers the girl with "the blonde hair and the mole on her--", while Amer-Larry recalls "the cute little brunette with the mole on her--", the Sandras saying they're right before they can say where.

The blonde says he's the only Robin Tripp in the book.  Brit-Larry says that's a nice bit of detective work.  In a split screen, the brunette says Jack Tripper is in the phone book, which makes Amer-Larry think Jack is even more foolish about women.

Brit-Sandra says that Robin hasn't called round these last few weeks.  Amer-Sandra uses "called" in the American sense of phoning when she says Jack hasn't called in weeks.  The Larrys say they're airline pilots.  Brit-Sandra says she thought he was a fashionable dentist.  Amer-Sandra leaves out the word "fashionable."  Brit-Larry says that's only in his spare time, while Amer-Larry says it's more of a hobby.

Brit-Sandra would like to come round, but Larry claims he's forgotten the address.  She says it's in the book.  He hangs up and says he got cut off.  When Amer-Sandra wants to come by, Larry just hangs up and says he got cut off.

The Larrys want to leave, although the football match doesn't start for another hour and a half, the basketball game not for hours.  Amer-Larry says, "Neither does the car I'm driving," probably one he borrowed from his used car lot.  Brit-Larry says they'll have to buy toilet rolls, I guess because the washrooms won't have any.

Brit-Sandra is played by Suzanne Moore, who has only three other credits, none of them notable.  Susan Blu [sic] on the other hand, has a ton of mostly animated credits, from The Jetsons to Transformers Prime.  Her role as Sandra Boyd is unusual for her live-action parts since she usually played a secretary.

Vinegar:  Back in the flat, Jo wonders if she should apply vinegar or lemon juice to the carpet.  Chrissy says, "No, you're thinking of Dover sole."

3'sC shuffles scenes so that we next visit the Ropers, but I'll just go with the parallel scene rather than the consecutive one.  Amer-Chrissy is the one blow-drying the carpet, I guess because it's more her fault than Janet's.  Jo/Amer-Chrissy is worried about a clean patch.

3'sC next segues into the post-Ropers scene, but MatH continues with this one.  Robin and Larry arrive in the flat, and Robin asks what Jo's doing.  Chrissy says, "Cleaning the window."  Robin says Jo has a terrible sense of direction. 

He needs his football rattle and his red & white scarf.  But Jo has put the latter in the bucket, I guess to help mop up the carpet.  Chrissy suggests he wave a salami sausage, since that's red & white.  He says there's emotional tension during a football match.  He can't wave a salami sausage and say "Up the Saints."  Larry says Southampton will only score if Fulham don't turn up.  Robin rhetorically asks, "You don't like Southampton, do you?"  This is all continuing football fanships from back in the first episode.

The men leave.  Jo asks where they're going.  Chrissy sarcastically says, "To a cricket match."  Jo doesn't question this.

Solitaire:  Downstairs at the Ropers', he's trying to make the budgie/parakeet say his name.  Mrs. Roper is playing solitaire.  When his wife says his name in an irritated way, he says, "Oh/Ah, no, that was you, Mildred/Helen."  Helen says he'll never get the bird to talk.  He thinks the bird has a lazy beak.  She says, "He came to the right house."

Mildred thinks George should fix the kitchen shelves that fell down.  Helen wonders when Stanley is going to fix the window for the kids upstairs.  Mr. Roper says he hasn't the proper/right equipment.  She agrees.  He means his power drill, which is ten years old.  She says it's eleven, he got it for her birthday.

Mildred also wants George to mend the pedal bin (one of those kitchen trash containers with the lever you step on).  The shelves fell on it.

George/Stanley has been kibitzing, and he now tells her that the deck is missing three/four cards.  (So the Americans take an inch off Betty's waist and add a card?)

George goes out to the entryway, where Sandra's coming in.  She's looking for Mr. Tripp.  George says first floor.  (In the British sense.  George lives on the ground floor.)

Not important:  We find out that Jo only vacuums the part of the room she goes to.  Chrissy says it must be really hard work, being as lazy as Jo is.

The doorbell rings and Brit-Chrissy/Janet answers.  It's Sandra, looking for Robin/Jack.  Brit-Chrissy says she just missed him, while Janet adds the detail that he went to a basketball game.

Sandra says it's not important, then bursts into tears.  Brit-Chrissy brings her in and gives her a handkerchief, which she blows her nose on.  Janet invites Amer-Sandra in.  Sandra says no thank you, but comes in anyway.

Brit-Chrissy offers Sandra tea, but Jo says there isn't any.  Amer-Chrissy offers the tea and then remembers they're out of tea.  The Sandras cry more.  Jo/Amer-Chrissy offers to buy some tea.

The Sandras say they're pregnant.  They're sure.  It's been six weeks and they were sick yesterday.  Their father will kill them.

The girls ask if Robin/Jack is responsible.  He is.  Brit-Sandra adds the detail, "He said it was all right if we were standing up."

Amer-Sandra says, "I haven't seen him in months.  Well, at first I didn't worry, 'cause he told me he had a lot of cavities to fill."  Chrissy looks confused, Janet mildly disgusted.  Sandra says Jack is a very fashionable dentist.  Sandra tried to call Jack, but he just hung up on her.

The Sandras think they shouldn't have come here.  "He'll think I'm trying to trap him."  Brit-Chrissy says he's got to know sooner or later.  Janet says he has to be told.  The Sandras insist that the girls not even tell him she came by.  As the Sandras leave, they say, "Thank you for the tea."  Amer-Sandra bursts into sobs.

Brit-Chrissy/Janet tries to stop her, Janet calling, "Hey, what's your name?"  Then Janet closes the door.

Brit-Chrissy:  Honestly, that's typical.  Getting a girl pregnant.  Only a man could do that.
Amer-Chrissy:  Well, this is typical.  Getting a girl pregnant.  Only a man would do a thing like that.

On 3'sC, there's a dissolve, while MatH takes us back to the Ropers'.   The sort of parallel scene on 3'sC shows up much later.

Insinnuendos:  The 3'sC Ropers scene starts with Stanley impatiently trying to get the bird to speak, calling it dumbbell in his frustration.  Helen brings in a cake with one candle.  She's celebrating the tenth anniversary of her "new spring outfit."  (She's in her usual muumuu and beaded necklace with matching earrings.)

He says he's had a hard day.  She points out that it's only 10 in the morning, but he says he's been listening to her since 7.  He does his patented take to the camera, and the audience applauds as usual.

She asks if he's fixed the window in the kids' apartment yet.  He hasn't, so she says, "Honestly, if I want anything done around here, I have to do it myself.  And that includes just about everything."

Over on MatH, George talks about various tools he needs to mend each other before he can work.  She says, "If I want anything done in this house, I've got to do it myself.  And that applies to practically everything."  He says he's tired of her constant "insinnuendos."  There's many a woman who would appreciate him.  Stanley says there are lots of women who'd appreciate him.  He looks at himself admiringly in the mirror.

When asked to name a woman who admires him, George says the woman in the greengrocer's was giving him her come-hither glance, while Stanley says the blonde checker at the supermarket has lately been giving him that come-on look.  Mildred/Helen says, "Not out of her good eye."

The MatH scene ends here for the moment, but 3'sC continues with lines from further into the MatH episode, so we'll return to this later.

Is that her name?:  After the dissolve on 3'sC, Janet (who sometimes sounds like an Archie comic book character) says, "Gee whiz, Chrissy, he wouldn't even talk to her on the telephone."  Then Jack comes home.

We see Robin and Larry outside Robin's door.  Robin is talking about the match.  Larry seems distracted and keeps looking upstairs.  He turns down Robin's invitation for coffee in the flat, so Robin goes in alone.

The British girls are in the kitchen.  Robin comes in and starts gushing about the match, demonstrating with sugar cubes.  They don't seem interested.  Jack tells the girls in the living room about the game, referring to Kareem (Abdul Jabbar).  The girls try to ignore him.

Brit-Chrissy/Janet says Robin/Jack's girlfriend was here this afternoon.  He says, "Linda?"  Brit-Chrissy says, "Is that her name?"
Amer-Chrissy:  Is that her name?  It's too pretty for you.
Jack:  Luckily, I've got my own name already, thank you.
("Linda," by the way, means "beautiful" in Spanish.)

Brit-Chrissy/Janet starts to tell Robin/Jack about Sandra, but Jo/Amer-Chrissy says the girlfriend did tell them not to tell him.  Brit-Chrissy says somebody should tell him.

Robin/Jack asks what they're not supposed to tell him.  The Chrissys say he's going to be a father.

Robin is very surprised and says, "Oh, Christ!"  Jo says, "She's pregnant by you."  He says he gets the point.  Jo says, "So don't you tell her we told you she told us."  He's not even supposed to know she's been here.

Robin:  What have I done to deserve this?
Chrissy:  All you're thinking of is yourself.  You're a rat.
Robin:  I don't suppose there's any doubt.
Chrissy:  No, there isn't.  You're a rat.

