"Three of a Kind"

The last episode of the third series of MatH is not bad but it's not terribly memorable either.  The "poker" episode of 3'sC offers bad puns ("Poker-hontas") and a strip element.  This episode, "Three of a Kind," is milder.  It aired on 20 November 1974.

Derek:  We start with an aerial shot of Robin and two of his mates playing poker.  We know Larry of course.  The new fellow, with the sandy hair, moustache, and beard, is called Derek.  The actor, Jeremy Bulloch, was born in '45 and has credits spanning over 50 years, the most notable being seven episodes of Dr. Who, in '65, '73, and '74.

Robin is winning the game, and failing to be modest about it.

Larry tells a dirty joke about three old ladies and a well-built burglar.  The girls come in before he finishes.  Robin tries to signal to him.  When Larry sees the girls, he says he forgot the ending.  Jo says she heard the joke on Stars on Sunday (a music program then in the middle of its decade-long run).

The girls notice how smoky the room is.  Chrissy says they should hang a goverment health warning on the door.  As Chrissy tidies up, Jo sprays a pine-scented air freshener.

Robin's throat is bad.  He's been treating it with fags, beers, crisps, and peanuts.  Derek wants to examine it.  He'll be a fully fledged doctor in a year.  Everyone peers down Robin's throat.  Derek says Robin's tonsils will have to come out.  Chrissy asks if she should go get the bread knife.

Toby jug:  Downstairs, George is figuring out whom to bet on in a football match.  He and Mildred argue about the money in her toby jug.  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jug_(container)#Toby_Jug )  She's saving up for a new winter coat.

Back upstairs, the two guests leave.  The girls think Robin's throat is getting worse.  He says he's fine, and don't argue with an invalid.

Dr. McLeod:  Robin gives in to his friends' pressure, and the next scene is set in a doctor's office.  In a rare continuity error, Derek introduces Robin to Dr. McLeod, even though this doctor was treating Robin on "Match of the Day."  Duncan Lamont, by the way, was also doing Dr. Who in '74.

Robin says he doesn't believe in doctors.  McLeod assures him that they exist.  He asks if Robin has a temperature.  Robin says, "Everyone has, haven't they?"

McLeod is annoyed by Derek's kibitzing, but Derek's diagnosis is correct.  Robin has tonsillitis.  Derek has already arranged for Dr. Berkeley-Jones to operate, and he's reserved a bed for Robin.  Dr. McLeod says maybe he's misjudged Derek, who'd make a good consultant.

Idiot:  At the trio's flat later, Mr. Roper is again fixing the kitchen taps, badly.  Chrissy goes in the lounge and says Roper's an idiot.  Jo agrees.

Robin enters and says he's going to the hospital tomorrow.  He's nervous, so Jo says she had her tonsils out.  It left a scar.  She points to her waist.

Chrissy says at least they're not snipping out bits that are useful.  Robin says all of his bits are useful.

Mr. Roper comes in and tells a story from the war, about one of his mates who had his tonsils out and died, but from a buzz bomb.  After he leaves, Robin calls him an idiot.

One reason Robin is nervous is that he's heard of hospital mix-ups, like a man going in for ingrown toenails but having a baby.  Chrissy says it's the easiest operation there is, but she keeps putting her foot in her mouth.

Robin says that the last time he was in hospital, they held him up by the ankles and spanked his bottom.  We assume he means when he was born, although you never know.

The three of them have gone into the kitchen, so Chrissy says that the operation is as easy as putting a washer on a tap.  So when she turns on the water, it shoots out at her.  Robin lightly embraces Jo as they laugh.

Headstone:  The next morning, Chrissy stops Robin from eating since he's going to have an operation.  He talks about dying, so she asks him why he always dramatises.  He hands her a box with his insurance policies and all his savings.  Trying to look sombre, she says, "I've already ordered the headstone." 

When Robin leaves, apparently either catching the bus to the hospital or going on foot, Jo says they'll see him on Tuesday.  After he goes, Chrissy says the next few days aren't going to be pleasant.
Jo:  For him?
Chrissy:  For me, 'cause you're gonna be doing the cooking.

72:  In the hospital, a young nurse takes Robin's pulse, 72.  He gets it mixed up with his temperature.  And then when Derek comes in, he does the same.  She's not impressed with him, and after she leaves, he says that they (nurses) won't speak to you when you're a student, but "the minute you qualify, they have the trousers off you."

He tells Robin that Dr. Berkeley-Jones is a good doctor who hardly drinks at all anymore, at least not during surgery.  He doesn't sound like he's joking.  And he thinks that Robin ruined this afternoon's poker session.

The girls come in and Jo calls Derek doctor before recognising him.  Robin says Derek isn't a doctor because he still has his trousers on.

After Derek leaves, Robin says Derek is in a bad mood because of the poker game.  He jokes about Chrissy running the game.  She doesn't think it's funny.  He says poker is a man's game.  She says that in Moscow the women sweep snow and dig ditches.  If men can play poker, so can women.

Robin admits that there are certain things women are good at.
Chrissy:  Yeah, bearing children, cooking, and washing up.
Robin:  No, you missed out on the one I was thinking of.

She says she'll bet his money in the box, since it's only his poker winnings.  He asks if she can play poker.  She says, "What a daft question!"

Ashtray:  Back at the flat, Chrissy is trying to memorise poker hands from The Illustrated Book of Card Games.  Jo thinks Chrissy should've told Robin she can't play.  Chrissy says she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.  She sticks a note to the bottom of the ashtray.  (It goes right on without tape, so perhaps she's invented the post-it note.)

She lets in Larry, who's wearing his Oxford sweatshirt.  She says he was supposed to be there by 3.30.  He says next time he'll bring a note.

Jo puts a floral arrangement on the card table.  And she's going to be serving cucumber sandwiches and barley water.

We briefly switch to the entryway, where Derek comes in and accidentally bumps into Mr. Roper.  George tells him that Robin is in hospital.  Derek says, "Larry and I are carrying on with Chrissy," but he means poker.  George is intrigued by the possibility of gambling.

