"Another Bride, Another Groom"

The last episode of MatH is possibly the best:  funny, touching, and chockful of guest stars.  It takes its title from the lyrics to "Making Whoopee," the version that goes "Another bride, another groom, another sunny honeymoon."  The episode aired on 7 April, 1976.

Making Whoopee:  The episode opens with a close-up of a Cupid decoration on a wedding cake.  Robin is singing a da-da-da-dee version of "Making Whoopee."  The cake is three-tiered and very elaborate.  Robin is wearing his naughty apron as he decorates.  It's later revealed that he's wearing a T-shirt for the WSU Cougars.  (Washington State U.  Less likely than Larry at Oxford, but not impossible.)

He says, "Now for the finishing touch."  He picks up bride and groom figurines and acts out a wedding ceremony, officiator included.  As he sets them on the cake, he says, "Those whom the registrars have put together, let no cake knife put asunder."

Jo looks on with her hands on her hips.
Jo:  Can I have a slice now please?
Robin:  Certainly not.  You can't have any till after the wedding.
Jo:  (giggling) That's what my mum always told me to say.

She says that he's taking it very well about Chrissy and Norman.  He says there are plenty more fish in the sea.  As he goes to answer the doorbell, he adds, "I've given up girls.  From now on, I'm going out with fish."

Chrissy and Norman are at the door.  She says Norman bought the ring.  Robin wants to see it, through Norman's nose.

Norman wants to rehearse Robin handing the ring to him.  He doesn't want anything to go wrong.  He hands the ring to Robin, who hands it back.  Norman says that's perfect and Chrissy says it's very good.  Feigning feigning modesty, Robin says, "Well, there wasn't a lot to it really."

Norman tells him to just do it like that tomorrow.
Norman:  Remember, as best man, you're responsible for all the arrangements until we leave for the honeymoon.  (He sits on the settee next to Chrissy.)  After that, I can manage on my own.
Chrissy:  Oh, can you now?
Norman:  Well, it would help if you're around.
She giggles.  He leans in for a kiss, but Robin breaks it up.

Robin sent the invitations by post two weeks ago.  (So we know at least that much time has passed since Math38.)  Chrissy says they should start arriving any day now, the last of the "slow post office" jokes on the show.  He gave the Ropers' invitations to Mr. Roper.

The Grand Old Duke:  Downstairs, Mr. Roper is looking at that invitation.  When Mildred comes in with a cup of tea for him, he quickly hides the invitation under his jumper.

She says it's a big day tomorrow.  He says yeah, it'll be the finals of the darts tournament at the British Legion.  She's talking about the wedding.  "Oh, you mean her upstairs?  We're playing the Duke of Edinborough.  Well, not him personally.  His pub."

Mildred:  I do think they might've invited us, George.  I mean, if just for the, you know, the reception. 
George:  Well, maybe it's just the family, Mildred.
Mildred:  Well, Mr. Simmonds from the top flat's going and he's not family.
George:  Well, maybe it's family and people they like.  I mean, they never liked us.  Apart from you.
Mildred:  You know, I enjoy weddings, George.  I even enjoyed ours.  Look how that turned out.

He says they won't have to fork out money on a present.  She says she's already bought one, a pop-up toaster.  Laughing, she says, "I'll pop up with it later."  We cut to George looking surprised as he sips his tea.

Don't it make your blue eyes brown?:  Robin shows Norman the cake, telling him all the ingredients, nothing but the best.  Robin says it's his masterpiece.  Norman says he hasn't got brown eyes.  The groom figurine has brown.  Robin sarcastically says, "Oh, well, scrap the whole thing then!"  Norman says they can still use it.  It's perfect, the finest wedding cake he's ever seen, apart from the brown eyes.

Day Tripper:  Chrissy answers the doorbell.  Robin's dad is there, carrying a flat package.  They hug hello.  He drove down a day early.  Mrs. Tripp wants to look at the London shops, and it's cheaper if she does that on a Sunday. 

Mr. Tripp:  Hello, Jo.
Jo:  Hello, Mr. Tripp.  Did you have a good trip?  (She winces.)  Journey.
He says Mrs. Tripp only got sick in the car once.  Luckily, the nodding dog got most of that.  (I assume he's talking about a bobble-head dog or the like.)

His sons enter from the kitchen.  He tells them that their mum is back at the hotel, practising her sobbing for the wedding.

He gives Chrissy the package and tells her it's an electric blanket. 
Norman:  Do you think we'll need it?
Mr. Tripp:  Well, not for a week or two certainly.  There'll come cold nights, you know, when you're not in the mood.
Chrissy:  About 1990.
Mr. Tripp:  (to Norman) (unintelligible) You've got a cracker here, eh, Laddie?  (to Chrissy) You've not so bad, Love.  Me and his mother are very, very proud of our Norman.
Chrissy:  And your Robin.
Mr. Tripp:  Robin?  Well, he does his best.

Robin asks if his dad wants to see the cake he baked.  His dad says not right now.
Robin:  I said the cake I baked.  I didn't say the dress I made for my dolly!
Mr. Tripp:  You made a dress for your what?
Norman thinks their dad should see the cake because it's very good.  Dad says, "Well, if you think so, Norman."  He and Robin go in the kitchen.  Jo says, "I didn't know he had a dolly."

Mr. Tripp puts on his reading glasses to look at the cake.  Robin says it's his personal gift to Norman and Chrissy.
Mr. Tripp:  Your mother makes a fair to middling sponge.
Robin:  Well, I couldn't give them a fair to middling sponge as a wedding present, could I?
Mr. Tripp agrees and he says the cake is very good, except Norman hasn't got brown eyes.  Robin is very annoyed.

Anything You Want:  Jo asks what Norman and Chrissy are doing on their honeymoon, for the rest of the time.  Norman is sitting on the settee.  Chrissy is on its arm, and his hand is around her hips.  He puts his other arm around her and asks, "What rest of the time?"

Mildred comes in without knocking.  She says she "popped up" with the wedding present.  Chrissy says, "A toaster, what a lovely surprise."  Norman asks how she knew, and Chrissy says that's what she asked for.

Mildred says it's an exciting day tomorrow.  She asks if quite a few people are coming.
Chrissy:  Just family and poeple we like.
Mildred:  I see.  I'll be thinking of you, Love.
Norman:  But you'll be there.
Mildred:  What?
Chrissy:  Well, surely Mr. Roper gave you the invitation.
Mildred pretends he did and then excuses herself.

The Joker:  George shows a feathered dart to Oscar.  "You know a bit about feathers, don't you?"  He says the most important thing to remember is to let go of it when you throw it, or you'll hit the dartboard.  He says Oscar can appreciate a good joke.

Mildred has returned, so she says we all do (appreciate a good joke).  "Shall I tell you one?"  She has him sit in the chair, while she sits on the arm.  Punctuated by his anticipatory laughter, she tells of a little man whose wife said she was going to break his neck.  "I won't attempt the accent."  The man asked why she was going to break his neck and his wife said, "Because you didn't tell me you received a wedding invitation."  George has stopped laughing.  He pulls the invitation out from under his jumper.

A Quick One (While He's Away):  The Tripp brothers enter the pub, smoking, and Norman says they'll just have a quick one, as it's traditional.  Robin says it's not really right to get stoned (in the drunk sense) out of your mind the night before the wedding.
Norman:  I don't plan to.
Robin:  But I intend to.

They go to the bar.  Robin starts to order two pints of the best bitter, but has to change it to three when he sees Larry. 
Larry:  Last night before the big drop then?
Norman:  It's not an execution.  I'm going into it quite willingly.
Larry:  Ah, suicide.
Norman laughs.

Larry's offscreen wedding present turns out to be a garden gnome with a fishing rod.  Larry thought it was tasteful.  Norman notes that there seemed to be a little earth around the base.  Larry says, "Well, that's Harrod's for you."

They take their drinks to a table as Mr. Roper comes in and goes to the bar.  Robin asks if he has to make a speech.  Norman says it'll be just a few words at the reception.

Robin asks for a piece of paper and a pencil.  Larry hands him the bill from Harrod's.  Robin gives him a "You're kidding" look, and Larry gives him a "That shows you" look back.  Robin is surprised when he realises that Larry was telling the truth for once.

Norman says to just mention the couple, how beautiful the bride is, how handsome the groom.  "Find your own words."  Robin sarcastically says, "Thank you very much."

Writing it down, Robin says, " 'Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends.' "  George comes over with a drink and says, "Evening."  Robin adds, " 'And Mr. Roper.' "  George sits down.

George tells Norman he's going to "your whatshisname" tomorrow.  He hopes they'll hurry it up, since he's got this darts match.  Norman says he'll bear it in mind.

He's dubious about marriage and says that women can be-- He breaks off and looks round.  The other men lean in as he confides that women can be very demanding physically.
George:  I'm not putting you off, am I?
Norman:  (laughing) No.
George:  Oh well, it takes all sorts.
The men all pick up their glasses.

I've Got a Little List:  Meanwhile, the girls are on the settee, Mildred in the chair, as they laugh and drink together.

Mildred says George was ever so nervous when they got married.  He put the ring on the vicar's finger.  "If I hadn't mentioned it, they'd be together yet."  This is crazy enough on its own, but combined with the image of Mildred doing up George's fly buttons (revealed on "The Party's Over"), it suggests total chaos.  Yet Mildred claims to have enjoyed her own wedding.

Jo asks if Chrissy's nervous.  Chrissy says, no, there are only 156 things that can go wrong.  She's made a list.  Laughing, Jo says, "When my Uncle Cyril got married, his braces snapped and his trousers fell down."  Chrissy says, "157." 

(On "And Then There Were Two," Jo said that her nephew Cyril was named after a fellow Cyril who was after Uncle Charles.  Either she has an Uncle Cyril after all or they've started calling that man "uncle," as in a family friend.  Or she and/or the writers can't keep her family members straight.)
 
It's Late:  George is also recalling the wedding.  When the vicar said "Speak now" etc., not a soul spoke.  "Not a bloody soul."

Norman stands up and wants to go.  George says it's Norman's turn to buy a round, but Robin says it's actually George's.  So George says, "It is getting late," and leaves.

As Norman leaves, Larry tells him, "Get your head down.  It's your last chance for a good night's kip."  Then Robin suggests he and Larry have a few more drinks.

Love and Marriage:  We return to the lounge, now dark.  We hear Robin and Larry singing something.  Then Larry sings the line, "Love and Marriage."  They come in.  Robin shushes Larry and turns on a light.  More quietly, Larry sings, "Go together like a railway carriage."  Robin says that's horse.  Larry says, "Yeah, I am a bit.  It's all the singing."

They're leaning on each other, arms around each other.  They can barely walk.

Robin wants Larry to see the cake.  He says it should be hung up in the Gational Nallery.  He goes in the kitchen.  Larry drops his cigarettes.  He gets on all fours to pick them up.  Robin of course trips over him, dropping the cake.  There's much audience reaction.