She asks what he's going to do, and the scene ends on that cliffhanger.

Jack is stunned.  Slowly sinking to the floor, he says, "Oh my God!"  He misses the couch, so Chrissy tells him, "Be careful!"  He says, "I thought I was."  And the scene ends there.

All that and a bag of chips:  As I mentioned with "I Won't Dance," Alison Hughes returns as Linda, now with sort of a Dorothy Hamill/Carrie Fisher mid-'70s long-bob cut.  Anne Schedeen makes her first of five appearances on 3'sC, although Linda had been referred to on "Alone Together."  She's a tall, striking redhead who comes off better on this show than on what I've seen of her as the mom on ALF (1986-90).

Robin and Brit-Linda are at a restaurant fancy enough that he's wearing a tie.  Jack and Amer-Linda are in the side booth at the Regal Beagle, because the Americans don't build an extra set when they don't have to.  Brit-Linda talks about what she's going to order, but Robin isn't listening.  Jack sits stunned, with his chin in his hand.  Linda is drinking red wine.  She looks at an empty bag of potato chips and says she wants more chips, but he's not listening.

Robin says they've been going round together for three or four months, which would mean that they were dating three weeks ago, when he was trying to get Chrissy to stay in a hotel. 

Jack:  Linda, how long have you and I been going together?
Linda:  Oh, two or three months, give or take a month.
Jack:  I wish I could.
This is actually accurate chronology, for once on 3'sC, since "Alone Together" aired on Oct. 25th, three-and-a-half months earlier.  Of course, that episode implied that Jack and Linda had been going out for awhile, but it's still close enough.

Robin says he hasn't been going out with any other girls, which is true at least as far as what we see on the show, since the last non-Chrissy woman he did anything with was Angie, back in October.  Linda says, "Neither have I," making it sound like she hasn't gone out with any other girls either.  He says he wouldn't mind if she's been going out with any other fellows.  He wouldn't be at all jealous.  She hasn't.

Amer-Linda:  You know what?  I could really dig a pickled cucumber with those chips.  I've really got a craving.
Jack:  (to himself) Oh boy, here we go.  (speaking up) Linda, I never said you mustn't see other guys, did I?
Linda:  No.
Jack:  Well, then I guess you've been going out with lots of other guys besides me, right?
Linda:  (smiling) No.  When I'm going with someone, he's the one, the only one.
Jack:  What a shame.  No, I admire those values.

He says he wouldn't mind if she'd been seeing other guys.  She could tell him.  She hasn't.  He unconvincingly says that makes him very happy.

Robin picks up a tomato-shaped ketchup dispenser and fiddles with it.  He says he's sorry he missed her this afternoon, then corrects himself.  No, he didn't miss her, since she wasn't there, but he's sorry he wasn't there when she didn't come round.
Brit-Linda:  I'm gonna have a rum barber.
Robin:  I know, they told me.
(Maybe I heard her wrong, since rum barber seems to have more to do with barbers than rum.)

Amer-Linda:  I'm gonna have a bag of chips.
Jack:  I know, they told me!

Jack takes a sip of wine for courage.  Robin/Jack asks if Linda agrees that a baby should have a father as much as a mother.  Brit-Linda just says yes, but Amer-Linda gets the line, "It helps."

Robin blurts out, "Linda, I'm asking you to marry me."  She says, "Oh, Robin!" and squeezes his hands, squirting ketchup all over his face.  She and the audience are very amused.  She wipes his face with a serviette and we break for adverts.

Jack stutters as he asks Linda to marry him.  In her joy, she spills salt on the table, then throws it over her shoulder for good luck.  He tries to do the same but hits his head with the shaker.  And we go to commercial.

Rat or pig:  When we return, the British girls are watching an American movie on the telly, with "country" accents.
American actress:  I don't rightly know that.
American actor:  Did she not get my letter?
American actress:  She didn't give me the word.

The American girls are on the couch, Chrissy doing her nails while Janet does a crossword.  Janet asks for a four-letter word for "pain."  Chrissy thinks about it and then says, "Pain."  Janet starts to write it down and then realizes and gets annoyed.  (I assume it was "ache," but we never find out.)

Robin lets himself and Brit-Linda in.  He has his flatmates turn off the telly.  Jack comes home with Amer-Linda.

Robin has a very important announcement to make.  He winks as he says they haven't met Linda yet.  He says, "I'd like you to meet my fiancée."  Jack has an important announcement, "Linda and I are engaged."

Brit-Chrissy says, "Oh, you rat!"  Robin thinks this isn't as good as congratulations.  He asks Jo, "What'd she call me a rat for?"  She says, "You pig!"

Amer-Chrissy says, "You rotten rat!" and leaves the room.  Jack asks Janet, "Why did she call me a rat?"  She says, "Because you're a pig," pronouncing the P so strongly that she seems to blow air in his eyes, indicated by his blinking a lot.  Jack tells Linda, "I think they're happy for us really."

Robin/Jack has Linda sit down while he goes to the kitchen to get her coffee.  Jo/Janet says, "It's not your fault, I don't blame you."  The Lindas say, "Thank you," Brit-Linda just puzzled, while Amer-Linda delivers the line in a colder, tougher way, as suits her portrayal.  (Alison Hughes's Linda seems sweeter and more vulnerable.)

As well:  In the kitchen, Robin/Jack expresses his confusion, since he did the decent thing, Robin adding that  it's old-fashioned.  Linda's pregnant, so he's going to marry her. 

Brit-Chrissy:  You got her pregnant as well?
Robin:  Yes.  No!
She's talking about the girl from this afternoon.  Now he's really confused.

Amer-Chrissy has her back to Jack, but now she whirls to face him, exclaiming, "You got her pregnant as well?"  He asks "As well as what?"  She means as well as the girl from this afternoon.  Like Robin, he's further confused.

Go for the body:  Brit-Larry is in his flat, reading a porn magazine.  Robin knocks and Larry answers.  Robin is in his dressing gown, since, as Larry points out, it's nearly midnight.

Jack is fully dressed and already sitting on Amer-Larry's couch, rubbing his own temples like he has a headache.  Larry is in his lounging pajamas and mixing drinks. 

Robin tells Brit-Larry he's engaged to be married, so Larry says that Robin needs a stiff drink.  Robin comes in.  Robin says, "Trouble is, she isn't pregnant."  Larry says, "No, well, it happens.  Not often, I'll grant you."  Robin says he thought she was.

Amer-Larry says, "Let me get this straight.  You did the right thing to the wrong girl?"

Robin says some girl came round while they were at the football match.  He doesn't know who the hell she was.  She said she was pregnant and he was the father, so naturally he thought it was Linda.  But it was some blonde thing he's never even met before.  Larry realises it was Sandra but doesn't say anything yet.  Robin says that the girl knew his name, Robin Tripp.  Larry says, "Have another drink, Mate."

Jack says it was some girl he's never met, with short dark hair, and she thinks he's a dentist.  Amer-Larry chokes on his drink. 

The Larrys tell Robin/Jack, "When you hit me, go for the body, not the face."  Robin/Jack says he's not going to hit him.  Then Robin/Jack realises that this mess with the girl has something to do with Larry.  He quotes Larry's rule, "Never give 'em your real name."  Brit-Larry says, "There's that fast mind of yours working again." 

Jack goes for the body by yanking out one of Larry's chest hairs.  The audience is delighted.

Robin is very annoyed that Brit-Larry "gave one of your scrubbers my name."  He asks what was wrong with Orinoco Womble. 

Jack asks why Amer-Larry used his name.  "What's wrong with John Wayne or Richard Nixon?"  Larry says, "It's easier to remember when it's a real person."  John Ritter looks like he's trying not to laugh.  (I don't think they were making a political comment by having Larry imply that these two Republicans were unreal, but you never know.)

Monk:  The next morning, in the kitchens, the American trio are in their nightclothes, while Robin is still in his dressing gown but Brit-Chrissy is dressed for work. 

Brit-Chrissy says, "I might've known.  If a girl's in trouble, it'd have to be Larry."  Robin says Larry never pretended to be a monk.  She says, "What about that girl with the convent school?"

Janet:  We should've known it had to be Larry.  I mean, of all the tricky guys we know, Larry is the most tricky one of all.
Jack:  (overlapping) Oh, come on, Janet.  He never pretended to be a monk.
Chrissy:  Yes, he has, with that girl from the convent school.
Jack:  I'd forgotten about that.

Brit-Chrissy:  (to Robin) You're just as bad....You thought you were gonna be a father.  How's that supposed to have happened, telepathy?
Janet:  And you can stop playing the saint.  I mean, you thought you were gonna be a father, Jack.  Now, how's that supposed to have happened, telepathy?

Robin says he has to break it off.  She says that's the most sensible thing he's said.

He says, "Suppose we were engaged, and I said I wanted to call if off 'cause you're not pregnant."  She says that isn't a guide, since Linda might not have a bread knife in her hand.