Derek goes into the trio's flat.  He says Robin is worried, but about his money, rather than the surgery.

We find out that Jo is also serving fairy cakes, smaller versions of cupcakes.  She encourages the others to use napkins.  Larry has her move the flowers, since that's where the pot goes, as in kitty. 

Chrissy thinks 10p a bet is too much.  They'll do 1p.  She says they're here for a social afternoon, not to win money off each other. 

She consults the ashtray to see how to play.  Larry gets suspicious but lets it go.

No limit:  Downstairs, George listens to the match on the radio.  They lose.  Mildred says he's gambling mad.

He sneaks the money out of her toby jar and goes upstairs, allegedly to work on the water tap.

Larry has won the last three hands, winning a grand total of 8p.  Mr. Roper comes in, looking gleeful.  He invites himself to play, but when he hears the limit, he says that he'll look at the water tap.  The men offer to help.

Chrissy reluctantly offers to make the limit 2p.  Larry says there's no limit.  She's unhappy about that.

Mr. Roper moves the ashtray.  When Chrissy objects, he says he didn't know she smoked.  She says she doesn't, but she likes to keep it handy in case she starts.

Bluffing:  Back in the hospital, the nurse rolls in a phone on a cart.  Robin is about to get an injection, but he takes the call.  Chrissy asks about poker.  She admits she lied.  It's down to her and Mr. Roper.  Robin asks if Mr. Roper is bluffing.  "I don't know, I'll ask him."  He stops her.

She tells him her not very impressive hand as the nurse gives him an injection in the bum.  (He's facing us and partially covered by the sheet.)  He tells Chrissy she has an unbeatable hand.  After he hangs up, the nurse, suddenly sounding very Scottish, says, "I wouldn't have the nerve to tell a great big whopper like that just before I went into the operating theatre." 

The actress playing her, Louisa Martin, in 1971 had a recurring role on Emmerdale Farm, a program that's still running to this day, although shortened to Emmerdale.  A couple decades after this episode, she had a recurring role on Avonlea. 

Chrissy has Jo get the rentbook.  She bets Mr. Roper's five pounds plus another ten.  She smiles.  He gives in. 

Then Derek sees her poker hand.  Larry is amused that she was bluffing.  She's mad with Robin for lying to her.

But this is nothing to the fury of Mrs. Roper when she shows up in the doorway.

Accident:  In the closing scene, Mrs. Roper checks on Robin in hospital.  She and George had to go to outpatients.  He had a little accident.  An empty toby jug fell on his head.  Robin is sympathetic until George comes in with a huge bandage on his forehead.  Robin and Mildred laugh, he especially, so much it looks like the actors are breaking character.

Commentary:  When money is involved in the Battle of the Sexes, the results can get ugly.  Not only do we have Mrs. Roper hitting her husband with a toby jug, but Chrissy is prepared to gamble away the rent money, just to prove she can play poker as well as a man.  And Jo doesn't even try to stop her.

Jo in the last section of the episode ends up in the role of hostess, with all the feminine touches like flowers and cucumber sandwiches.  It's ironic that when Chrissy lists off stereotypical things that women are supposed to be good at, she mentions cooking, even though she's just complained about Jo's cooking.  (I don't know why Chrissy never cooks.  Perhaps she's even worse.)  Hopefully the fairy cakes are store-bought.

I like that the nurse is played for neither stereotype of "hot nurse" nor "cold nurse."  She's just a woman doing her job.

This episode offers an example of Larry trying to behave himself around Chrissy and Jo, not finishing his dirty joke, which they already heard on television anyway.

Looking back on the third series, I think it starts out well but becomes weaker.  The addition of Larry as a tenant is good, but the last few plots are less interesting.  I'm curious to see what happens in the fourth series, but first there will be a cinematic interlude.

"We Shall Not Be Moved"

The nineteenth episode of MatH doesn't have an American counterpart, although this plot certainly would've worked for 3'sC, considering the number of times Stanley Roper threatens eviction.  "We Shall Not Be Moved" aired on 13 November 1974.

The male mind revisited:  The episode opens in the kitchen, as Jo is cooking something we never see or hear about, and the other two are playing chess.
Robin:  Now, don't misunderstand me, Chrissy.  I mean, I like girls.  You know, they're my favourite opposite sex.  I'm just saying that they are different from men.
Chrissy:  Yes, helpless, feather-brained sex objects.
Jo:  Leave me out of it.

He says it's been proved scientifically that the woman's brain is lighter than the man's.  Chrissy says perhaps it gets more exercise.

He asks where are your female mathematicians, philosophers, or writers.  Wikipedia lists quite a few each of mathematicians and philosophers, but Chrissy decides to answer the last part of his question, probably because there are more household names.  She mentions the Bronte sisters, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and Jane Austen.  So he adds in children's author Enid Blyton.  He says women write lightweight stuff.  "Where's your Gulag Archipelago?"  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gulag_Archipelago ).  Jo says it's at the base of the spine.

Robin says chess is the ultimate example.  The male mind can cope with it, because it's pure applied logic.  Chrissy points out that he's put his queen where the king should be.  He says he was just testing her.

The doorbell rings and Jo lets in Mrs. Roper, who says she's on the scrounge.  She wants to borrow their suitcase.  She's going to visit her sister in Purley, which is in the south of London.  She's looking forward to it, especially since George isn't going. 

Her sister has a swimming pool, kidney-shaped since the brother-in-law is in the meat trade.  Robin says it's lucky the man doesn't doctor cats for a living.  (We'd say "fix" them.)  Mrs. Roper has tried to persuade her husband to go in the pool, knowing he can't swim.

Jo brings out a suitcase, saying they only have two, their best and a tatty one.  Of course Mrs. Roper thinks this one is tatty, when it's their best.

After Mrs. Roper leaves, Jo tells Robin not to worry about the chess game.  "You'll get that piece back when you change ends at half-time."

Ethel:  When we switch to downstairs, we see that Mrs. Roper's leopard-print slacks have a matching jacket.  She's packing. 

George can't stand her sister Ethel or nameless brother-in-law, the latter a show-off, like her brother in "While the Cat's Away."  This brother-in-law has a wine cellar. 