And we go to adverts.

Goin' out of My Head:  There's again a close-up of a cake, but this time the groom is headless.  The camera backs out to show that this cake is only one layer, which Robin is quickly frosting.

The girls come in wearing their nightclothes.  They say good morning.  Then they see the cake.
Jo:  It's shrunk.
Robin:  It's a different cake. It's two jam sponges stuck together.
He tells them that some idiot fell on the other cake, then admits it was him.  Chrissy says 158.

Chrissy goes to answer the doorbell.  Jo says that the groom's got no head.  Robin says, "You noticed that, did you?"

Chrissy's mum arrives with a big white box.  She and Chrissy hug hello.  Her dad comes in with a dead cockerel, which he hands to her. 

Mrs. Plummer says she hates traveling with her back to the engine. 
Mrs. Plummer:  If God had wanted us to travel backwards, He'd have put our feet the other way round.
Mr. Plummer:  At least you can see where you've been.
Mrs. Plummer:  I want to see where I've been before I get there.

She asks if Chrissy is nervous, but doesn't give her a chance to reply.  She herself is very nervous.  Mr. Plummer says that's true.  "She tried to milk one of the pigs yesterday."

She wants a quiet word with Chrissy about you-know-what.
Chrissy:  About?
Mrs. Plummer:  You know.
Chrissy:  What?
Mrs. Plummer:  That's it.
She has Dudley go to the kitchen.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps:  Jo tells Robin you can't have a groom with no head.  She takes out the prize from a Corn Flakes box and replaces the damaged groom with a figurine of a football player.

Dudley comes in and hands Robin the cockerel.  He asks, "Where's this fantastic wedding cake I've been hearing about, eh?"  Robin tries to block his view.  Dudley says Chrissy told him it was a masterpiece.  Then he sees it.  Robin says this is the second version.  Dudley says perhaps it's as well he didn't see the first. 

He asks, "She's not marrying Michael McDonald is she?"  I laughed even though I'm not quite sure who that is.  (Possibly this man:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_McDonald_(footballer) )  Jo says it's better than a groom with no head.  Dudley asks, "Is that the only choice?"

White Wedding:  Back in the lounge, Mrs. Plummer says she's not one to fuss.  It is Chrissy's day.  "But I thought you'd be married in a church."  Chrissy says Norman is sort of Agnostic.  Her mum asks, "Couldn't you find an Agnostic church?"

She was also hoping that Chrissy would wear white. 
Mrs. Plummer:  Unless there's a reason you shouldn't.
Chrissy:  (amused) What's that supposed to mean?
Mrs. Plummer:  Well, nowadays, a lot of you young people, well, you do have a relationship before the wedding ceremony.
Chrissy:  Oh, well, I won't have time for that.  I've got to get bathed and changed.
Mrs. Plummer:  (angrily) I didn't mean immed-- (as Chrissy laughs) Oh, you.

Robin brings them tea.  She says, "Bless you, Robin," but then asks if he's going to clean up a bit before the ceremony.  He's in his dressing gown, as usual with no pyjama top, so we can see his hairy chest and gold necklace.  He says he'll wash, shave, and put on a clean pair of pyjamas.

She wants him to get Norman to the registry office on time.  Robin says his brother won't escape him.  And he's already whitewashed the shotgun especially for the occasion.  She rolls her eyes.

Signs:  We next see a sign that reads,
ROYAL BOROUGH OF KENSINGTON
SUPERINTENDENT REGISTRAR ROBIN N. PARKER
REGISTRATION OF BIRTHS, DEATHS & MARRIAGES
MONDAY TO FRIDAY 9.30 A.M. to 4.0 P.M.
SATURDAY BY APPOINTMENT

I love this episode so much, I even love this sign.  We again confirm that we're in Kensington.  The registrar shares a first name with "our Robin," and his middle name might well be Norman.  Not only that, he's actually named after the show's designer, Robin Parker.  Some of the punctuation and capitalisation feels random.  Why the ampersand?  Why "to" in little letters?  And is that really how they write four o'clock?  (I knew about the period instead of colon thing already.)  Finally, what happens if you want to be born, die, or get married on a Sunday?  Do you go ahead but just register it on Monday?

The camera backs out and a dark-coloured car pulls up.  Norman is driving, as Robin smokes. 
Robin:  So, what happened to the flashy little sports car, then?
Norman:  Oh, that was just for pulling the birds.  Well, now that I've pulled one, a little more dignity is called for.
They get out of the car.

The Waiting:  Their parents are on a settee in the waiting room.  She's crying into her handkerchief.  She's played by Hilda Kriseman, whom I noted at the time was on MatH15.  As the only newbie among the performers playing parents, she's not given a lot to do besides cry, but she does it well.

Mr. Tripp tells her to give it a rest. 
Mr. Tripp:  The lad's got to get married sometime.  He can't be happy all his life.
Mrs. Tripp:  He's so young!
Mr. Tripp:  Young?  Up North, he'd have eight kids by this time.  And two of them in a raincoat factory.
(This amuses me, even though it means Norman would be married before he's 16.  I figure Robin is 25 max at this point, making Norman 27.)

Their sons enter.  Norman kisses his mum hello.  Norman is in a dark suit with a tan shirt and a red carnation.  Robin's suit is tan, while his shirt is dark.  He, and all the other men, wear white carnations.

Sobbing, Mrs. Tripp says, "I'm so happy for you!"  Norman says they could hear her being happy all the way down the hall.

Robin:  Hello, Mum.
Mrs. Tripp:  Oh, Robin, my baby!"
She hugs him.

Mr. Tripp tells Norman that she's been going on like that every since they left the hotel.  The carpets in their car are soaking wet.

The Ropers enter, followed by Jo and Larry.  Mildred is in a pink dress, a white hat with a pink flower, and white heels with straps.  Jo is wearing a red pantsuit with a white turtleneck and a blue scarf.  Larry is in a checked suit.  And George is in a forgettable dark suit.

Norman introduces the Ropers to his parents.  They shake hands.  Mr. Tripp asks George, "Friend of the bride?"  George says, "No, we're not friends of anybody."  Mr. Tripp is confused.

Larry shakes his hand and introduces himself as "Larry, mate of Robin's.  So you're the condemned man's father, eh?"  Mr. Tripp says that's right, and he and Jo say hello to each other.
Mr. Tripp:  Well, if we're all here then.
Jo:  Don't you think we might need a bride?
Mr. Tripp:  Good idea.
His wife sobs and he tells her to pull herself together.

At his suggestion, they all sit.  The door of Mr. R. N. Parker opens and he says, "Mr. Tripp?"  All three Messrs. Tripp stand and say, "Yes?"  He means the one who's getting married. 
Norman:  Oh, that's me, but I'm not all here yet.  I mean, I, we are not all here yet.
Mr. Parker:  When you are, do come in. 
He goes back in his room.  He's played by Dennis Ramsden, who would have a couple roles each on Robin's Nest and George & Mildred.

Norman says, "She does know where it is, doesn't she?"  Robin says it was on the invitiation.  Norman says they didn't send her one.  Jo says Chrissy will be here.  As Chrissy comes in, followed by her parents, Norman wonders if she could be lost.  Jo says, "I don't know.  Why don't you ask her?"

Chrissy wears an ecru peasant-style dress with big sleeves and flowered embroidery.  She doesn't have a veil, but there are flowers in her hair.  She's also holding a pink bouquet.  She's smiling.  Her father is in a suit of course.  And her mother has a blue dress and a big blue hat.

Everyone stands and admires Chrissy.  Taking her hand, Norman says, "Oh, marvelous."  He and Chrissy say hello to each other and he kisses her cheek. 
Norman:  You came then?
Chrissy:  I thought I'd better, in case you started without me.

Norman escorts Chrissy to a door, but it's the broom cupboard.  His father says, "You're going on just like our Robin."  We cut to Robin looking insulted.

Norman then escorts Chrissy to the door his father indicates.  Everyone follows them in.  Mrs. Roper tells her husband to behave himself and not fidget.  She finds the dart in his breast pocket.  He says he might still make it to the tournament.  She tells him, "Get in there!"

I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do:  Everyone has sat down in the registry office or is about to.  Chrissy and Norman are in the front two chairs, facing the table where Mr. Parker stands.

As he and Robin come in, Larry says, "So this is where you get married.  It always looked different in me nightmares."

Pointing at Mrs. Tripp, Mrs. Plummer tells her husband, "I'm determined I'm not going to cry."  He says, "I'll do it for you.  I'm paying for this lot.  I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining an overdraft."

Mr. Parker has Norman and Chrissy stand.  They shake hands with him.  Then he asks them to excuse his eyes watering.  It's not emotion.  He has a head cold.

Robin and Jo stand in the background, I assume as witnesses, although Jo is probably maid of honour.  And Robin is of course best man.

Mr. Parker starts the ceremony, punctuated by blowing his nose.  Then the scene dissolves.

Norman is now facing Chrissy as she repeats the vows.  Neither of them has a middle name.

George is falling asleep, but Mildred is crying a little.

Mr. Parker asks for the rick, meaning the ring, since he's congested.  Robin steps over and reaches into his waistcoast pockets, but the ring has gone through the lining.  He takes off his coat.  Chrissy says 159.  He tears his waistcoat and the ring falls out.  Everyone but him and Chrissy look for the ring. 
Robin:  (to Chrissy) Sorry, there was a hole in it.
Chrissy:  That was for my finger to go through.

Mr. Tripp finds the ring and hands it to Robin, who says, "Oh, thank you."  Norman comes back, but Robin is now standing next to Chrissy.  Mr. Parker says, "Now, if you'll place the ring on the bride's finger."  Robin starts to, so Norman says, "Not you, me!"  The audience is very amused.  Norman puts the ring on Chrissy's finger.

The registrar sneezes as he congratulates them.  Norman and Chrissy kiss.  And the scene dissolves.

Cuts Like a Knife:  We cut to Norman and Chrissy cutting the cake.  Her dad takes a picture with a flash camera.  Robin apologises about the ring, and the cake.  Chrissy says she quite likes jam sponge.  Norman says they'll look back on this and laugh, eventually.

Mr. Tripp prompts Robin to say  a few words.  Robin breaks his glass when he taps it with a knife.  Chrissy takes the glass.

Robin says he's written a speech, but perhaps it's better if he speaks straight from the heart.  He hands his speech to his dad.  He says he's known Chrissy and Norman for some time.  He flounders.  His dad hands the speech back.  He says, "Well, long life and happiness.  Well, that's about it, really.  Well, cheers." Everyone raises their glass.

George hopes to still make it to the tournament.  Mildred says, "You are staying!"  He says the team is relying on him, if three other fellows don't turn up.

Larry makes Robin leave with him.

Mr. Tripp and Jo are sitting on the settee together.
Mr. Tripp:  Your turn next, Love.  I, er, don't suppose you fancy our Robin, do you?
Jo:  Well, he's very nice, but he's a bit scatter-brained.
Mr. Tripp:  Takes after his mother.
Mrs. Tripp is now drinking and laughing in the middle of the group.