Jack is supposed to see Amer-Linda tonight and wonders how she'll take it when he tells her he doesn't want to marry her.  Amer-Chrissy says, "Well, like any normal girl, she'll scratch, scream, hit, bite," then she does her snort-laugh.

Jo comes in, also dressed for work, and says good morning.  Robin asks how she'd break off an engagement.  She says she'd throw the diamond ring back at the man.  Robin says he doesn't have a ring.  She says, "Well, you're going out with the wrong sort of boys."

Brit-Chrissy has a suggestion, although it's a bit unorthodox, a bit way out:  just tell Linda the truth.

Jack says Amer-Linda will understand, since she knows it's wrong for two people to get married when they don't love each other.  And their relationship is purely platonic.  His roommates look at him.  He sheepishly adds, "Most of the time."

Co-op milkman:  Back at the Brit-Ropers', George reads the paper and finds an article called "Co-op Milkman Has Love Nest."  The milkman's wife suspected nothing, which George thinks proves his point about wives not realising how attractive their husbands are.

He also mentions "Mrs. Whatshername" in #2.  (No wonder she wasn't identified in the movie.)  She winked at him last week.  Mildred says she winks at everybody, since she's got a twitch.

We're back in the "cake" scene with the Amer-Ropers.  Stanley has trouble thinking of another woman who finds him attractive besides the blonde checker.  Helen tells him to go fix the window upstairs.  Before he leaves, he says, "What about Mrs. Wilson in 301?"  She's been smiling at him lately.  Helen says she's just showing off her new teeth.

The parakeet starts saying dumbbell.  Helen laughs a lot and the scene ends there.

Mildred says she's perfectly willing to be jealous.  She'd like to think that other women fancy her husband.  She doesn't enjoy being pitied.

George talks about how when they were on holiday, he scored "sex bomb" on the love machine in the arcade.  (Cue the Scott Pilgrim reference.)  She says he had to use both hands, and a foot.

She suggests he either mend the pedal bin or go upstairs and mend the window.

Ballet:  The scene at the White Swan starts with Robin in the middle of an awkward explanation to Brit-Linda.  She asks if he wants to break off the engagement.  When he says yes, she says, "Know what you are?"  He answers, "Yes, a rat, or possibly a pig."

This time, Jack and Amer-Linda are at the center table, which is more visible to the rest of the pub than the booth is.  Unusually for the show, Linda is smoking, but there's a reason for this.  They both have something to say, but she puts her hand with the cigarette to his mouth to hush him.  He coughs and she apologizes.

She says she doesn't want to marry him, and tells him not to take it too hard.  She doesn't want to be tied up right now.  She thinks she's hurt him.  He says he's a touch wounded, because he doesn't want her to know how happy he is.

Brit-Larry, in his Oxford shirt, is eavesdropping at another table, so when Linda thinks it's someone else, and Robin says, "Who else could it be?", Larry comes over and says, "Hello, Robbie.  I haven't seen you for weeks.  Have you been avoiding me?"  He sounds more chipper than queeny.  He says there's been gossip down at the ballet school.  " 'Where's your friend?' they've been saying."

Amer-Larry is watching from the doorway, apparently too far away to tell what Jack and Linda are talking about.  Linda says she's sorry, and Jack says, "Hey, Honey, it's whatever you want."  Larry comes over and queenily says, "Oh, Jacky, where have you been?  I haven't seen you for weeks!  Have you been avoiding me?"  He puts his hands on his hips.  The audience is again delighted.  Larry says everybody's been gossiping at ballet class.  " 'Where's Jacky, where's the cute guy in the pink tights?' "

Robin says, "I know what you're trying to do, Mate, but she knows I'm not, (to Linda) and neither is he."  Jack says he knows what Amer-Larry is trying to do but it's OK between him and Linda.

Brit-Linda stands, with a cigarette in her hand.  Robin gets to his feet, with a beer in his hand.  He tells her that this needn't change their relationship.  He's still very fond of her.
Brit-Larry:  And where do I stand in all this?
Robin:  Will you shut up!

Amer-Larry is relieved.  He says Linda is quite a girl.  "You don't mind that the only reason he asked you to marry him was because he thought you were pregnant?"  Linda exclaims, "HE WHAT?"  Jack says Larry is such a clown.  Linda gets up and says goodbye.

Robin asks if they're still all right for next Saturday.  She puts her cigarette in his drink and leaves.  He says, "No, we're not." 

Jack asks Amer-Linda, "See you Saturday?"  She comes back and puts her cigarette in his drink, then leaves.  He says to Larry, "I guess not, huh?"  He tries to make Larry take a sip.  The scene ends there.

Brit-Larry says, "I told you I'd think of something."  Robin calls him a dummy.  Percival the barman says he couldn't help overhearing what Larry was saying.  He touches Larry's shoulders and flirtatiously waves his barcloth (or whatever you call it, the thing that he'd clean the glasses with).  Larry grabs Robin's arm and says, "I'm with him."  Robin bellows, "Will you get off?" and pulls away.

Close shave:  Back at the flat, George says that they've got a jammed window.  Chrissy says she thought it might be that when they couldn't open it.  He says he'll have to shave the edge, so Jo says that there are lather and a brush in the bathroom.  Stanley is also working on the window.  When he says he's got to shave the edge, Chrissy tells him, "Oh, well, you can use Jack's electric razor.  It's in the bathroom."

All four girls leave.  George examines his tools, then finds the bottle opener for his beer.  He opens it, drinks some, and says, "Oo, lovely."  Stanley knows the thing he needs for this job.  He finds a can of beer, opens it, and takes a drink.

The phone rings at both places, and the landlords answer, which is typical of the lack of privacy on both shows.  George even tells the caller that Robin is at the pub, the White Swan.  Stanley tells the caller that Jack Tripper lives here.  After George rings off, he says, "Cheers," and drinks some more beer.

Which one?:  This transitions to Brit-Chrissy saying cheers.  She and Jo have joined the fellows at the White Swan.  She asks how Linda took it.  Robin says, "Not bad, I'm just glad she didn't have a bread knife on her."  Larry says, "You should see what she did in his beer."  There's no audience reaction.

Amer-Chrissy:  How did Linda take it?
Larry:  (amused) You should've seen what she did in his beer.
There's stray laughter.

Jo says it served Robin right.  Pointing at Larry, Brit-Chrissy says, "And he's even worse."  Larry says, "Don't pick on me, I'm being victimised."  The trio scoff.

The phone rings and Percival answers with "Hello.  This is the White Swan speaking."  He says there's a phone call for Robin Tripp.  Robin asks which one.  Percival asks the caller, "Which Robin Tripp do you require?  There appear to be several.  Oh!  The airline pilot and fashionable dentist."

Jim the bartender answers the American phone.  When he's asked which Jack Tripper the caller wants, he just says, "Uh, which Jack Tripper do you want, Miss?  Ah, the airline pilot and fashionable dentist."

The Larrys go to the phones.  Percival tells Brit-Larry, "I'm afraid it's a female."  Amer-Larry uses his customary greeting of "Yello."

We see the Sandras in the phone box and phone booth again.  Brit-Larry goes on the offensive with "How do I know it's mine?"  Sandra says it's nobody's, nothing isn't.  She got the dates mixed up and she's all right. 
Amer-Larry:  Are you sure?
Amer-Sandra:  I'm positive.  I got the dates mixed up.  I'm all right.

The Larrys are happy and relieved.
Brit-Larry:  What are you doing tomorrow night?
Brit-Sandra:  Nothing.  But my daddy's ever so mad.  He says he's coming round to sort you out.

We go to split screen on 3'sC, and Amer-Sandra says she has to thank "Jack."  That lovely ring he gave her, she sold it for $500.  "Oh, and another thing, Jack.  My dad?  He's real mad at you and he says he's coming over to your place to--"  Larry quickly hangs up.  He cries, "I gave her my real ring!"  In a reverse-angle shot, the trio are amused.  Jack says, "Serves you right!"

Mad dad:  Back at the flat, the doorbell rings.  George greets a large older man with a gravelly voice.
Man:  Robin Tripp?
George:  Er, yeah, that's right.  I was just leaving actually.
Man:  Oh, no, you're not.
He backs George into the flat.  He's played by Mostyn Evans, whose most notable credits are six episodes of Dr. Who, as three different characters.

Stanley is at the window when the doorbell rings.  He hits his hand with the hammer and then drops the hammer on his foot.  He answers the door for a not particularly threatening-looking bald man with glasses, a suit, and tie.
Man:  Jack Tripper?
Stanley:  Yes?
Man:  You dirty old man!

He chases Stanley around the living room.  Stanley says, "Don't hit me!  I'm a veteran!"  The man chases him some more.  And the episode ends here.

The American father is played by Ted Gehring, who has a heck of a lot of credits, starting with The Big Valley in 1965, when he was about 36.  He often played military or police officers.