Mildred sits down and complains about the spring in the settee.

Her taxi shows up.  She asks George if he'll miss her.
George:  I'll miss you as much as you'll miss me.
Mildred:  I see.

She says she'll be back in a week.  He reluctantly kisses her goodbye, then wipes his mouth.

As soon as she goes out the front door, he takes out a folded piece of paper and laughs mischievously.

Waugh:  Robin moves the chess game into the lounge since the light is better there.  Chrissy is winning.  She takes his queen.  He says the bright light is giving him a headache.

The doorbell rings.  As Robin goes to answer it, Jo comes up with "another famous woman writer, Evelyn Waugh."

Mr. Roper comes in but takes awhile to get to the point.  He takes out the folded paper, which turns out to be their lease that expired three weeks ago.  Robin thinks Mr. Roper wants to raise the rent, but Mr. Roper wants to evict them.  It won't be immediately.  The end of the week will do.

Jerry:  The next scene introduces George's friend, Jerry, who'll be making two more appearances on MatH, plus a few on George & Mildred.  He's played by Roy Kinnear, who not only did a load of British television, including That Was the Week That Was and The Avengers, but some film roles as well, most memorably as Veruca Salt's father in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.  Jerry isn't exactly a pleasant fellow, but it's delightful to see Roy Kinnear.

Jerry tells George that he's doing the right thing.  Using George's beer, Jerry draws the trio's flat on the table, not to scale.  He shows George how they can make five self-contained dwelling units, for 15 quid a week each.  Bill the bartender (uncredited) wipes the table down.

George doesn't know how Mildred will take it, although we can guess.  Jerry says by the time she gets back, "they're out, we're in, fate accomplished."

George invites him over.  He found out where Mildred hid the Scotch.

Twit:  Chrissy is on the phone.  After she hangs up, she says that the Citizens' Advice Bureau said that Mr. Roper has to give them three months' notice in writing.  "And even then, he has to apply for a possession order.  And even then, we can appeal to the rent tribunal."

They wonder who should tell Mr. Roper.  Jo volunteers, but Robin dismisses her.  She says, "You've got me marked down as a twit, haven't you?"  When he includes her, she says she can't because she'll never remember it all.  Chrissy says she'll do it, but not on her own.

Emotional blackmail:  George tells Jerry he found the Scotch in the drawer with his clean underpants.  Mildred obviously reckoned he wouldn't change while she was away.  (For a week?)  Jerry calls her a cunning cow.

George says she doesn't scare him, he wears the pants in the house.  Jerry jokes, "And the underwear."

Jerry says he has half of his workforce standing by, although that turns out to be only one man.  George asks about the furniture.  Jerry says it's very nice, except for the spring sticking up his backside.  George means the furniture upstairs.  Jerry says he has a couple fellows who can put it in storage.

The kids come by to have a word.  George introduces his friend, saying, "He's, er, Jerry."  Robin hears this as "He's a Jerry," probably because Mr. Roper is established as hating Germans.  Robin tells Jerry, "Welcome to Britain."

Robin and Chrissy don't know how to put it.  Then Jo calmly says, "Well, you can't evict us without three months' notice in writing, which we can challenge, requiring you to apply for a possession order.  Then we can appeal to the rent tribunal."

Jerry makes up a story about Mr. Roper needing the flat for his mother.  She's dying and wants to spend her last days with her only son.  Unless George has seven sisters, that part is a lie, too. 

Robin says the flat is rather large for one old lady, but Jerry says there will be a full-time nurse.  He claims George didn't tell them because that would've been emotional blackmail.

They give in and leave.  George tells Jerry his mother has been dead for eleven years.

Wombles:  Chrissy is on the phone again, this time ringing up places for rent, as Robin and Jo check the newspaper.  Jo sees one out of their league, a three-bedroom flat for 45 pounds a week.  It's in Wimbledon Common, so Robin says it's expensive because of all those Wombles spotters.  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wombles )

Jo finds something else interesting after Chrissy is off the phone.
Jo:  "Not a day for speaking your mind.  Those close to you may become impatient."
Robin:  Stop reading your horoscope!

Robin is going to ring up about a flat for three people to share.  It's only twice as much as they can afford.  But when he gets the landlady on the phone, she asks if he's suntanned and if he has frizzy hair.
Chrissy:  She wants to know if you're coloured, and she's not allowed to ask.
Robin:  (with an exaggerated "black" accent) Well, hush my mouth, Soul Sister!  I's a whitey, sho nuff, and no cotton-- She's hung up.

Filing cabinet:  We get a transition of a view of the rental ads with a few circled, as inappropriately cheerful music plays.

Then we're in a rental office, where the young agent is played by Derek Seaton, who was one of the policemen on "It's Only Money."  Robin and Chrissy tell him that they want something suitable for three to share.  Seeing only two of them, he asks, "Are you pregnant?"  Neither of them is, but the third flatmate is using her lunch hour to eat.  They're taking turns.

They can afford eight pounds each at most. 

The phone rings and as the agent answers, he tells Robin to have a look in the filing cabinet.  Robin tells Chrissy he doesn't think it'll be big enough for the three of them.  She laughs.

The agent writes down one promising prospect, two bedrooms for twelve a week.

After he hangs up, Robin says there are only two flats listed.  The agent says actually there's only one now.  It's a one-bedroom flat.  Robin considers it but Chrissy gives him a dubious yet amused look.

She asks about the phone call, but the agent wants it himself.  That's the reason he took this job.  It's the only way to find a decent flat in London.

Tears of joy:  We get another shot of rental ads, this time with ads both circled and crossed out.

Then we see the girls at the pub.  Jo sees a listing for a cheap houseboat in Camden, probably cheap because there's no river in Camden. 

Robin comes back from visiting a flat in Fulham.  He and a girl went to ring the bell at the same time.  They laughed together, and while he was still laughing, she nipped in and got the flat.

He says that legally Roper can't kick them out.  Jerry is in the pub and he overhears this, spilling his drink.  He comes over and says that Roper told his mother yesterday.  She cried tears of joy.  Robin knows he won't say anything to Roper.