Like a Virgin:  Larry and Robin are decorating a dark car, with cans and the usual "just married" stuff.  Robin is hesitant but Larry says it's tradition.

Upstairs, Chrissy just hands Jo the bouquet, but then Jo is the only single woman there.  Chrissy and Norman are about to leave, because as he says, Scotland's a long way, even at 70 mph.

Mrs. Plummer pulls Chrissy aside and says she mustn't worry if it isn't perfect the first time.
Chrissy:  Yes, I remember.
Mrs. Plummer:  Hm?
Chrissy:  I remember you telling me.
She giggles.

Her dad squeezes her shoulder as he says goodbye.  Then they hug.  Mr. Tripp says, "I haven't had my kiss yet, from the blushing bride."  He gives her a peck on the cheek.  Larry says to Robin, "Just in time, eh?", as they 've apparently just returned.  He also gives Chrissy a peck on the cheek.

Chuckling, George says, "My turn now."  He gives her a peck, too.  Mildred tells Jo, "Done with his usual passion."  Jo smiles and nods.

Robin and Chrissy smile at each other, a bit shyly.  He comes over and takes both her hands.  He says, "Well, what can I say?"  She shrugs.  He gives her a peck on the lips.  Then they kiss again, and after a couple seconds she puts her arms around him.

Jo, Norman, and the Ropers look on, stunned.  Robin is holding Chrissy tight, and they sway a little.  The audience laughs. 

Norman comes over and gently grips Chrissy's hand that's on Robin's shoulder.  The kiss stops after 22 seconds.  Norman says, "Um, I hate to break this up, but that's my Mrs. Tripp.  And I'd like her with me on the honeymoon."  Robin has an "Oh, right" expression.  Chrissy just smiles contentedly.

The End:  Everyone comes down the exterior steps.  Chrissy hugs her mum.  Mrs. Roper gives Norman a peck, then hugs Chrissy.

Larry tells Robin, "This'll be a giggle.  Wait till you see their faces."

Chrissy waves goodbye and then clasps Robin's hand.  She hugs Jo. 

Chrissy and Norman go to another dark car.  Larry and Robin are surprised.  They look over at the car they decorated.  The audience laughs a lot.  Norman and Chrissy drive off, past the other car.  Mr. Tripp looks angry, and it might be his car. 

The credits show the wedding party posed on the steps:  Jo, Norman, Chrissy, and Robin at the bottom; Larry and the Ropers in the middle; and the parents in the back.

The credits end with "THE END," in case there was any doubt.

Think: 
Chrissy:  It's typical of a Man About, they make you think that the RCST is over and Robin doesn't fancy me anymore, and then he gives me a tremendous snog in the end.
Robin:  I seem to remember you kissing me back with enthusiasm.
Larry:  Eh?  Her end?  Your back?
Robin:  (ignoring him) It's quite clear that you were only marrying my brother because I didn't speak up in time.
Chrissy:  I'll have you know I was very happy with Norman.
Robin:  Yeah, for a few months.  Then you turned up as a single mum with a baby!
Chrissy:  That wasn't me.  That was Paula.  And anyway, you're the one who rebounded into that fling with Vicky the next January.
Robin:  (indignantly) Fling!  I bloody well ended up married with twins!
Chrissy:  All while pining for me, very sad.
Jo:  Listen, you two, you're ignoring the important thing.
Robin & Chrissy:  What's that?
Jo:  That I get to wear the unisexiest bridesmaid outfit on television before lesbians started marrying each other in the '90s.  And I get to bond with Robin's father.
Robin:  That's two things.
Chrissy:  And anyway, I'd put my teasing my mum ahead of that.
Robin:  What about my brother and my father belittling me again?  Great character development.
Larry:  What about all the bits about tradition and how those blow up in our faces?
Jo:  Like the pop-up toaster.  Are there toasters that don't pop up?
Robin:  And like Chrissy's damn virginity.
Larry:  (muttering) Yeah, well.
Chrissy:  I think that was rather liberated of me to not cop to one or the other.  The viewer doesn't know what sort of "relationship" Norman and I have before the wedding night.
Mildred:  At least you had one after the wedding, Love.
Helen:  At least you were invited to the wedding.  Stanley and I were long forgotten by the time Janet married whatshisname.
Stanley:  Thurston Howell IV.  (She looks at him.)  What?  The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island was on after Name That Tune one night.  Anyway, George is right, we didn't have to fork out for a wedding present.
Helen:  But what about poor little Chrissy?  I mean Amer-Chrissy.  She didn't get invited to Janet's wedding either.  (Cut to Amer-Chrissy crying on the telephone.  Cut back to everyone else sitting/standing around the flat.)
Jack:  (shrugging) Hey, neither did Janet's family.  (Janet hits him.)
Brit-Chrissy:  (guiltily) I forgot to invite my sister and her husband.
Norman:  How do you think I feel?  I apparently have no friends of my own.
George:  It was getting too crowded anyway.  I'd have been happy to have sat it out meself.
Mildred:  George!
Amer-Larry:  I still say that you would've been better off streaking than doing the "just married" stuff.  (Everyone looks at him.)  What?  Weren't we talking about tradition just now?
Brit-Larry:  Streaking?  You know that's not a bad idea.
David Bell:  That was a beautiful wedding cake, Robin.
Robin:  Thank you.
David:  Of course, since I wasn't clumsy, I wouldn't have smashed it like that.
Sam:  Yeah, but you took off long before I got married.
Jenny:  Hey, Everyone, no fighting.  Remember, we're back in April '76.  Chrissy and Norman are going off on their fabulous Scottish honeymoon.  David's still living with us on our unsold pilot.  Janet and Amer-Chrissy are living with that Eleanor, who hasn't yet conceived, and, what was I saying?
Oscar:  Tweet!
Janet:  Jack, I'm sorry things didn't work out with Vicky.  (to Robin) His Vicky.
Jack:  (shrugging) Well, a year is longer than any of my other relationships, except for Linda.  (to Robin) My Linda.
Robin:  I got six series out of my Vicky.  Well, and the twins.
Chrissy:  That's typical of a man, always thinking of what he gets out of a girl.
Larry:  (leering) More like what he gets in her.
Mildred:  Except for George.
Helen:  And Stanley.
Stanley:  (not understanding) Well, our spin-off ran for over a year.
George:  No stamina, Son.  I lasted three years.  And a movie.
Mildred:  That's true.  We would've gone on longer, but poor Yootha.  (Shakes her head.)  A litre of brandy a day!  Can you imagine?
George:  (getting choked up and trying to hide it) Damn woman!
Chrissy:  That's typical of a man, always blaming--
Robin:  Say, Chrissy, do you fancy a bit of the you-know-what?
Chrissy:  What?
Robin:  You know.
Chrissy:  Oh.  Well, what year is this?
Robin:  Let's say 1990.
Chrissy:  Yeah, why not?  I'm between television programmes at the moment.  I mean Paula is.  (Robin is stunned at her consent, but not so stunned that he doesn't follow her to the kitchen on the way towards her old bedroom.)
Jo:  I wonder whatever became of me.  I hope I got a last name eventually.

THE END

"Fire Down Below"

The penultimate episode of MatH does not take its title from the Bob Seger song, because the album that was on wasn't released till Oct. 22nd, 1976, and this aired on 31 March of that year.  I suspect there are other songs with that title though, and in any case it's an old term, often applied to lust.  As we'll see here, it is both figurative and literal.

Art:  The episode opens in the bathroom, as Robin paints the ceiling and Chrissy does her mascara.  She complains of the terrible pong (smell) of the paint. 
Robin:  Oh, charming.  What would happen to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel if Toulouse-Lautrec's missus had said that?
Chrissy:  Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.  Toulouse-Lautrec did the skirting board.
Robin says they probably wouldn't have given him the big jobs after he cut his ear off (like Van Gogh).

She tells him that he knows nothing about art, and Norman does.  He says he figured that name would crop up.  She says Norman took her round the National.  Robin is surprised the fences didn't get in the way.  (I know she's talking about the National Gallery in London, but I'm not sure if he's referring to a racecourse or what.)

He says that for the last couple months it's been Norman, Norman, Norman.  It's 1066 all over again.

Since he's sick of hearing Norman's name, she says that Mr. X is picking her up at one o'clock.

She goes into the kitchen, where Jo is reading sentimental love letters that turn out to be Chrissy's.  Jo says Norman writes every single day.  At 8 1/2p, it's got to be love.  Chrissy says she'll have to hide the letters.  Jo suggests Chrissy put them under her pillow with the rest of them.  "I'd never think of looking there."

Robin comes in.  After Chrissy refers to Mr. X a few times, he exclaims, "Stop talking about Mr. X!" 

Chrissy tells Robin she's cooking Norman a meal. 
Robin:  I thought you liked him.
Chrissy:  Anybody can cook.  It's just a matter of thawing things out.
Robin is disgusted.

Chestnuts:  Meanwhile, Mr. Roper is trying to figure out how to unblock his fireplace.  He says it's not an occasion for brute force.  His wife says that's good because that's not his strong point.

He says that when he was a kid, they'd have a big blazing open fire.  "Me dad used to stand in front of it, roasting his chestnuts."  Ahem.  George's old granny said she could see pictures in the dancing flames.  "They took her away in the end."

Mildred says he's not fooling her.  He's nostalgic because of the forty-pound gas bill.  He says he never did like central heating.  It makes funny gurgling noises in the night. 
Mildred:  I thought that was you.
George:  It switches off just when you need it.
Mildred:  Now that is you.

He says that North Sea Gas smells of seaweed.  She says sometimes she can see his granny in him.

Speckled:  When Jo opens the door to Norman, she calls to Chrissy, "It's Mr. X."

Chrissy greets Norman with a peck on the cheek.  He's holding a box and he says, "I brought you these."  She says she'll put them in water, but he says they're chocolates.

Jo goes in the kitchen and tells Robin that Chrissy goes to pieces when Norman comes in.  Robin enters the lounge and he and Norman say hello.  Then Robin asks when Norman is going back to Southampton.  (So he does live there!  Not with the parents I assume.) 
Chrissy:  Robin!
Robin:  The settee is still warm from the last time he was here.

Putting his arm on Robin's shoulder, Norman says, "If you've got something to say to me, say it now."  Robin just says, "Hmph," because that's all he's got to say at the moment.

Chrissy goes to get her coat, telling them to try to be friends, for her sake.

Norman tells Robin that Chrissy's going to show him a few places he hasn't seen.  "In London that is." 

Robin tells Norman that if anybody messed Chrissy about, he'd kick him up his speckled grey trousers.  Norman is of course wearing speckled grey trousers.  Norman says, "I'd join you."

Norman:  Now, look, Robin, is there anything between you and Chrissy?
Robin:  Yeah.  You.
Norman says may the best man win.  Robin complains that that isn't fair.