Iodine:  Brit-Larry and Robin enter the entryway.  Mrs. Roper comes downstairs.  Then the girls come in.  Mrs. Roper says she borrowed their iodine.  They ask if there was an accident, but she says it was no accident.

We go into the Ropers' flat and see that George has a black eye.  His wife says, "He did it on purpose, didn't he?"  She says George was running after young girls, "at your age."  He says, "It's not true, Mildred."  Larry tuts, then says, "Disgusting."  Robin gives him a look.  And the episode ends.

Commentary:  It's arguable that the British Larry is sleazier than the American one.  To begin with, he has that soft-core pornography in his flat, the poster and the magazines.  While Jack is "being careful," Brit-Larry is handing Sandra lies like you can't get pregnant having sex standing up.  Also, instead of showing any sympathy to Sandra, he asks how he knows her baby is his.  And then he actually asks her out again!  Admittedly, Robin/Jack wonders if he and Linda are still on for Saturday night, but at least he's punished for the question.  (Brit-Linda putting her cigarette in Robin's drink is awkwardly directed, and it feels more in character for Amer-Linda.)

On the other hand, Amer-Larry is giving away all those fake wedding rings, which karmically punishes him when he accidentally gives Sandra the real thing.

Neither Larry thinks to warn his best friend that he's using his name with Sandra, not even when she thinks she's pregnant.  And neither warns Robin/Jack about Sandra's angry father.

The Sandras aren't presented particularly sympathetically, or unsympathetically.  The supposed pregnancies are played for laughs, and the Sandras don't seem very bright, particularly since they're mixed up about dates.  Actually, the writers seem equally mixed up about dates, especially the Americans.  How can it be both six weeks since Sandra's period and months since she's seen "Jack"?  Even if she means her period is six weeks late, this still doesn't add up right. 

It does feel harsh for Robin to call Sandra a scrubber, meaning a "coarse and sexually amenable or promiscuous woman."  Even if Sandra came across as promiscuous, it would be rude to put it like this, but she seems more trusting than wayward.

Jack comes across as a little more controlling than Robin, based on how Robin says he wouldn't mind if Linda had dated other fellows, while Jack phrases it as his never having said she couldn't.  This episode also in some ways is a step backward for Jack and Linda's relationship, since on "Alone Together," he said he was a one-woman man with her, while here he says they're not in love and it's practically platonic.  At least Robin admits to being fond of Linda.  The Lindas must forgive Robin/Jack at some point, because both will return.

The references to violence on these two episodes range from castration (Robin breaking it off, threats to his package by bread knives), to scratching, hitting, and biting, to an actual black eye.  All of this is played for laughs, and interestingly, Larry suffers none of it, despite the attempts by the Sandras' fathers.

Some aspects of the plot are handled better in some ways on one show than  the other.  For instance, the ending of MatH is stronger, not only because Mr. Roper actually gets hit, but because it ties up the trying-to-make-Mrs.-Roper-jealous subplot more neatly than on 3'sC.  Also, I like hypocritical Larry having the last word.

It makes more sense for Brit-Larry to step in and try to help Robin, particularly since he promised to.  Jack has smoothed things over with Amer-Linda and there's no reason for that Larry to try to help.  On the other hand, he makes a better queen than Brit-Larry does.

Speaking of gays, it's interesing that Percival the barman is gradually becoming "gayer" as MatH goes on, although he's not as prissy as he was in his incarnation as Larry's landlord.  Ironically, Paul Ainsley, the actor who's making his fourth of eleven (credited) appearances on 3'sC, is gay but never minded the jokes about homosexuality.

There's also a suggestion of female masturbation, with Mildred/Helen's solitaire symbolic of how she has to do "everything" around here herself.

We get the usual divvying up of Brit-Chrissy and Jo's lines:  one or two to Jack, and then all the dotty-sounding ones going to Amer-Chrissy, the cynical ones going to Janet, and then roughly Brit-Chrissy ---> Amer-Chrissy and Jo ---> Janet for the rest.  There's not terribly much RCST, despite his asking her to imagine him proposing to her, thinking she's pregnant.  However, the RCST sounds like it will be making a welcome return next episode....

"All in the Game"

Well, I can see why they didn't Americanize MatH23.  Although "All in the Game" includes both the return of Jerry and an impressive array of suggestive comments, it doesn't really go anywhere.

Darts: As the episode opens, Chrissy and Jo are playing darts, with Mr. Roper's face in the centre, the board on Robin's door.  Jo is losing but she doesn't mind because "if you're good at darts, men think you're a lesbian."  Chrissy calls her the world's first female chauvinist pig and tells her you can be feminine without pretending to be daft.  Jo says she's not pretending.

When Jo says she can have an intellectual discussion, Chrissy asks, "Do you think the liquidity of the Eurodollar will be affected by the inflation of commodity prices?" 

Jo accidentally hits Robin's guitar, "nearly severing his g-string."  He calls her daft, so she says, "As a matter of fact, I don't think the liquidity of the Eurodollar will be affected by the inflation of commodity prices."  After she leaves the room, Robin asks, "What's that got to do with the dart in my guitar?"  Chissy says, "Oh, she's just proving she isn't a lesbian."

He gives Chrissy dart lessons, his hands on her hips.  He compliments her perfume.  She tells him to not sniff it all in, since it's expensive.

Board game:  We visit the Ropers, and he wants to play a board game called Escape.  She tells him to play with himself.  He says that isn't as much fun.  She says he was doing it last night.  He says he lost.

Jerry knocks and Mildred answers.  In the first of several references to rain this episode (most of which I'm going to omit because they have no real impact on the plot), he says something like the angels must've been on a bender last night because it's really pissing down, although not in those exact words.  (His accent is one of the ones I can't always interpret.)  Mildred tells George his crude friend is here.

When George invites Jerry to play a game with Mildred as a S.S. prison guard, he thinks George is talking about something kinky.  She exclaims, "It's a board game!  You know, you all sit around and get bored."

Target:  Back upstairs, Robin says Chrissy is getting much nearer the target.  She says, "So are you, move your hand."

The three of them are going down to the pub to meet Jo's boyfriend, but first Robin gives another darts lesson, without touching Chrissy.  He says you need to be lightly balanced on the balls of your feet.  "I'm not balanced on my heels.  I'm balanced on my-- I'm lightly balanced." 

He says you have to keep your wrist loose.  Jo says that the fellow down at the hairdresser's would make a fantastic darts player then.  This proves Chrissy's point.  "If he's good at it, how can you say it's not feminine?"

Robin throws terribly, then blames it on there being no feathers on the dart.

Someone knocks and Chrissy answers.  It's George and Jerry, so Robin and Jo hide the dartboard behind a chair cushion.  Jo says Jerry is the odd-job man.  Jerry lists off a bunch of more prestigious titles.  Then George says Jerry came to do some odd jobs in the flat.

The trio leave, telling the two older men to help themselves.  So George pours booze for Jerry and himself.  They talk about how good young people have it.  They didn't have to grow up without the benefit of bananas.  George says he didn't see a banana till he was 12.  He tried to eat it with the skin on and it shot out the end.  The cat got it.  (In "Carry Me Back to Southampton," George claimed he didn't see an orange till he was 25, which sounds even worse.)

Jerry, whom presumably should know, asks if George had any kids.  George says they decided they didn't want any, after they didn't have any.  This is the first time it's come up on the show proper, although it was briefly mentioned in the movie.  Jerry says, "We just had the one girl."  It wasn't practical to have more after the missus ran off.  Jerry has raised his daughter with a firm hand, right round the earhole.

Speaking of holes, they find some on the door to Robin's room.  Jerry says it's wormwood and it also attacked the lino. 

Colin and Vera:  At the pub, Jo's date, Colin, is already sitting at the table as the trio come in.  Robin says of the rain, you can't rely on anything if the the forecast is accurate.  While Robin gets the drinks, Chrissy finds out that Colin is a policeman, which she suspected when he said, "Hello, hello, hello," to the three of them.  He's played by Hessel Saks, who has only three other credits, none of them particularly notable.  Even this role isn't much to talk about, although it does continue the idea from "It's Only Money" that Jo fancies policemen.

When Robin calls the barman Jock, the barman says his name is Percival.  Robin says everyone calls Scotsmen Jock.  Percival says, "Not if their surname happens to be Strap."

By the way, there's a white swan sculpture on the bar, proving the name of the place.

Larry introduces Robin to his date, a sort of plain redhead named Vera.  Robin asks, "Larry, where do you find them?"  Larry says she works in a builder's yard.  He went for a set of doorknobs and came out with her.  She's played by Jo Garrity, who has almost as few credits as Mr. Saks.  Oddly enough, she played "girl with beautiful eyes" in a documentary called Horizon a couple years before this episode.

Jo explains to Chrissy how she and Colin met.  She was on a double yellow line, but luckily not while in a car.  He says he wanted her to assist him in his inquiries, like what she was doing Saturday night.