It's fun to stay at the Y...:  Later, the trio are packing up.  Chrissy says, "Three years and this is all I've got to show for it."  This means that she must've moved into the flat in '71 (or very late in '70). 

Robin says she also has a heart full of memories, golden moments of friendship to look back on, some smiles, and some tears.  Then he says he thought a bit of gooey sentimentality might help.  She tells him to shut up.

Mr. Roper comes in and asks when they're leaving.  Not till 3.

Robin is going back to the YMCA, while Chrissy's going to the YWCA.  Robin says, "We tried to swap but they wouldn't let us."  Jo is going to stay with a girlfriend, even though I don't think we've met any of her female friends besides Chrissy.

The trio got George's mother flowers as a welcoming gift.  They wonder when she'll be getting there.  He says he doesn't know, since he's not sure which direction she's coming from, implying he doesn't know if she went to Heaven or Hell.

After Mr. Roper leaves, Chrissy says that they never finished the chess game and it's been a week.  Robin says there's no point in rushing.


Six rather than five:  At the pub, George tells Jerry that when he saw the flowers, he began to feel he was doing something mean.  (I think he means cruel rather than cheap, although both are applicable here.)  Jerry is unswayed.  He again uses George's beer to draw the flat, this time making six dwelling units.  Granted, none of them could get to the bog (bathroom).  Bill again wipes away the drawing.

Jerry again mentions that he has a couple fellows to move the trio's furniture, which leads us to the next scene.

Removal men:  The two fellows show up in the entryway.  One of the actors, Michael Redfern, will go on to both Robin's Nest and George & Mildred, as well as The Young Ones and Eastenders, while the other, Ian Sharp, will return to MatH as Tom.  At this point, I can't tell you which is which, and it doesn't really matter for this episode.

They know they need to see a Mr. Roper, so when Robin runs downstairs, they think that's him.  Before he leaves, he tells them they need to see the man in the ground-floor flat.  They look in and say they'll soon have this stuff out.

Robin and Rodin:  Robin and Chrissy are playing chess again.  He's got his head on his fist.  She says he looks just like that statue The Thinker, except that he's not stark-naked.  Robin says that can be arranged, since it's half an hour till the van's due.

Jo brings them tea.  She suggests moving the man with the pointed hat.  Robin says they'll soon be going their separate ways.  She knows he's leading up to an insult.  He tells her to mind her own business.

Jo leaves to take down the rentbook.  Chrissy says Robin's right, they are going their separate ways.  They may never see each other again.  He asks why he should want to see a girl who thrashes him at chess.

Little bugger:  Jo knocks on the Ropers' door.  Mrs. Roper comes in the front door.  She's again in the leopard-print outfit.  She tells Jo she's wasting her time because George is probably down at the pub.  Jo says she came down to give them the rentbook and say goodbye.

Back upstairs, Chrissy wants Robin to not move a piece to a particular spot.  He says he hates girls that patronise him.
Chrissy:  More or less than girls who beat you at chess?
Robin:  The same.

Jo and Mrs. Roper come in.  Mildred says it's a good thing she took the early train.  She looks around at the packed-up flat and asks, "What's the little bugger been up to now?"

Jerry-built:  George comes in the front door and sees the suitcase.  He calls to his wife.  He goes in the flat.  We don't see it, just his stunned reaction as he says, "Oh my God!"

Back upstairs, Mildred says that George's mother has been dead for 11 years.  Far too forgiving, Jo says, "Perhaps he's forgotten."

Mildred says that George has been on about this for months, wanting to split the flat up and get more rent.  "And he waits till I go away."

George peeks in the open door.  She says she knows he's there.  She can smell the fear.

He says it was Jerry's idea.  She says his friend is the one who thought up the phrase "jerry-built."  ("Jerry-rigged" is the equivalent American phrase.)

She tells the trio that if anyone's leaving, it'll be George.  She says they'll go down to their flat to discuss it in private.  He'd rather stay upstairs, but she insists.

Chrissy says, "So much for male superiority."  Robin says, "Aw, who cares?  It means we're staying."  He hugs her and lifts her off the ground, which is quite a trick considering they're about the same height.  She tells him, "Put me down, you don't know where I've been."

They go back to the chess game.  Jo still thinks Robin should move the one with the pointed hat.  He's so happy to be staying that he humours her.  She says now that gives him checkmate.  He gives her a little kiss, not really paying attention to the game, but Chrissy says, "Oh, she's right.  You've won."

Robin says it was obvious from the start.  "I mean, the male mind--"  Chrissy throws a pillow at him.

Nothing:  George doesn't want Mildred to go into their flat.  She tells him to get out of her way.  He suggests they discuss the matter out in the entryway, or they could go for a walk.  She asks, "What's in there?"  He says, "Nothing."  He turns out to be telling the literal truth.  All that's left is the birdcage and some newspapers on the floor.

He says the furniture is only in storage, but she wants to get fancy new furniture like her sister's.

Commentary:  "I Shall Not Be Moved" was originally a folk song.  In the 1930s, it got pluralized for use as a protest song.  It says in part, "Just like a tree that's standing by the water/ I shall not be moved."  The trio are not that determined/stubborn.  As soon as they hear that their flat is going to Mr. Roper's mother, they decide not to fight, even though they have the legal right to do so.

Perhaps more than any other episode so far, this episode is about the Battle of the Sexes.  You of course have the Ropers, with deservedly hen-pecked George.  He claims he wears the pants, but he's enough scared of his wife to wait till she's gone before he evicts the tenants.  She probably won't physically hurt him, although she wouldn't mind if he drowned.

Chrissy and Robin's chess game runs throughout, even though a week passes.  Significantly, he puts his queen where his king should be, symbol of the upheaval of sex roles in the 1970s.  He knows Chrissy is at least as smart as he is, but he likes pontificating on the male mind.  Even when he goes to look at a property, he's outsmarted by a girl who grabs the flat  while he's still laughing.