Norman:  You lack confidence.  You've got to have confidence in yourself, however misplaced.  You take after Dad in that respect.
Robin:  Dad?
Norman:  Yeah, he hasn't any confidence in you either.

Chrissy returns.  Robin says they tried to be friends.  "Well, I have.  He hasn't."
Chrissy:  How do you think a girl feels having two grown men fighting over her?
Robin:  I don't know.
Chrissy:  Absolutely marvelous.  But stop it!  I like both of you.
Norman:  You're absolutely right.  It was very silly, childish, and petty.  And my own attitude hasn't been much better.  (He laughs.)
Robin:  He's at it again!

Fire down below:  Downstairs, George is now putting little bits of wood in the fireplace.  Mildred enters with a bucket of coal, saying she's not going to do this every day.

She thinks they need a new central heating system.  She shows him some pamphlets.  He puts them in the fireplace.

He says they used to have to cart in great big lumps of coal.  There were eight of them.  (Back on "Cuckoo in the Nest," George said his mum brought up eight kids on 30 bob a week.  I don't know if this means she became a widow, or if she's the one who managed the money.)
George:  And every now and then, Dad used to reach out and throw one on the fire.
Mildred:  Lumps of coal or kids?
George says it was coal, except when he'd had a few (drinks).  They had logs as well, after the Council planted trees in their street.

He lights the fire.  It immediately starts smoking.  The audience laughs a lot.  Mildred coughs from the smoke.

Tour:  Against a very popular instrumental whose title escapes me (but you might know it when you hear it, especially if you're over 40), we get a montage of Chrissy and Norman having romantic moments in London.  They walk hand in hand and/or with arms around each other through a park, past pigeons and near ducks.  He kisses her by a fountain. 

Then they begin a voiceover, as she gives a tongue-in-cheek tour of London.  They look down on the city and she points to a building that's the British Museum, the Bank of England, or possibly Harrod's.  He says, "You've been swotting up on this, haven't you?", meaning studying up.  She says it's important to get things straight.  Then she points to the Post Office Tower, originally built by Henry VIII for one of his wives.  "I think it was Annette Crosbie."  (She won a BAFTA for her role as Catherine of Aragon in the 1970 television programme The Six Wives of Henry VIII.)  Norman and Chrissy laugh and he pulls her close.

They sit at an outdoor cafe and she points to Cleopatra's Needle.
Norman:  You've got a lovely little nose, did you know that?
Chrissy:  It was towed all the way from Egypt on a barge.
He kisses her nose.

She tells him that if the ravens ever leave the Tower of London, England will sink into the sea.
Norman:  What ravens?
Chrissy:  Oh well, can you swim?

They run against a red light, holding their coats.  They approach a statue of Eros, whom Norman says was the God of Traffic Congestion.

They go to Trafalgar Square, and she says that there's a legend that if you throw a copper in the fountain, you get arrested.  I assume this is a pun on two meanings of "copper":  copper penny and cop.

Patchy:  We cut to a radio playing the instrumental.  Robin is painting one of the walls of the bathroom.   Jo comes in with a cup of something.  She tells him he's painting over the mirror.  He says he's taken the mirror down.  He turns off the radio.

He thinks he should've sized this before he started painting.  She looks at the bathroom and estimates 9 foot by 7.  She says the paint is all patchy.  He says he should've used a roll-on.  She says, "No, suspenders would've scratched the wall."  (A pantyhose joke?  I'm not sure.)

He suggests she paint the bathroom, but when she says OK, he says no, painting isn't one of her strong points.  They go in the kitchen and he says she's put eyeshadow on her nose more than once before.
Jo:  Don't have a go at me just because Chrissy prefers your brother.
Robin:  When did she say that?
Jo:  She didn't.
Robin:  Somebody must've said it.
Jo:  I did.

Jo says it's only a feeling.  She could be wrong.  She usually is.  Robin says, "But you could be wrong about being wrong."  Jo is confused.

She invites him to a party.
Robin:  Don't change the subject!
Jo:  Why not?  I'm embarrassed by the last one.

The party is being thrown by Eleanor and Tom, and I can't help pretending that this is their former flatmate Eleanor and her husband.  They didn't invite Robin because they don't like him.  Robin says, "I don't think so."  Jo says, "Please yourself," and goes to her bedroom.

Chrissy and Norman return.  He enjoyed the tour, especially Picadilly Square and Trafalgar Circus (reversing the two sites).  She tells him, "Now, watch it, or I won't show you the changing of the Guard at Fortnum & Mason. ( http://www.fortnumandmason.com/the-store.aspx )

Robin enters and asks if Chrissy showed Norman London.  They think it was London.  She tells Norman to pour some Sherry while she starts dinner.

Robin follows her back into the kitchen.  When he sees her take out a frozen dinner, he says, "You call that cooking?  Where's the skill in that?"  She says some of these packets can be quite tricky to open.

She asks when he's going out.  He says he's still painting the bathroom.  She says, "Take it with you."

Jo comes back and invites Robin to the party again.  She says Herbert is bringing his mouth organ (harmonica).  Robin says, "Definitely not," so Jo leaves alone.

Robin doesn't feel like going out.  He says he could stand in the corner with his head under a lampshade.

They return to the lounge and Norman gives her a glass of Sherry.  He didn't pour one for Robin.  Robin says it's all right because he's going out, although he doesn't know where.  Then he puts the lampshade over his head.  Chrissy and Norman laugh.

Robin takes the lampshade off and says he's not wanted here or at the party.  It's a very sad thing not to be wanted.  He opens the door and Larry is standing there.  Larry says, "Hello, Mate, coming down the pub?"  Robin kisses him on the cheek.  "He wants me!  Oh, joy, I'm wanted!"  He grabs Larry, who looks weirded out.  They exit.

Norman and Chrissy laugh and then toast.  It's not exactly a cliffhanger, but we're going to a break.

Foursome:  Robin and Larry are at the bar, both with drinks, while Robin smokes.  Larry is wearing a T-shirt that's partially obscured by his denim jacket, but I think it says, "PINK PUSSY."

Robin says he doesn't understand women. 
Robin:  What's he got that I haven't?
Larry:  Don't think about that.  It'll only depress you.
Robin insists on knowing, so Larry says Norman is better-dressed and better-looking, has a car, and is taller.  Robin says, "All right," but Larry adds that Norman has more charm, and something I can't catch with the audience laughing.

Larry tells Robin that there's no point in going all broody.  "You've still got your mates, your muckers.  You've still got me.  I"ll stick by you."  Robin agrees, but then Larry says, "See you then."

Larry is meeting a little raver.  He goes over to a girl with curly hair, a lot of mascara, and a fuzzy yellow coat that will later to turn out to be covering a shiny gold top.  He greets her as Doris.  She's named Deirdre and she works in a tripe shop.  She's played by Frankie Jordan, who did 54 episodes of Marked Personal in 1974.

She introduces him to her friend Mu, short for Muriel.  Mu is tall with a big nose and straight red hair.  She and Deirdre go everywhere together.  Muriel is Cecily Hobbs's first credit on IMDB, and she eventually moved on to writing.

He offers to get them drinks.  Deirdre wants a gin & tonic.  Mu orders something that ends in "Bianco."  But Larry order two shandies.

He tells Robin he can't leave him alone in his moment of emotional turmoil, suffering the bittersweet pains as old as life itself.  "What you need is crumpet."

He tells Robin that Deirdre brought her girlfriend, who's "ideal for you."  He doesn't want Robin to look round and even physically restrains him.  He thinks they should form a foursome (in a mostly nonsexual sense).  He reluctantly lets Robin look.  The girls are laughing loudly together.  Robin says, "Forget it!"  Larry says this is just what Robin needs to take his mind off women.

Sideline:  Meanwhile, George brings in a very large vacuum cleaner to get rid of the soot.  Mildred says she's not going up the chimney with it.  He says it's the modern way of doing it.  The vacuum sucks down the soot.  She says it won't work.  He tells her they'll have to just suck it and see.  He laughs.

He hired the vacuum cleaner off Jerry.  It's a sideline of his.  Mildred says, "He's got nothing but sidelines."  Jerry gave him an instruction leaflet, but it's for a clothes dryer.

Siegfried:  Back at the White Swan, the "foursome" sit at a table.  The girls are talking about a film they saw.  A lady doctor cured a man of an incurable disease.

Larry suggests going back to his place for "coffee and that."  The girls agree, but first they'll powder their noses.  Robin tries to leave, saying he's not coming back to Larry's flat with "Roobarb & Custard."  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roobarb )

Larry tells him to think of it as therapy.  "As the great Siegfried Freud said, the anguish of the human condition is greatly moderated by a bit of the other."

Robin says he's not in the mood.  Larry says, "I'm in the mood.  They're in the mood.  You're outvoted."

Next:  Norman and Chrissy are now at the kitchen table, with wine glasses.  She offers him more wine, or coffee, or an indigestion tablet.  He says it was a very pleasant meal, thawed to perfection.

She says, "You know what comes next."  They've both been thinking about it.  He guesses the washing up, and she says, "Absolutely."

True Romances:  The foursome arrive at Larry's, Robin reluctantly.  The girls take their coats off.  In the background, we can see one of Larry's posters of a topless blonde.

Holding up a bottle, Larry asks, "Fancy a little Mother's Ruin?"  Muriel says, "I'd rather have a drink first."  The audience laughs a lot.

The girls sit on the bed.  Robin tries to leave but Larry has him sit down.  He tells the girls that Robin isn't himself.  Muriel asks, "Who are you then?"  Annoyed, Deirdre says that Larry means Robin isn't as cheerful as he usually is.

Deirdre:  Is it unrequited love, Love?
Robin:  Huh?
Deirdre compares it to the young architect in "Fly My Heart Away."  Muriel says that that's this week's story in True Romances.  Robin says he missed that one.
Robin:  Did he fancy the girl who fancied his brother?
Deirdre:  No, you're thinking of last week's story.
Muriel says that one was called "Love Knows No Springtime."
Meanwhile Larry has handed out drinks.

Mu says that in LKNS, the younger, more attractive brother lost his true love to his brother, who was rotten.  Robin nods and says, "You have a very understanding nature, Mu.  I mean Muriel."

Suck and blow:  George is setting up the vacuum cleaner.  Mildred covers the furniture with sheets.  He doesn't know the difference between suck and blow, which would get more emphasis nowadays.  There are lots of switches, but he says it has to be one way or the other.  He flips a switch.  She thought it would be noisier.  Then she looks and says she's no expert, but it might possibly help if he plugged it in.

The Moment:  Chrissy and Norman are sitting on the settee.  The shot is from a different angle than usual, so we see the fireplace behind them.  It's clear what's being set up, but that's OK.  Soft music plays.  They sip wine.