Robin comes over and wants to show them how he gets jackpots using a washer in the machine.  (This recalls him tipping one of the doormen in the movie.)  Chrissy tries to signal to him that Colin is a policeman, but he doesn't understand.  Then Colin says they have a machine like that in the police canteen, but they use a cardboard Smarties label.  Chrissy starts to say that they must try that, then stops herself.  Colin calls Robin and Chrissy Bonnie & Clyde, then he and Jo leave.

40 quid total:  Back at the flat, George says it looks like a perfectly healthy floorboard, but Jerry says that if it gets to the joists, all the trio's furniture will crash into George's living room.  Jerry calls George a silly nurk, apparently an insult that Spike Milligan used on the show Porridge.  Jerry says he has some wood preserver, which he insists isn't nicked (stolen). 

Jerry does the maths on Robin's door:  12 tins at 90 p/tin, less 10% discount, plus 8% VAT = 480.  Plus labour, 75 times 6 over 9/10, take away the inside leg measurement = 40 quid total.

George goes to ask Mildred what his decision is.  After he leaves, Jerry says, "You'll always be a tick, George."  Jerry sits in the chair and finds the dartboard.  He realises what happened and laughs.

George returns with Mildred, who's very skeptical.  Jerry doesn't tell them what he found out.  Instead he says he'll cut his throat and come down to 35.  She suggests he cut his head off and come down to 30.  He says he's pretty busy at the moment, so will this afternoon be all right?

Riddled with woodworm:  Vera and Larry join Robin and Chrissy at the table.  Vera says she always really wanted to be an air hostess, or one of Pan's People.  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pan's_People )  Robin rolls his eyes.  Still, Vera says you meet interesting people at a builder's yard.  Chrissy agrees, "Gary Glitter might come in for a brick."  (Of course, back on "And Then There Were Two," Sheila being a Gary Glitter fan was a turn-off for Larry.)

The Ropers come in and join them.  Mrs. Roper says she has a bit of bad news.  George laughs and says, "You're riddled with woodworm, Son."  Robin didn't think it showed.

They can't sleep in their flat because of the fumes.  Robin starts to say they could stay at Larry's, but Larry has plans with Vera.

Mrs. Roper invites the trio to stay with them.  Mr. Roper says they have only one double bed.  Borderline flirting with Robin, she says they'll all squeeze in somehow.

And we go to an advert.

Israeli:  When we return to the flat, the dust cloths are all over.  Robin and Chrissy are taking down bedding and a small plant.  Jerry has a young assistant named Tom.  (Yes, that joke is coming, but wait for it.)  Tom is played by Ian Sharp, who previously worked for Jerry as a removal man on "We Shall Not Be Moved."  Jerry tells Robin and Chrissy, "As soon as Tom and me leave, the smell should start to clear." 

Jerry claims to be using the finest wood preserver in the world, made in Israel.
Chrissy:  What if our woodworms aren't Jewish?
Jerry:  What's the difference?
Robin:  I mean, not very much.  I'd need a microscope to point it out.

We get a close-up of the "wood preserver" label in Hebrew.  Jerry "reads" it with words like bar mitzvah, shalom, bagel, kosher, and oy vey.

As soon as Robin and Chrissy leave, Jerry goes under the dust cloth over the bar, for a quick one.  Chrissy comes back to ask him to tell Jo they're downstairs.  She doesn't question why the odd-job man is playing ghost.

A bit you know:  George still doesn't want the kids to sleep over.  He thinks a few poisonous fumes never harmed anyone, and they could always loan them gas masks.  In contrast, Mildred warmly welcomes Robin and Chrissy, especially the former.  She tells him, "You'll be in my bed, Dear.  Er, with George of course."  Mildred will be on the settee, and the girls on camp beds in the lounge.

George asks Robin if he has any bad habits.  Robin says just kung fu dreams, making perhaps the dozenth reference to kung fu on the show.

In the hallway, George tells Mildred that he's worried Robin might be a bit, you know.  She cruelly asks, "Even if he was, which he isn't, who'd fancy you?"

In the Ropers' flat, Robin is worried that Mr. Roper might mistake him for Mrs. Roper in the middle of the night.  Chrissy says, "That would be tough luck, the one night of the year he's in the mood, and it's you," and she laughs.  He says you never know.  She tells him that if it happens, "Don't mention it to Mrs. Roper, she'd never forgive you."

The Ropers return.  She says this is like the wartime spirit.  So he suggests the kids sleep in a Tube station. 

Mildred is glad she's not sleeping with George's icy feet for a change.  He says she's got an unnaturally hot back.

She wants him to entertain their guests.  So he asks if they've taken their summer holidays yet.  Chrissy says she's waiting till winter is over.  (As it happens, this episode aired 20 March, right at the end of winter.)

George wants their guests to play Escape, and they look like they want to escape.

Mask:  Upstairs, Tom is doing the spraying of the wood preserver, but Jerry wears the mask.  He's still drinking, so he gets alchohol on the mask

We go back downstairs, where George is losing against Chrissy.  He gets a disguise as a young German girl, but it backfires, so Robin says a line as a young German girl.

Larry and Vera enter the building.  She says the movie they saw had lots of nude women, and she thought vampires always go for the throat.  Leering, Larry says, "Some do, some don't."  The movie sounds too racy for Hammer horror, but you never know.

He asks if she fancies a quick drink.  She says she shouldn't really, but she heads upstairs.

Supervise:  Tom says all Jerry has done is watch while he works, but Jerry says he's supervising.  Larry knocks and comes in.  He's borrowing, er, borrowing back the Scotch.  Jerry hands him the almost empty bottle and says it evaporated.

Larry is also borrowing records.  He wants something smooth and sexy.  Jerry says, "Got a bit of fluff lined up, have you?"  Larry says the girl is right on the boil.  Jerry encourages him.

Then Vera comes in and says, "Hello, Dad."  She decides to head home.  Jerry glares at Larry.

Downstairs, George tries to parachute from an escape tunnel.  Robin points out you can't throw 13 with two dice.  Then George gets shot in both legs and will miss three turns.

Toerag:  Back upstairs, Jerry calls Larry a "dirty little toerag, sniffing round my Vera like that."  He says he would've swiped Larry one if Tom hadn't held him back.  Tom says he didn't, but Jerry says he knew Tom would've so he didn't.

Jo and Colin come in.  Tom makes the introductions, "Tom.  And Jerry."  Jo says, "You don't look like them."  (Not really worth the wait, was it?)

Colin asks Jerry if he has the receipt for the wood finisher.  From Jerry's face, it looks doubtful.

Good loser:  Mildred has surrounded George in all directions, but he won't surrender.  Chrissy says it's only a game, not real life.  Mildred says he loses at that, too. 

George knocks over the board.
Robin:  Nothing like a good loser.
Chrissy:  No, he isn't.

There's a knock.  Jerry says he's going down to the police station to help this gentleman with his inquiries.  Colin says the container was nicked from a local warehouse last week.  It's not even wood preserver.  It's anti-freeze.  Robin says they'll have no trouble starting up the floorboards in the morning.  It's unclear if they ever find out that they didn't even have wormwood.

Commentary:  In the very funny 3'sC episode "Strange Bedfellows," from season two, Jack and Mr. Roper wake up in bed together after a wild party.  It's completely innocent but homophobic Stanley is scared.  Here, both Robin and George worry about sharing a bed, but they don't.  The whole episode is strung together with set-ups that never get fulfilled.  That's our pay-off, Jerry being carted off to gaol by Jo's date?  Larry not getting laid because his date is Jerry's daughter?  Even the RCST doesn't build.

So here's a list of the innuendos I caught (not counting the use of the word "lesbian," since that's pretty direct):
1.  Robin's G-string
2.  George playing with himself
3.  Mildred as a S.S. prison guard
4.  Robin's target
5.  Robin's balls
6.  Jock Strap
7.  Larry looking for a knob and finding Vera
8.  Jewish woodworms with microscopic differences from Gentile woodworms
9.  Movie vampires going for somewhere other than the throat

Notice that most of it happens in the first half of the episode.  It's like there were different writers for each half, and they quarreled, or the second writer got bored and just wrote filler. 

But I won't despair, because the next episode is one that inspired a 3'sC episode chockful of misunderstandings, and I'm looking forward to finally seeing the original again....

This Bud's for You, Part Two

Joints:  On 3'sC31, the scene opens on the plant and then the camera pans down to the people.  Robin asks if Larry's sure.  Larry says something about a bloke who possessed one of these and got a 150 quid fine.  Both Chrissys say they didn't know a cannabis/marijuana plant would look like this.  Both Larrys ask what the Chrissys expected, "clusters of ready-rolled joints?"

Robin thinks the plant is from the squatters in #12.  They grow their own food.  And the seeds could've blown over to Mr. Roper's garden.  Jack doesn't blame anyone in particular.  He says the wind could've blown the seeds from anywhere, or birds could've carried them. 