And then there's Jo.  The dumb-blonding of her character is not as dramatic as with Amer-Chrissy, but she does seem to be getting dimmer, and there are more lines about it, from her as well as her flatmates.  However, she is bright enough to remember the laws about eviction, as well as to figure out how to play chess without knowing what the pieces are called.  She's at least smarter than Jerry, who leads George astray and doesn't know how to say "fait accompli."

The other form of prejudice addressed in this episode is racial.  "We Shall Not Be Moved" was adopted by the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s, although never as well known as "We Shall Overcome."  Robin is used to Mr. Roper's prejudice against the Germans, so he just assumes it even when it's not the case.  But when faced with a bigoted potential landlady, he responds by acting like a stereotypical "coloured" man.  Of course, Robin makes bigoted jokes himself (like the one about eating missionaries last week), but I think he's more politically incorrect than hateful.

One last note.  So much has changed in the past year that Robin and Chrissy only joke about their possible separation forever, rather than get genuinely sentimental.  On "Carry Me Back to Old Southampton," they did both.  There's still RCST, but they seem to have made peace with it, for the moment anyway.

The Baby Sitters of Two Foot Two, Eyes of Blue

The twelfth episode of MatH converts into the twenty-third episode of 3'sC pretty easily, with some omissions and changes in dialogue.  Again, a Robin-and-Chrissy plot becomes a Jack-and-Chrissy plot.  (If you're wondering if Janet ever gets to be the focus in the early seasons, the answer is yes, but so far not with a MatH-based plot.)  "Two Foot Two, Eyes of Blue" aired 6 February 1974, while "The Baby Sitters" appeared on January 17, 1978, placing #4 in the ratings.

More of me:  Jo wants to borrow an up-lift bra.  Robin queenily says he's wearing it himself.  She means Chrissy's.
Chrissy:  You've got nothing to uplift.
Jo:  I've got more than you have.
Chrissy:  Rubbish!
Robin says he's willing to offer his services as an impartial judge.  (Paula Wilcox looks more endowed than Sally Thomsett, though not as much as Suzanne Somers.)

Meanwhile, Jack is reading on the couch.  Janet enters from the bathroom in a towel.  He suggests they play drop the handkerchief.  Janet borrows Chrissy's brown eyeliner and goes back in the bathroom.

Jack tells Chrissy he's reading Quorum:  A Study of Personal Relationships.  (Robin's Quorum was a "journal," and seemed to be a magazine rather than a book, although it was referred to as both.)  The cover is much plainer than the racy British version.  Jack and Chrissy have a similar conversation to Robin and Chrissy back on MatH4, although instead of only one who's had a crack at being both a man and a woman, it's a couple people.  Like Robin, Jack measures his head to measure his virility, although Amer-Chrissy doesn't remark, "He's obsessed with sex."  When Jack sees what it says about 22 inches, he says, "What a crackpot theory this is!"

Brit-Chrissy points out that Jo already has her lipstick, fingernails, eyelashes.  Jo thinks Chrissy objects because Chrissy fancies Philip herself.  Chrissy says, "There's more of me going out with him than you."

While Jack's getting the tape measure from the kitchen, Janet returns from the bathroom, still in the towel.  She wants to borrow Chrissy's tan skirt and plaid shawl.  (Hey, it was the '70s!  Actually, the outfit does look nice when it's all assembled.)  Chrissy says, "There's more of me going out with David than there is of you," but there's no sense of rivalry or hostility here.

Robin tells the girls they should stop quarreling over Philip and instead quarrel over him.  Jo says he's too available.  He claims he's hard to get.
Chrissy:  Come to bed.
Robin:  You talked me into it.
She says he'll miss Match of the Day.  (Not only was this the title of an episode, but this is one of the BBC's longest-running shows, since 1964 showing highlights of the day's matches for the Premier League.)  He gleefully says, "Oh, what a choice!  Lechery or Leeds!"

Jo warns that one of these days Robin will take Chrissy at her word.  "Then what will you do?"  Chrissy says, "I shall whisper for help."  Robin laughs.

The phone rings while Jo/Janet is out of the room.  Chrissy answers.  It's Simon/Jerry Randall.  Simon is from #27, I think the street address rather than the number of a flat, because it's too far away to be in the same building, and anyway this building looks too small to have 27 flats.  Simon/Jerry says he and Podge/Punkin are leaving at seven-thirty.  It turns out that Jo/Janet promised weeks ago that she'd babysit.  Brit-Chrissy is especially amused.

When Jo comes back, Chrissy says, "I only hope he doesen't wet himself all over your new dress."  Amer-Chrissy tells Janet, "I just hope he does't wet himself all over your skirt."  (Especially since she borrowed the skirt from Chrissy.)  Jo/Janet has compelety forgotten about babysitting.  Chrissy offers to take her place.

Brit-Chrissy:  Where will Philip be taking me?
Amer-Chrissy:  Where's David going to be taking me?

The Chrissies, Robin, and Jack don't want to babysit.  Robin/Jack suggests Mrs. Roper, but Chrissy says she's in bed with the flu.

Toast on fire:  Cut to the Ropers', where he's serving her breakfast on a tray.  George is wearing a fluffy pink apron, symbol of his emasculation.  (He doesn't wear it comfortably like Robin does his naughty apron.)  Mr. Roper made a boiled egg and somehow set the toast on fire.

George changed her library book.  She wanted a nice romance, but he got her Rustlers at Cactus Creek, which he's going to read first.  She wants to sit and chat.  So he asks if they kept up their death benefit insurance. 

Stanley says Name That Tune (established early on as his favorite program) is going on in a few minutes.  But she wants him to sit and talk about Us.  He says here they are, together, and if only she were well, they could watch Name That Tune together.

Mr. Roper suggests he sleep on the couch because of germs.  She says he never gets close enough to catch anything.

Suffocate:  Back upstairs, Chrissy says she doesn't know one end of a baby from another.  If she put a nappy/diaper on it, it'd probably suffocate.  Jo says she doesn't know either but she's made a fortune from babysitting, 40 pence/hour.  Janet says that the Randalls are old friends of hers and she can't disappoint them.