He stutters as he tries to describe what he's feeling.  She says it's the frozen chicken dinner.  He says he's trying to be serious.  He has another drink.  He's never done this before and he has to find the right words.  She says, "I think I'd better have another drink, too."

He hesitates, and then a blast of soot comes out of the fireplace and all over them.  The audience laughs a lot.

Norman and Chrissy stand.  She coughs.  He brushes himself off.  Smiling, she says, "Go on.  You were saying."
Norman:  Will you marry me?
Chrissy:  Yes!
They kiss.

Cocoa:  Upstairs, poor Robin is trying to explain the situation.  Deirdre says it's ever so sad.  Larry suggests the two of them get another bed for a chat.
Deirdre:  Oh, Mr. Impatient!  (to Robin) Go on.
Robin: That's all there is really, not much more to say.
Larry:  Thank God for that!
Robin:  Except that, you know, er, well, all the way way along the line, I just seem to sort of have missed the boat, you know.  And, er, I suppose you don't realise how you feel about somebody until--
Larry:  I thought there wasn't much more to say.
Robin:  Until it's too late I suppose.
Muriel:  Have you told her that your heart beats for her, and her alone?  (Pause.)
Robin:  Well, not in those words, exactly.
Muriel:  Then it's not too late, is it?
Robin:  Huh?
Larry:  I think I'll put the cocoa on.

(I think he means because they'll be here all night, discussing this.)

The Other Moment:  Norman brushes himself off in the kitchen, just outside the bathroom.  Chrissy emerges in a bathrobe, a towel wrapped around her hair.  She ran a bath for him. 

She laughs at the sight of him and says, "It's a good job my mum can't see you.  She was always afraid I'd marry a black man."  (We learned on "And Mother Makes Four" that her mum visits twice a year in order to make sure this doesn't happen.)  Norman threatens her with a sooty kiss.  She ducks out of the way. 

She tells him to use Robin's bathrobe.  Then she gets a dustpan out of the cupboard and goes to the lounge.  She says, "Oh, what a mess," kneels, and starts cleaning.

Robin comes home and wonders why she's undressed and where Norman is.  She says Norman got all filthy and he's having a bath.  Robin asks what happened and she tells him about the soot.

Chrissy:  Robin, I've got something to tell you.
Robin:  Yeah, and, er, I've got something to tell you, Chrissy.
He kneels next to where she's sitting, then he makes her stop cleaning.

Robin:  Chrissy, I've been thinking, we've known each other a long time.  Maybe it's taken my brother to come along to make me realise--
Chrissy:  Robin.
He wants to finish.  He says he's tried it on a few times.  She bites her lip, as if she suspects where this is going. 
Robin:  You never went along with it, and I'm glad.  What I'm gonna ask you is--
Chrissy:  Robin, I'm gonna marry Norman.
Robin:  Hm?
Chrissy:  He asked me, so I accepted.

He says that's great and pretends to be happy for them.  He stands up.  She asks what he was going to say.  He replies, "Nothing really.  I was just gonna try it on again.  You know me, always trying it on."  He goes to congratulate Norman.  She looks stunned and sad.

George knocks and lets himself in.  He's covered in soot and asks if she has anything to remove it.  She suggests a bath, but he says he wouldn't go that far.

No hard feelings:  Norman is in the tub, and he's so tall that his feet stick out the end.  As usual, there are bubbles.  Robin knocks and identifies himself.  Norman tells him to come in. 

Robin says he just heard the news.  He congratulates Norman, who thanks him.  Norman asks, "No hard feelings?"  Robin says the best man won.  But then he dumps white paint all over Norman.  He grins.  The audience laughs very much.

Commentary:  Robin wonders where he went wrong.  I think the problem is he always made it seem like he just wanted sex with Chrissy, not a relationship.  Also, he sometimes used dishonest means, like with the mouse.  Perhaps that works with other women (although not very well, if his dates that we see are typical), but it's not going to work with Chrissy.  She wants a relationship, and she likes that Norman takes the time to go for walks and hold hands.  They laugh together, in a different way than she and Robin do.  Yes, Norman's height and money and education and all that matter, but it's mostly that he enjoys her company, whether or not they go to bed together.  (My guess?  They don't, but they've probably made out after a couple months.)

Robin is right that it has taken his brother coming along to show him what he's missing out on with Chrissy.  Her past relationships were mismatches.  Norman is a good match for her.  Is he better than Robin?  Difficult to say.  We're invested in Robin after 2 1/2 years, and we want him to be happy.  Also, there's all that RCST, making us think he and Chrissy should end up together.  Now that he's realised his feelings for her are much more than lust, it feels like he should have a chance to at least try.  But it's too late.  As for Chrissy, I can't quite tell what she's feeling.  She clearly feels bad for Robin, but is it because she can't return his feelings or because she doesn't want to hurt her best friend?  (She and Jo are close, but Robin is at her intellectual level, more so than Norman actually.)  Although I watched the last minute or so of the last episode months ago, I'll be curious to see how this is resolved, if at all. 

I like that we get a bit of Jo's opinion, with the poor girl as always caught in the middle.  Even the "easy girls" give their opinion, and I like that they end up being romantics who want to help Robin out.  In Larry's eyes, crumpet is very different than the sort of girl you could love, but the lines between love and lust aren't as clear as he, or Robin, thought.

Besides what Norman does to the RCST, his arrival throws into light a lot about Robin's character, including the insecurity under his occasional conceit.  The line about their father having no confidence feels dead on, based on his appearance on the episode where Robin wanted to move back to Southampton after failing his exams.  (We don't hear much about Robin in cooking school these days, but I assume he's still going.)

The subplot for once truly impacts the main plot.  Norman probably would've proposed anyway, but he wouldn't have had to leave the lounge to take a bath, allowing Robin to almost tell Chrissy his feelings.  And Norman wouldn't have got paint dumped on him of course.  It's an awful thing to do-- Robin is much more rotten than Norman, who seems generally nice-- but it is understandable, and at least Norman is already in the bathroom, so it'll be easier to wash out.  Again, I'm curious to see how the last episode handles the rivalry, if it's addressed and how.

Oh, brother!

"Mum Always Liked You Best," which aired on 24 March 1976, takes its title from the Smothers Brothers' phrase (and 1965 comedy album), although that was of course "Mom Always...."  "Lee Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" gets its title from the Hollies 1969 song, with "Lee" substituting for "He."  3'sC74 aired on Feb. 26, 1980, a couple weeks before "Secret Admirer."  It placed #9 in the ratings, although the previous week's "Jack's Bad Boy" landed at #1 and is one of the weakest episodes.  "Lee Ain't" is one of the better fourth-season episodes, even if it does have a completely different resolution than its British counterpart.

Satin:  As MatH37 opens, Robin is wearing a purple dress, as Jo pins the hem.  She asks him to stand on his tiptoes or put on a pair of her heels. 
Robin:  I think not.  Chrissy, why aren't you doing this?
Brit-Chrissy:  I can't wear that colour.  It clashes with my eyes.
Robin:  It doesn't exactly suit me either.
Chrissy:  No, you're more the slinky satin, with long drop earrings. 
Robin laughs scornfully and says he's very masculine.  If anyone says otherwise, he'll scratch their eyes out.

Jo asks, "Can't you stand a bit more like me?  Unaware of your gorgeous body."  He says he hasn't got the bum for it.

3'sC opens with a doorbell.  Janet enters from the bedroom and Amer-Chrissy from the kitchen.  They simultaneously say, "I'll get it."  Janet says they can both get it.

It's Mr. Furley because we're in Don Knotts's first season.  He brought up their mail.  The mailman must've put it in his box by mistake.  He says of one letter, "They want to save whales."  He got one, too, and threw it out.  Chrissy asks why, since whales are an endangered species.  He says saving whales is ridiculous.  "Do what I do, save stamps.  They take up less room and they don't get your carpet all soggy."  He laughs at his own joke, but the girls just look at him.  He leaves disappointed.  Then Janet says if he keeps telling jokes like that, he'll be an endangered species.

The phone rings and Chrissy gets it.  As usual, we don't see the person on the other end (Sandra was an exception), but Chrissy repeats enough that we (and Janet) can follow along.  She says Jack's not home.  She exclaims, "Lee Tripper!", although she's never heard of him.  It's Jack's brother.  She says, "No, I'm Chrissy, she's Janet."  Lee is in town and she thinks Jack will be so excited.  She says they'll be home.  She hangs up.

Chrissy:  Janet, guess what?
Janet:  Jack's brother's in town and he's gonna come over.
Chrissy:  (disappointed) Who told you?
Janet:  I'm psychic.

Jack comes home and says it's a beautiful day, but when he hears the news, he says it's a miserable day.  Janet asks, "Don't you like your brother?"  Jack says, "I love him.  He's a wonderful person.  I just can't stand him."  He goes to his bedroom.

Chrissy says, "If my brother were coming to visit, I'd be happy."  Janet points out that Chrissy doesn't have a brother.  Chrissy says, "That's why I'd be happy.  I've always wanted one."

Jack returns with a photo album.  After some jostling, they all sit together close on the couch.

Brit-Chrissy is already looking at Robin's photo album.  She asks, "Is that your brother, standing next to the little girl?"
Robin:  Yeah, that's him, but that is not a little girl.
Chrissy:  (realising) Oh, sorry.
Robin says he had longer hair then.

Janet tells Jack he was a very handsome little boy.  He says that's Lee.
Amer-Chrissy:  Who's the cute little girl standing next to him?
Jack:  That was me.  My hair was longer then.

The Chrissys notice that Robin/Jack's brother was taller.  Robin/Jack says his brother had thicker socks on, Robin adding that his brother was two years older.

Jo/Janet says that she didn't know Robin/Jack had a brother, since he never talks about him.  Robin/Jack says he deosn't talk about his grandmother but he has one.  She's taller than him as well.

Brit-Chrissy looks at pictures of brother Norman winning the cricket cup, the form prize, and the 100 yards.  Lee won the 100-yard dash and got a trophy for first place in a tennis tournament.  Robin/Jack says there's more to life than coming in first. 
Brit-Chrissy:  Yeah, there's coming second and there's photographs of you doing it.
Amer-Chrisssy:  Yeah, there's coming in second and there you are doing it.

Jo tells Robin to take the dress off, and he says that's a shame because he was getting to like it.  Then he tells them to keep an eye out the window.  With an American accent, he says, "Is it a bird?  Is it a plane?  No, it's Norman bounding over the rooftops with his bionic legs."  (The Six Million Dollar Man had started airing in 1974.)  He grabs his jacket and heads out.

Meanwhile, 3'sC expands on the rivalry.  Janet notices that Lee was class valedictorian. 
Amer-Chrissy:  Boy, if your brother's smart and handsome and good in sports, what's wrong with him?
Jack:  There's nothing wrong with him.  That's what's wrong with him.
He gets to his feet and goes to put the album away.  Janet tells Chrissy that that sounds like something she'd say.