The Larrys say to stick to that story.  Brit-Larry says it'll put a bit of doubt in the jury's mind.  Amer-Larry says, "I'm sure any jury in the world would believe you."  Brit-Larry says it's nothing to do with him.  He plans to say, "I don't know either of them, Inspector."  Then he leaves.  Amer-Larry says that this could mean a year in jail.  He plans to say, "Officer, I never saw these people before in my life.  Thank you and goodnight."  Then he salutes.

Robin says they'll burn it outside, in a bonfire.  Chrissy says then half the neighbourhood will get stoned.  On 3'sC, these lines are reversed between Chrissy and Jack.  Robin suggests flushing it down the loo, but Chrissy says that blocks up if you tap your ash into it.  These lines are omitted on 3'sC.  Both Chrissys suggest burying the cannabis in the garden, but Robin says next year a whole crop will come up.  On 3'sC, the line goes to Larry, with the addition, after a pause, of "Call me."  Then he leaves.  Jack calls after him, "Thanks for your help, Larry."

Brit-Chrissy suggests slinging the plant in the dustbin.  Robin thinks the dustmen might recognise it.  He thinks she should put it on the balcony.  The cat next door will pee on it.  That's how she loses half her plants.  (This first came up on MatH21.)  Jack is less explicit when he suggests the balcony, saying they can "get the cat next door to come visit it.  Well, that's how you lost your fern."

The Chrissys think they should ask the police for advice.  Robin says that idea is sensible, logical, "and I don't like it."  Jack protests, "No way!  No police!" and swigs some of Roper's beer.

Plant:  So of course the next scene is set in a police station.  Robin and Chrissy bring in the plant wrapped in brown paper.  Jack and Chrissy arrive on their bikes, without the plant.

Brit-Chrissy says that when she was a kid, she was told that policemen are our friends.  Robin says, "Listen, when you were a kid, they were."

Jack says he feels funny.
Chrissy:  That's because you've been drinking all that beer.
Jack:  No, coming here is a big mistake.
Chrissy:  You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Jack:  I was afraid of that.

The desk sergeant tells them they shouldn't bring their bikes in here.  Chrissy exclaims, "We can't leave them in front of the police station!  They'll get stolen!"

As I mentioned earlier, the British desk sergeant is played by Ken Watson.  The American is played by David Tress, who'd return to 3'sC a couple years later as "Virgil."  It looks like he mostly did dramas, although he did appear on an early Seinfeld episode.

Robin:  My name is--
Chrissy:  He doesn't need to know that!
Robin:  You don't need to know that.
Chrissy:  Not yet anyway.
Robin:  Not yet anyway.

Jack:  My name is--
Chrissy:  You don't have to tell him your name.
Jack:  That's true, I don't have to tell you my name.
Chrissy:  (amused) Not yet anyway.
Jack:  Not yet anyway.

Robin says he's asking a question on behalf of a friend.  Jack says he just dropped in to ask a few questions on behalf of a friend, "you don't know him."
Amer-Sergeant:  I don't know you either!
Amer-Chrissy:  Oh, you'd like him if you did.  He's very honest, loyal, sincere.

Robin wonders, if someone committed an offence without meaning to, would he still be guilty?  Jack wonders what would happen if his friend accidentally committed an offense.  Amer-Chrissy "explains," "What he means is, if his friend was innocent, would he still be guilty?"
Amer-Sergeant:  Of what?
Amer-Chrissy:  Of what he didn't do.

The Brit-sergeant wants to know what sort of offence.  Robin names various offences, including possession of drugs, which gets the sergeant's attention.  Chrissy says it could've been overdue library books.

Jack thinks they should go, but the Amer-sergeant says that Jack said offense.  "What kind of offense?"  Jack hesitates, then names various things, mumbling "possession of drugs."
Amer-Sergeant:  Drugs?
Amer-Chrissy:  He didn't say drugs!
Amer-Sergeant:  (coming out from behind the very high desk) What kind of drugs?  And what did you mean by possession?

Robin/Jack says it's a plant.  The sergeants exclaim, "Someone's planted drugs on you?"

Brit-Sergeant:  Son, as far as I'm concerned, you and your friend can park your car, you can fill it full of overdue library books, you can flash the faulty headlights on and off until you're blue in the face.
Robin:  Thank you very much.
Brit-Sergeant:  It's harmless.  But when it comes to drugs, that's a different matter.

The Amer-sergeant says that possession of drugs is a very serious crime.  He puts his arm paternally on Jack's shoulder and asks what this is all about.  Jack stutters on the word "hypothetical," so the sergeant thinks he means hypodermic.  Jack stutters more then tries to leave.

Robin and Chrissy sneak out while the sergeant is getting the form for a statement.  Jack won't get away so easily.

Fill this:  The Amer-sergeant asks, "Are you riding those bicycles to your home?"  Jack says, "Just the one," and chuckles.  Then he babbles.  The sergeant asks if Jack has been drinking.
Jack:  Who, me?  (He hiccoughs.)  No!
Chrissy:  (cheerfully) Just some home-made beer.

The sergeant says it's against the law to ride a bicycle while under the influence.  He'd like Jack to take a breath test.  He goes back behind the desk.  Jack says, "No, Officer, I can breathe just fine!"  He pants like a dog.

Meanwhile, Robin22 is taking the breath test again, this time at the police station.  The results are the same as the first.  The police sergeant says Robin is well over.  He's played by Alister Williamson, who worked from 1959 to '86, often as a policeman.  The sergeant says they'll need a sample.  He takes out a urine bottle and asks, "Can you fill this?"  Robin says, "Well, not from here, no."

The Amer-sergeant says, "Don't want to take the breath test, eh?  Fine, Sir."  He holds up the urine bottle.  "Can you fill this?"  Jack says, "Not from here."  The gag is exaggerated because of the distance between Jack and the high desk.  The audience laughs and applauds.

Robin says he's just been.  The sergeant says he'll have to go again.  Robin doesn't think he has any left.  The sergeant suggests a blood sample, but Robin doesn't want that.  He suggests they turn on the water tap to inspire him.  The sergeant can't do that, but he says it helps to whistle.  Robin wonders if it has to be anything in particular.

While Robin's in the next room, the sergeant explains to Chrissy about the summons.  Robin whistles a tune I don't recognise.  He comes in soon after.  He needs another bottle because he dropped the first one.

3'sC keeps it simpler and cleaner.  The sergeant comes down from the desk again, hands Jack the bottle, and points to the next room, saying, "In there!"

Dustmen:  Since Robin and Chrissy escaped on MatH31, they're now walking down their street with the plant.  They see the rubbish lorry.  Chrissy wants Robin to sling the plant in the lorry.  He has to first ask the dustmen questions.  Do they know anything about botany?  The second dustman knows philosophy.  There's an extreme close-up of Chrissy looking approving as Robin slings the plant in. 

The first dustman is played by John Lyons, who was then about 32 and is still working today, with 39 episodes of A Touch of Frost from 1992 to 2010.  The second dustman is Mike Savage, also 32 at the time, and he did one episode of A Touch of Frost, as well as another episode of MatH in '76, plus a bunch of other roles, often as a policeman or detective.

Outside their flat, Chrissy tells Robin, "I don't know about policemen, but I think our dustmen are wonderful."

Duck:  In the next scene on MatH22, Robin is in his dressing gown.  He could fight the summons and get the backing of the AA, RAC (Royal Automobile Club), and something Taylor.  Jo points out he's guilty.  He says that's the weak part of his argument. 

She thinks he should plead "guilty but not much."  Her Uncle Albert did, for "interfering with a duck on a public highway."  (For those keeping track, this makes at least three uncles for Jo, although Uncle Arthur sounds like he was old enough to more likely be a great-uncle.) 
Jo:  He was remanded for medical reports.  Uncle Albert, not the duck.
Robin:  Funny lot, your family.
Jo:  Mm hm.  I'm the only normal one.
Robin says he didn't do anything.  She says, "Neither did he.  Ducks can move very quickly when they want to."

Robin says he didn't drive very far, probably not even a yard.  He doubts the wheels turned a full circle.

He's due in court at 12.  Chrissy is amused as she says, "Oh, high noon."

Robin:  One little mistake and I'm suspended.
Jo:  They hang you?

It's Chrissy's day off and she's going to be taking her driving test, which means that ten days have elapsed.  (The "gardening" episodes cover only a couple days.)  Jo forgot Chrissy wasn't going into work, and now Jo is really late.  She says that it's ten minutes, but if it was the two of them, it would only be five minutes each.  She tells Robin, "See you in court," presumably going on her lunch hour.

Mr. Roper is just about to knock when she's coming through the door, so she tells him, "Oh, you don't have to now 'cause it's open."  He goes in.

He has a couple little tips.  Chrissy is skeptical, because of the pound-in-the-driving-licence tip.  He admits he slipped up there.  He didn't allow for inflation, and it should've been a fiver.  He asks Chrissy for coffee.  She goes to the kitchen to get it.  He tells Robin, "I had to get rid of her in that subtle manner."