Robin still doesn't want to miss Match of the Day.  Jack wants to watch the Lakers vs. Portland.  Jo says their television set is in black & white, while the Randalls have got colour.  It would be less plausible that even flat broke young people wouldn't have color TV by '78, so Janet just says the Randalls have a better set.  Jo says they've also got a bar full of drinks.  Janet talks about the Randalls' fancy liquers, the kind that Jack has been wanting to cook with.  Now Robin/Jack wants to go.  Chrissy reluctantly agrees.

Philip/David arrives.  Philip is rather cute, and I can see why Chrissy would fancy him.  David is nerdier-looking, a little heavy, with glasses, and a suit and a tie.  Philip is going to take Jo to a Stockhausen concert.  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karlheinz_Stockhausen ), while David is going to take Janet to a recital of 14th-century music, featuring a clavichord.  Amer-Chrissy says, "She's gonna play her collarbone?"  Brit-Chrissy tells Jo, "I'd rather have the baby," while Janet tells Amer-Chrissy that maybe she should've stuck with the babysitting.

Indigestion:  Mr. Randall asks if the baby is settling down.  Mrs. Randall, very pregnant, says no, he's still kicking, going to be a football-player this one.  He meant Jonathan.  He thinks maybe they shouldn't go out that night.  Simon says, "My boss wouldn't take kindly to you whelping in the middle of dinner."  Jerry isn't that insensitive, but he is worried.  Mrs. Randall says the doctor claims there are two weeks left.  Mr. Randall says and seven months ago the doctor said it was indigestion.

The babysitters arrive.  (I have no idea why there's a space in the 3'sC title.  A hyphen I could see.  Unless it implies that Jack and Chrissy are in the infancy of their sitting.)  Robin/Jack, seeing heavily pregnant Podge/Punkin, whom he's never met before although Chrissy has, wonders if they're too early.  Chrissy asks if it's going to be a boy or a girl.  Podge/Punkin certainly hopes so.

While Podge/Punkin takes Chrissy in to see the baby, Simon/Jerry shows Robin/Jack where the bottles are, but he means baby bottles.  Podge/Punkin says Jonathan is almost a year old. 

Brit-Chrissy:  You hardly had time to catch your breath before you were off again.
Podge:  Exactly.  Simon thought it would be a good cure for post-natal depression.

Amer-Chrissy:  Boy, you hardly had time to catch your breath before you were off to the races again, huh?
Punkin:  Right.  Jerry thought having another baby would be a good cure for post-natal depression.

Meanwhile, Robin/Jack finds out that the television set is in the repair shop. 

Simon/Jerry tells his wife to hurry up.  She says, "You take all the pleasure out of being late."  They leave.

Robin/Jack pretends to watch television, Jack referring to Kareem (Abdul-Jabbar) and (Bill) Walton, of the L.A. Lakers and Portland Trail Blazers respectively.  Chrissy suggests Robin/Jack try the liquor/liquers.  but the cabinet is locked.

Robin says, "No bottle.  No drink."  He looks at her then puts his arms around her.  "You know what we could do?"  She says no.  Robin/Jack points out that they've left the flat/apartment empty and someone could steal the television.  But she doesn't want to be left alone with the baby.  She says they can just have a quiet evening there.  Then the baby cries.

A twist:  We get an extra scene at the Ropers' on MatH.  Earlier, Stanley was spraying some kind of disinfectant, and now George does the same.  Mildred says he's still got his gas mask, presumably the one from The War.  George is reading the Western.  He says, "The sheriff's about to have it out in the main street."  She takes it suggestively and says, "Oo, I must read that." 

She snuggles him, but he tells her, "Now, you need rest, My Beloved."

He reads on.
George:  Oo, I say, hey, here's a twist.  The girl from the saloon's found out that the sheriff's gun is loaded with blanks.
Mildred:  I know how she feels!

Why is a raven like a writing desk?:  Back at the Randalls', the babysitters have just changed Jonathan.  Robin tolds the diaper in wooden tongs, while Jack holds the diaper at arm's length.  Amer-Chrissy is starting to find the baby cute and Robin says he quite likes kids, but Brit-Chrissy doesn't seem to agree.  Robin says, "All women love babies.  It's a well-known fallacy."  She admits that Jonathan is nice when he's asleep.

The phone rings and the babysitters have trouble finding it at first.  Luckily the baby doesn't wake up.  Simon/Jerry says Podge/Punkin has gone into labo(u)r right in the middle of the vichyssoise/appetizer.  Robin says, "Nasty," while Jack only says, "What?"  The pains are coming every five minutes, so Simon/Jerry will be back late.  He tells Robin/Jack to have another drink.  Robin/Jack says the cabinet is locked.  Simon/Jerry says the key is in the (writing) desk. 

But when Robin/Jack goes to the desk, it's locked, too.  Then the baby cries.  Jack and Chrissy fight over who will go take care of Jonathan.  Both programs break for adverts/commercials.

Puff-Puff:  When we return, Jack is holding the baby and singing, "There was a young lady from Wheeling/Whose bust was so huge it was--"  Chrissy protests and takes Jonathan to feed him a bottle.  (Any guesses on what was going to rhyme with "Wheeling"?  I vote for "appealing.")

We don't actually hear Robin sing, but Chrissy holds the baby and asks if the nasty man frightened him with his horrible voice.  Robin says he was singing a lullaby.  Chrissy says "Lily the Pink" is not a lullaby.  (This was a surprise hit for The Scaffold in 1968, based on a folk/pub song.  Lyrics to one version here:  http://www.thebards.net/music/lyrics/Lily_The_Pink.shtml .

Robin/Jack reads Jonathan Percy Puff-Puff and His Little Red Tooter, with supporting characters like Sammy the Signal.  (A Thomas the Tank Engine parody?  Probably, since the books had been around since the '40s, although it wasn't till 1979 that it turned into a children's show and became popular world-wide.)  The writing is so inane that Amer-Chrissy would rather hear the limerick.  When she and Brit-Chrissy complain, Robin/Jack says it wasn't written for them, it was written for Robin/Jack and Jonathan.  Like Janet on "Cyrano de Tripper," she does a Steve Martin imitation with "Well, excuse me!"  (It was quite the catchphrase in '77/'78.)