When Jack returns, he says it was hard growing up with a brother who was perfect at everything.  When Jack was around him, he couldn't do anything right.  Jack stumbles over his words, and then says "I don't even talk good around him."

The girls get up and stand on either side of Jack.  Janet says they think he's the greatest, and Chrissy agrees.  Jack says it's no contest.  Lee makes a great living, doing a great job, and he gets to travel all around the world.  Jack says he's just a lousy cooking student.  Chrissy grabs him by the arms and says he's a good student.  Janet grabs him and turns him around, saying he's a good cook.  Chrissy grabs and says he's a great cook.  Janet grabs and says he's the greatest cook.  Jack turns back to Chrissy, but she just nods and smiles.  He tries it with Janet, who also just nods and smiles.  He says, "Well?"  She says, "That's it."  He says that's enough.  He's a better cook than Lee.  He decides to cook something that will send Lee's tastebuds through the roof of his mouth, but he misspeaks.  Still, he goes in the kitchen.

The girls shake hands at their successful pep talk.  The scene dissolves, and we're back in the living room, as we are for most of the episode.  But first let's get the Brit-Ropers' subplot going.

Miss X:  In the kitchen downstairs, Mildred is washing up the dishes while George reads the newspaper.
George:  "I was carried away by mad passion."
Mildred:  When was this?
He's quoting a story about a vicar who gave a lift to 18-year-old Miss X.  She gets about, this Miss X.  Last week she was in a story about a co-op milkman.  She tells of her nightmare journey in the vicar's boot (car trunk).

Mildred asks if there's anything in the paper about men helping their wives with the washing up.  And she wonders when's the last time he picked up a dishcloth.  He says just now, when he handed it to her.  She says he didn't use it.  "There's no point in having something in your hand if you're not gonna use it."  He says he did his bit, dirtying the plates.

She says they haven't eaten out in a proper restaurant in awhile, with wine, paper napkins, and metal knives and forks.  (Does she mean cloth napkins, or are her standards not that high?)  He says flash restaurants cost money.  Between the two of them, it comes to a quid.  She says that just shows how long it's been.

She takes out a wad of pound notes, which she found while dusting his wallet.  He takes it back.  She says he can now afford to take her out.

Quiche:  The American girls are now sitting on the couch playing Go Fish.  Jack comes in from the kitchen, wearing a striped apron.  He says, "Ladies, this time I have outdone myself."  He says he's made the world's greatest quiche.  Chrissy comes over and says she's starving.  He says nobody eats till Lee gets here.  She begs, so he says, "OK, Chrissy, I'll give you a little quiche.  Quiche me, you fool!"  He gives her a peck on the cheek.  (This was two years before Bruce Feirstein's bestseller Real Men Don't Eat Quiche.)

The doorbell rings and Janet says she'll get it.  Jack's hands start shaking.  Janet says it's just his brother, but he goes back to the kitchen.

Splash:  Robin is walking down the street, wearing his jacket and scarf.  A fancy white car pulls up and splashes a puddle on him.  The man says sorry.  After he parks the car, they go into the building.

Just outside the flat, Robin says his socks are all soggy. 
Man:  I said I was sorry.  What a daft place to put a puddle.
Robin:  I don't put puddles anywhere.

They go into the flat.  Jo is now wearing the purple dress.  Robin introduces the girls to Norman, "the one without the wet trousers."
Jo:  Excuse me, I'm going to take my dress off.
Norman:  I don't usually have this effect on women.
Chrissy laughs and says Jo has another dress on underneath.  "She always wears two during the winter months."  (Confirming that this series is set a few weeks before the airdates.)

Jo invites Norman to sit down.  Robin tells Chrissy, "Watch this.  He's won prizes for it."

Norman says he had a smooth run from Southampton.  Jo says, "That'll be your bionic legs."  She goes to get him some coffee.

Norman passes on messages from his and Robin's parents, their mum nagging and their dad saying to ignore it.

Justice:  The episodes sync up again.
Norman:  It's nice to meet you, Chrissy.  Robin's description didn't do you justice.
Brit-Chrissy:  No?
Norman:  How could it?  I mean, you'd need a Keats or a Shelley.
Robin:  Oh, be careful.  He's won prizes for this as well.
Chrissy:  I'm not that easily swept off my feet.
Norman:  Of course not.  A beautiful girl like you must be used to compliments.
Chrissy:  But do go on.

Janet stutters a bit on meeting handsome, charming Lee.  He says that Jack's description didn't do her justice. 
Lee:  But then a pretty girl like you must be used to compliments.  (She laughs, flattered.)
Janet:  Yes, don't let that stop you.

Norman is staying here for two days.  (I think in London rather than the flat.)  Jo returns with the coffee and says, "You'd better take your jacket off then."

Amer-Chrissy says, "Janet, aren't you gonna let Jack's brother in?"  She does so.
Chrissy:  Hi, welcome to the family!
Lee:  Pardon?
Chrissy:  Well, you and Jack are brothers, and Janet and I are like sisters, and Jack's more like a brother than a roommate, so it's like we're all related.
Lee:  You must be Chrissy.  You're even more stunning than Jack said you were.  No, no, "stunning" is too mild a word.  (Stepping close and taking her hand) If only I were a poet.  But, alas, words fail me.
Chrissy:  (stunned) I don't know what to say.
Lee:  Say no more.
Chrissy:  No more.

Jack enters from the kitchen again.  Lee calls him Jacky and ruffles his hair, which Jack clearly dislikes.  Jack asks when Lee is leaving.  Lee says he's in town for a couple days.

Lee sits on the couch, the girls on either side.  Janet asks if he's here for business.
Lee:  Not exactly.  The company flew me in for a dinner.
Chrissy:  Why?  Don't they have restaurants where you live?
She snort-laughs.  He says his company is having their annual Man of the Year banquet.  He won again.  Jack asks if this is two years in a row.  Lee says it's three.

Norman says there's a dinner dance tonight, for buyers and wives.  (What, they don't have any female buyers?) 
Norman:  I've got to go, but I haven't got a wife.  I wondered if you could help me, Robin.
Robin:  You can't marry your brother.
Norman:  I just wondered if you knew a girl who might like caviar, champagne, that sort of stuff.
Chrissy clears her throat and then Jo does, so Chrissy says she did it first.

Norman says that's marvelous.  Robin says, "I've changed my mind.  I will marry you."  Chrissy points out that Norman hasn't asked yet, so he starts to ask Robin if it's all right.  "Not him, me.  And I accept."

Lee:  Actually, Jack, I was hoping you could help me out.  I need a date for the dinner tonight.
Jack:  (laughing nervously) You could probably win one.
Lee:  I thought you might know a girl who'd enjoy a night of, uh, dancing, champagne, caviar, that sort of thing.
Jack says sorry, he doesn't know anybody like that.  Amer-Chrissy points at herself.
Lee:  Maybe Janet or Chrissy would like to go.
Janet:  I'd love to, but, uh, I can't.  I have plans tonight.
Jack:  Well, Lee, it looks like you're out of luck. 
Chrissy points at herself again.  Lee asks if she's free tonight.  She exclaims, "Yeah!"

Jack says Chrissy can't have dinner with Lee because of the special dinner Jack is making.  Then he cries, "Oh my God, the quiche!"  He runs into the kitchen. 

Lee says he has to go check into his hotel.  (Where is his luggage?  In a waiting cab downstairs?)  He and the girls get to their feet.

Norman tells Brit-Chrissy he'll pick her up at eight o'clock.  She says, "Lovely."  Robin looks disgusted.

Lee says he'll pick up Amer-Chrissy at 8. 
Lee:  By the way, it's formal. 
Chrissy:  Oh, OK.  Well, I'll call you Mr. Tripper, and you can call me Miss Snow.

She goes to her room to get dressed, so Janet starts to show Lee out.  (Because the front door is so far away from the couch!)  Jack enters with his quiche, black and smoking.  He says it's a little overdone.  Lee laughs and says, "Good to see you, Jack.  You haven't changed a bit."  Jack miserably says, "Neither have you."

And we dissolve to the living room again.

Plates:  George is watching a football match downstairs, making running commentary.  Mildred comes in with a tray.  She's wearing her banana trousers.  He barely noticed what he ate for the main meal.  She says he smothers everything wth tomato sauce. 

She thinks she must've washed up 40,000 plates since they were married.  (So 2000 plates a year?  That's like 5 1/2 plates a day.  Possible, especially if she's counting the ones for her and guests.)  He says they only own six.

She says tomorrow night they'll go out to dinner.  He's still not paying attention.  She brought him rhubarb pie and custard for pudding (dessert).  She puts tomato sauce on the rhubarb.  He eats some but it takes him awhile to notice.  He likes it though.

Jealous:  That night, Robin is in his dressing gown, playing solitaire.  Jack, still in his plaid and jeans, is pacing.

Jo, in her dressing gown, brings Robin tea.  She tells him to put the red 9 on the 10 of Clovers.  He says he could also put it on the 10 of Shovels, but it happens to be a red 6.

She looks at her watch and says it's getting late.  He says he's playing as fast as he can.  She observes that Chrissy isn't back yet.
Robin:  Isn't she?  I hadn't noticed.
Jo:  I bet they're having a really nice time. 
He says they might not be.  They might be very bored.  He admits that he's very bored.

Jo goes to bed.  Robin says, "Oh to hell with it," and puts the 10 of Clovers on the red 6.

Jack hears someone at the door so he yanks it open and cries, "Aha!"  Janet falls into the room.  He says he just wanted fresh air.  She says perhaps he's waiting up for Amer-Chrissy.  He scoffs and then admits it.

She thinks maybe he's a little jealous of his brother.  He denies it and says he's just worried about a friend.  Janet says, "Your friend is just doing your brother a favor.  She's not interested in him."

There's laughter offscreen on both shows.  With 3'sC, it's Chrissy laughing briefly, while on MatH it's both Chrissy and Norman, and it goes on awhile.  Janet says, "I bet she couldn't wait to get home tonight."  Jack goes to let Chrissy in.  There's a bang or a pop on the British show, so Robin opens the door.

Norman and Brit-Chrissy lean in as if they're about to kiss.  He's in a suit with a dinner jacket, while she's in an orange dress.  He's got balloons and streamers draped on him, while she's holding a daffodil.  (I think it was a balloon that popped.)  Robin tells Norman goodnight, but Norman is coming in. 

Jack loudly says, "Well, Chrissy, did you have a nice time?"  He opens the door on Lee and Chrissy in the middle of a long kiss.  Lee is holding her, while her knees are bent so that her feet are off the ground.  Jack mumbles, "You don't have to answer that."

And 3'sC breaks for commercials.

Still have begged for more:  3'sC picks up where it left off.  Jack gets Lee and Chrissy's attention.  They stop kissing and Lee sets her down.  The two of them laugh.  Lee is wearing black tie, while Chrissy's in a nice but not memorable dress.