George asks Robin if there's any chance he's a Buffalo, since most magistrates are.  He demonstrates the Buffalo sign for help and assistance, which in part is thumbing the nose.  It's unclear if George belongs to that lodge or this is just something he picked up somewhere.

Chrissy comes back with the coffee, but George tells her no thanks, he prefers tea in the morning.

He asks Robin if he's going to wear a suit.  Robin says no, he'll go stark naked.  "That's how we Freemasons recognise each other."

Mrs. Roper lets herself in.  She's very flirty with her husband about the bacon.  She asks if he fancies any of his beer.  He says she's got him drinking it all hours of the day.  She says it was just a thought.

The Ropers are going to watch Robin's case, too.  Mildred says it'll give her a chance to wear her new hat.  George plans to bring chocolates.  Robin cries, "Chocolates?!?  No one's taking this seriously!"

Headmaster:  The next scene is set in the hallway of the courthouse.  A dreary-looking woman named Mrs. McDonald is called in.  (She's uncredited, as is the smiling vicar coming up.)  Robin says this is just like being brought up in front of the headmaster in school.  Jo says that was six strokes versus the six months he might face now.  (These strokes are from paddling or spanking, as opposed to being put off your stroke.)

Robin whistles, and Chrissy, amused, says, "Careful, you'll wet yourself."

The smiling vicar is reading Kung Fu magazine.
Robin:  What do you think he's here for?
Chrissy:  God knows.  (She chuckles.)

Robin refers to the "ratty little policeman," so of course Ken Watson appears.

In the courtroom the mousy woman is accused of having 23 tins of baked beans (clutch) about her person, plus corn flakes.  The magistrate says there's too much shoplifting.  He's going to be "lenient" though, and give her three months without the option.  George, watching from the gallery, says this is better than the telly.  Mildred is wearing a red hat to match her red & white outfit.

The magistrate is played by Erik Chitty, who died two years later, at the age of 70.  He did TV-movies in the 1930s!  He worked steadily till the end, including 55 episodes of Please Sir! as Mr. Smith.

Ken-cop says that it'll be another half hour for Robin, since they always run late.  He offers a sweet.  Robin says, "The condemned man ate a hearty toffee." 

All things bright and beautiful:  Chrissy goes up to the gallery.  Robin asks Ken-cop if he feels any guilt.  Ken-cop says, "You was the one running round with your trousers down, singing 'All Things Bright and Beautiful.' "  No, that was actually the vicar, who keeps smiling. 

A man whom I think is the clerk of the court calls them in right after Robin puts the toffee in his mouth, although it obviously hasn't been half an hour yet.  The clerk is played by Frank Lester, whose credits are only from 1971 to '84, yet somehow include both The Rocky Horror Picture Show (as "Wedding Dad") and Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

Or is he the warrant officer, played by Mark Boyle?  Boyle mostly did stunts, but he also played policemen and similar.

George:  (meaning Robin) I know him.
Bicyclist:  So do I.
Chrissy:  It's his bicycle we ran over.

We find out that Robin's full name is Robin Oswald Tripp. 
Jo:  He kept that quiet.
Chrissy:  I don't blame him.

He's accused of acting contrary to the Road Safety Act of 1967.  He has the toffee stuck in his mouth.  He swallows it and pleads guilty.  Ken-cop says that the incident happened at 7.15 p.m. on the 18th of this month, which I guess was February 1975, rather than happening in the then "future" of 18 March.  He was on patrol duty in the Kensington area.

George offers the soft centres, which he doesn't like, to the other people in the gallery.  He thinks Ken-cop is very good, very realistic.  He compares the trial to Crossroads, which is funny considering that that show was supposed to be so bad it was good.

Ken-cop says, "I asked him to take a breathalyser.  Whereupon he replied, 'All things bright and beautiful'....Whereupon he replied, 'Oh, bloody hell.  I have only had a pint of home-made neck's water."  The camera cuts to George looking confused yet insulted.  (I have no idea what neck's water is.)

The magistrate asks if Robin has any questions.  Robin puts his hands on his hips and says, "I'd like you to cast your mind back to the 18th--"  The magistrate says, "Without the Perry-Masonisms if you please."

Robin asks if the wheels went all the way round.  He compares it to football.  The magistrate says this isn't relevant unless Robin was playing football in the car.  The FA rules do not apply in this courtoom.  "In that respect, I'm afraid you're offside."  The magistrate breaks himself up, and the others in the courtroom are also amused.  Then the magistrate asks if Robin has any more foolish questions.

Jo asks Chrissy if they were playing football in the car.  Chrissy says, "No, he lives in a world of his own."

The magistrate disqualifies Robin from driving for 12 months, and fines him 25 pounds.  As Robin returns to the hallway, he passes the smiling vicar.  Ken-cop tells him it could've been 50, not years but pounds.  Robin says they're ignoring the 20,000 miles he's driven stone cold sober.

Over on 3'sC, Jack and Chrissy come home, she with her bike, he on foot.
Chrissy:  I told you you shouldn't be drinking that dumb beer!
Jack:  You didn't have to tell the cop that I'd been drinking it!
Chrissy:  Tell him?  He could smell your breath before you opened you mouth!

Jack will have to go to court, he'll be fined, and it'll be weeks before he sees his bike again.  He says he loved that bike, and the cops will probably be riding it all round L.A.  We won't see Jack's court case, as this is the last his drunk driving (or drunk pedaling) will be mentioned.

Back in the U.K., the girls and the Ropers come down the gallery staircase, then Ken-cop says he didn't mention the attempted bribery.  George calls that disgraceful, as if it wasn't his fault.

Jo:  Never mind, Oswald.
Chrissy:  Oswald.  Do you realise that makes your initials spell "rot"?

Chrissy's driving test will be at half past one.  Robin can't drive her there now.  So Mildred volunteers George.

Driving Test:  A woman exits, crying, from a building with a sign "Department of the Environment, Driving Tests."  Then Chrissy parks next to a "No Parking" sign.  Robin, who's come along with her and George, says that 50% of people pass their driving test on the first try.  Chrissy says that this means that 50% fail.  George is about to give her a little tip but then thinks not. 

The examiner of course turns out to be the bicyclist.  Chrissy talks about tuna fish, beans, and chunky chicken.  Then she backs up, and we see a bicycle wheel roll by.  She's hit his bike again. 

This is a very long episode, 29 minutes, and it's funny how little of it ends up Americanized.  There's still a ways to go for 3'sC. 

Remembering Mrs. Roper:  Amer-Chrissy says they still haven't decided what to do about the plants.  Jack says chop 'em up and put them down the garbage disposal.  She says it doesn't work.  He says to get Roper to fix it.

The name Roper reminds Chrissy.  With big eyes, she says that Mrs. Roper is using the marijuana plant in her flower arrangement.  He says they've got to warn Mrs. Roper.  She says that it's too late, and Mrs. Roper will already be at the exhibition.

Brit-Chrissy also remembers Mrs. Roper.  Then Larry comes in with a suggestion.  They could post the plant to themselves, marked highly valuable.  Then the postman will nick it.  Larry is the one who says that the Ropers left half an hour ago, with Mildred's flower arrangement.

The Exhibition:  On 3'sC, we get a large sign that says, "Arts & Crafts Display, Adult Class Evening Sessions."  There's also a little sign by someone's arrangement of yellow tulips and other flowers that reads, "Happiness and Harmony."  Mrs. Roper's display reads, "Symphony of the Wild Flowers." 

There's a reporter with a pen and camera, who's following the teacher.  Helen tells us that her teacher is one of the judges.  The reporter isn't credited but the "flower judge" is Ludi Claire, who had only a handful of credits, this being her last.  She was on Edge of Night for two years.

On Math31, the teacher poses for photographs.  He's male and played by Charles Morgan, who has credits from 1949 to '89, including eight appearances on Doctor Who and amusingly a part on Crossroads.

Mildred is appropriately wearing a pink floral outfit with a pink flowered hat.

Helen tells Stanley to try to look interested, but he's not.  She says, "Then try to look alive."  She takes away his bag of peanuts.  He's wearing bland colors, with a sweater over his shirt.  She says, "Look at the way you're dressed!  Did you remember to wear clean shorts?"  He asks, "Why?  Are they judging them, too?"

Mildred asks George if he's wearing clean underpants.
George:  What exactly are they judging?
Mildred:  Everything...Have you been?
George:  No.
Mildred:  Then you're gonna have to wait.

The British teacher says one arrangement is a splendid effort, and the reporter gets a shot of him and the student.  The American teacher also has the reporter get a shot of her and a student.  "The local press" is here, so Mr. Roper smiles, but his wife scolds, "Don't smile!  It makes you look" simple for MatH, simple-minded for 3'sC.

A man comes over and tells Mrs. Roper that there's a telephone call for her, the American whispering it to her.  Mrs. Roper has her husband answer it.

Brit-Larry says maybe the judges won't recognise the plant.  Chrissy says the place is full of experts.