Robin has a suggestive pause before turning the page:  "Percy's little tender behind (pause) him was full of coal."  This is expanded on 3'sC:  "Percy's little tender behind (pause) him was full of lumpy coal for the journey."  Brit-Chrissy/Amer-Chrissy says Robin/Jack bored Joanthan to sleep, and she puts the baby to bed.  Robin/Jack takes the book with him as they leave the room, to see how it ends.  Chrissy can't believe he's going to read it.  He says it gets pretty spicy/sexy later on.  Percy has a thing going with Daphne Diesel-Engine.  (Apparently not a diesel dyke.)  Jack adds, "What do you think was making Percy go puff-puff-puff?"

Brit-Chrissy is worried about Podge.  Robin says Podge will be all right, there's nothing to it (meaning childbirth).  He says that in China the women don't even straighten up from picking the rice.  He puts on an accent and even puts his fingers to his eyes to indicate slants!  (This would never happen on 3'sC.)

Chrissy:  How would you feel if men had the babies?
Robin:  Terrified of being alone with you, Ducky.

The phone rings and Chrissy answers it, telling Robin "You are an unfeeling pig!"  Simon says, "Yes, I know," thinking she means him.  He's calling from the hospital and has promised to watch the birth.  Robin takes the phone.

The whole sequence with Robin's prejudices is skipped for 3'sC.  Jack answers the phone right off.  Robin/Jack asks where the key to the writing desk is.  Simon/Jerry asks if Robin/Jack wants to write something.  He says no, he wants to drink something.  Simon/Jerry says then he wants the drinks/liquor cabinet, and hangs up.

Robin says Simon is understandably flustered, this is a difficult time for a husband.  Chrissy says, "It's all her.  He did his bit months ago and he probably enjoyed it.  You're a real male chauvinist you are."  He tells her, "You can't argue with Father Nature."

He borrows a hair slide (pin) and tries to pick the lock on the drinks cabinet.  She asks if he knows how and he says he's so far had no luck with her bedroom door.  He manages this lock and does a French accent, calling himself a gentleman safecracker.

He pours them drinks, sherry for her, Scotch for him. 
Robin:  A couple of these and I'm anybody's.
Chrissy:  A cup of tea and you're anybody's.

He claims he's not sex-mad.  He's never told this to anyone before, but he's worried about his virility.  (No wonder, with that 22-inch head.)  He needs a sympathetic girl to help him sort out his problems.  He can't keep up the ploy and ends up grabbing her and laughing.  She tells him to get off (in the sense of let go).  He warns her that when Gay Lib comes for him, she'll be to blame.

Chrissy:  You never give in!
Robin:  Neither do you.

The baby cries.  Chrissy goes to check on him.  She says he probably only wants a little cuddle.  Robin says to the now empty room, "I know how he feels."

On 3'sC, this is all left out, and instead Jack says damn in frustration at not being able to open the liquor cabinet.  Chrissy tells him not to swear, but when the baby cries, she exclaims, "Oh, damn!"  To put this in context, around this time it was always a big deal (especially to nine-year-old me) to hear George Jefferson use the word "damn," and Chrissy is a minister's daughter.  Swearing, "tit" aside, was very rare on 3'sC.  Although now that I think of it, both "tits" and "motherfucker" are on George Carlin's list of Seven Dirty Words, and 3'sC did use a shortened version of the latter on the never-aired Suzanne Zenor pilot.  Still, innuendo aside, 3'sC generally had less swearing than other shows of its time.

A lovely evening:  Back at the flat/apartment, Jo/Janet's date is coming to an end.  Jo says she had a lovely evening, but this wasn't it. 
Janet:  Well, David, I had a lovely evening.
David:  Did you?
Janet:  No, but I'm trying to be polite.

Philip/David is surprised she didn't enjoy Stockhausen/ 14th-century music.  She says not to listen to.  David compares it to spinach, which doesn't help.  Jo/Janet says she'd invite him in but her flatmates/roommates are home.  The phone rings and she goes to answer it.  Philip/David sneaks in while she's talking to Chrissy.

The baby hasn't stopped crying.  Jo/Janet recommends putting cotton wool/ cottonballs in your ears.  She also suggests calling Mrs. Roper, who used to work in a hospital. 

After Jo/Janet hangs up, she sees Philip/David, who remarks that they're all alone.  She says she will be once he leaves.  Philip wants some coffee, so Jo tells him where to buy some.  David wants a drink, so Janet tells him that the Regal Beagle is right around the corner.  (We knew it was in walking distance, but that's really close.)

Teething:  Back at the Randalls, Robin/Jack is trying to read to Jonathan again.  Chrissy asks, "Do you think he's teething?"  Robin/Jack tells her, "No, I'm thure he'th therious," Jack calling her "Cwithy."  She says he's responsible for that baby.  He protests that he's only been in London/L.A. for six months.  The chronology works perfectly for MatH, since this episode is almost six months after the first episode, when Robin had only been in London a few days.  But 3'sC had been on the air ten months by this point.  Jack could've said he'd been in L.A. less than a year, since Jonathan was born before Jack got to town, but the joke might not have been as funny.

Chrissy goes to call Mrs. Roper.  Amer-Jonathan briefly stops crying, but when he starts again, Jack bawls, too.

Between his legs:  Mildred is reading the Western while George sleeps.  When the phone rings, she and Helen reach across their husbands, since Mr. Roper is asleep and the phone is by his side of the bed.  Mr. Roper thinks his wife is in the mood and tells her not tonight.  We don't get Chrissy's perspective for this phone call, just Mrs. Roper's, so that we're hearing it as Mr. Roper does, only we don't wake up to it and we know what Chrissy's really talking about.

Chrissy apparently apologizes for calling since Mrs. Roper says not to worry, nothing disturbs her in bed.  She did work in a hospital, but in the laundry room.  (More background on her, although we don't know when this was.  During the war perhaps?) 