Norman says it was a fabulous evening.  There was iced champagne, smoked salmon, chandeliers, and a full-string orchestra.  Robin says it sounds pretty boring.  (I have to agree.  Well, chandeliers are cool.)

Brit-Chrissy says it was a marvelous orchestra.  She breaks into "I Could've Danced All Night."  Norman joins in and they start dancing around the lounge.  Robin says he'll get the black coffee.  Chrissy says to leave it to her.  She goes to the nearest door, so he tells her she's going into his bedroom.  She giggles and says, "Naughty boy!" 

Lee and Amer-Chrissy dance into the apartment but don't sing.

Norman tells Robin that Brit-Chrissy is a marvelous dancer.  He hasn't had such a good partner since he won the gold medal in the something something Championship.  Robin joins in before Norman is done. 

Lee tells Jack and Janet that Amer-Chrissy is a marvelous dancer.  He hasn't had a partner like her since he won first place in the All-City Ballroom Dance Competition.  Jack joins in before Lee is done.  Then Lee ruffles Jack's hair.  Jack looks murderous.

Robin tries to tell Norman that he and Chrissy sort of had a--  But since they don't have anything but tension, no actual commitment, he can't complete his sentence.  Instead, he says that Norman always takes things he wants, like his teddy bear when he was a kid.  He says, "It's just that I'm a bit worried about her."  Norman says he thinks she's in the trunk in the attic, meaning the teddy.

Meanwhile, Chrissy is too drunk to get the coffee grounds into the cups, just dropping them on the counter.

Robin rushes Norman out.  Norman wants to say goodbye to Chrissy, in an intimate way.  Robin tells him to describe it and he'll do it.  He tells his brother cheerio and goes in the kitchen, where he sees Chrissy stirring an empty cup.

He says Norman had to go.  She says Norman is very nice.  Robin offers to take her to bed, saying it unsuggestively.  Hanging on to Robin, she exclaims, "I like him!"
Robin:  So we all do.  But I mean, take away his dinner jacket, his suave chat, his flashy little white sports car, and what are you left with?
Chrissy:  You.
He nods.  And we go to adverts.

Come and go:  The next morning, Robin cooks breakfast.  He's wearing a shirt that says, "SEX MAKES ME COME AND GO."  He asks Jo if Chrissy said anything about last night.  Jo says Chrissy said something about belonging to Glasgow.  (Yes, another old song:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Belong_to_Glasgow )

Chrissy comes in, very chipper.  She says bacon and eggs are her favourite.  Robin is surprised she's not hung over, but she says she only had three champagne cocktails last night.  Then when he sets the plate before her, she can't face the food.  She says her eyelashes ache.  Robin says that's what happens when you have a good evening.

Winking, Janet says Amer-Chrissy probably had a really rotten time tonight.  Chrissy laughs. 

Brit-Chrissy says she only remembers bits.  Amer-Chrissy says tonight's just a great big blur.  The Chrissys remember water, and things going round and round. 
Jo:  (seriously) You were in a laundrette.
Jack:  (sarcastically)  You went to a laundromat?
Brit-Chrissy says the dance was by the river.  Lee says that there's a fountain outside the Ocean View Plaza Hotel.

Brit-Chrissy and Norman walked along the grass, looking up at the stars.  Robin asks, "Vertically or horizontally?", although diagonally would make more sense.  She says Norman picked her a daffodil from a windowbox.  (Have the police ever looked into this constant raiding and desecration of windowboxes?  It's a London crime wave!)  Then she realises what Robin's implying.

Amer-Chrissy is still laughing.  Janet asks if she's been drinking.  Holding up four fingers, she says it was just three champagne cocktails.  Janet escorts her towards the kitchen for some very strong black coffee.

Robin won't come right out and say what he's implying.  Chrissy is indignant.  Jo calmly tries to explain.  Then she says they're going to be late for work.  Chrissy says, "Honestly, five champagne cocktails and he thinks I'm anybody's."  Robin is shocked and follows the girls into the lounge.

Amer-Chrissy says she's all right, since she only had five champagne cocktails.  Jack grabs her arm and says, "Five? You said three just now."  She replies, "Yeah, three and five is eight."  Janet takes her into the ktichen.

After Robin nags her about drinking and coming home late, Brit-Chrissy says, "You know, it's really weird.  I hear my mother's voice and I see him."  Jo says he's just jealous.  He denies it.

Brit-Chrissy opens the door.  Norman is there with a bouquet for her, which Jo passes on to Robin.  Jo says they're going to be late for work.
Norman:  Do you need a lift?
Jo:  No thank you, I'll use the stairs.

The girls leave.  Robin tells Norman that orchids are a bit flash.  He pulls Norman into the flat for a chat.  Norman wonders if this is about the teddy.  Robin says no and asks him about Chrissy.  Norman says it's none of Robin's business.

Robin says Chrissy was pissed last night.  Norman says she only had six champagne cocktails.

Robin beats around the bush again, till Norman says, "For a man who just said pissed, you're being very mealy-mouthed.

Norman tells him that he never tries it on with a girl on the first time out.  But he was going to ask her out again tonight.  Robin says that would be the second time.  Norman says, "I do believe you're right."

Robin says that tonight Chrissy is going out with him.  Norman says it's his last night in town.  Robin says, "You know, I do believe you're right."  He smiles mischievously.

Jack asks Lee, "What was that at the door?"  Lee says it was a simple goodnight kiss.  Jack asks if anything happened tonight.  Lee says, "Of course not!"  He never tries that with a girl on the first date. 
Jack:  Thank goodness!
Lee:  Of course, I'm seeing Chrissy tomorrow night.
Jack:  That would be, that would be the second date.
Lee:  Jack, you always were good at math.
He hits Jack playfully on the chin.

He exits and the scene dissolves to the living room yet again.

Opportunity Knocks:  Later in the British subplot, Mildred brushes George's dinner jacket.  She's wearing a hot pink dress.  George enters and says he'll miss Opportunity Knocks. 
[ (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series) ) ] They're having a banjo-playing dog tonight.

She sees the jacket he's got on and tells him he's not wearing Old Faithful tonight.  It's been over the bonnet (hood) of the car all winter.  She makes him put his decent one on. 

She asks if he changed his underpants.  He says yes and she starched them.  They'll crack like a pistol shot when he sits down.  She smiles.

She asks if he cleaned behind his ears.  He says he's not a kid.

He gleefully says he forgot to book a table, but she says she did. 

Then she tells him to take off his plimsolls.  We cut to his worn-out shoes.

Rot:  Jo is reading a magazine as Robin straightens his tie.  Chrissy comes in wearing a sort of peasant-style blue dress.  Robin says she looks nice, then adds, "How can I describe it?  It would take a Keats or a Shelley."

Chrissy doesn't remember arranging to eat out tonight.  Robin says it's a little French restaurant around the corner.
Chrissy:  What about Jo?
Jo:  Oh, don't worry about me.  I'll just go and sit in the kitchen and rot.
Robin:  Good girl.

He takes Chrissy's hand and leads her to the door.  But Norman is on the other side, with a box of chocolates, which he gives to Chrissy.

Bart:  Jack is sitting on the couch with the photo album again, this time alone and in a different outfit.  He says, "Class valedictorian," and gives a raspberry.  "First place 100-yard freestyle.  First in everything.  He was even firstborn." 

The doorbell rings and he gets it.  It's Mr. Furley again.  He's here to fix the sink.

Mr. Furley asks what's wrong, since Jack doesn't seem to be his usual gay self, ha ha.  Jack says his brother's upset him.  Mr. Furley can relate to that, since part of his characterization is that he feels inferior to his brother, who owns the building.  (Unlike Stanley Roper, Ralph Furley is just the manager.)

Ralph:  When I was growing up, I always felt inferior to my brother, Bart.
Jack:  You did, why?
Ralph:  My parents told me I was.
Jack:  That's terrible!

When they went to the beach, Bart buried him in the sand, head first.  And after Bart lost all his baby teeth, he stole Ralph's to get the money from the Tooth Fairy. 
Jack:  From under your pillow when you were asleep?
Ralph:  No, out of my mouth when I was awake.  Wasn't he a pistol?

Jack feels better now but Mr. Furley is depressed.  He starts to leave.

Chrissy comes home with Lee and introduces him to Mr. Furley.  Ralph exclaims, "You keep your hands off his teeth!", then exits.

Jack says Mr. Furley is allergic to brothers.  Lee says, "Well, I love mine!"  He ruffles Jack's hair again.

Lee says it's beautiful weather out.  Jack says it's been cloudy all morning.  Lee says that the sun is always shining when he's near Chrissy.

Dinner for...:  Lee asks if Chrissy is busy tonight.  Before she can reply, Jack says remember, they're going to Chez Robert (with a silent T), just the two of them. 

Norman/Lee says it's a shame because it's his last night in town and he wanted to take Robin/Jack out to dinner.  Robin/Jack is so surprised that he lets himself be manipulated into having to go to dinner with Robin/Lee and the Chrissys because he doesn't want his brother and his roommate to have dinner alone.

It sounds like Lee says he'll pick them up at teven, but I could've misheard him.  He exits.

Chrissy goes to her room as Janet comes home.  Jack tells Janet that somehow Lee managed to invite himself to dinner.  Janet thinks this is a good thing.

Janet:  Where's the one place that nobody can compete with you?
Jack:  (trying to look suave) My bedroom?
Janet:  Guess again.
She says they're going to a restaurant, and he says it's a French restaurant.  She says that's even better, because his specialty is French cuisine.  She tells him to be a good sport and not embarrass his brother too much.  He says he'll try not to.  He looks sly.

Garcon:  The two sets of brothers and Chrissys enter the French restaurants.  Jack says this is one of the finest restaurants in the city.  Robin says they know him quite well.  Jack says they know him here.  Robin calls the restaurant manager Charles and is corrected to "Alphonse."  Jack calls him Robert (with the silent T) and is corrected to "Maurice."  Robin says to give Charles his best wishes, while Jack says to give Robert his best.

Alphonse is listed in the credits as "Restaurant Manager" and is played by Steve Plytas.  Mr. Plytas was actually Turkish, but as far back as '58 he was playing a French restaurant manager.  He also played Arabs, Russians, Swiss, and Germans, including George I of England.  Maurice is played by Albert Carrier, who was born in Canada but often cast as French, from hairdressers to generals, but, yes, with a lot of restaurant staff thrown in.

Robin/Jack asks for a quiet table for three/trois.  Alphonse/Maurice says Robin/Jack has no reservation and they're full.  Norman/Lee smoothly bribes Alphonse/Maurice, who then offers a quiet table.  Brit-Chrissy tells Robin that it's obviously an advantage that they don't know him.  Lee says merci.

Alphonse/Maurice escorts them to the table.  Alphonse pulls chairs out for Brit-Chrissy and Norman, but poor Robin stands around for awhile until he has to seat himself. 

On 3'sC, the tables are further apart and the place looks more upscale than the London restaurant.  Maurice just seats Amer-Chrissy.  The men seat themselves. 