Brit-Chrissy:  Hello, Mrs. Roper?
George:  Do I look like her?  Chrissy who?  Can of what?  Oh, bisque.
Gradually he realises what she's saying.

Stanley says, "Mrs. Roper has a what in her arrangement?  A can of what?  Can of bis?  What's that?  Oh, cannabis.  So?"  Then he widens his eyes as Jack or Chrissy explains offscreen.  "What?  What?  Mari--Shh!"  He looks around in a paranoid way.  "I know it's illegal!  Oh God!"

Mr. Roper rushes over to his wife's display.  He tries to tell her but she won't listen because she's next.  George pulls the plant out and makes a mess.  Mildred cries.  Stanley goes to another table and gets a reddish purple clay thing, which he throws on top of her arrangement.  Helen is shocked and horrified.  He tries to look innocent.

The British teacher sees that Mildred's arrangement is called "Poem of the Hedgerows."  He says it's very unusual, casual.  The American teacher says Helen's is very unusual.  They agree, "not your best work."  The American adds, "But you'll improve."  She goes to talk to the reporter, a few feet behind the Ropers, very important for staging.

They're less concerned about that sort of farcical set-up on the British show.  They just have the teacher overhear George say he didn't want the teacher to see the plant.  That teacher identifies the plant as Grevillea robusta, or silk-bark oak.  On 3'sC, the teacher turns and says the plant is "such a fascinating little fellow, false aralia."  (If Google images are anything to go by, the second plant's leaves look much more like marijuana.)  When the American teacher hears what Stanley thinks the plant is, she's amused and says, "Cannabis?  Oh, dear me, we do have a lot to learn, don't we?"

Mrs. Roper is so upset that she hits her husband with her purse.  The reporters get a picture of it, the American kissing his fingertips in gratitude.  On MatH, we get to see the photo in Kensington Herald, with the story "FLOWER SHOW FRACAS."

Botany:  Then MatH shows Mildred looking at the newspaper in the trio's kitchen.  Chrissy apologises, but Mildred says she's not that bothered, since she got her picture in the paper, which is more than the winner did. 

Robin says it wasn't Chrissy's fault.  Mildred says she knows it was "Percy Thrower upstairs."  Larry has been avoiding her.  Then Jo finds him hiding in the cupboard.  Mildred chases him out of the flat.

Chrissy goes out to the balcony to water the plants.  Despite what he just said to Mildred, Robin comes out and says it was Chrissy's fault, believing Larry, "he's even more stupid than Jo."  Jo is understandably offended.  She says, "Oh, thank you very much.  As it happens, I know quite a lot about botany."  She says you can compare the picture in the paper with "this."  She lifts a plant from Chrissy's garden.  Both her flatmates say, "What?"  She giggles.  The episode ends.

Of course Janet is the real expert.  Now back from helping Marilyn, she says, "Poor Mrs. Roper!  But I don't understand where you guys got the idea that this stuff was cannabis.
Chrissy:  Well, Larry said it was.
Janet:  Larry?  And you believed Larry.

She says it's not cannabis, it's false aralia.  Jacks says it's obvious to her, she works in a flower shop.  She says you just have to compare it.  Pulling out a different plant, she says, "With this.  This is cannabis!"  She hands it to Jack.  He and Chrissy toss it back and forth.  Then Jack takes the bouquet and is going to throw it out the door.  Since Mr. Roper is waiting outside, about to knock, Jack hands him the bouquet and says, "Happy birthday."  Then he and Chrissy whistle innocently.

Laughing stock:  In the tag for 3'sC, Janet is visiting the Ropers.  Stanley comes in with the paper and says, "Look at that picture!  I'm the laughing stock of the whole town!"  Helen says he should be used to that by now.  But when she opens the paper, she's shocked.  He says it's her fault.  So they bicker.

Janet tries to make peace, hoping they'll kiss and make up.  Helen is all for that.  Stanley reluctantly gives her a peck on the lips.  She puts her arms around him and lowers him to the floor, out of view behind the couch.  The audience applauds. 

He cries, "Helen!  Helen!  What are you doing?"  She surfaces and says to Janet, "Married 20 years and he still doesn't know."  Janet is both amused and embarrassed, so she sneaks out.  And the episode ends.

Commentary:  The beauty pageant is an odd way to start the 3'sC episode, since it has nothing to do with the illegal ingesting of substances.  But it gives John Ritter a chance to be silly, as it does for the duo of O'Sullivan and Fisher.  It's interesting that Janet is insecure about her chest (as indicated on some other episodes), while the British girls remain comfortable with their figures.  (I'm glad they've dropped Jo dieting, that was just odd.) 

It's also notable that while we get something quasi-political with Miss Common Market, the American contest seems to be agricultural.  Similarly, Larry is identified by the part of the country he's from, South Kent, while Jack is Mr. Pico Boulevard.  (Kent, by the way, is the British county closest to Calais.)  And instead of Stanley yet again thinking Jack is gay (and cross-dressing), we get Brit-Chrissy encouraging George to question Larry's sexuality, an unexpected end to a sequence that started with Larry calling Robin queer.

Brit-Larry's best moment for me is not Mr. South Kent but the string of cliches he summons up to "comfort" Jo in her grief.  Amer-Larry's best is when he says, "Call me," which implies he not only recognizes but enjoys pot.  Robin, Jack, and the Chrissys are "good kids" who barely know what cannabis is.  As for Jo, well, in the movie she'd tried pot but didn't like it.  However, I'm not sure how canonical that is, and she could just be bluffing in the last scene of MatH31.

It's odd that Jo is removed from much of that episode.  It makes sense in the case of 3'sC, since they couldn't have florist Janet around during the plant panic.  When Jo left for her nephew's christening, it was so that we could have "And Then There Were Two."  They could've at least had her as part of the gardening and then out when Larry starts the cannabis scare, as happens with Janet.  And meanwhile, as if Jack doesn't have enough to do, he gets not just Robin's lines but a few of Brit-Chrissy's and Brit-Larry's. 

The way the Ropers are handled on the three episodes is quite a contrast.  As always, they bicker, but the American show heightens it, to the point that the audience applauds.  Stanley's reluctance about the "kissing and making up" doesn't sit well with me though, while it's kind of cute how beer makes George randy, even if Mildred does try to take advantage of that by getting him drunk round the clock. 

The class issue is very different on the two shows.  For MatH, class is related to economics, with the Brit-Ropers somewhere below the "middle class" of news agents and greengrocers that Mildred tries to emulate.  Meanwhile, George drinks tea out of the saucer, which is perfectly acceptable in some cultures, even if Mildred doesn't think it's posh.  But on 3'sC, Stanley's burp has nothing to do with money, it's just that he's tacky.

It's clear why the "driving lesson" plot was dropped for America.  It would be more unusual for an American woman not to know how to drive in her early 20s.  (Of course, I was in my late 30s when I got my license, but that's very rare these days.)  Brit-Chrissy did "drive" on the previous episode, but that was with Robin pushing the car, in the middle of nowhere.  With the driver's licence plot goes Robin getting arrested for drunk driving, although Jack does get the drunk bike-riding section.

Responsibility, or its lack, is important on both of these British episodes.  On MatH22, she first claims that it wasn't her fault that she hit the man's bicycle, and then she starts saying "we" did it, like Robin was equally to blame.  Then on MatH31, Robin first says it was Larry's fault and then says it was Chrissy's for listening to Larry, never mind that Larry is his best mate and he believed Larry just as much as she did.  On 3'sC, sensible Janet isn't to blame for anything, and could've prevented much of the trouble had she been around.  She tells the Ropers that Jack and Chrissy meant well, and Mrs. Roper that Mr. Roper meant well.

I like hearing what the laws were in the '70s, how long you'd get sentenced for various offences, in both the U.K. and U.S.  It's fair to say that drunk driving would less likely be a subject of humor now than it was then, in either country.  (That was the era when Foster Brooks was considered funny.)  As for pot, there was an occasional moment, like the 1993 Roseanne episode called "A Stash from the Past," that used it for humor after "Just Say No," but really, Nancy Reagan's campaign made the pot-smoking sequence of 9 to 5 look dated within three years after it hit movie theaters in 1980.  Judging from the likes of '80s/'90s programmes like The Young Ones and Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the British attitude remained more casual.

It seems kind of silly for Robin and Chrissy to lug the plant to the police station, although it does allow them to give it to the dustmen on their way home.  Jack and Chrissy are more sensible to leave the bouquet behind, although Jack is foolish to ride his bike while intoxicated.

Although Robin implies that the police are no longer our friends, the way they were in Chrissy's childhood in the '50s and early '60s, the police, magistrate, and all come across pretty well in these episodes, seeming sane compared to the criminals.  They even have their paternal moments, although they can be strict. 

These episodes manage to refer to not only MatH favourite Churchill but also FDR, with Chrissy's "fear" quote.

Jo is very dotty on both these episodes, with her family stories and twisted logic, like being twice as late to work.

My absolute favorite part of these three episodes is of course is that we find out Robin's middle name.