Mildred:  Did you wash his bottom?...Powder him between his legs and rub in some zinc and castor oil cream....And if that doesn't work, try dipping his comforter in honey....
Helen:  Did you feel his bottom, Chrissy?...Rub some oil between his legs and sprinkle some powder...Try putting some honey on his nipple.

"Nipple" is not one of the Seven Dirty Words, although I'm always surprised to hear it when I watch this episode.  The "comforter" line is subtler yet ultimately smuttier.  The Mr. Ropers are very confused and shocked by what they hear, Stanley especially.

We can see Robin/Jack take the phone and tell Mrs. Roper that he burped the baby, and Jonathan went right to sleep.  The scene continues at the Randalls' after Robin/Jack hangs up.  Robin gets them drinks again.  He and Jack say that there's only one remaining problem, they might have to sleep over.  Chrissy says theat there's only one bed.  Robin says, "What do you think, eh?"  She looks like she's considering it.  But Amer-Chrissy has big scared eyes.

Seven pounds, 10 ounces:  The next morning, we find Robin/Jack sleeping on the sofa.  He answers the doorbell.  Jo/Janet wonders why the two of them didn't come home last night. 

Robin:  Jo, you're a woman of the world.
Jo:  No, I'm not.
Robin:  You would've been if you'd stayed here last night.

Jack:  Janet, Janet, you're a woman of the world.
Janet:  No, I'm not.
Jack:  You would be if you spent the night here.

Meanwhile, Chrissy answers the phone.  Podge/Punkin says she had a girl, 7 lb, 10 oz.  (Two ounces heavier than Eleanor's baby.)  Her mother is coming over.  Simon/Jerry fainted during the delivery, hit his head on the floor, and might have a concussion, so he's being held for observation.  Jack asks how much the concussion weighs.

The doorbell rings again.  Robin answers it again, but this time Janet goes to the door.  The older woman says she's "Mrs. Randall's mother" in the more formal U.K., while she's "Punkin's mother" on 3'sC.  She's very bossy, as well as brisk in America.  She starts telling the trio all the tasks that need to be done for the baby.  Chrissy says that they're the night shift, Jo/Janet is the day shift.

The next twelve hours:  MatH ends there, but we get the tag scene on 3'sC.  Janet comes home, exhausted.  She says that's the last "sit" she'll do.  Two minutes after Chrissy and Jack left, the grandmother collapsed on the couch and said her heart couldn't take the excitement.  (Janet does an imitation of the grandmother.)

Janet:  I spent the next twelve hours feeding and fetching and reading.  " 'Toot-toot,' " went the little red tooter.  'Toot-toot,' went Percy the Toot-Toot!"
Jack:  Percy the Puff-Puff.
Chrissy:  Gee, we didn't have any trouble with the baby.
Janet:  The baby?  I'm talking about the old lady!
She collapses on the couch. 

Maybe it's being middle-aged myself, but Punkin's mother doesn't look that old to me.  Still, it's another case of where something has to be phrased a certain way for the purposes of a joke.

Commentary:  Although it's less the focus of the episode than on "And Then There Were Two" and "While the Cat's Away," I put the label "Robin-Chrissy-sexual-tension" on this episode, because we again get Robin and Chrissy alone together, and she again does seem tempted.  Not only does she consider sharing the Randalls' bed with Robin, but she says that if he ever takes her flirting seriously, she shall whisper for help. 

Of course, Robin isn't just sex-mad, he's also sexist, as he seems to acknowledge himself, when he says, "All women love babies.  It's a well-known fallacy."  Chrissy challenges him on many of his sexist remarks, although she doesn't care if he's making fun of the Chinese or the French.

I think the Randalls are the third married couple we meet on either show.  (Not counting the Stevenses, whom we never see on "Three's Christmas.")  They seem to be about the same age as the trio and serve as a contrast to the swinging singles.  They don't seem much happier than the Ropers, although they're probably happier than the Crosses will be once Mrs. Cross finds out about his cheating.  Mrs. Cross didn't have a first name, and Podge/Punkin just has a nickname.  (Even Punkin's mother calls her that.)  Parenthood doesn't look too attractive here either.  Jonathan is cute on both shows, but at eleven months he's a handful.  Podge/Punkin had post-natal depression, which her husband thought she should cure with pregnancy, the "hair of the dog that bit you" approach to child-spacing.

Not much can be said about the Jo/Janet subplot, but note that sometimes dates and friends take the living arrangement totally in stride.  I think this has less to do with characters' tolerance and more to do with whether the writers want to bother adding that element in.  Here, Philip/David is a pretentious bore, so it doesn't really matter whether or not he's tolerant.

Except for the babies playing little Jonathan, all the guest stars on both episodes have worked, or did work, steadily for decades.  I don't recognize any of the British guests, but Jo Kendall (Podge) has done some things that I could've seen, or you may've:  roles in not only TV productions of Sense and Sensibility and Treasure Island, but guest shots on programmes like The Two Ronnies and Two Goodies, not to mention parts in Howards End and Remains of the Day.  Bella Emberg, playing her mother, was a regular on, of all things, The Benny Hill Show (playing various roles, presumably all of them sour-faced women).  She also did guest shots on MatH's two spin-offs, George & Mildred  and Robin's Nest.  She was actually only 36 at the time of this episode, but looks far older.

Jerry Randall is played by Archie Hahn, who seems to have innocuously guest-starred on half the sitcoms of the '70s and '80s, often playing characters like "Bartender" or "Steward," and he recently played "Agent" in Alvin and the Chipmunks:  The Squeakquel.  He also did a notably unfunny string of six appearances on one of my other favorite shows, Whose Line Is It Anyway?  Lee Bryant (Podge), too, has worked steadily and mostly obscurely from the '70s to today, her role as ex-wife Fran on T.J. Hooker probably the most significant.  Sheila Rogers, who was a well-preserved 53 at the time of this episode, was another performer with an "every-face" that got her roles like "Receptionist" and "Nurse" from The Donna Reed Show to Throb (1987).  In fact, she'd win a recurring role late in 3'sC run as Marge Evans, at Terri's hospital.