Alphonse corrects Robin's pronunciation, repeatedly, and Robin still doesn't get it right.  Alphonse gets annoyed and sends over the waiter, played by Lawrence Davidson.  Mr. Davidson was in a television production of Pride and Prejudice in 1952, but he didn't start appearing steadily till almost a decade later.  He often played French, including the President of France in Curse of the Pink Panther (1983).

Maurice just waits on the table himself.

When Robin starts to order in French, the waiter replies in rapid French.  Jack also orders French dishes.  Amer-Chrissy says, "Wonderful."  Maurice replies in French.  Robin/Jack says he only speaks food.

Norman orders something in French and the waiter replies in a friendly manner, the two of them chatting in French for a bit.  The same thing happens in America, except that I can catch some of Lee's words, like "mon frere" (my brother). 

Jack says, "We'll have what he's having."  He looks humiliated. 

The Brit-Ropers come in.  Mildred tells Alphonse that they have a reservation under "Mrs. Roper and husband."  He escorts them to a table.  Out of Alphonse's hearing, George says this is a Froggy restaurant, not proper food.  It'll be all snails and horsemeat.

They see the Tripps and Chrissy, exchanging hellos.  They're seated at the next table.

George calls the waiter "Garcon," with a hard C.  He says there's no tomato sauce, clarifying this with "No tomato sauce-o, savvy?"  The waiter goes to get some.

George nudges Robin and says, "You speak this wog lingo, don't you?  What's that say?"  Robin replies, "Oh, you'll like that.  It's snails and horsemeat."  ("Wog" is an ethnic slur, usually applied to dark-skinned people, although it can be used against a Mediterranean person.

Robin wants to start out with one dish I can't spell, but Norman says, "Not for me."  He had some before and was ill for days.  He suggests Chrissy try the pâté.  As a compromise, Chrissy says she'll have the melon.

George is outraged by the tomato sauce coming in a gravy boat.  He wants it in a proper bottle.  He grumbles about the foreign muck.

Both scenes dissolve and we return to the restaurants after dinner has been eaten.  Norman is going to pay the check, but Robin insists on it.  Then he sees it and suggests they split it.  Norman picks it up and says Robin can pay it next time.  Chrissy thanks them both.

Amer-Chrissy says the meal was delicious.
Jack:  My pleasure, Chrissy.
Lee:  I'm just glad I was able to order for you.
Jack:  I picked the restaurant.
Lee:  And you almost got us a table.

This is where the episodes really diverge, and I'm going to talk about 3'sC74 first because it's a stand-alone, while MatH37 has huge ramifications.

Gateau:  Maurice offers them dessert, but Chrissy says, "Not for me, my waistline."  Jack orders the gateau au chocolat.  Then he talks about one dish, demonstrating how you have to roll the dough.  He spills his drink on himself and bangs into Maurice, who spills the gateau on Lee.

Maurice apologizes to Lee, who doesn't blame him.  Lee goes to the restroom.  Maurice takes the dessert tray away.

Jack says whenever he's around his brother, he can't do anything right.  He misses his chair when he tries to sit down.  He calls himself a klutz.  She says he's not a klutz.

Chrissy:  Don't you see?  It's no contest.
Jack:  Don't rub it in.
She says she'd much rather spend an evening with him than his brother.  "If your brother Lee were a cake, he'd be all icing.  But you're all cake, with a lot of layers."  This deservedly gets applause. 

Chrissy says Jack is real and Lee isn't.  Jack says Lee is a winner.
Chrissy:  Remember that Pittsburgh ballplayer, Willy Startrek?
Jack:  Stargell.
Chrissy:  Whatever.  When Willy steps up to the home plate to hit that winning touchdown, the crowd goes wild!
Jack:  (amused) I don't blame 'em.
She says that Willy is doing it for the team and for them.  "With your brother, he's just doing it for himself, and to say, 'Look how good I am.' "  She says she feels sorry for Lee.  Jack is surprised.

She says Lee is so predictable.  When he comes back, he'll say, "Don't worry about the suit.  I have another one at home just like it."

Lee returns.  Jack starts to apologize, but Lee says what Chrissy predicted.  The audience applauds.  Jack laughs and Chrissy tries not to.

Jack says he suddenly feels really good about himself.  He apologizes about the spill.  Lee says, "Forget it.  I just can't imagine going through life doing things like that."  Jack says Lee also can't hit a touchdown with a baseball bat.  He swings his fork and hits Chrissy's drink, spilling it onto her.  She cries, "Jack, you klutz!"  He looks sheepish.

Slam dunk:  In the tag, Chrissy is wearing short-shorts and watering the plants.  Jack is vacuuming.  Janet enters from the kitchen with a wastebasket.  Jack turns off the vacuum and slam-dunks a wad of paper.  Chrissy cheers.  Jack gives Janet a low-ten and then they do the Bump.

Janet says Jack is certainly in a good mood.  He says that ever since his brother Lee left on that airplane, he feels this tremendous weight off his shoulders.  He's all thumbs when Lee is around.  "Now that he's gone, I can do whatever I want."  He grabs Janet and smooches her.  Then he grabs Chrissy, who's watering plants again.  He tries to smooch her, but she sprays him.  Janet laughs.  Chrissy says, "Except that."

Janet says, "Back to work."  She tells Jack to take out the trash.  She'll clean the bathroom.

The doorbell rings and Chrissy answers it while Jack's in the kitchen getting the trash.  It's Lee.  Chrissy calls out, "Jack, your brother's back!"  We see Jack spill the trash, knock over the table, stumble into the living room, kick the wastepaper basket, and fall at Lee's feet.  The audience applauds.

Jack asks what Lee is doing here.  Lee says he missed his plane.  Jack says, "Can't you do anything right?"  Lee and the girls help him to his feet.

And the American episode ends.

Potato:  Norman says he's had a wonderful two days.  Chrissy says, "I've enjoyed it, too."  They hold onto each other's hands, so Robin puts his hand on top and does "One potato, two potato."  Norman says, "On that sophisticated note, we'd better go."  They say goodnight to the Ropers and leave.

George is shocked by the 50p for couvert, which he didn't order.  Mildred says that's the cover charge.  He asks the waiter to knock off a bit, since he's English and he "saved you lot during the war."  He says the French come over here on their bicycles, with their string of onions, and buy themselves a monkey jacket.

He realises he doesn't have his wallet, because he left it in Old Faithful.  So they'll have to wash dishes.

Dog bites boy:  In the last scene, Robin is lying on the settee, suffering, with a blanket over him.  There's a different Scottish doctor than before, played by John Harvey.  Mr. Harvey had an uncredited film role in 1935, but didn't start appearing regularly till the late '40s.  He not only portrayed doctors but a lot of detectives, policemen, and such.

As this doctor, he says it's a mild case of food poisoning.  Jo suggests pumping Robin out.  The doctor says that won't be necessary.  He hands her Robin's prescription and says, "A spoonful of that would pump out Loch Ness."

After the girls and the doctor exit to the kitchen, Norman says he can't leave his only brother confined to a sick bed.  He's decided to stay for another week.  Besides, someone has to keep an eye on Chrissy.

Robin says, "Remember that puppy when I was a kid?"  It kept biting him.  No one could make it sit up and beg except Norman.  "Well, it's bloody well happening again, isn't it?"  He collapses in pain, obviously not just from food poisoning.

And the British episode ends.

Commentary:  The casting of the brothers is really good.  They look like Robin and Jack respectively, while of course being taller.  They also match up in personality.  Even the names feel like sets, without doing that thing of "All my children have names that start with B:  Bryan, Britney, Bethany, etc."  Norman Eshley is of course doing The Danza, although he didn't make a habit of it like Tony D.  He's actually a year younger than Richard O'Sullivan, which also means, yes, it's ironic that he was the "older man" for Chrissy a couple years earlier.  John Getz is in fact two years older than John Ritter, although the Trippers' age difference isn't specified.  Mr. Getz got his start in the TV-movie Killer Bees (1974), and has worked steadily ever since, including as a lawyer in The Social Network.

We never find out exactly what either Norman or Lee does for a living, but maybe it's left deliberately vague, so we can imagine the most enviable job.  (Or they didn't want to date the shows, although that's hardly a concern otherwise, is it?)  I'm a little surprised Norman lives in Southampton, but maybe he was just visiting his parents before driving to see Robin.  Lee lives far enough away that he has to fly to L.A.
 
Norman is presented as a more likable person than Lee is, which is good since we're asked to take that two-day relationship more seriously.  Lee is much more condescending to Jack, while Norman handles, for instance, the check situation in a more considerate way.  On the other hand, Norman is rather sneaky, asking Chrissy her plans for the evening, when Robin already told him she had plans with him.  At least Lee, as far as we know, expected both her and Jack to be free.

Jack's feelings about Lee's date with Chrissy are less complicated than Robin's.  He still lusts after Chrissy but they have been living together three years at this point, and he is, if not quite like a brother, at least pretty comfortable with the platonic situation.  He's protective of Chrissy and annoyed that his brother has once again charmed people he likes.  As for Chrissy, she's clearly attracted to Lee, but in the sober light of day she realizes that he's self-centered and not as much fun as Jack.  

Janet is probably just trying to make Jack feel better when she says that Amer-Chrissy isn't interested in Lee, since she says she has other plans that night in order to help Chrissy go out with Lee.  (We never find out if she really did, or if she was bluffing so Chrissy could go.  We also don't find out where she went then, or the next day.  Janet's social life is more of a closed book than her roommates'.) 

Jo seems to approve of Norman and Brit-Chrissy going out, although she might just be teasing Robin.  There's no scene of either set of female roommates discussing the matter.  The way the episodes end, it would be difficult for Amer-Chrissy and Lee to pursue anything, since she's seen through him, while Brit-Chrissy is still very fond of Norman.  They didn't have to continue the relationship, since all of Chrissy's other relationships have fizzled out, but it is nicely set up for that.  Norman is staying in London not just to look after his sick brother but to "keep an eye on Chrissy."

And does Chrissy want him keeping an eye on her?  I think she does.  Ironically, this seems to be the most she's fallen for a man since Ian Cross.  There is no disillusionment or complication this time, as there so often is for her and her fellows.  (Or in the case of the secret admirer, the fellow turning out to be Jo's.)

I suppose I should say something about the British subplot, but it's just there, incorporated into the main plot without enriching it or weakening it.  It was easily removed for the American show, and I'm perfectly happy to get more of Jack and Mr. Furley's insecurities about their brothers instead.  Also, note they're doing that "my sister Nancy" thing again.  There are many moments when we hear about "my/your brother Lee" and "my/your brother Bart," when these are families of two boys and there's no need to be that specific.  The irony is that when Jack's father shows up a couple years later, he's Jack Tripper, Sr.  On that episode and the one where Jack pretends to have a twin brother, Lee has been retconned out.  Robin, on the other hand, will not find it so easy to get rid of his brother....